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LL &GG, I'm over here....
October 22, 2006
9:58 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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The last thread got to that point of taking too long to load again....So I made a new one.

Anyways, It is getting late, and I am exhausted. H has been around all day, and he has ruined most of my day, however, I will survive like I usually do.

GG, I am glad that you got a good nights sleep, I hope you do the same tonight.

LL, I have missed you and I hope that your weekend has gone well.

I am scared to death to go see Jim tomorrow, but I will talk to you girls before hand I hope. It makes me a nervous wreck.

Ma Strong,

Thank you SO much for what you did fr me this morning...I so appreciate it with all of my heart. I told you it isn't that I don't believe in God, I amjust hoping that He shows himself here soon.

Mama-

You can spill to all of us any time you want. We spill to you daily. Sorry about that. Sorry your day was rough. How about I hold you close now for a little while? Hope all goes well.

Cyndra-

You are awesome, thank you for being our new friend. You are very sweet. You can chat with is whenever you want...

Love to you all,

Scared (that is how I am feeling tonight)

October 22, 2006
10:44 pm
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lovinglife
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Mich ~ LOL I love the new thread title...

Hey my (ex)H ruined my day too - no kidding. Whevever I'm around him for any length of time longer than say 5 mns...this feeling of hopelessness sweeps over me and I just want to stay in my room and hide. And oh my gosh I just said the something before getting on the computer...."I will survive like I always do..." only to add..."I'm really sick of this crap with him..." it's like I'm night and day when around him.

Mama~ It was great to see you over there on the lib's side. This weekend is the first time I've ventured into that territory- and I now I know which mamaC is Mich's mama : ) and oh, let'er spill, let'er spill with no apologys!!

GG~ soooo glad that you got some rest this weekend-tommorrow you'll have an answer to that head problem of yours : ) It will be a relief to know what is going on - it's the unknown that freaks us out but yet it's the unknown we are suppose to learn to *let go and let god*.

Cyndra~ Nice to meet you and that song was beautiful- thank you for sharing.

I'll be lifting you up Mich - (and you too GG) hoping your meeting with Jim gives you even just a little bit more hope on top of the hope already starting to be there.

Well, need to finish getting ready to head off to work AND also to meet my 17 yr olds gf who is, get this 21... not sure how I'm feeling right now about it. Not the age matters to me but the two of them of at this time have some major differences in life experiences. But he really, really likes her so he wants mom to really, really like her too.

Hope to chat with you all tommorrow, if not, I will be keeping up on the thread...so update, update. I'll leave hugs to let know I was here if I don't have time to chat.

LL

Almost forget about Ma Strong - "Love ya Ma!"

October 22, 2006
11:15 pm
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ggfred4
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hey, sorry not around much, had some catching up to do; feel better; thanks for thinking of me...

Glad you are going to see Jim, mich...let us know how it goes

LL, miss you so much; keep crossing each other's paths...sure you are not a magician or secret agent????

Love you amigos...GG

October 23, 2006
6:30 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Morning girls...

Hope you are having a good day....Will talk to you all soon. PLease keep me in your thoughts as I am still nervous about going to see Jim today. Love and miss you both.

October 23, 2006
7:12 am
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cyndra820
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Good Morning All,

Scared, I would say something silly like "don't be nervous" but I know it would be silly. You are on the road, girl. You have hope. It may seem a tiny speck right now but it grows bigger and bigger every day. I am so glad you have Jim.

GG, I hope you slept as well last night as you did the night before. Also hoping you hear good results from the doctor.

LL, how was work? Did you meet your son's girlfriend? I can't talk about age difference. I was 16 with a 20 yo boyfriend. Mom didn't like it either, but she said I've always had a stubborn streak. I got it from her.

Thanks for welcoming me. You are all such great women and I need the company of great women every day. So, thanks.

I'm off to work. Hope everyone enjoys their day. It's finally getting cold here!!! I like the cold. Everyone thinks I'm crazy. Oh well.

Regards,
Cyndra

October 23, 2006
7:19 am
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needtoheal
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good morning scared, GG, and LL

had a hard time sleeping last night..
posted on the thread anyone here?
feel so embarrassed if others read it because i was rambling on and on..
go to see my therapist today so that should help.

Mich-- I just want you to know that I have been thinking of you. Good luck with your meeting today and don't be nervous.. You are reaching out just as much as I am -- and that is a good thing...

GG-- hope that you are feeling better each day and night. Last night I took a sleeping pill and aparently it only worked for a few hours....

LL-- thanks for all of your support through this difficult time for me...

I really do appreciate having you all welcome me here and embracing me.. Hugs to all

October 23, 2006
7:23 am
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needtoheal
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and welcome cyndra...

i have to also be around such strong and wonderful women too....

