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Life after Love
September 11, 2000
11:42 pm
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LC
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I met a handsome young man at a restaurant and we hit it off like soulmates. He practically moved in with me for the summer. Well, it was time for me to go back to school, and he told me he had to absolutely move up there. I had no influence over the decision, I didn't really care either way. Well things progressed in our relationship, until I noticed some lying. I am a goddess of perception (or so I thought) and find out everything about everything. I don't even have to look. Anyway, little fights were soon forgotten, next thing he wants to get engaged. That christmas we were engaged. Sounds like a young girl's dream right? Wrong. So I eventually found pornographic material under his bed (I was looking for the dogs playtoy, if I could of had the choice to see that I wouldn't!!!),random calls on his cell phone (he leant it to me one day) , and finally to top the cake off, found out he did drugs one night because we were in an argument (ecstacy, marijuana)
There has been more, but I can't go on and on. Well, I broke off the engagement, took him back as a boyfriend shortly after, my parents refused to talk to me, risking everything for him. Eventually, things settled down and we were planning a life together again. Now 4 months later, after he moved home and I graduated he decides HE wants to slow things down. I then gave him an ultimatum- either me or home alone (with mommy and Daddy. I will however take some fault with my controlling behavior, and tendancy to nag, but I do not understand his turnaround behavior. I have asked him if his feelings have changed and he adamently replies, "NO". He also does keep in touch and see me whenever is possible, but this last fight made it really clear to me I need help in deciding what to do. I love him immensely (obviously if I almost married him) I've had other loves before, so I do know what it is. I am under the stress of finding a job and he is not helping the situation. I need advice from others to see what I should do, how I should behave towards him, and just general thoughts from people who have experienced similar situations.

thank you, LC

September 12, 2000
1:41 pm
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Molly
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Focus on you, you mention controlling , but isn't he. Doesn't sound like love honor or cherish, through the dating or the engagement, so like you think it will magically get better when you say I do? Look at the picture now, it will get worse when married. This guy sounds like a sneak, who needs that? He has lied, so where is the trust? He is inconsistant, he is not done playing, or finished growing up. I don't hear partner ship, and that is the most important aspect of the relationship. The phone calls on the cell sound like cheating too. Like move in with mom and dad, cut this guy loose and get of the emotional rollar coaster, get a job, get your head together, and meet some one else. I have found the love that makes your heart pitter pat, and palms sweat is a high that is incomparable except to substance abuse, and just as dangerous, for marriage, you need trust, communication, honesty, consideration, respect, committment, loyalty, dependability, and common moral values, I don't think this guy has it. Sorry cut your losses, mend your heart and listen to mom and dad. It hurts, but it will hurt less now than with a mortgage and 2 kids when he gets busted for drugs, or constantly with the porno. Think strong.

September 13, 2000
6:22 pm
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Tina
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Hiya,
Molly's right....Gosh molly I wish i could also take a leaf out of your book...how easy it is to give advice, but when it comes to taking it, its another ball game....

Unless the feelings come from within you, and unless you feel that anger and anguish from within inside, it won't happen, u won't leave him....i know i've been there, and he can be mean and treat u like shit, and people will tell u to leave, and it'll go round and round in circles, but unless you get that strength from within you, it can't happen....

I know this cos i'm in a similar situation to you girl, I need to get out of this damn relationship i'm in, yet i'm kinda addicted to it...its a sprial...and i'm trying to focus on things like self help books, communicating with other women, doing exercise, going out, meeting other people, but it is hard...and to do this, you need strength and courage....

Go for it girl, i know its easy for others to sit there and give advice, but no one else can decide apart from you....

My heart goes out to you...hope you make the right decision...

If you need a chat, feel free to reply.

September 13, 2000
8:04 pm
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Molly
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Tina, please don't confuse me with some one who has it together!! that is why I am sitting on the puter again, contemplating, while seeing the mistakes I have made that others have been, or are currently contemplating. for some reason, God has chosen me to experience lots of different things, I made a choice, and have survived the consequences. Its easy to sit here and type life instructions, after the been there and done that. Not all of my choices for the last 12 years have been the right ones, and it is strange, I would have to say that up to that point I did ok. Like right now Cutie 14 is deeply disturbing me. She like so many women has gotten involved in relational issues way to young, and thus her choices are limited, and due to the fact that she is 14 she thinks she has it under controll. I need to make some pretty strong committments soon, and it is hard. do we just focus on ourselves, with out considration to what we have allready committed to? do we reach for the stars with out concearn for the some what comfort with cost zone that we are now in? Only we can make our choices, when we are ready to make them, I have ignored my share of good advice, but I do know that once we hear something we can't unhear it, so if I say or write something that my come in handy some day, I will have returned all that has been given to me. Who knows, no one said it was going to be easy

September 13, 2000
9:33 pm
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LC
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Both of you are equally right! I am exactly where Tina is right now. I have started dieting, exercising, and currently on interviews now. I hate to sound like a needy person, but when I can feel comfortable without him, I Will leave. It is just getting to that point is the trouble. Molly- he hasn't cheated, the cell phone calls were related to possible drug dealing (don't get me wrong, this is no better). Update: he is now calling nonstop claiming he made a mistake about slowing things down and doesn't want me to astray. I know better than that though, if something comes along better, I won't refuse it and that is the chance he took with me. I know what I should do, but it has been good getting advice on the topic to help me along my way. Tina- I completely sympathize, we are in our pathetic lives simply "spiraling" downwards! We need to take control!

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