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Listen to heart or head?
July 26, 2005
4:45 pm
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2alone
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Hi everyone - just need some advice. I've been dating a great guy for almost 6 months. I met him on-line and we live about 1 mile from eachother. He's educated, employed, well groomed and mannered. What bothers me is that he was on-line before he told his wife he wanted a divorce. He lied to me our first few conversations but he told me the truth before we ever went out with eachother. I told him we would only be friends until he filed and he respected my decision. Unfortunately I fell hard for him and soon the friendship turned into more. He had an intitial meeting with his attorney in April, he did nothing in May (wife's birthday month)then had a second meeting in June. He still hasn't filed. He says he's waiting for his attorney to get the paperwork completed. I know his attorney and I know his attorney is very busy. He's still living with his wife for convenience and financial reasons. I know for sure he's getting a divorce. I know he cares for me deeply. I just don't want to be made a fool of. He tells me all the time that he wishes he would have waited to start looking for a girlfriend until after he filed - but since it didn't happen that way we should just be glad we have eachother. I've met one of his brothers. I haven't met his other brother or parents. He says he doesn't want his mother to think I'm the reason he's getting a divorce. I don't want that either - but I also have this pit in my stomach because he can't or won't share his life with me. He tells me I'm too impatient...am I?
Bottom line is that I do love him but I'm not willing to make another mistake which will impact my future. My first husband was enough of a mistake that I don't want to do it again. Plus I have two very young children that would be impacted if this relationship went bad. My heart says give him some more time, my head says move on its been 6 months. What do you think I should do? BTW we have both been diagnosed as co-dep.

July 26, 2005
5:01 pm
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spagetti
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i think the best thing would be to tell him how you feel if he wants you then he could move away from the marrital home to show a little commitment to you he must understand your point of view you have been hurt before you have others to think about .lay it out on the table with him or perhaps you could suggest that you both wait until its final if he loves you and your feelings are true then it will be worth the wait.

July 26, 2005
6:08 pm
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dustygirl
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Move on and stop wasting your time. I fell for the same thing and it's been 3-1/2 years and I am "still waiting." Oh, he did move out and lives alone, but is still married for financial reasons.
It will be allot easier to leave after only 6 months - I'm not saying it will be easy, because I know it won't, but I wish I had listened to my head after 6 months of being with him instead of trying to get out now after 3-1/2 years.
Please do yourself and your children a favor and leave - if he really loves you and realizes that you really left - he will get the divorce and want a relationship with you. Right now - why should he leave - he's got the best of both worlds.
Sorry if I seem harsh, but I only wish I could go back and have never had an affair with this man as it hurt allot of people, but I have also seen over 3 years of my life pass me.

July 26, 2005
6:20 pm
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SexySadie
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Honey...he's not REALLY not available until the divorce is finalized. There is always the chance that they may work things out before the divorce is finalized. Whether or not he moves out of the house, not the issue. You didn't indicate if they have children, if they do...that could also complicate things.

I know you are leading with your heart right now and I think it's wonderful that you have stopped to think about all this...keep thinking. Do some soul searching.

I'm a hopeless romantic, I am the first to admit and I do believe in love at first sight...but when you met him he didn't tell you the truth...and when he did you still let the relationship continue. Do you believe him that he has filed or that he wants out of the marriage, or do you WANT to believe him. I am a firm believe of do unto others...

I say all this from experience. When my ex and I were having problems, he met someone else. We were still working on our marriage even though she was there in his life. He lied to me, he lied to her telling her the divorce was finalized and that I was some psycho woman. She and I are actually best friends now...she believed him then...only to find out once we were divorced that she was one of THREE other women that had keys to his apartment. She came running to me and I picked up the pieces for her.

Only you know what you will do and how you will act in this situation...but do you feel comfortable knowing that he's still going home to her every night? If there are financial situations now, is the house up for sale so that they can get separate residences?

I wonder if the wife knew the truth about the affair if she would let him stay there...after reading all the posts on here...I am not sure how many of us would allow it.

July 26, 2005
6:50 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Zalone:

You said "I also have this pit in my stomach". Listen to your head and your gut. Did you know that your gut is your second brain? Seriously, it is. But, not the point. When you listen to your heart you will almost always go wrong unless it is in sync w/ your head and gut. IF you are seeing these little red flags then it is time to move on. I'm sorry to say, but it is. Also, he seems to have no respect for the way he treats you. How does he treat the wife he is w/? The way he treats her will be a huge indication of how you will be treated once he's settled w/ you.

July 26, 2005
7:53 pm
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addicts wife
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okay... welll part of me says that a divorce takes tiime literally, emotionally and so on.
Annnd, Just because the papers are fianlly filed DOES NOT mean that you are instantly married to him... you have time too. IF you sincerely think this is worth the wait, effort etc, then take it a little slower.
Is your gut telling you things based on what you know about his marraige failing??
Is your gut telling you you may not be ready for such a big thing??
Is he capable to moving on so quickly??
These are just things to ponder.

July 26, 2005
8:20 pm
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2alone
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Thanks for all the good advice. Not one of you is telling me something I don't already know. I guess now its time to put it into action. I'm afraid to be alone again...but it has to be done I guess. I have to start doing what is good for me and not what is good for someone else. Please think of me...its going to be tough.

July 27, 2005
9:01 am
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kc30
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2alone

you have my best thoughts and wishes. Ending this relationship is the right thing to do for your emotional health, and that of your children (healthy mommy = healthy children). Married men are off limits- whether they say they want to be married or not. Good advise for all of us I think...save us all a world of pain and heartache.

peace

kc

July 27, 2005
11:34 pm
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chickyfighter
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Ditto, married men, or soon to be divorced, or thinking about divorcing, or recently divorced people, or men attached to another person are OFF LIMTS!!
the advice you got here is really the best, plus your pit of your stomach is right on!!
Wishing you the best, you need peace and he does not seem to bring you that.

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