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LL &GG, I'm over here....
October 23, 2006
6:48 pm
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ggfred4
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i am here mich...

October 23, 2006
6:50 pm
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ggfred4
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mich, Is this a possibility for you? How are you feeling about this?

October 23, 2006
6:51 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Scared to even think about it, but he says I may not give him a choice...

October 23, 2006
6:53 pm
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ggfred4
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We are now both at a place where we have to do what is best for us AND what is best for us WILL be best for our kids....Okay, Mich??? This is important, you are important to me...

October 23, 2006
6:57 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I can't even think about this rationally. I was there for almost 4 hours again. I talked a lot. But, he says I dance around my anger, I am "full of rage". Those were his words. I couldn't have been any more honest that I was today. I am so messed up.

October 23, 2006
7:00 pm
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ggfred4
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mich, honesty is good, that will help Jim figure out what is best for YOU!!! You aren't supposed to be able to think rational, that is Jim's job for now, ok??? You are NOT messed up, that is your interpretation...Mich, you are a special person who has been through so much and now your mind needs caring for....

Please take care of it for you and your kids...I wish there was something I could do for you...but you know that I will be here for you and will hold you close and tight...

October 23, 2006
7:02 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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hurting bad, scared, lonely, depressed, confused....the list could go on and on

October 23, 2006
7:06 pm
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ggfred4
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mich, gosh, what can I say,,,,I want to fly to Michigan, feed you, put you to bed, take care of your children, and bring you to Jim...I want to take away all thinking and responsibilities...Yes, I am codependent and want to rescue you...but I can't

I will listen to you; you can vent; you can be however you want, because I care for you...

October 23, 2006
7:22 pm
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needtoheal
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(((MICH)))

I am thinking of you...

Holding you close

I am a single mom with two young boys and I know that YOU have to DO what is BEST for YOU and your KIDS too...

You and those kids are worth it!!
You are a strong woman, Mich..

Hugs to you

NEED

October 23, 2006
8:30 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Not feeling strong right now....feeling alone and scared

October 23, 2006
8:36 pm
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ggfred4
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You are not alone, we are all here for you girl....Yes, you may be scared...the unknown is very scary, at least it is for me...Remember this is scared2 speaking...Gosh, where is our LL...hanging out with the guy I guess LOL

October 23, 2006
8:37 pm
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cyndra820
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(((((Mich)))))

I don't have any children so I can't imagine how hard all of this is for you with them. (You either Need and Army)

I want you to do what you have to for YOU. You have spent so long taking care of everyone else you MUST take care of you now. Your mind isn't giving you a choice.

The one thing I know is that I am afraid of my anger. I have a horrendous temper when I let it fly. The one thing I control absolutely is my temper. I don't usually lose it, but when it blows!!! I think that's what Jim is referring to when he says you're full of rage.

You have been through so much and it isn't your fault. It was visited upon you and you have every right to be angry. Angry at your H for belittling you and not valuing you. Angry because your children have suffered and there is so little you can actually do.

I am NOT saying you are mad about having to take care of your children. I wouldn't believe it if anyone said it. I do believe you are mad about what they've gone through with the illnesses and surgeries. That's a lot for kids and for you!!! You've done this without a supportive partner.

If you can do residential please do. I know it is hard with the children, but if you can, do it. I want you to get better. I want you to not feel hopeless. You have value. You are precious to each of us. If I have to tell you that every day I will. I don't mind. You can vent here as often as you need to. What are friends for?

GG, have they called yet?

LL, I think your xh and my xso have a few traits in common. I was a great partner when I had done everthing he wanted. When I had agreed to anything he requested.

Today my therapist mentioned to me that I was used. She said I may not want to admit it, but my xso did use me and is using his parents. I remembered two incidents where I really needed him to just listen and comfort me. Somehow they turned into discussions about him or some aspect of his life. Yeah, exactly what I needed, another story about how difficult his life is/was and I shouldn't be complaining. UGH!!!

((((ArmyAngel)))) How are you? I've been thinking a lot about you. Worried becuase you've been so quiet. I know you have your reasons. You are missed and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. And like LL said, you can read or you can vent, or you can scream or you can do whatever you want to do.

