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life fallen apart!
January 1, 2011
12:00 am
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darkeyes
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right
now i want to just curl up and die..where do i go from here...im
alone..its like ive been striped bare of everyone and
everything..how do i start all over again..

January 1, 2011
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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((((((((Darkeyes)))))))))

One moment at a
time, you begin to rebuild your life. Keep moving forward, even
that forward momentum means that you just get through that moment
to the next.

We go through many
rebirths in our life, the birth that released us from our mother's
bodies was only the first of many to come. There is the birth of
learning something new, such as walking, reading, swimming etc that
opens up new worlds to us. Then there is also the birth brought on
by change. It could be moving to a new geographic location. It
could be changes in your friends and family. It could be career
changes. It could be changes within ourselves that allow us to
become someone different than we were before. It could be a
combination of any of those or something different all together.
Everytime our life falls apart, it is actually just a rebirth into
a new life. The previous life needs to fall apart to give us a
chance to start over and learn from our previous successes and
mistakes. A new opportunity to create something wonderful and full
of experiences, both positive and negative.

Sometimes I look
at each phase of life as building a house. If the house have has a
bad foundation, the walls are falling in, the roof get blown off in
a slight breeze leaving me exposed and miserable, I have two
choices: repair it or start over. Sometimes life throws a wrecking
ball into your house and there is nothing you can do but start
over. Sometimes our current house is falling apart because we
neglected to do maintenance over a period of years or maybe when we
first build it we didn't have the skills to create a good solid
foundation or structure to allow it to last so it eventually just
falls apart.

There is a period
when our life feels like a pile of debris. For me this is one of
the most painful and difficult times with the period where the
house is almost falling apart being the only part more painful. It
is so important at this stage to clean it up before moving on an
building again. It is hard work, but so worth it in the long
run.

If we build on top
of the debris of our previous home, then we will create an unstable
foundation that will make it more difficult for our home to weather
the future storms. So with all that is happening, just get through
the next moment, to the next moment. When you are ready, begin
cleaning up the debris and then when you have healed from this, you
will have a chance to build again.

Sending you lots
of love and compassion and support and strength and comfort and
anything else you need to get through this.

January 1, 2011
12:00 am
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darkeyes
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Thank
you chelonia..moment by moment is all i can do to get through
this..ive struggled all my life cos there was never a stong
foundation, now i need to find the strenght to clear the debris and
build a stronger foundation, to begin building my house
again..where my journey is going from here i dont know..its scary
& the most painfull place of my life and ive been through some
painful situations but this is the hardest cos its me just me
myself and i..

January 1, 2011
12:00 am
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atalose
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(((((dark)))))

I’m sorry you are
feeling so down today and I’m not sure the circumstance of you
being striped bare of everyone and every thing, that must feel
really scary today.

I think being
striped of negative people, places and things allows us the
opportunity to grow. Kind of like getting rid of an old familiar
car, it was reliable at one time but no longer serves it’s purpose
and too much of our assets needs to go in to it to keep it
running.

And now let’s talk
about our assets. You are in the best company you could possible be
in with - you yourself and you (me, myself and I) A dawning of a
new day and year, time to turn the page and begin a new chapter of
your life. The growth I’ve scene in you is amazing! The visual I
get is you are a beautiful hot air balloon anchored (husband, grown
children, extended family) to the ground waiting to take off,
anticipating the adventure wanting to set sail but unsure and
uneasy about cutting those ropes that keep you anchored to the
ground that is familiar.

I picture you
cutting those ropes and soaring up into the clouds – free and
alive!!! From above you spot a beautiful landscape to which to
build your new foundation.

(((((dark)))))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 1, 2011
12:00 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Thank
you Chelonia for what you wrote. I can apply that wisdom to my own
life.

{{{Darkeyes}}}} I
feel for you. We are here for you. Let us know what support you
need.

Bitsy

January 1, 2011
12:00 am
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darkeyes
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Atalose,Bitsy thank you..panic i feel now, I just need to sit
with this emotion until it passes..knowing i can come here to post
is my life raft right now its keeping me afloat..Dark!

