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living one day at a time vs living day to day
August 16, 2001
9:33 am
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sue2001
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so I got confused of the two.I don't even know what one day at a time means. Living day to day means I have been alive one more day. I have been able to shut the voice up about me leaving one more day. I literally feel two forces in me. The one that tells me that I have to go, I have to save myself I have to do something to live. The other force tells me that I need to take care of my husband I can't let him down. The children can't handle a divorce I wonder if that is my children or me sometimes. I feel a fight and the me in me wants to get out wants to live but the other force I guess would be the child wants to make it work. She sees that after 30 years of marriage finally she will get what she wants, love respect, honor. MY parents have been married 30 years many times I thought even as a child that both of them would be better off if they had never married in the first place but now that they have they should divorce. So after 30 years and the kids are gone off to live their lives and all should be good but is it? NO he still gives her the silent treatment for any reason she still changes things around to make everything look ok... she still jumps and does to his every command I don't think he could fix his own plate if she was there.maybe they are ok with that maybe they are content but I am not... SO then I say why not why can't I put up with it for the kids for him he needs me right.... then back again no he doesn't need me he can do good by himself.... but can he? what if my son freaks out and becomes one of those kids on tv that shoots up a school or slaughters his parents or my daughter is 13 and is pregnant.... my parents like I said could have divorced but the stayed together and all of us turned out ok but did we? I am here wondering why my heart hurts so bad and knowing what and how to fix it but won't my bother is married to my "MOM" and acting like my father. One sister was married and had two kids. Now those kids are under the custody of his mother and she lives in another town going back and forth from filing for her second divorce to back to him agian... another sister is ok kind of she had a stint of not knowing what she wanted and left her husband which made them lose the house they just bought. THey are back together now and things seem to be fine but they work dang near 24-7 the child stays at day care or his mothers house... She has no sense of her money she has a nice place and car but it seems like she sabatoges her self when ever she gets something nice.... Another brother works all the time everything is about work... if he ain't at work he ain't happy....he married a woman that DEMANDS he work and be the only bread winner... she works for her spending money and that is fine but she insists that not one dime of her money goes for any bills or necessaties she says that he is the man and he should have to pay for all of that....he says that he will not be like our dad that when one of his kids need something it will damn well be there for him.... all of us are financially better off than our parents but what is money when you are misreable... I think and I know for my self that we are all alive but are we living? who is really happy in life right now .... I can't say about my brothers or sisters.. but I can say that the mess I am in is not where I want to be... my friend said to me what is the meaning of life she said to think about it for awhile and get back to her... I knew the answer immediatly but you know I was acctually afraid to tell her in case I was wrong....THE MEANING OF LIFE IS: TO LIVE but although I know the answer that does not mean alot to me right now at this point because I don't know how to do it... like putting together an engine.. I know how to start it and little things and I know what it looks like when it is finished but without instructions there isn't any way I am going to get it done by myself... so I go get help but who do I ask.... do I want someone that will do it for me ... do I want some one that will sit back and give me minimal instruction and critisize me when I do it wrong or do I do the scareiest of all and look at the pieces evaluate them test and try and see how they fit together trial and error type thing and I know that is the way I would have to do it but what if it doesn't work... or if some one comes over to see what I am doing will I try to hide it because I won't think they will approve of me doing it by myself... or will I be proud of it and expect them to say so any one can do that...I know this is long and drawn out and I am sorry ... I just know that something has to give I was going to the store last night and I was thinking about everything and I thought to myself right now truely I could lay down and wait to die... of course I don't and I am not thinking about suicide or even wanting to die.... I just mean that the way I feel now about everything I really could lay down and not get back up.... why the war why can't I just fix the problems I know what they are ... and that makes me feel worse.... I know aht I need do I know what I need to fix but I don't know why I can't or haven't yet..... Sue

August 16, 2001
9:55 am
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Molly
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That was a really good rant. You simply must feel better just getting it out there. I think one day at a time vs living day to day in this context could be living with intent, vs surviving, like you said.
Sure this isn't a case of the summertime blues? I don't want to work I just wanna beat on my drum all day? You sound so tired, is it hot there? Gosh folks have been so ugly cranky around here especially around 4 in the afternoon, just so damn hot, it just seems to magnify every little complaint that we have.
sounds like you need to go to that island, with Hanz the massage therapist, where you snap your fingers and the pina coladas keep comming.
I used to think that about my parents, sure seemed like a love hate thing, and in a way, I guess I see that more openly about most of the people, that have endured more than 10 years, can't totally like them, but can't leave them, so could that be love? I said I'd love you forever, now I am waiting for the end of time? Sue, I know your not real happy right now, and the should I stay or should I go now, is a tough one, why can't you start carving your own little nitch right now while building your energy? If you don't take care of you, weather you want to or not, you can't take care of any one else, you carry the emotions of the house, and its true, a priest once told me that, if mom gets up chewing nails for breakfast, that is what the entire house eats. So, go get your self some joy, figure out what it is, then do some, then when your stronger, think if you should stay or go. Love yourself, hey go sniff some aromatherapy, make a spritzer of lavender and chamomile oils, its mahvalus dahling. Just try, ok?

August 17, 2001
10:53 am
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sue2001
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Molly I am mad... angry in denial, and maybe a few other things... I went on and looked at some of the other things in this site.(which I probably should have already done) I found a lot of stuff... If you get a chance look back at those things ... they have lists of things to look for in your life .....like checklist for hidden anger. Symptoms of codependent
Genereal rules set up with in families that may cause codependency and definitions of denial... I know that just because that is a general list and having any of the syptoms or any thing on the list does not mean that you are one or the other but 98% of what was on the lists I have have had did deal with or dealing with.... WOW not that finding all this out is so wonderful but I feel like a kid that just got permission to do something she has been begging to do for months... is that strange to feel like that.......over this?
Sue

August 17, 2001
12:34 pm
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Ladeska
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Sue....Strange....because you've never allowed yourself this freedom? Yes. Is it wrong? What could be wrong with growth, with personal boundaries, with breaking out of chains and taking responsibility for your life?

