Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Living with a Sex Addict
November 17, 2006
5:48 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have finally got answers to questions I've had since we met. We've been married a little over two years, but dated for a year before that.

I never felt emotionally close to him in the way that I wanted. I had just come out of a long term physically and emotinally abusive marriage and that I had met the man I had always been hoping for. He told me he was a recovering alcoholic, but hasn't drank in over 20 years. I respected him for his committment to not drinking. He had some "problems" and was estranged from a good portion of his family. His adult child doesn't speak to him. His two sisters wouldn't speak to him. This was all explained due to a "bad" divorce he had gone through and that his family were very strong Cathloics and didn't approve of diroce. I didn't totally understand, but figured families react in different ways, so . . .

My husband told me he had been sexually abused by his father as a child and that it had caused him some "sexual identity" problems in the past, which caused him to "act out." He assured me he had participated in intensive counseling and overcome his problem. He was pretty vauge about his past activities, but I was willing to accept that part of his life if he had resolved it and it wouldn't be part of our marriage.

We both talked of the importance of fidelity and being committed to one another. I believe he meant what he said.

The first year or so was fine. We had a good sex life. I still didn't feel the connection that I wanted, but figured that it was me. I, too, came from an abusive past and had problems with trust.

He's a professional. Holds down a good job and appears very family oriented.

Here's where the problems come in. The first thing I noticed about six months ago was that he had gone on a "Personals" website. When I asked him about it, he just said that he did it on a whim and that it didn't mean anything.

We started having arguments about little things. Our sex life decreased. He was tired and had sinus problems. We didn't take little romantic trips any more. He didn't buy be flowers like he used to. He seemed withdrawn, but when I asked him if anything was wrong, he'd answer with a no, he was just tired.

He had an out of town job related trip this week. The day before he left, I noticed he did a "Personals" search on the city where it was going. The only reason I know this is because when I walked into the room where he was on the computer, he switched the screen off really fast. Before he got the screen off, I noticed the "Personals" heading and later I went on and checked the history.

He's out of town now and I've done something I'm not proud of, but I needed answers. I went into a cabinet he keeps locked and found some papers where he was doing an AA 4th Step inventory. He wrote a long narrative about his past, including his many liasons with guys he would meet at restrooms, rest stops, bars, anywhere he could have anonymous sex. There was also a chart he had filled out that outlined wrongs he had done to people. My name was included on that list with the words of "unfaithfulness."

I am pretty nieve about these things and don't want to react and blame him for something that may not be a problem. But I also don't want to live in a sham of a marriage and risk myself to the possiblity of a STD or AIDS.

Help me, please.

November 17, 2006
6:33 pm
Avatar
dereka
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i dont know what to say to you the most sensible and pratical is to confront him!!!!! I know that its easier said than done, but its wrong to be treated this way all I can say is pretend you are someone else that you care about and giv yourself that advice and detach from the spider web of emotions for a little Hope that helps!!!!!!! Sprry I dont know if this helps.

November 17, 2006
6:42 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Caribou,

I think your health concerns are very valid. There are several books by Patrick Carnes on the issue of sex addiction that you might find helpful, to help inform yourself so you don't feel so "naive" about all this.

My exbf was compulsive with pornography use and masturbation to the extent that... well, he is my ex now. But at least I have no indication that he was acting out in ways that put me at risk of STDs. There are others on this site who may be able to relate more closely with your experience.

Please check out Patrick Carnes and let us know how things are going with you. I think you do need to tell your h what you found, and don't let him sidetrack you by complaining that you violated his personal writings. There is a bigger issue here, and it's not one that should be swept under the carpet.

best wishes to you, kroika

November 17, 2006
7:33 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for your replies. I'm feeling sick inside about all of this. I'll go to the local library and see if I can find any of Patrick Carnes' books. I've never dealt with anything like this before. I just don't understand it.

And I don't know how to open the topic of discussion. Welcome home, dear. Hope you had a good trip, and by the way, I think you're sick and I hate what I think you did to our marriage. .

I just don't know what to say. I'm feeling hurt, scared, angry, unsure of myself, unsure of him.