October 23, 2006
7:34 am
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ggfred4
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good morning, cyndra,need,mich,and LL,
gosh another great night's sleep...supposed to find something out today; maybe it was just a bad week of feeling bad; I am seldom sick

Mich, I will be thinking of you this a.m. and I will hold you again, my girl...

LL, my husband is 7 years older than me, but I was 18 when we met and didn't marry him til I was 23,,,I am sure my past had to do with me seeking a stable, trusting guy....

Getting ready for work...all you girls have a great day and hugs to all!

October 23, 2006
8:23 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Need-

I am glad that we all have each other, and I am glad that you are comfortable with us. I am glad that we have this community of people that can relate to our pain, and genuinely understand what we are going through. You are welcome around here whenever...Thanks for your support as well....You are GREAT.

Cyndra-

That part about you liking the cold....Yeah that concerns me some. I HATE it. I don't need it to be HOT, but I need to not be freezing to death either..

LL-

How are you? I miss you so....I am NOT doing the greatest, but I am alive. So I guess somehow that is a good thing. Sorry your day yesterday went similar to mine. Men are EVIL. And I immediately went to blaming myself, and the oh, maybe he's right bullshit. Can one tell me how that happens. I spent two hours in our room crying my eyes out and do you think he gave a crap? NO. When I finally decided to come out, he acts like everything is fine. I can't take this crap. 2 hours prior to that I was an ungrateful, selfish little bitch. How does this happen? Just curious.

October 23, 2006
9:10 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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LL,

Sorry for whining there for a minute..that wasn't my intent..Just having a rough morning and needed to share it with someone. I am just so frustrated and confused..I just hate it. I am not handling this thing of, "it will get worse, before it gets better." I really having issues. I am afraid of how much worse it can get..

So sorry again. Just venting..

Scared

October 23, 2006
9:23 am
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StronginHim77
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Mich -

I am glad you are seeing Jim today. You are READY for the next level!! And this will be a GOOD thing. Healing seems hard "going in," but feels great "coming out."

All that stuff you have buried down inside of yourself is stop festering and eating you alive. About time, I would say.

Will check in later this afternoon and see how you are doing.

- Ma Strong

October 23, 2006
9:28 am
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lovinglife
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trying to take a few to check in with ya all but have exH begging for my attention...so I'll see how far I get here....

yes, Mich I sometimes wonder if men are all just evil, but for some reason I kind of like'em and beleive that there are good, mature ones out there...one of my dreams. Up to this point I just haven't been healthy enough to find him yet, but I'm getting there. And try your best to let go of those thoughts about regarding the "maybe he's right" stuff... can almost guarantee he's not. Yep, and I too JUST heard that I'm a selfish little bitch! Kid ya not. All because he wants my time and I have nothing to say to him other than..."Hey dude, we're divorced...I do not have to give you any of my time..." And then he thinks of a million reasons why we have to talk. I don't know why it happens in your case but in mine my best guess is that he is insecure, miserable inside and wants to drag me down to his level, and he does not want to let go of me at any cost. He'd rather have me depressed and miserable not coming out of my room than see me happy with another man OR happy around anyone other than him. But I do know that he has an amazing knack to leave me just exhausted in a matter of minutes. He's in the shower right now so I'd best hurry.

And Mich it does suck when you're trying to get better and have a person around you with such a negetive energy draining the life out of you -I have had to so fight to get to where I am today - another story, another time : )

Yes, you are alive!!! I'm very happy about that my friend. It is all gonna take time so even though you feel you're not doing the greatest, your doing. Each moment of hope, each moment of growth will just continue to build, may not happen as quick as you'd like but it will. Just know that if/when you ever have one of those down moments - you have all of us here to listen, to give ya hugs, and to hold you.

I met the son's gf quickly last night - she seems adorable - thank god, not at all like I had expected. Apparently the guys my son works with are giving him a hard time because a few of them like her also but she likes my son who is younger then the rest. So I just imagined the worst- wondering what a girl of 21 would see in a 17 yr old *boy* (who stands 6'3!) But I think I'm going to like her, and he is just so happy. He got his heart broke real bad last year by just the type of girl I told him to stay clear of and he didn't listen.

I'll be back ex is yapping, and if I don't post this I'll lose it...

October 23, 2006
9:37 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks LL. I just wanted to note though, You are one of the most caring, compassionate, loving people I know so I know that part about your ex-h calling you a selfish bitch is SO not the truth. Let me at him....That just makes me want to smack the snot out of some people. Anyways, I think otherwise just so you know.

I am glad that you liked the sons gf. That is GREAT.

Gotta run for a little bit.

October 23, 2006
9:56 am
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cyndra820
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LL,
Your xh sounds like a peach, NOT!! I can't believe he called you selfish, let alone a bitch. No, Mich, I want at him first. He sounds like a selfish brat who needs... Okay, I'll cool off and think about that one.

