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Life was easier when I was unaware I had problems
May 31, 2005
11:42 am
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glittered when he walked
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Ha ha. seriously though. I'm not saying life was better, just that it was easier. Kind of like the "ignorance is bliss thing." Now...I'm confused. Before I thought I knew what I was doing. Now I'm wrestling with should I try to make things work with my wife or should I separate? If I am to try to work things out, what do I do with my anger toward her for her addiction and infidelity? can I really open myself up to that kind of vulnerability again? am I being co-dependent? Can I get over the hurt enough to love her again? Am I being unreasonabe with my expectations of her that she be less demanding of me? am I being a fool to try or not to try? Why am I angry when things don't go according to plan? Is there an end to all this confusion?

ya know, Mark Twain once said "when I was 18 i thought my father was the most stupid man in the world, and when I was 21 I couldn't believe how much smarter he'd gotten in 3 years." funny thing is..the 18 year old is blissfully unaware isn't he? Not that it's better to be ignorant...just that it is at least comforting to have conviction isn't it?

May 31, 2005
12:56 pm
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tracylyn
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Hey glittered ~

I've just been grazing thru threads today cause I don't have much time to write but I had to respond to this one and just say AMEN!!!

I started this crazy journey into self discovery 5+ years ago. I tell ya what, my life was soooo much easier then BUT, and this is a big BUT (no not mine however)....now I got off track. hee hee

Anyway, my life was easy then. I was a stay at home mom, no money worries, big house, a nice ride, a cleaning lady, a lawn service, no worries, all I could want right? WRONG, I was miserable and unhappy but hey...life was easy. I didn't have to dig down deep inside me and find my demons and confront them and learn to love myself and question every single day if my behaviors are healthy and I didn't have to constantly tell that inner child she's lovable because hell I didn't even know then that she existed.

So my life now....I'm a single mom of 3 working full time, I clean my house, I mow my yard and I LOVE it. I don't answer to anyone but myself and God. I'm happier than I've ever been but my God is it hard sometimes.

The hardest thing I've ever had to do was to take a good hard honest look at me. Whew....only the strong survive!!!

Good luck to you!!!

t

May 31, 2005
1:01 pm
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tracylyn
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Humm, didn't really explain that well did I?

My life "then" was when I was married. I had to hit rock bottom to figure out it was such an unhealthy relationship and find the strength to walk away.

My life "now" is 5 years after I left that life to find myself.

t

May 31, 2005
1:04 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Glittered,

It so funny that you started this thread today!

I was just having this same exact conversation with my girlfriend this morning.

I mentioned to her that since my quest to become healthy started, I've had nothing but aggrevation and anxiety!
I said how much I could relate to the scene in the movie "Riding in cars with boys" where the girl says to her friend that went off to college.."I wish I was dumb" and he said "why"....she said "then I wouldn't know any better and I could be happy".

Of course, my friend totally disagreed and told me to stop talking nonsense but anyway......

At least I can see, I'm not the only one that thinks that way from time to time.

Lolli

May 31, 2005
1:23 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Sometimes it gets so confusing I don't even know what i'm confused about. ha ha. It would be really funny if it weren't true.

I feel like everything is up in the air and I have no idea how i want things to turn out. Am I being unreasonable? Is my wife being a selfish manipulator? I don't feel that she loves me. She says she does and she wants to stay married. She says to me she doesn't feel loved..and I wonder to myself...is that because i have been unloving or is it because she is too demanding? why doesn't she feel loved? I'm so tired of sitting down to have conversations about us that turn into what's wrong with me. I don't think I'm blameless, but I have never heard my wife accept any responsibility for the state of our marriage beyond "well, i felt ignored so I would lash out at you and then hurt myself."

I feel like I'm always chasing some moving target..like she's lucy with the football and I'm charlie brown.

and in the end. I remain confused. Good God I wish i could come to some resolution of this matter with health and clarity. and wouldn't you know it..my therpaist had to move my session that was to be today to tomorrow.

May 31, 2005
2:03 pm
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2bstrong
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Hey glittered,

I love the title of your thread! It's also very time consuming to deal with all of this. When I was a happy idiot, counseling, the self-help section of the bookstore, this website, and sitting in people's offices talking "recovery" were the farthest things from my mind. Now I have little time for anything else!

I also would like to say if there is one word that I have used to infinity in these past 2 weeks, it's "confused". Even my confusion is confusing to me!

I too, pray to see thru this mucked up mess, and come out a healthier human being.

I don't know if this helped, but I totally understand what you are feeling and I do believe, these feelings will pass and things will become clear.

2b

May 31, 2005
2:22 pm
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Rasputin
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Hey Glittered,

Life is easy with when we live it in a LIE.

But do you think we are happy when we live it to that standard? A life based on a lie is shallow, superficial, people or partners are wearing a mask, behaving like actors or comedians. It is fake, phoney and false. People who live this kind of life have no identity, character, or essense. These kind of people scare me to death.

