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Lied about my addiction and lost her maybe?
April 17, 2007
11:32 pm
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flow
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September 29, 2010
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As the story goes, I meet my soul mate again after 22 years apart. We dated back then for awhile but I was too young and out of control. 17 months ago we meet again. the first 3 months were great. But then the addiction part came up. She couldn`t and would not allow this to be part of her life.(smoking herb)So I said I would quit,which I thought I could on my own. Boy was I wrong. I quit for awhile but then started to lie to her about it and tried to hide it.
She always seemed to know when I was lying. It went this way for awhile until she had had enough and moved out. Most of her things are still in the house until she gets her own place at the end of the month.
Which makes me believe she doesnt want this either. Which she has said herself. Also why would we continue to talk for hours sometimes every day if she was really done with this? Neither of us want this but I gave her no choice. I have since gone into drug counseling 3 times a week, and a private counselor once a week going on 30 days clean. She says she does love me. And I love her more than myself. (another problem) The TRUST issue is the big problem now. Can I every get that trust back? She is still so angry with me and I dont blame her. She`s not even sure if she can trust me again at this point. Both of my counselors tell me to just concentrate on myself right now. This is tough, Its getting better but she is always on my mind.
I beat myself up about this all the time.
We have aggreed to give it 3 months and then maybe go out on a date and see what happens. I just dont know what to do. I am getting better and have admitted that I am powerless when it came to smoking. I am doing this for myself because I cannot continue to live my life like this. The fact remains that I meet the woman of my dreams and screwed it up because of my addiction. I know I am doing the right thing for myself, but do I just let her go again and move on? I really do love her and neither one of us can imagine anyone else in our lives. Maybe I am wanting too much to soon.

It my first time posting here but I have been reading alot. Learning more and more about myself every day.

April 24, 2007
8:29 am
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thedogsmom
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Flow,
First let me congratulate you on taking the steps necessary to stop your addiction. You are on the road to recovery and I know this can't be easy for you! CONGRATS.

You are wanting TOO much TOO soon. I totally understand your girlfriends feelings on this one as I too am in love with an addict who continually lies and hides things. It is the LIES ...DECIET and MORE LIES that have destroyed the trust in this relationship. Trust is a hard thing to gain back- if you are lied to enough times. We all know the story of Peter who cried WOLF too many times.

IF you truly love her as you say you do--then you need to respect her wishes to give her that three month break she is requesting. This is the only way she can get over the ANGER and RAGE bottled up inside of her.
IF love is there the ANGER will pass.

Trust is a WHOLE different story however. After many years of LIES- it may not be possible to regain the trust. Some people CAN and are able to trust again. Others cannot regain it. The only way TRUST can return if you keep true to your word. In other words- HOW Can she trust you-- IF you are still hiding truths from her. IF you have a relapse- which surely can happen-- your best bet is NOT to HIDE it-- but to be TRULY an OPEN BOOK about it to her! EVEN if she says things like "IF YOU EVER SMOKE POT AGAIN-- I WILL LEAVE YOU". Rebuilding trust takes TIME and takes HONESTY and PATIENCE! You will need to have MUCH patience with her NOT trusting you--even when you are telling her the truth. Most importantly ACTIONS speak louder than words-- when it comes to trust.

So my best advice- coming from someone who TRULY wants MY partner to do these things---is to first give her the 'space' that you promised her. SO she can start taking care of her-- and you can start taking care of you.

I know it is hard and scary to let go of the ties with her as you are afraid- maybe she will move on without you. You brought her this pain and grief, however and you need to be a real man and let her go for now while you are in the process of taking the steps to quit your addiction.

Perhaps, in the meantime-- you can keep a journal and write to her in the journal. (don't tell her about it- give her space) and then when and if she decides to have that date with you- you can share your journal and feelings with her. Most importantly BE OPEN and HONEST. Trust will NEVER return without TRUTH.
Best wishes to you
TDM

April 24, 2007
9:15 am
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lonely and addicted
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I have to agree with the fact that you need to take care of yourself first. (not so easy) We all have addiction somewhere, I obsess just like you are, Remember though that if she does love you, she will be back, work on yourself and she will see the change.

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