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Light at end of tunnel?
October 3, 2008
12:49 pm
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distressed
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First I have never participated in any thing like this so I am new and inexperienced. So I guess I will just start. I am recently divorced after 14 years of marriage. He was my childhood sweetheart, so we were together almost 20 years. I am 33 and we have two young boys. He had an affair with a 20 year old, I asked his to leave after 6months, and soon we divorced and have been now for 9 months. My situation now is that I am in a bad relationship. I find myself clinging to someone that I know is not right for me.I care deeply about him but he tends to be emotionally abusive. I have recently gone to therapy and just realize that I may be codependent. I dont fully understand what that means exactly and would like others input. I just want to be happy and I am so tired on this constant feeling of heaviness.

October 3, 2008
1:44 pm
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cancer
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Hi distressed,

Try being by yourself for awile, a new relationship(REBOUND)that is not going your way right after a divorce will only add more baggage. Try to deal with how you are feeling about your divorce first and when you are physically, mentally & emotionally ready.........you'll know when its right to move on with someone who will treat you right. GOOD LUCK!

October 3, 2008
2:22 pm
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distressed
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Thank you cancer!

My problem is I am so attached to this new relationship. I know its unhealthy. Its like an addictive relationship. No matter how unfair or mean he is to me I can't seem to let him go. He cussess me cause I "nag" him or repeat a question more than once. He keeps himself emotionally unavailable. I am really not getting very much out of the relationship. We live an hour apart and only see each other on the weekends. I almost feel its ideal for him . I just feel so heart sick.

October 3, 2008
3:26 pm
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cancer
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Well, you have to take the first step by weening yourself away, you already know its unhealthy, maybe he doesn't have anything else to offer you..............TELL YOURSELF YOU DESERVE BETTER.

I myself don't know much about codependency but this sounds a lot like it.

My motto is GOOD RIDDENS TO BAD RUBBISH............BE STRONG, THERE IS ALWAYS GOOD OUT THERE.

Keep yourself busy, talk to friends, spend time with your children.

October 3, 2008
4:05 pm
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atalose
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That’s classic codependent behavior - being addictive to relationships. Also staying in an un-healthy relationship just for the sake of being in one is another sign of codependency.

Codependents define themselves through other people. They count on other people to provide their happiness.

And most often codependents find themselves in relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable and will never meet their needs.

Another part of codependency is the need to fix, control, change and re-pair others.

I’m sure a big part of you jumping into another relationship(rebound) after the divorce was because your self-esteem was given a blow with his cheating and with someone so young. We all want to feel loved and wanted and something in the beginning with this guy made you feel that way but today that’s not the feelings you are feeling.

He lives an hour away and you only see him on weekends, that’s not real secure for someone who may be feeling insecure about themselves and a relationship. Buts it’s ideal for someone who may want to end something that is no longer working for them.

Once you get honest with yourself about why you think and feel you need to be in a relationship at all, then work those issues.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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