January 1, 2011
12:00 am
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zarathustra
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you
know dark eyes i am obssesed with the idea of creating light from
darkness, it is what the bible says how god created everything (not
that i am particularly religious) light can always create darkness,
the brighter the light, the stronger the shadow, but darkness only
creates more darkness, it is thinking like that that has convinced
me that i am evil, that i come from darkness, so how can i possibly
be light? to do so would be god-like, LITTERALLY. but you know
what? you do create your own light, and you erase darkness
whereever you go, what you wrote to me made me smile, it made me
feel better, you created light in my dark mind, i dont know yur
situation, but i have lost everything before too, and more thaqn
once, my house, my friends, money, everything, i know the feeling,
but you are not darkness, you are a bright candle in a dark world,
dont ever go out, because the world is abetter place because of
you, you bring light to others who have never seen it before, i
onyl wish you could see how bright you shine, sorry about my
lengthy metaphor, but i think it fits for you, keep shining dark
eyes, you make the world a brighter place, even if you dont know
it.

January 1, 2011
12:00 am
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darkeyes
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Zarathustra! thank you! words that spoke to me were "creating
light from darkness"....you say you come from darkness, believe you
are a light from it. I believe you are. I believe we all have a
journey to travel, what we encounter on this road, we gain insight
from, we can share and make others aware and Ive seen from your
other post what you share is positive, how can I then believe you
evil..someone once said we have choices so we can choose
better..Dark!

January 1, 2011
12:00 am
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zarathustra
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lol
happy to make you feel better. and yes i happen to be a big fan of
"light from darkness" dont ever forget even the smallest of candles
brings light to the darkest caves 🙂

January 1, 2011
12:00 am
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zarathustra
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i
looked outside and saw some stars, that isnt you shining is it dark
eyes? lol sorry i am told my jokes are corny

January 2, 2011
12:00 am
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darkeyes
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zarathustra! at a very low place to day, and to see what you
posted made me smile corny or not....i accept im alone,I feel im
slipping into a place that if i fall in no one will ever reach me
again..I feel if i allow myself to fall in i'll be safe from pain
for always but then do I just exist in this life, is this where my
journey is taking me.. Dark..

January 2, 2011
12:00 am
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zarathustra
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dont
think like that, because you wont be safe from pain. trust me. do
you know what happens when you fall? you are just left alone at the
bottom. what you think is strength is really weakness, if there is
one thing no life can endure without is love, we need it, more than
oxygen. i thought i was strong for going so many years without
attachment, witout caring for anyone or anything, but then i met my
best friend, and for reasons i will never know she cared for me,
and made my heart come back to life. it litterally hurts me now
when i think about hpw happy i am to have her in my life, it is
that feeling that drives me forward, if i feel this with her, i can
only imagine what true love is like. right now you are walking on
th side of a blade, if you swerve justa little you will fall into
darkness, i know the road is long and painful, but at the end is
pure light, it is tempting i know, I HAVE FALLEN OFF THE PATH
BEFORE. but we always find our way back ,and we are just left
feeling foolish and full of regret for ever thinking
otherwise

January 2, 2011
12:00 am
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zarathustra
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the
good thing about being so low sometimes is that we get to go up
afterwards. and there is nothing like the feeling of going up.
(((dark eyes)))

January 2, 2011
12:00 am
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darkeyes
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I
feel its not strenght or weakness.. its survival! in my life right
now I have no love, yes i have many people who say I love you and a
min later its gone out the window, is that love..ive attached and
many times in my life ive been rejected why i dont have answers to
these questions..is this a choice im choosing..im just tired!!maybe
i need to go into the darkness to see the light again..

January 2, 2011
12:00 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Darkeyes, I just wanted to share that no matter how far we are
along in our recovery we all experience sinking spells. I haven't
really wanted to leave the house all week. It has been wet and cold
and I live in the southern part of the US. I don't want to be cold.
It has been gloomy. Ex-h came and got Cat Friday. I usually choose
to stay in on New Years Eve but Friday night was somewhat hard for
me. New Years Eve and I was all alone. I heated some leftovers.
Drank several glasses of wine and went to bed and read a book until
I was sleepy. I woke up in the middle of the night and experienced
such a loneliness it was overwhelming. I thought why am I even
alive if I am destined to this abyssmal loneliness. What would it
matter if I even died just died tonight, but then my thoughts
turned to Cat and the legacy she would have of growing up without a
mother and that I would miss out on so much of her life.

They are running
promos here in the US of Joan Rivers moving in with her daughter
Melissa. The premiere show is January 25th. It looks cheesy and
like just another reality tv show but I can't wait. I have humored
myself into thinking one day that might be Cat and me.

I just want you to
know that I do understand and even though I have periods of time
when I think I've got it all together and am going to be OK in the
middle of that the sadness comes.

Much love and
support.