Glad you liked the new gf. The fact that she's adorable speaks volumes about her. Tell your son not to listen to the other guys. They're jealous and blowing smoke.

Mich,
You are making progress every day. BABY STEPS are still steps!!! Remember that. It may get worse before it gets better, but you are not alone. We are always gonna be here if you need to vent, whine, scream, yell, kick, whatever you need.

Your h is SO WRONG!!! You are not a bitch, you are not selfish, you are not ungrateful!! You are a wonderful woman with a giving and loving nature. You are beautiful on the inside and outside. You have given so much of yourself to him and your children you barely have anything left over for yourself. The next time he calls you any of those names hand him a mirror and tell him to say it again!!

Take care,
Cyndra

October 23, 2006
10:11 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks Cyndra,

I just have nothing left. My childhood left me believing a lot of what he said. No doubt about it, I have a worthless feeling about me. He didn't create that, he just adds to it. My past far outweighs my present, but I am done, and I am tired and weak. I am sure you have seen me post those words before. They are the truth of who I am. Tired, weak, and for the most part...hopeless. I am a very scared little girl trapped in a womans body, living the life of a mother, and a wife, and the mentality of an 8 year old.

Thanks again for listening to me whine..It comes pretty natural now a days. Especially when I am going to see Jim today and I am tired and scared to death. I am already on the virge of tears, the thought of talking about anything to him scares the hell out of me today. I am so afraid of ending up just like I was last thursday...Scared and alone.

Scared

October 23, 2006
10:40 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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GG,

Are you around? Haven't heard from you yet this morning...Are you feeling ok? Let us know how you are...

October 23, 2006
11:17 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks Ma.

LL, if you are around or anyone for that fact. GG needs you guys on the "break in" thread. She is having a VERY hard day.

October 23, 2006
11:52 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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I have to go, I will talk to you guys ina while...Counseling in 1 hour...

Scared

October 23, 2006
3:58 pm
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ggfred4
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mich, just wondering how our session went...I also wanted you to read the thread,Why poem...please.

Thanks for being with me today,,,it helped a lot...

doing better, still no word from doctor or hospital and it is 3p.m.

October 23, 2006
4:09 pm
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ggfred4
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sorry mich, I meant your session not our..sure we are not twins...HA...(I need a session though)

October 23, 2006
4:10 pm
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lovinglife
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Hi all~ ((((Mich, GG, Need, Cyndra, Mama, Ma,))))

Got in 5 hours of sleep-yea. And thank you Mich, I did see GG's posting, she so didn't need that. And dern she had such a good, relaxing weekend to. Hoping her test results come back with good-positive news. Anxiously awaiting to hear from her.

Looking forward Mich to hearing about your appt as well...I'll check back in later on today...(((Mich))) Just hope I’m around if you are in need of support – but if I'm not KNOW that I am thinking of you.

And yes, my exH is so not a peach...very much self-centered...though oddly he'd give ya the shirt of his back. And tonight or perhaps tomorrow I'll hear what a wonderful person I am- all depends on HIS mood or if I'm appearing to seem happy/content, and if he has my attention or not. I just got hung up by him a few minutes ago- apparently I wasn't listening to him : ) And Monday mornings are generally hard for him as he *sometimes* goes through the weekend without drinking (because he has his son)- not making excuses whatsoever for his behavior -but I can finally see the pattern. If he feels like shit, you can bet the rest of us are going to to. If he feels that I'm feeling good, you can bet he'll rip it right out of me. Someday I hope to be free of him, and the life he has given me and my sons...at times it doesn't seem attainable and other times (when I am away from him for awhile) it feels like it is within reach. Blind choices I've made- only wished I had the tools/knowledge a few years back, (getting to old for this) BUT then I wouldn't have met all of you!! Everything happens for a reason. But THIS, my life, is fricken insanity because of one person who doesn't want to change, doesn't see a problem with the picture. And even with me seeing the pattern, even with knowing the why’s …it doesn’t make it any easier. BUT I am finding strength in those Al-Anon meetings…which I hope to make it tonight (I just might have to go looking like a truck ran over me, but that shouldn’t matter right??!!)

And why does everyone apologize for venting or for sharing what they truly feel??? We are worth it dern it, we matter and have to quit telling ourselves we don't!! Maybe this should be called the ,"Vent- whine all you want thread...you will find suppport,love and growth here..."

Love you all : ) ...

LL

October 23, 2006
4:39 pm
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armyleo
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Hey are you guys going to be around later so I can listen?? don't really feel like talking but I'm here today..

I'm not sure what is going on with everyone.

October 23, 2006
4:55 pm
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lovinglife
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ArmyAngel~ You are always welcome to listen and if ever you want, can talk to : ) or vent. And great to hear from you.

October 23, 2006
6:07 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am back....for now. He really thinks that I should be in residentail care somewhere.

October 23, 2006
6:46 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Girls....Anyone.....

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