Just try not to run out in traffic or streak in the park or anything. Jail food is horrible. (smile)

August 17, 2001
12:55 pm
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sue2001
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smile.... yep I will contain my self to not do that any way .... I just feel more at ease....

September 2, 2001
8:47 am
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Y C Sheng
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I am hearing that you are taking care of others, how about Sue?

September 2, 2001
9:29 am
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Kattie
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Boy do I know how you feel. I am also trying to decide if I should end my marriage. With any decision there are pro's and con's. You being the frame work for the family need to be solid and strong. It sounds like at this point your begining to crumble. Look into yourself, who are you, want makes you happy? Make a list of things that you enjoy doing. I did and was very surprised at how long my list was and how I do every few things that I enjoy. You state that it's the child in you that makes you want to stay and fix everything. I think that you need to find the child in you and it's not the child who wants to fix things its the need not to hurt anyone. I my case I have asked my husband to leave the house for a few week for me to "find my self" so far the first week was rough, I missed him and felt alone. This second week has been GREAT. I feel stronger more confident and content. I don't have any expectations of when his coming home when to have diner ready, are his clothes clean etc... It feels so good. But I am still sitting on the fence trying to decide which way to jump. I have one more week to make my decision. And it is really scary.

September 3, 2001
2:33 pm
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sue2001
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well here i am back in my slump... whaa whaaa... it is a holiday and not that we really do much on holidays but you know you would kind of think families would want to be together.. but no here I am by myself and he is out doing whatever... I mean it doesn't even matter what he is doing any more... he isn't here... same thing happened on my birthday.... he was gone somewhere and here I was and when he did get home he went to sleep...
I could have told him that I wanted to spend some time together but we would have sat here all puffed up and I would have been on pins and needles around him trying not to piss him off any futher... and besides I didn't want to have to look at him all day... blah blah blah wha whaa .... I am so tired....

September 3, 2001
5:55 pm
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Molly
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Sue, your in hell, another word for limbo. You have some choices to make and until you make them, this is it.
Motivation factors.
I lived in hell, aka limbo for a long time. I made some of the right moves, and thought I was complete, until he came sniffing around again.
I made the choice to leave and start it all over, life that is. I had way to many things going on to have been sane, and do it alone, far less with out support, or medication. 🙂
Sometimes, it takes radical action to effect change. Lets face it, our guys know us as well as our kids, they know just how far they can push us, when we break, how we break, and what they need to do to make us better.
My leaving tossed my man into Boot camp, he lost weight, got a life, dated, yada yada yada, made some radical changes. I came back, and the first 18 months have been hard, but I learned things, and he learned things. The biggest lesson he got, is that yes, I will leave, honor me, and what I need, or your alone. My guy does not respond until his back is against the wall. Its not a game I play, but I am learning. Maybe , and trust me, I am not really promoting it, but what if you let him know that you are leaving, due to the porn, extra activities etc, do you think it would rattle his cage?
I get real frustrated because I put all of this energy into change, no change, I go into limbo, should I or shouldn't I, and then when I have made the plans, duh da, he changes. its like i ask, toss a fit, ask again, dwell in my stuff, make the plan, put the plan into action, mean what I say, back against the wall, it is a lot of drama, and he gives me what I ask for. I wouldn't wish this on any one but it is working for me.
Sortof, I mean I don't have all that I want, but am pressed for needs.
rock his world, and see if it doesn't effect his behavior. If not what do you have to loose?

September 3, 2001
8:41 pm
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Alena
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Sue, amusing how we hear ourselves as whaaa, whaa, yada yada, don't you think? But the fact remains, if we could cry and get someone to pay attention and fix our problem, it would all be worth the yada yada. Have pretty much the same experience as Molly as far as getting husband to LISTEN and take heed. I threatened, I whined, I yelled, I got quiet, I got downright cold, but it wasn't until my butt slammed the door behind me, the car started up and he saw my tail lights go down the street and not come back for 3 months that he actually said to himself, Hey, something wrong? He tuned me out. He took me for granted. And why not? I taught him how to do that. I have a feeling your husband would be stunned if you actually moved your feet , no more whining, no more whaaa, whaa, just watch me pack and talk to the hand. Have you ever done that?

September 4, 2001
9:27 am
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sue2001
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no but so ready too... I have had all I can take.... do any of you know what pus actually is? it is where the white blood cells come in and attack and eat the bacteria, infection or whatever is the problem. then the white blood cell itself dies leaving a greenish white glob of stinky pus... (beakmans world.com) I read that the other day and thought that is exactly what I feel like a big pile of pus... yuck.... any way I will be out the door soon...He has now invaded my private space.. a journal I keep... I told him from the jump that that was mine and not his .... that I could not keep him from looking at it physically but that I didn't want him too... I say I am surprised that it took him as long as it did to look at it... but sometime while I was at work he found it and read it and instead of putting it back he just left it out... when I went to write in it again I found that he had torn some pages out of it... my last two entries... I remember what I had written and it isn't like he didn't know all of that. I had told him before that I am not over his affair and that I was still dealing with it.. it is not that I groan about it every day but on occassion I get upset over it and I did the last time I had written in it... he had no right to look in my journal much less tear pages out of it....that hurt me pretty bad... for some strange reason it was worse on me than the porn on here...

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