Regards,
Cyndra

October 23, 2006
8:41 pm
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ggfred4
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cyndra, yes, got a call, but not sure about anything...They referred me to a neurologist and they got me in tomorrow! What this means, I do not know...Cant' believe I am going to miss work again...

I like mich am scared 2...

mich, can we just hold each other close...I really need friends now...horrible day too

October 23, 2006
9:16 pm
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cyndra820
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GG and Mich,

I've got a nice green and purple afghan I can give you to wrap you both in. No, it's not one-eye flying purple people eater purple. It's eggplant and hunter green. That sounds so much better, right? LOL I made it myself. Trust me it's warm and cozy. I wish it were an invisibility cloak...

GG, I'm sorry they didn't give you anything definitive and that you're going to miss work. I'm sorry you're scared. I'll keep sending up prayers.

I'm getting ready for bed. I'll look in you ladies tomorrow. Good night.

Regards,
Cyndra

October 23, 2006
9:43 pm
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needtoheal
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GG and MICH---

THINKING OF YOU BOTH

I HAVE OPEN ARMS FOR YOU BOTH

love,
I WILL HEAL

October 23, 2006
9:55 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks GG, IWH, and Cyndra,

I am so tired. I just want to sleep. I don't think that I can though. I haven't even had the balls to tell my husband what they are saying...I am just so confused...So lost. Jim is afraid that I will feel he is abandoning me if he puts me there. He is certain that he will assure me that it isn't the case. He wants so bad to help me. Is there truly help for me? Or hope? Who knows.

GG,

I am so sorry your day has been what it has. Holding you very close for both of our comfort right now.

Love you gf..
Scared

October 23, 2006
10:04 pm
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needtoheal
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"Every crisis is a choice point. No matter what the situation is, if we just really choose, keep choosing life at every moment, then we'll prevail"
from the book What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger: Turning Bad Breaks Into Blessings --
by Maxine Schnall

sweet dreams, my friends

I will have you in my thoughts and prayers

love,
NEED

October 23, 2006
10:06 pm
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ggfred4
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hey mich, iwh, and cyndra...
Thanks for supporting me today...Gosh, if only you knew how much it has meant to me.

cyndra, the afghan sounds so cozy and warm and safe...

mich, at first I wasn't going to tell you about my medical stuff after the other ordeal today (the breakin)...but I have been listening to LL (you hear that, LL???) and you and decided that we can handle all of it together, we can be there for each other, we can give each other hope...and like by friend P&L (where are you girl?) says, "pain is pain".

mich, the help is at your fingertips, it is being offered, it gives hope...Jim sounds exceptional and caring and don't know if you will find any better help...

Since I don't have to go to work, will probably stay up late if there is anyone to talk to...

love you gf!

October 23, 2006
10:12 pm
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lovinglife
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Cyndra~ Your words were very comforting (even to me) and felt straight from the heart. The only thing to add to all the Mich has been through, and to add where her rage/anger/hurt stems from is that she was abused as a child. Not sure of the thread name, but her story is on the Libs side. And your green & purple afghan sounds so warm & cozy…

Mich~ Reading what you wrote today made me think about when I first started to face issues, to face what the reality was in my life, it was like..."Hey I was fine before, I survived, ya life sucked some but I managed, not the best, but I managed. Now all those feelings I stuffed, the distorted picture I painted in mind of what the truth was, became exposed...I was more comfortable with life before...THIS is too much..."

Now. Like I have said, I like Jim, believe Jim knows his stuff, and know for sure he cares about you. Residential Care *somewhere*??? Ask him then if that somewhere could be in MN!! Just kidding. How do YOU feel about residential care? I’m assuming by residential he is talking about in-patient treatment… I think it would be wonderful for you and would be very beneficial. I'll try to check back yet tonight otherwise I’ll be here in the morning. (((Mich)))

