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Life with My CD mom
December 28, 2003
2:25 am
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MrkFrmSeattle
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Hello, I am posting with the hopes that someone can give me some insight about my situation. Sometimes feel at wit's end with what to do because I get so frustrated.
I am a 32 yo male. I am once again living with my mother, who is helping me get back on my feet after screwing up with drugs and alcohol, again. My father (deceased now) was an alcoholic. Mom was with him for 13 years before she left him. She was attending an al-anon group before I was kicked out of my clean and sober house (I have 120 days now) but then she took me back in and didn't go back. It seems like all we do is fight and sometimes I get so worked up that I think about using again. I go to aa once a week. Mom seems so controlling all of the time. She tells me how I should wear my hair, what clothes I should wear, how to put dishes in the dishwasher "the right way". I get so mad at her sometimes that I worry that our relationship will become permanently damaged. If I stay here, will I just continually have to beat my head against the wall trying to make sense of the way she acts? The plan at present is for me to go to community college for a year and get a job and get on my feet. I feel good about my sobriety, but I just don't know if I can hack it here that long. Should I get into my own clean and sober housing? Should I try to get mom to go back to al-anon? I really want to stay sober and start over and do things right for once. I would really appreciate some feedback on this.
THank you

December 29, 2003
1:10 am
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gingerleigh
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Hi there, I'm from Seattle too, just wanted to introduce myself.

It is HARD living with parents even as a teenager, and even worse as an adult once we've been on our own. I don't know your mom, but her controlling actions might just be an extension of "her house, her rules". She's probably taking out some anger on your, perhaps displaced from her previous relationship with your dad. My advice to you would be to try to do your best, and not take criticism personally. If she picks on you about a particular habit, put yourself in her shoes, see if it's really valid or just a nag. If it's valid, tell her you're sorry and try to follow the rule. If it's a nag, well, give her a hug, and tell her you'll try to remember next time. For instance, if she complains that you loaded the dishwasher wrong, that would be a nag in my opinion. If you left your dirty socks all over the front hallway, that's a legit gripe.

Maybe try pretending that you are a guest in her house and treat things in that manner. She will be appreciative, and it might make you feel like the situation is truly temporary, rather than getting too settled into a situation that you don't want.

You say you plan on community college. Are you enrolled? Can you also work part time while doing this? Perhaps the less time spent at home, the better...

On a personal note, did you see any snow on Christmas Day? We were up in Snohomish in the evening, and had about 2-3 inches on I-5 on the way back down to Seattle.

December 29, 2003
8:30 pm
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MrkFrmSeattle
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Excellent feedback, thanks gingerleigh!!!

December 30, 2003
3:23 pm
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bel
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You know my mom and I are close but there is something there that makes her want to her me emotinally.

The other day I went to sis house where mom lives and alot of family members were there to have turkey dinner. Well nephew had a fit because I was playing around with his toy piano (he is 3). So I put it away and mom grabbed it from me and put it behind her back (he is one of her favoites). So I simply said gee mom you don't have to grab it from me I turned it off, and to this she yells at me I WAS TRYING TO HIDE IT FROM HIM BUT HERE YOU CAN HAVE IT! and proceeded to throw it accross the table at me, which I then pushed it away from me and she pushed it back where it hit my chest. My niece who was sitting by us (in her 30's) said whoa calm down girls and then to my mom(they call her nana) Nana calm down now. Well I simply didnt want to be treated that way so I got up grabbed my purse and walked out the front door and went home. I know on my part that was childish and I should have just ignored it as I always do but that day I just could not and went home and had a good cry. Well now mom wont speak to me unless she had to and when she does she is very rude and curt. Was I wrong in my actions? Am I to sensetive? Am I a Big Baby?

Bel

December 30, 2003
4:12 pm
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gingerleigh
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Just some thoughts... I don't think you're being too sensitive, Bel. The litmus test is that she started throwing things. Not OK. The only choice you're left with now though is how you want to move on with things with her. You *could* confront her directly, tell her that you are sorry that you two fought and that you love her and want to put the argument behind her. You don't want to take the blame for the argument... but you know that she is never going to step up and own her part in it, so maybe the best thing to do is tell her you love her, and silently choose to not fight this particular battle with her any longer. If you do feel sorry about walking out, you can apologize for that. It's probably not real productive to explain to her what led you to have to walk out (she probably wouldn't understand anyway). Perhaps she would respond to the direct approach?

December 31, 2003
12:43 pm
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bel
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Hi Ginger and Thanks for responding. I did call mom but did not mention the upset at all just tried to chat with her but she stays angry and at times that makes me mad. I understand she is older and she suffers alot in pain but I think she should learn to control her harsh words and actions. IM not the only one she does this too there are about 4 of us and she hurts us. But IM going to let it slide again and just tell her how much I love her and hopefully she will get over it. Its a New Year and I want to start it off right.