It is easy because people invloved are living in denial. This denial is like dust and debris, they accumulate subtly day after day, till one day they get suffocated by the pollution of their toxic life.

Wise people refuse lies; they prefer to face the truth head-on, they discuss their challanges openly. They have no fear, their love is stronger than any negative emotions. They are transparent.

Life on planet earth is once, and it's too short no matter how long we live.

Therefore, let's make INTEGRITY the alpha and omega of our life, and sweep out any traces of lie, treachery, and deceit in our life.

Glittered! Your average life before was easier, but it was like false gold, superficial, tedious and unhappy, based on false love, shallow sentiments, mask wearers.

Choose pure and true gold, like love, honesty, faithfulness, friendship, permanent contract.

Choose Authenticity, true and genuine love, even if that means stepping out of comfort zone and daring to step on pain zone!

In order to smell the Beautiful Rose, we must let our fingers get hurt and bruised by the thorns first, it is worth it!!

Love,

Rasputin

May 31, 2005
2:54 pm
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2bstrong
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Wow--rasputin--that was a good post!

love & ((rasputin))

May 31, 2005
2:58 pm
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kc30
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Ha! I've thought that more than once! The only way I could go back to my old life would be to go back to the way I was...unaware of my unhealthy patterns.

As tempting as it sounds....I don't think I'd trade my newfound knowledge for anything...not even to put my family back together, because these unhealthy patterns would just repeat in my kids, which is not an option.

That's why I know my husband and are done. I can't go back. Even worse...I think someday, I'll be grateful to him for smashing my heart. If I hadn't been so destroyed, I would never have started recovery.

It really is fun at times.

t- you give me hope. there is a light!

kc

May 31, 2005
3:20 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Rasp,

Thanks for the thoughts...but as I prefaced my remarks...I'm not asying life was better when I was ignorant of my problems. just that my ignorance made it easier. I am full aware that the problems should be dealt with and not ignored.

I suppose that because the problems must get worked out it's natural that things seemingly get worse before they get better.

In the end I don't think that my love was superficial nor do i think that my sentiments were shallow.

May 31, 2005
3:34 pm
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tracylyn
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kc ~

There is hope. There really, really is. I know you see it and feel every day as you get stronger. I know the first time you came here you didn't see it at all....but look how far you've come in such a short time.

I think back then I was in this fantasy life. Life just went by me but I didn't really participate. I was reactive instead of pro-active. Now my life is what "I" make it, not what someone else thinks it should be.

It's hard and there were days when it all just seemed too hard and I wanted to go running back to where life was easy, simple, I didn't make waves, I didn't express my opinions, I just was. But eventually it all starts to make sense and you can see that horizon on the other side of the mountain. It's a journey worth taking. I wish everyone could do it but I think there are only a few of us (everyone here included) that have the courage and the strength to do it. I know a lot of people don't see themselves that way but everyone here, looking for answers, is stronger than those that are just letting life pass them by.

t

May 31, 2005
3:36 pm
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Rasputin
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Sweet Glittered,

I was not talking about you in particualr. I was commenting about false life when lived in a lie. Cause I know many people, even average people live this kind of life. There are even people whom, when I talk to, think this kind of life "Idealized life" does not exist. Please do not take it personally. I know most coda people personalize things, I am no exceptions. But it was not directed to you. I have just read your post and was merely giving my opinions.

(((LOve)))

May 31, 2005
4:19 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Rasp,

OK. Thanks for clarification. I remind myself of a someting I once heard on M.A.S.H.

Hawkeye: "Frank, you're paranoid!"

Frank Burns: "I'm only paranoid because everyone is out to get me."

May 31, 2005
4:20 pm
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lollipop3
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LOL....glittered.

It's good to keep your sense of humor.

Lolli

May 31, 2005
4:23 pm
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Rasputin
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Glittered: That is funny even hilarious!! How super-sensitive we are when we are under stress!!!

2b: thank you sweetie, glad u liked the post!

(((I Love u guys)))

May 31, 2005
4:45 pm
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hulababe
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Glittered,
As I read your thread I thought of how I feel when I drink. It is like being in love. I can't describe the anticipation of knowing that soon I will be in oblivion. Then I come to and realize the horror of what I willingly participated in. Yes the desire to escape from reality is always there for me. And just for today I am trying to deal with life on life's terms. Alcohol/Co-depency are ruthless diseases. I know I would love to give myself over to using again if it didn't cost so much in human suffering to myself and family. I am thankful for knowing the truth. I am miserable and suffering but I trust if I keep taking steps in recovery I'll be able to live without the desire to drug myself whether it be with relationships or alcohol.

Thanks hb

May 31, 2005
5:19 pm
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glittered when he walked
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hula,

Bless you in your recovery.