GG~ So other then sending you away to another doc, nothing was said? And what is a neurologist? I looked it up…. in case you didn’t know I copy & pasted… “Neurologists perform neurological examinations of the nerves of the head and neck; muscle strength and movement; balance, ambulation, and reflexes; and sensation, memory, speech, language, and other cognitive abilities. “
I’m wondering if the CAT SCAN didn’t show anything and that’s why you’re being sent to the next step. I got thinking about nerves with your symptoms. A few years back I had these weird numbing sensations somewhere on the upper side of my chest area. Felt like nerves short circuiting…it twitched, felt numb, and was just plain weird & scary. Doc never did find out what it was but after all was said and done, it was believed to be a physical reaction to stress. At that time in my life I was under major stress. Doc put me on a med called Neurontin - (has been used for phantom symptoms) and whatever it was went away.

Easier said than done, but do your best with practicing, *let go and let God. Remember the unknown is scary but that doesn’t mean that the unknown is something to be feared.

Alright team, “Vent/cry all you need, but stilled loved, supported and held here thread” , I’m off to hit the shower. Another overnight shift for me. I’ll try to check back before heading out. Even if just to leave a hug.

October 23, 2006
10:16 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Love you girls, I am going to bed, will talk tomorrow...Hope to talk to you in the morning....

Cyndra-

The thread regarding my past is "Diary of Scared" Just go to libs and lok it up, it is my WHOLE past, here was the first time I EVER told it a few months ago. It may explain me better. I am screwed up more than even I can admit.

Scared

LL, will you be around in the morning? I just want to talk to you. I miss you.

October 23, 2006
10:20 pm
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ggfred4
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thanks LL, for looking that up...I am going to have to be honest here...If all of this is a physical reaction to stress and I am going to be pissed at me for allowing it. I am going to really be mad at me. NO, I do not want anything to be wrong, but I will be disgusted if my body can't handle stress and I had to miss work, make plans, pay dr. bills, etc. I want to be strong! I don't want to fold to this kind of stuff. Yet, don't want anything to be wrong....want this feeling to disappear...

Am I making sense here? I am mad now about having to miss work;feel guilty, etc.

Please advise if you have time, anyone...

mich, still holding you twin!

October 23, 2006
11:34 pm
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lovinglife
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GG~ I'm wondering how to bonk someone over the head through the computer ***BONK***!! "I am going to really be mad at me...going to be pissed at me for allowing it...mad now about having to miss work;feel guilty" Alright girly, IF this is a reaction to stress...which you have been under a great amount whether you see it that way or not, first you're going to be thankful - not pissed, then you can to also be thankful for Coda entering your life (the more you work that - the less stress and more in control you'll be). And if THIS in not a reaction to stress, everything I just said applies to that as well. Either way, this can be looked at as an eye opening that NOW is that time that GG really starts to take care of herself. AND if the doc is wondering in amazement why it looks like you've been bonked on the head a few times...I dare ya to try explaining to him P&L, LL & Mich!!!.

Mich,yes I will be home in the am by 8am cst. And exH won't be around - yea. Today is drinking day, tonight is, "don't dare go into LL's house trashed, and tommorrow morning is *Better call LL and tell her what a wonderful woman she is...* Anyways...The only reason why I wouldn't be online in the morning is because I got *forced* at work. Otherwise I'll be here and looking forward to talking to you.

Ok, hope all this makes sense. wrote it in bits and pieces while getting ready...I'm out

October 23, 2006
11:51 pm
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ggfred4
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ya talkin to me????LL?????

mich, are you around?

October 23, 2006
11:55 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am gg, but I am ehausted, physically and emotionally. I HAVE to go to bed. And I think that Ll left for work. I am sorry to leave you for the night. Know that I am holding you tight and that I love you and care about you deeply. As much as one can for a person that they have never met face to face. You are a wonderful person, GG. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are GREAT. and you have a tone of wonderful qualities. You will be ok, remember, we are doing this together.

Scared

October 23, 2006
11:59 pm
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ggfred4
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thanks mich, your last sentence made me feel wonderful...read my update on the breakin...then you will not wonder why I can't sleep tonight...

Go to bed gf, sweet dreams, ok...I'll be home most of the a.m.

(((((((((((((((mich)))))))))))))))))
remember the cozy afghan you are going to be wrapped in tonight...

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