Happy New Year Ginger! 🙂

Bel

December 31, 2003
1:17 pm
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gingerleigh
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Happy new year to you too Bel. Your mom sounds a lot like my grandma... she can be so mean and spiteful, just like a little kid. Grandma is 76. My mom is 57. She literally makes my mother crazy, and stays angry for long periods of time over any little thing, but if my mother forgets to call her just one day, hoo boy, look out! Everything from yelling rants to guilt trips, and the insane control tactics that go on, even to the point where my grandmother will tell my mother what she should and shouldn't eat, even going so far as to yank food off her plate and replace it with something else. I mean literally yank it, with her hands, and drag it onto any other available dish.

She'll do the same thing to me, and I usually just let it sit there and shrug it off, counting the hours until I get to hop on the plane and head back to my own reality, but my mother dutifully eats it and says "thank you, Momma..." until she can't take it any more and bursts into tears or has to run from the room.

Mom usually "fixes" everything by apologizing to her, even though none of it was her fault, just to restore some sort of sanity to the environment. Grandma wins. Yay. We've tried reasoning with her, getting her to change, but it just never works. She won't even try. Eventually she will spit out something like "I'm your mother" or "I'm old, what else do I have except to torture you?" or "I've got nobody, what did I ever do to anyone?" I'm serious, she really says these things. Bel, the only reason I'm rambling on about it is because you might find some of these things funny or even familiar. The hiding the piano behind her back thing sounded *really* familiar to me.

Gosh, wish I could get you and my mom out for a pina colada or chocolate milk shake... you two could probably trade stories for hours!

December 31, 2003
1:27 pm
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bel
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Hey Ginger my mom is 78 and yep she tells me things like are you eating again! Or dont eat all of that up save some for others! Your grandma and my mom sound the same for sure. What can you do? Live it and run for home base when you can. 🙂

It was so cute I left her house upset and got home, saw my son who opened the door for me and said if anyone calls for me IM not home and promtply started to cry. He followed me all the way down the hall to my room and said whats wrong mom??? I told him and then said ( sniffle I didnt even get to eat sis's turkey dinner sniffle) so he went and make me toast and scramble eggs! How sweet 🙂

December 31, 2003
1:41 pm
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Zinnie
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Bel,

Give your son a big hug for me!

Sounds like my parents. As I have said before, now my Dad called me and wants to know "why I'm mad at the whole family?" Well, I'm not mad at them, I just refuse to put up with their antics anymore. If you throw something at me (favorite of my Dad's), then guess what, I will throw it right back... then, I will leave.

Z.

December 31, 2003
6:26 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Bel,,, If I'm out of line, let me know. Is this the same woman you grew up with?

Also,,I don't think you acted childish at all, sounds like mom is the one with the problem.

Let me tell you about my mom,,,she's so funny, but I didn't think so until I got quite a bit older. She still drives me absolutely crazy though. No matter what you tell her and I mean no matter what,,,she quickly points out every single negative thing she can think of about whatever it is you tell her about. Example: I just got a new kitten. Mom says to be sure and have her spayed or she will have zillions (zillions mind you) of unwanted kittens and then what will I do with all of those kittens (I can't get a word in edgewise) until finally she takes a breath and I quickly tell her the kitty has already been spayed. Well, here comes a tirade about how if I don't watch her diet, she will become terribly obese and die. Hee-hee,,,I just gotta laugh.

I swear to you and anyone else who will listen that if my mom won twenty million dollars, there would be nothing and I do mean nothing but negativity. You musn't drive if one flake of snow falls, or you will wreck and maybe have to go to the hosptial, and everyone knows how expensive the hospital is, and you might be permanently injured;;THEN what would you do? There is nothing that I can ever buy that is cheap enough. I don't even tell her if I can help it if I buy anything. If she happens to notice I have on something new she will tell me how hard it will be to get a stain out of it. I could go on and on and on, but I already have... One cannot imagine how hard it is to have a conversation with her. Come to think of it, one cannot have a conversation. You tell her something and then you listen forever about everything that could possibly, remotely go wrong and then what a mess you'll be in. It's a trip I tell you,,,,But I love her...grin....Love to you Bel,,,,W

By the way MRK,,,good advice from Gingerleigh,,,,sorry for such an intrusion on your thread....W

December 31, 2003
6:56 pm
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tooscared
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I know that you are trying to be such a good daughter Bel, but I am proud of you for not sitting there and just stuffing your emotions. You left to protect yourself from further hurt. That is a good thing and your mom will get over it. I don't think that age is any excuse for being rude to people. My grandpa is 88 and he has hurt my feelings many times with telling me things like - don't you think you need to push back from the table or just other comments about my weight. I think as he has gotten older he just thinks he has a right to say whatever he thinks. Well, it is never right to say hurtful things to someone else no matter what your age is or their age.

So, try not to beat yourself up with what you could do to make things different. Just continue to take yourself out of situations in which you are being verbally abused. Love you Bel.

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