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life just hasnt gotten better..... please help me
December 18, 2004
10:43 pm
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shatteredheart
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Hi, my names mandy, well my cousis baby died about 2 months ago, she was only 2, they never found out what she had, they just knew it was viral, so it really upset my family and relatives. With the holiday season coming up, i dread going to see my relatives, only knowing they they'll be crying and i hate to see that. My grandpa is crying alot, depressed, my aunt called my dad to see if they could raise money for him to see a therapist and get a antidepressent pill maybe, its just about killed my family i mean my dad is drinking alot of alcohol every night, my moms getting in fights rapidly with him, making him cry alot, it hurts seeing so much pain my life, its almost like i wish i could just end it, it hurts me everyday, i mean just a few months ago i think my bf commited suicide, life hasnt gotten much easier i mean i'm half korean so i had to put up with alot of kids teasing me this year, im 14 and live in Ohio, just the age where kids wanna chose someone to pick on, and esspecially in ohio where there aren't much asians, i've recently gotten into a fight with a friend, a big fight, we havent talked in weeks, its kinda hurt me, all these things together make me wanna explode, i just wanna get out of my life, i dont want to comit suicide because i know there are better things ahead, but i just wonder why god does this to me, why he makes me suffer through all thats happened, i dont think about anything except depressing stuff like my bf cutting and probably comiting suicide, how horrible my christmas is going to be, it just swarms my mind, help me -mandy

December 18, 2004
10:53 pm
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anyalissa
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mandy....i am so sorry you are hurting like you are. it is true, i dont know why life has to be so painful at times. i am 38 years old, and my daughter is your age. she also hurts a lot. even though i am so much older than you,,,,,i still feel much of the same hurts you do. but i have also learned that pain, just like joy, has a limit....there is a point when the hurting stops. why you are hit with so much pain all at once, i dont know. i feel that too....and i am learning to accept that life really has a lot of ups and downs, and the downs are really really hard. though i can see you have your head on straight,,,,because you know how to turn for help. i wish i had some magic words that could make all of our lives so much better, but we have to accept that life is just this way.....and that iT ALWAYS gets better.......i hope somehow you can find joy in something.....and keep posting here...there are many loving people here that all help each other.
love, anyalissa

December 18, 2004
10:59 pm
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shatteredheart
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thank you, that sends alot of encouragement, i do try to get through the downs, but i get so depressed easily in the process that i have to miss several school days and everything

December 18, 2004
11:02 pm
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anyalissa
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do you have a counselor, or parent, or anyone you can talk to?

December 18, 2004
11:09 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Mandy,

Life can be so unfair at times. You've had more than your share of heartache and disappointments lately.
I am truly sorry for that.

Keep looking for and focusing on the positive each day. You are right, you do have alot to look forward to.

Chin up hon. Things will get better.

December 18, 2004
11:15 pm
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shatteredheart
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no i dont really have a parent i can talk to, because well when i ever try to talk to my parents they laugh at me or make fun of me, i dont know when my dads havin a bad day or drunk so i cant rely on talking to him, i dont even know if its him im talking to, just some guy whos had to much to drink, my mom well she makes fun of me or she will tell someone, i cant rely on her for anything

December 19, 2004
12:21 am
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ladyvirgo
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Oh dear, Mandy, you are in such pain!
I remember when I felt like that. It was like being in a private hell with all the pain reseved solely for me.

You know, Mandy, that all your family members are in their private hells aand dealing with it in their own ways. One cries, one fights, some ignore, and so on. But you are all in pain for the same reason.

They are all as alone as you are. All so much cut off from support - just like you are.

Sometimes it's the younger people who have to teach the older ones!

Mandy, could you just go to your grandfather, or whoever you choose, and hold onto him, and cry - together.

December 19, 2004
12:59 am
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shatteredheart
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thats sweet,i could do that, i try to give my relatives and family members support but it hurts to even be in the same room as them, let alone being close to them like that

December 19, 2004
3:55 am
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ladyvirgo
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Yes, I can understand what you say, Mandy. I know how hard it is to be around pain.

And you say that you like to support the family members, but fear the pain of being close to them.

Can I ask you, does the pain go away when you are not around them?

December 19, 2004
3:34 pm
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shatteredheart
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No, its about the same all the time, i cant say it gets better because i get depressed no matter if i'm around them or not, i guess it sometimes feels better when i do get the courage to give them a hug

December 21, 2004
9:01 am
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msguud
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Dear Shattered:

Try the YWCA in your area, hopefully there is one. They have counselling there and they really really care about you and your problems.

We all love you here!

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