November 17, 2006
8:37 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I would confront your husband. Either way you would get an answer. And hopefully a truthful one. A personal ad while married is NEVER innocent nor does it mean nothing. He is denying; you are denying. You have a right to feel this way. It is not always true to just accept someone's past because sometimes people change partners but not their habits. I hope you find answers and the courage to seek them.

November 18, 2006
12:14 am
Avatar
Loralei
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I once had a married boyfriend that was a sex addict. He was also an alcoholic but had been sober for several decades. We had some very frank discussions about his addictions. As hard as it was for him to dry out and get sober, he was able to do it. But he seemed to think his sex addiction was going to last forever. As much as he loved his wife and family and didn't want to hurt them, he still needed the sexual variety of other women and men. His wife would catch him, he would repent and straighten up for a couple of years, but he always returned to his old habits. He realized that he was never going to change no matter what.

Even if you were able to accept your husband as is, with all his flaws, I think the bigger problem is his carelessness and negligence when it comes to protecting you from disease. If he has a past of indulging in anonymous sex, especially with men, then odds are he will do that again. That is extremely dangerous behavior. So many men seem to think that condoms make them invincible and most men will still engage in mutual oral sex without any kind of protection at all.

The fact that he was looking at personals tells you that he is on the prowl again. Whether he actually found anyone to hook up with yet may be impossible to find out. But you now know that he is at the very least, looking to find a sex partner. If he hasn't yet, he soon will. You don't browse personals unless you are shopping around. And if you confront him about your suspicions, he will lie. You won't get a confession unless you catch him red-handed. But from the "unfaithfulness" connection to your name on that list, I'd say you've already caught him red-handed. That's as good as any confession you'll ever get. And now he shopping around again.

You need to start facing the reality of your situation. You haven't been married all that long, so you really don't have all that much invested in the marriage. You said you never felt the connection you were hoping to have with him. Do you want to go the rest of your life without feeling that closeness, that intimacy that you long for? Men who fear intimacy never change so you would be stuck with an emotionally distant partner. How are you feeling about his bisexuality? That's something else that won't change about him. He will always want to have sex with men all along. Can you handle that? Most sex addicts crave variety and it is doubtful that you would be the only woman in his life. Do you want a husband you know you can never trust? And let's not forget about his possible exposure to STDs that he might pass on to you. Do you want every sexual experience to be one laced with fear for your very life because you don't know if he is disease free or not?

I'm sorry to sound so negative, but that is your reality and you need to face it. Don't wait until you have yet more proof of his infidelity. It could be years before you are ever able to catch him and he could have had dozens of sexual flings during that time. You've already seen the proof of his addiction. He will always be that way. You've only been married two years and he's already acting out. It will only get worse.

I can only speak from my own experiences, but I have found that the men who start cheating early on in their marriage are far more likely to keep on cheating than the men who are faithful for many years and go on a cheating binge during mid-life crisis and then settle back down again. The first is a sign of a sex addiction. The second is just temporary insanity and they are often worth saving. Not all cheaters are the same.

I'm sure this isn't the kind of help you had in mind, but I'm just relaying things I've learned from the men themselves. Only you can decide how much you are willing to tolerate and if it's worth it. You didn't sound that happily married to me. Learn when to cut your losses. I'm truly sorry for all the pain you are feeling.

November 18, 2006
8:23 am
Avatar
Notsure
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hello caribou,

I am notsure that you are living with an actual sex addict. While he could be, it sounds like a quick conclusion and he sounds more like a "cheater".

It seems to me, from what you have written, that your husband might be gay or at least bi which would explain the deterioration of your sex life.

I am afraid, that while difficult, that you are going to have to confront him on this in order for YOU to be able to move forward. Regretably, you moving forward may mean having to leave the marriage. If he refuses to talk to you I suggest using a mediator like a marriage counsellor.

Good luck. Regards. Notsure

November 18, 2006
2:56 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Today, it is politically correct to discuss your husband's activity as "sex addiction." I have a better word: INFIDELITY. He has broken his vows to you ("...forsaking all others") and has violated your trust and the sanctity of your marriage.

