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Life is Stressful Beyond Belief...
March 20, 2008
6:34 am
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Miley Mae
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September 29, 2010
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I am sick and tired of dealing with all of the stuff I do. I cant take much more. School has completely drained all of the life out of me. All I think about is make-up work, homework, and ESSAYS!!!!! [gosh how I hate those things!!!!!] && I’m tired of not understanding geometry. No matter what I do, I will NEVER understand it....I’m tired of feeling like a failure. I need summer to be here.

&& work, I hate my job....maybe not the job in general, but just a lot of stuff about it....I mean, I’ve met a couple great people working there.....but I don’t know how much more of Carlo I can take!

&& why is it so important to take so many meaningless classes?!?!?! Why should I have to take 4 math 4 language 4 science && 4 history classes before I graduate?!?!?!?!? Why did I choose "The Professional Pathway"?!?!?!? I think I’m beginning to see a career change in my future, maybe a stay-at-home mom (yea right, not in todays world!) I don’t know if I have the faith in my self that I use too....I don’t know that I know I can be a dentist anymore. I just don’t know anymore!!!!!

&& hate the feeling of always having to please everyone. Why am I like that? I feel like I have the responsibility on my shoulders to always do "The Right Thing" I feel like I can’t have a real life, because when I do something that I think someone might disapprove of, I actually feel guilty....

Why should I have to listen to what everyone thinks about my mom? my dad? Its none of anyone’s business....doesn’t anyone understand that its hard enough to deal with emotionally? mentally? but having to physically face everyone that has something to say about an issue that doesn’t even concern them pisses me off!!!!!!! Seriously, don’t people have a life of their own?!?!?!?!?!? Why don’t they live it?!?!?!?! Instead of trying to live through someone else’s. I’m tired of answering for them, I’m TIRED of trying to be adult. I just want to be a kid again. I don’t want a car, I don’t want a job, I don’t want this complicated life that I have created!!!! I want the biggest thing I have to worry about to be "Whose coming over this weekend?" Why can’t I just go back in time....like to elementary school...&& know everything I know now....&& redo everything, the right way.

I’m missing Becky so much right now. Shes so far away. I feel like Ive lost her && I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to. I feel like no one understands like she did. no one. I know she’s happy && I know she’s in love, but why cant she be happy && in love in West Virginia? or at least why cant mom just move there? no one understood the kind of friendship we had, it went so much deeper than any other friendship I have. Its like we completely understood what the other was thinking, even if she didn’t say a word. I love her so much && I feel so lost with out her.

I have unbelievably became so unfaithful to my church. && I hate it! I barely make it 2 times a week when I never went less than 3 but mostly 4. && I hate that when I actually go, everyone seems so concerned about where I’ve been or why I haven’t been there, but they couldn’t even pick up the phone to see if I was okay? Seriously...give me a break...don’t act like you care if you really don’t. but no one understands how much time Becky &&
I spent there. so much time, so many memories. Thats all I can think about when I’m there, && It hurts....like how we use to go all hours of the night && just sing....&& how I spent 95% of my time with her.....how praise team was "our thing" && now all of a sudden shes gone? && how every Sunday morning we use to sit in the front phew...and now its empty...&& how she always use to sing...&& now I never hear her beautiful voice....&& how many crazy, fun nights we use to spend together laughing && playing ’Mario", but now some how, so fast, its all gone...&& it will never be the same again, because nows shes married...&& marriage is huge...&& I don’t think I ever realized it before until I was sitting in church that Friday night listening to Becky && David say "I Do" && then they were announced "Husband && Wife" WOW. Thats when I realized that it was actually real, && it was actually happening, but I could never, EVER, ask for a more supportive friend...or a more perfect man for her, he’s amazing && I love her with everything I have && more.

I think that maybe Becky was right when she told me that I needed to go on anxiety medication, but I don’t want to depend on those things to get me through life, I see what they do to people. && I don’t want to be known as a pill popper...I don’t need that, I couldn’t deal with that.

Honestly, lately I just have an "I Don’t Care" attitude && I’m sick of it!!! I want to care...but I just don’t!

March 20, 2008
5:17 pm
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Celtic1
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September 27, 2010
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(((Miley)))

You are going through a really ruff patch right now. ;0( Hang in there things will improve.

School is what it is but in the end you will be glad you finished.

Do be true to yourself though.

As for Becky, she has moved on to another level. You will to eventually. It's really hard when our bestest friend moves on without us but.... We make it past and remember the fun times.

Keep posting and venting.

Celtic

March 20, 2008
7:12 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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September 27, 2010
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keep plugging away. education is hard but then no one can take it away from you and you can go and do whatever you want. you willhave great opportunties.

March 21, 2008
8:40 pm
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chelonia mydas
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September 24, 2010
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((((Miley))))

It sounds like you are going through a great deal.

I felt the same way about school, but just kept at it. Now I have so many more opportunities because I finished it. This is only a small part of your life, but this tiny fraction of frustration and feeling this way has a huge impact on your future. If you can get through the classes your life will be so much better with more opportunities and choices, your feeling of failure will lessen once you realize how much better things are because you finished school. If you drop out, then you will live with limitations and be denied many opportunities simply because you didn't finish school. Those limitations imposed on you because you don't have a diploma or degree will make you feel more like a failure than you do now. Don't give up on this one honey. Its a big one- keep going and just do your best. No one is perfect. I sucked at math until I took calculus... then I realized that my mind was too theoretical to deal well with basic math- but give me theories and thats when the fun begins... maybe you are the same way.

Now for Becky, it sounds like you are greiving a loss. The loss of your close friendship that meant a lot to you. But you make yourself whole, not her. She will always be special to you, and you enjoyed the time that your lifes journeys crossed paths, but that time has passed and there are new adventures for you in the journey ahead. Greif takes time to work through, you sound very normal for a person greiving. Just give it time, you are adjusting to a life without her. But realize that it is just an adjustment and not the end. Change is always difficult, but always opens new opportunities too.

Sending you comforting hugs to help you through this rough patch, Chelonia

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