Bitsy

January 2, 2011
12:00 am
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darkeyes
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Hi
Bitsy! is it a sadness for loss?. ive been alone for the last 5
days first time in my lifetime..if i was to die would anyone even
care, let alone miss me..am i to blame for all this and the truth
is i am, by choices ive made..thank you for your support & love
its helps to kno you care, i wonder sometimes, all the lovely peole
on here why cant we find in the real world? Dark!

January 2, 2011
12:00 am
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It No Longer Matters
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am i
to blame for all this and the truth is i am, by choices ive
made...

I am also alone
because of choices I made. Therein lies the problem. I can't
forgive myself for the choices I made that have led me to where I
am. Back in September I had a "come apart" and started crying and
couldn't stop. My life was a mess. I eventually tracked down my
former priest and went to talk to him. I confessed it all to him.
Everything I had done that led me to where I was. We went through
the Reconciliation. It may not mean anything to you or to anyone
else but when I feel the thoughts creeping in and taking over I
remind myself that I have received forgiveness and I need to accept
that and not blame myself anymore. Yes, I am to blame for where I
am but it is a fresh start. Quit beating yourself up
Bitsy.

Bitsy

January 2, 2011
12:00 am
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darkeyes
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Bitsy, im the only one who has control of my life, by not being
aware, i gave my power away to all and everyone, choices ive made
by in not knowing i could choose differently.. im alone now cos i
am aware, and have taken my power back from all these people.. i am
in this place you call " coming apart" I believe its where im to be
as of now, how I move forward from here I havnt a clue but i do kno
this, all the distance ive come on this journey im not going to go
backwards.. the pain where i am right now is so easy to give in and
go back to where i began this journey 7yrs ago, but the sprit in me
is fighting all the way forward...I understand you looking for
forgivness from your priest I do... but hun forgive yourself first
thats where all the love and nuturing comes in. like me you made
choices but now you kno better choose better..Blame is the wrong
word for this, being aware is the key here for us now...you kno
what Bitsy i feel the rays of sunshine on my face for the first
time in a few days even its night time now where i am..thank you
for sharing with me youve helped me move forward a little.. love
and hugs your way Dark

January 2, 2011
12:00 am
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zarathustra
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i
have literaly wrote three different repsonses for this thread and
deleted them all for fear of not saying the right thing, since i
have no right thing to say i will say the good thing, which is
reminding you ladies that even though you cant see me or anyone
else on this site you have made our lives better, and for that i
thank you, i only wish that you were happy, for that is what you
deserve most in this world, to be truly happy, if only you were so
happy you never logged on again, that is what you deserve. sorry i
cant give that to you, but i can remind you that you are amazing
people, dont ever think otherwise

January 3, 2011
12:00 am
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darkeyes
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Zarathustra, thank you for your kind words..Yes we all deserve
happiness and to be happy but only we can do that for ourselfs,
just all the potholes we fall into on this journey, is how we
become aware..please take your own advise on board cos you deserve
all what you want for everyone else also.. Dark..

January 3, 2011
12:00 am
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zarathustra
miami, florida
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lol
thanks dark eyes, but as i say, no one spends more time in my head
than i do, and in my opinion i have alot of work to do before i
have the right to rest. you can call it my repentence for past
mistakes, trying to erase a guilty consience, but truthfully, i
just cant stand seeing people like you being sad, it reminds me
that this world is evil, and the amazing thing about goodness, is
that in this world of pain, good things still come out of it, like
you.

January 3, 2011
12:00 am
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darkeyes
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Z
this world isnt evil! its the people in this universe that creates
pain and suffering..look at nature yes it has it bad bits, but in
the system of things it has balance..its survival..in human beings
it power the ego plays a hugh part.. deep
subject..DARK!!

January 3, 2011
12:00 am
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zarathustra
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i
believe people there is a difference between good and light, evil
and darkness, i believe evil is inherint, and self sustaining, just
like good, i believe light needs a fuel source to maitain itself,
and darkness is the result, the cause, the reaction to creating
light, darkness is not evil, it is mearly what happens when there
is no light in an area, it becomes dark. evil is not the result of
too much goodness, evil is there because it is there. you can
change darkness into light, and vice versa, but there is no hope
for evil, there is no curropting of good. sorry, i got deep there,
but hey i am single and i dont go to school, i have ALOT of free
time

January 6, 2011
9:18 am
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zarathustra
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hey darky and anyone else who reads this, posting on a thread moves it to the front, again people the threads that were at the front before all this happened are on pages 21/22 under general support in the archives. they are there just look

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