I believe that you should leave him. It is highly doubtful that he is going to change. It would take years of serious therapy, in addition to sincere repentance. I doubt he is capable of both. Remember that even a "dry" alcoholic is still an addict. Doesn't, matter what his drug of choice might be for escaping Reality. An addict is an addict is an addict.

You really need some support right now. You have been in denial and are now facing stark Truth. That can be painful beyond words. You are facing the loss of all your hopes with this man. You will be grieving for a Season and need help to get through it.

Please keep posting here. We will stand by you the best we can. I would also recommend that you seek our spiritual and psychiatric counseling for the encouragement and closure you need to move on with your life, after this tragic blow-up.

I am so sorry you are facing such a horror. You will get past it, but it is not going to be a painless process.

- Ma

November 18, 2006
10:34 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Notsosure ~ you've said:"It seems to me, from what you have written, that your husband might be gay or at least bi which would explain the deterioration of your sex life." Well, if he is having sex with men and women he perhaps is bi, but that doesn't mean that he cannot be faithful and that their sex life have to deteriorate. Bi sexuals (and gays) can be as faithful as heterosexuals.

However, he also might be a gay and seeking sex which truly satisfies his desires by having anonymous sex with men; perhaps he lives in denial, that's why he got married and maybe that's also the reason why his family doesn't speak to him, maybe he is not sex addict after all.

(((Caribou))) I am sorry for what you are going through, no matter what is it, I know it is very hard.

November 19, 2006
12:55 am
Avatar
Loralei
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This is taken from Sex Addicts Anonymous:

http://www.sexaa.org/12ques.htm

Answer these twelve questions to assess whether you may have a problem with sexual addiction.

Do you keep secrets about your sexual or romantic activities from those important to you? Do you lead a double life?
Have your needs driven you to have sex in places or situations or with people you would not normally choose?
Do you find yourself looking for sexually arousing articles or scenes in newspapers, magazines, or other media?
Do you find that romantic or sexual fantasies interfere with your relationships or are preventing you from facing problems?
Do you frequently want to get away from a sex partner after having sex? Do you frequently feel remorse, shame, or guilt after a sexual encounter?
Do you feel shame about your body or your sexuality, such that you avoid touching your body or engaging in sexual relationships? Do you fear that you have no sexual feelings, that you are asexual?
Does each new relationship continue to have the same destructive patterns which prompted you to leave the last relationship?
Is it taking more variety and frequency of sexual and romantic activities than previously to bring the same levels of excitement and relief?
Have you ever been arrested or are you in danger of being arrested because of your practices of voyeurism, exhibitionism, prostitution, sex with minors, indecent phone calls, etc.?
Does your pursuit of sex or romantic relationships interfere with your spiritual beliefs or development?
Do your sexual activities include the risk, threat, or reality of disease, pregnancy, coercion, or violence?
Has your sexual or romantic behavior ever left you feeling hopeless, alienated from others, or suicidal?
If you answered yes to more than one of these questions, we would encourage you to seek out additional literature as a resource.

I think the man in question exhibits a number of those traits. I also found this definition on the net: "Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts."

Human sexuality is very complex. But anyone with an unusually intense sex drive and obsession with sex has a much more difficult time living within the constraints of marriage. And if you add bisexuality into the mix, then his wife can't possibly satisfy those needs. I don't think this is anyone's "fault" but rather a condition they find themselves in.

Just remember that you can't change other people into being what you want them to be.

November 19, 2006
7:52 am
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well no matter how much it all stacks up it ends up being that you are #1 in the priority of things but you are not the only one and that is big reason to ditch this person. Who wants to be once of a few or many? You deserve better than this. He might have some good qualities like a good job but so do many other people in this world. Don't settle for someone who has a secret life. You will never be able to trust the person and without trust you can never really have a good relationship. The lack of trust is always going to be there. My last BF that I came to this site to recover from was labeled a sex addict. I was the other woman sadly. And I was #4 as far as his list. Will he ever change? I doubt it. He might not ever cheat again but the temptation and looking will always be there. Don't settle for that. That NEVER goes away, a man who looks.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
24
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111039
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38581
Posts: 714351
Newest Members:
kozakor, cabaccum, tayecok, serebrina, zanehamilton, HowardWow1997
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information