May 31, 2005
8:11 pm
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moongirl
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rasputin! wow, I read these posts daily for support... I keep coming back to your thoughts about "living a lie" and how denial builds up....
I really want to thank you for that perspective. I beat myself up for not being able to work things out with my ex, and my own counsellor points out that an ended relationship can actually be a success-- you have just succeeded at NOT being able to maintain a dysfunctional relationship. Life may not be easier in the moment (when you're aware), but in the long term I know I am saving myself years of pain that just slowly squelches every authentic part of myself when I'm with someone toxic.

May 31, 2005
9:27 pm
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Rasputin
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Hey Moongirl,(Cute name!)

What you have done is very WISE decision!!! You will always be happy looking back at your life you've done that choice. Being lonely and happy is much better than being in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship or marriage.

I am very proud of you, persevere, life is not easy, but with God/Higher Power, the journey should be more fun!
Glad you liked my post. Keep coming here!

(((Hugs)))

June 1, 2005
1:19 am
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hulababe
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Glittered,
Just a thought on listening. Ihonestly don't think I understood what you were saying because Iwas hearing what I thought you said. I also have to admit that I think I used my post as a forum to talk about myself. When I reread your thread I think I hear you saying that your awareness seems to have complicated your life. Before you really thought you knew what you were doing and it seemed easier. I remember being in denial about my codepency and honestly I looked like the living dead. It really got to the point where I was suffering so bad that "the carrot was very small"
and no longer worth it to me. So I guess I cant really relate because things were crazier when I wasn"t dealing with my codepency.
Thanks for the blessing!
PS I'm new to this form of support. I'm used to the no cross talk rule simply because we co-dependents need to reinforce our own reality and not what someone else thinks our reality is. So I appreciate the feedback but I'm not sure this is the kind of "help" I need. hb

June 1, 2005
3:03 am
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Cinamac
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I thought my former life was easier...but deciding to change at midlife and sticking to it was prompted by walking through hell. Well, my gran always told me, hon, when your walking through hell, keep going. So I did. It wasn't easier. I just pretended it was.

To change, I had to get it together for myself. I hid behind my ex. And it is sooooo easier not living with and enabling an addict/alcholic abusive, theiving....oh don't get me started. But rescuing him, covering up, etc made me look like a saint (a haggard, worn out 90 year old one, but a saint at that). Looking back...manI think I got 4 hours sleep every night covering up for him, worrying, helping, cleaning up after....the list goes on. Now I just look after me and my kids...oh so much easier. And I look 50 years younger.

It was hard losing everything material, but now everything I have is MINE! And I gained the world. The kids and I have a blast, go on holidays. We are having the times of our lives. And I have teenagers!!! Living addict/alcoholic/abuser free is like being let oout of prison. Sure, you get used to the routine of prison and everything is provided- but what a controlled and crummy existence. Hulababe said it perfectly "I know I would love to give myself over to using again if it didn't cost so much in human suffering to myself and family. I am thankful for knowing the truth."

Live truthfully. It is one of the Four Agreements. Be impecable with your word. I t hard, but once you are out of hell, it is like living in the garden of Eden.

June 1, 2005
3:16 am
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Cinamac
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Glittered- PS If she is havign affairs and is suffering with addiction- no wonder you are confused. Having been in that world- it is one of smoke and mirrors. Most things said from people that I have dealt with sleeping around and drinking/drugging are manipulations. It is confusing because they are living a lie. I am so glad to hear you are seeing a therapist. Living with someone like that can warp your reality becasue you are sharing your reality with a person who is characteristically (maybe not you in particularly) cheats, lies, manipulates.

June 2, 2005
11:27 am
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glittered when he walked
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To clarify some things:

- My wife is in recovery and has been clean for 1 year. she is active in the 12 steps

- She had an affair, but is no longer having one.

I saw my therapist last night and he told me that if I am confused I should narrow my focus - much like the addicts do via "Just for today." Which makes sense as much of my confusion is tied up in my considerations of the future. For today, My wife and I are commited to making this work.

My task for today is to deal with my anger about the whole thing. In this way, I can achieve acceptance and peace. This morning I was thinking about the damage addicts have wrought in my life. It made me angry at them. Now I know that they didn't intend for this to happen, but it was a feeling that welled up within me. My feeling/thinking was "these wacked-out ego maniacs of no self-esteem become addicted to drugs and wreck havoc in others lives - it makes me want to smack them." but that kind of thinking/feeling if actively pursued won't solve the problem, nor will it help..it will only make things worse for me. I must process it in a healthy way so that I can achieve acceptance.

June 2, 2005
11:37 am
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lollipop3
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Ahhhhhh, the elusive acceptence.....

My thoughts are with you today, glittered.

Lolli

June 2, 2005
12:00 pm
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glittered when he walked
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lolli,

thanks.

Hulababe,

I am unclear as to what you mean when you say "I'm used to the no cross talk rule simply because we co-dependents need to reinforce our own reality and not what someone else thinks our reality is. So I appreciate the feedback but I'm not sure this is the kind of "help" I need"

I wish any and all addicts blessings in their recovery. It's not so much feedback as it is general well wishing. If you rather I didn't offer it, I can respect that.

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