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Life Changes and pondering help please
January 10, 2001
4:47 pm
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Molly
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Despite my current bout with the flu, life is some what stable, boring but stable. I don't have what I want, but what I need. I resumed my position at the clinic in September, because I needed to do something, and it was familiar, with the hope and possibility of a job that I wanted. Didn't get that job. I have been working in the same position that I left for less money and no benifits. I enjoy the clients, the work, and the staff is more like family, than other employees, but it is an entrapment. I was yesterday offered the position permanent,at a wage that is not enough to live on far less what I was making when I left, the question to be answered tommorow, is weather benifits will begin tommorow, or another 3 months. The benifits equal about 10K which makes it worth some of the low wage. Like a bad marriage it does provide some security, butt...... I have a hard time with the hours, I must get up at 3:30 in the morning, drive 35 minuets, an hour home, and this does not agree with me, including the low wage. There is no possibility of advancement, like ground hog day same thing day in and day out, as well as moral issues of billing for services not rendered and a lack of real treatment in some issues, limitation in effect. I have all of my immediate needs taken care of, but no financial security for the future, no assets, no real debt other than my car lease, but need financial gain, wich will not happen where I am currently working. I feel like I have to many options. I don't quite have the financial resources to set up my own practice which I would love to do, but can teach, sell real estate, or do mortgage loans, but fear leaving the security of even a very low paycheck, as well as friends, and resent the entrapment of no where to grow. I know that if I leave I have the possibility of creating a social circle, something in common with my spouse which despite his faults is trying,and financial gain, but not the emotional satisfaction of knowing I am giving what others cannot to a population that is written off. It is hard to leave where you know you do good, and some are dependent on you. But so much for others, I need more money, not out of greed, but out of survival needs in the event of my husbands health failing.I have been told by him that I must create my own security. I know the hours, and the depression at the clinic, effect me, and that being with others in a different field of work would support a higher vibration that could propell me to another level, which might help me get to where I need to be financially, so that I could do the work for others better? Suggestions please.

January 10, 2001
5:43 pm
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eve
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Molly,
don't feel trapped, just because you're about to sign a permanent employment contract. Aren't you able to give notice if you find something better?

a friend of mine switched to working part time in her old job. And in the afternoons she is starting her own business. Its a lot of work and it also drains some energy, but she seems to thrive on that. This would mean less money for now - and more opportunities for later. As you have quite a long drive maybe you can arrange working on a 3 days per week scedule (better than drive daily).

January 10, 2001
7:26 pm
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gingerleigh
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Great idea Eve. Also, another philosophy that some live by is that a job is just a job... you put your nine to five in and the rest of the hours in the day are yours.

Why not cut down to part time at the clinic, during hours that are convenient for you, even if it's just 4 hours per week, so that you can continue to "do good" and feel happy about that, and just sink your 40 hours per week into one of those other fields that you mentioned to pull in the steadier paycheck?

If that thought is not pallatable to you (i.e. you feel like you are selling out), keep in mind what Eve says about you not signing your life away by accepting this job. You can quit when you need to. Molly, I don't know how old you are, but I notice that people who are in their late thirties and older seem to show more loyalty to an employer, whereas the 20-somethings are more apt to leave a job for a shining opportunity. Something to chew on.

What is your gut telling you?

January 11, 2001
1:14 pm
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Molly
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My gut tells me that some sort of fear is holding me back from a leap of faith in my self. Like holding on to this is like holding on to a bad marriage, secure, but going no where that I really want to be. The part time thing I am sure would be possible, however, the hours would be like 5:30 am to 10 am, and I am sure the benifits would be revoked, as I would be considered part time, and the benifits are what makes it worth the low pay for the time. If I could work hours where I didn't have to get up at 3:30 in the morning I doubt if my confusion would be as great. I have till Tuesday to ponder, and will use the time wisely. Thanks for the suggestions.

January 11, 2001
8:26 pm
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janes
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Boy Molly do I ever agree with you last post on that...

The adult part of me says take it while you look for what you want...then live your dream when you find the right job.

We should just fly with ours dreams eh...but now there's the rent or house payment, phone bill and old age is just not as far away as it once was.

You'll make the right decision for you. And if it isn't exactly the right one you will learn from it and go on.

that's life.

I'll be thinking of you.

