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Liars
July 31, 2005
2:28 pm
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SassyAlex
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Why do people lie in relationships? I can at least understand why addicts lie so much, it is part of the addiction, but why do non addicts lie? I have caught all of my serious boyfriends in lies, destroying my trust and the relationship.

I did some research and came up with the fact that people lie to avoid anger and judgement, and the people who lie to avoid this are not strong enough to deal with the consequences the truth sometimes brings. I have always been truthful about my past and everything, even though I know it might make them upset, just because I'd rather get things out in the open and work through them, building a strong honest relationship, rather than knowing it's built on lies.

I guess it's true. These men have not been strong enough people to be truthful with me. Maybe the question should not be, why do people lie, but Why do people have such little inner strength?

July 31, 2005
2:36 pm
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exoticflower
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Well, I know when I lie, or when I catch others in lies it is usually a matter of pride or fear. My ex used to lie when the truth would paint him in a negative light...even if it was a negative REAL light, he would rather live a lie where he is adored than a truth which includes taking responsability for himself. And I lie out of fear when I lie, once someone sent an e-mail reveiling some irresponsible and dangerous behavior on my part and i lied and said that I sent the e-mail to hurt the receiver from the other persons address becasue I was scared of the truth of my actions and again, of having to face up to them myself. Not that this is how I live, it is just an instance I bcan dig up that illustrates exactly what I am thinking about lies...they are to preserve a false image of oneself that they want to cling to, or becasue they are scared of the truth, I think.

July 31, 2005
2:50 pm
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SassyAlex
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I also found through reading up on this topic that people also lie because if they own up to a particular behavior, they might actually have to take a look at their undesirable behavior and not feel comfortable, forcing them to make changes.

July 31, 2005
3:12 pm
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duckiebobette
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Flower I agree! That just made me feel better about the lie my ex told me. He told me that he can't be with me for another 6 months, and I told him that I'm his friend but I can't promise I'll be around for another half of a year, so he got mad and called me a ball buster, and said "Have a nice Life"

So I called him on it a week ago as well as calling it off for good, and he denied it, he said that he meant he can't be my friend for another six months not my bf again, just to make me look stupid after I rejected his plan.

So I said that its his bad for not being clear, and thats not what he said.... And I said when I say to leave me alone I mean it... and to understand that he doesnt fit well into my life....

So he said "okay bye bye."

Mind you this guy is an alcohlic (& I heard from his sister in law that he is also on drugs again). The truth for a person like that is horrifying SassyAlex. It strips the paint from the picture they are trying to paint.... it breaks them down and makes them actually take a glimps at the reall picture. But, addiction or not; I agree with Exotic Flower that lying is the paint that hides the truth, but if you look hard enough.... you'll see there's something behind it. Something very sad.

To maintain a healthy life requires not to settle for less.... And to surround yourself in a healthy, happy environment.

Habitual liars grow slowing if they even grow at all.

-DB

Best wishes to you.

July 31, 2005
3:51 pm
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donna25
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I think some people lie because they in fact are trying to spare nd your feelings out of fear the truth would hurt too much.

July 31, 2005
8:16 pm
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SanJoe
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I can tell you why I lie in relationships. It is to avoid feeling. My father was an alcoholic and whenever I did something wrong or misbehaved as a kid he would kick the crap out of me or rage in anger. As a result, I would lie as a kid to hide from his anger. I knew that if I would tell the truth, I would get anger and rage. If I lied, there would be a small chance of not being caught and I would be able to save my ass. As I got older, I would use this strategy to avoid uncomfortable feelings, since the same logic would apply. It got so bad, that I would do it at work under situations that were work based. Someone may not get mad or upset so I would save myself.
I did fix this in my work situation and don't feel compelled to lie under those situations.
The lying strategy is short sided and errodes trust in relationships. I can tell you it gets worse depending on who I am with in a relationship. My ex-wife exhibited the same rage as my father. So, I would lie continuously in that relationship. Not only to her, but to myself. I wanted to avoid the conflict just like I did when I was a kid, or avoid the consequence of her rage. This is subtle, because I at times would lie about lying saying that I was doing it to make sure she didn't feel bad. In actuality, I was doing it to avoid my own feelings if I got her mad. When caught, I would go on autopilot and start to bargin, deny anything to avoid the feelings. It wasn't good. I even was married even though I knew it wasn't something that was right. Eventually, the relationship failed and I left and got divorced. I had to do it in another way. I filed papers and would reconcile, then taking the next step. I finally accepted a job outside the country to escape and now admit I have a problem. I don't want to have another bad relationship like this in my life. Now, I am working on myself to prevent this behavior. I know that it is difficult to understand if you grew up in a nice caring home, but imagine as a child the fear of having to tell your parent something and knowing the wrong answer would get the shit kicked out of you. This doesn't mean that it should be accepted. It is wrong. It should give you some insight. Hope this helps in understanding this behavior.

July 31, 2005
8:30 pm
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lollipop3
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My boyfriend, while drinking, had a tendency to lie. Some of them were pretty ridiculous and some of them were very big (ie. affecting others). As time went on I began to realize that most of his lies were to make himself seem....more important some how. He lied about owning more than what he had, that he made more money than he made, that he traveled more than he did. It was obvious to me that he was very insecure and felt that people would not accept him for who he really was. He also lied if he thought the truth would get him rejected in any way. Another huge sign of insecurity. Then he would lie to cover the lies.

However, in the past year, since he's stopped drinking, that has changed. All the lies came to the forefront and some of them almost destroyed our relationship.

For the past few months I believe he has been very open and honest with me. Something that I know is very difficult and frightening for him. We are working on re-building the trust that was broken between us. It hasn't been perfect but I certainly give him credit for trying.

Lolli

August 1, 2005
11:09 am
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donna25
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honesty is always the best policy...When ever it has ended with someone I have been dating Ialways feel like I'm not getting the real reason..the guy before my last said .

"although I have enjoyed being with you, in all fairness I could never give you the attention that you deserve at this point in my life.

the guy I just ended it with said... "Its not that your not the girl for me but the fact I'm not the right guy for you" and " You deserve much more then I can offer you at this time" and "I thought I was ready but I no know that I need to get my life in order before I can share it with anyone else"

So my question is..are these lines to save my feelings or was I just their type and this was easier for them...I would rather hear the truth...granted with the first guy we only went out 4 times but the second guy was 2 mons...and he was super into me the first couple of weeks..after that he said he didn't want to rush into anything...understood...but why end it? If you were really into someone wouldn't you try to make it work on some level or are mean really that differnt...I can understand the not wanting to get into the relation ship bit...but if you have already met someone regardles of bad timing wouldn't you try? women would no?

this is why it sounds like a line to me...

August 1, 2005
11:11 am
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donna25
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in my last paragraph above I ment to say "was I just NOT their type.

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