Love you

janes-

January 12, 2001
12:44 pm
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Molly
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Thanks Janes, well as the news has indicated the warm weather is gone, the dogs neurotic with the continus rain, the streets are flodded, and it is so cold. My microwave died, and I feel as lost as if the car was gone. Strange how we become so dependent on stuff. Mud is my latest enemy,along with all of this snot, can't believe the human body can create so much of it, every one has told me this stuff lasts for weeks, not a good presence for job hunting, ha ha , so I guess considering these trivial complaints life is good.

January 29, 2001
8:38 pm
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Molly
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ok, so the corporation is not supporting my self inflated value. But common, no one could support them selves on what they are offering me, including 3 more months of no benifits. I know the hours kick my butt, but a bird in hand worth 2 in bush? The clients are dependent, and fearful, they know I am on the edge, and it does effect the sessions, even with the 2 weeks that the girl I replaced that did get fired, the clients took a tail spin, ok not all of them but a few that I had relationships with before my move. So is this co-dependency or responsiblity? Or their opportunity to act out? I met with a broker that I would consider working with, and she agrees with my concept that part time does not cut it, and on top of that, sold 5 houses this weekend, including the family that lives next door to me. I am torn, not so much on finances, the clinic does not promise much more than lunch and gas money. I can't even get paid for private practice from these people because they don't have the money, and I can't accept Medi-Cal. The clincic doctor is supportive, and wants me to stay, and has suggested that I try to set up other physicians in private methadone dispensing, which is something that is appealing to me, and could do part time with the other full time, but it is hard, and I am just so stuck, or is it fear, and or lazyness???

January 30, 2001
2:37 am
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lost soul
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Hi Molly,

Just to let you know that I have been here ( to read your thread )

Not very good at giving advises but hope you will have a good offer in the near future.

My thoughts are with you at this moment 🙂

January 30, 2001
7:47 am
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janes
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Hey...It's probly fear and lazyness.
Setting up another practice sounds like a lot of work...
I'm sure the current clinic doc is supportive since they are only giving you lunch and gas (is the gas from the lunch?)

Codependency or responsibility? hmmm? Are you usurping thier responsibility? If so then I'd say it's codep...but I think you would know more than I. Acting out...or punishing you cuz you weren't there for a while?

Hey...if the $$$$ is okay for now with selling houses and you like the therapy work...stay at what you are at until the better one comes along.

Are you heathy enough to handle the next 3 months. Is there a short term policy you could get?

If you're like me you know you are worth much more but misplace loyalty and get walked on or at least are easily under appreciated. And you rarely toot your own horn.

But then on the other hand...except for the no bennies for awhile......

I think we get caught up in the male thing of "what we make -- ($$$) indicates just how competent we are.

I don't know. I know my job is HIGHLY stressful and after 12 years I told my superintendent that my stipend for sped director really needed to be tripled..he doubled it. (we arene't talking major bucks...) but because I am also on a teaching contract benefits are there... Of course yours are coming....

What do you want to do in your heart of hearts? Not what SHOULD you want to do. What is your gut telling you?

There isnothing wrong with "lazy".

j-

January 30, 2001
6:52 pm
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Molly
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Well today, I think the right button was pushed to make me, make a choice. When presented with the compensation package, and finally firm offer on employment last Friday, I stated that I would get back to them, and avoided the directors indirect inquirey. I have just been so stuck realizing the energy that I will need to put out to create what I want, and need, as well as trying to figure out how to not abandon those that I have a moral obligation to, but my first priority is to me. Boy did that take years to get!!!!
I like to be honost, its easier to remember the truth. It truly is just my way, and often gets in my way in today's world. I had a new chart in my box this morning establishing a quota for counseling. Our reviews are to be based on the quota's being met. Now we have so many clients on Medical, and so many private pay. The private pay clients get 50 minuets a month, and the medical clients are now allowed to have 200, a month which are billed in 10 minuet units at $10.64, unless they are pregnant, and then it is more money.Most of the clients on insurance have been on programs most of their life, and require less time than the private pay, who for the most part are new in recogizing they have a problem. Mind you I stated allowed that much to be billed for counseling, but our clinic, is mandating the maximum billing, for all clients. Here is an example, there is a client who has been on Methadone since 1988, the dose is now only 5 mg, down over the years from say 80mg which was average. She is working drives a new car , owns a home, has custody of her children and is extreamly stable,she hasn't evidenced drug use in several years, despite her psychological and physical dependency on the remaining 5mg, which I wonder if she isn't selling to be honost. I know her from working with her before. It is impossible to make her stay for one hour each week the best I have been able to do is 10-20 minuets, and based on her stability and lack of issues, that is pleanty, or might effect family or job, make sense? Lets not forget that these are our tax dollars too ok. Now I must make her stay for the hour ? Or just say she was there for an hour. Fraud is what we are talking about, and I need to sleep at night with out looking over my shoulder. I guess this is the corporate medicine that everyone was warning us about. Now if you have seen them for the 200 minuets, and they have a problem, sorry, next month? And the private pay, are just out of luck too. We used to have so much more flexibility. So we have issues of integrity and character, and for the ego, they only want to pay me $11.11 per hour, while they rake in over $60. I know in my heart this is not right. So on top of the hours and low pay, I can't support this quota thing, forced counseling, and lack of counseling, all in the name of their profit.
Janes, it would be like only able to help half the kids in your class, like public and private students in the same class, and the private students, who pay higher tuition get the extra help. Or is this the way of life ? I just don't see a potential legal issue for $11.11 an hour.
The doctors support was in the way of a recommendation to private physcians in the immediate area, as well as any technical issues that may arise. A new law was recently passed that would allow dispensing of the medication with out going to a clinic setting which is a good thing.
As long as I stay at the clinic, despite financial, and moral issues, I will remain in a rut. It is depressing, and I will be sleep deprived, and no social life. I want a life. I want normal hours, I want financial recognition for my efforts, I can still do charity work. Gosh don't I sound like I am killing off the wife for the promise of the fantasy?
I went to the Real Estate office at noon today, cut out early from the clinic. Every one was nice, up beat, they all had shoes on, many clients wear slippers. It is just so different. I signed the papers, and committed to start part time, and unless I get damn weak in the knees before tommorow, will give notice to be gone by 2/16. Committment. Ugh

January 31, 2001
7:23 am
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janes
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Hi M-

So you are going with the realestate right (I am brain dead today)

You can volunteer still with the counseling thing.

Sounds great to me.

Now..you may be able to work through a Dr. in your area to do the private thing.Right?

And you get your life back right?

"committment ug" which one?

xxoo j-

(I think it's the way of the world and those of us with ethics need to stick by them and not give in-if they need moral weaklings there are plenty to be found.)

January 31, 2001
12:59 pm
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Cici
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Molly -

My sponsor at the forensic hospital said he wants to quit and become an electrician. He said he's tired of getting too little money for so much investment. It's hard, I realize, now that I see the actual working world. It's no longer about helping people. You have administration duties, attention to insurance crap, complexities that take your emotional reserves and pateints that suck up your emotional reserves. It a hard thing to do, especially if you can empathize with our patients. You don't want to end up a bitter paper-shuffler who sleep-walks through sessions and stops caring, and this profession can do exactly that to you.

My Mom was talking to me about that yesterday. She was in mental health in nursing and she was so troubled by what she ahd to deal with in terms of buraucracy and stuff that she just had to get out.

I see that myself, even now. I've been assigned to deal with a handful of higher-functioning residents because one of the counselors is out sick for several weeks. I had read about Borderline Personality Disorder, but never seen it or realized that it is so difficult to even make any headway at all.

Anyway, good for you. You need this. Go for it and don't look back.

January 31, 2001
8:03 pm
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Molly
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Thanks so much, I know I have spent to much time alone in my head with this, and the mental masturbation was getting to me. It is just so hard, to know what the right thing to do is in dealing with the patients, and the friggin games, sorta makes you want to stay and do damage control. But that is where my thoughts of co-dependency came in, doing more for them, than for me. So I am going to do for me so that I can ethically do for others.
Cici, my recommendation to you would be to go ahead and finish up the education, it is facinating, and with some of the efforts in science when the two fields blend wow. But I would get the license, and work from home, or sub-let a space, and do Cici's brand of therapy. Until your ready to move on, it would also allow you to be a stay at home mom, when and if the time comes. I have a feeling with the evolution of managed medicine, there will be those who can PAY for medical, and psychological treatment, and those who get insurance type care, does that make sense? I am just so sick and tired of money being the agenda of things in unexpected relms, the drug war is such a scam.
I told our Doctor, which was difficult, and he was supportive. Now to give notice, we were in a seminar today on Hep C, what a nasty mess. But I am feeling better about my decision, any body wanna buy a house, just kidding.
Lost Soul, love to you too, sorry I didn't acknowledge you yesterday, head up butt. How are you??????????? Speaking of life changes and pondering????

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