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letting to of unnecessary worries in my head
April 23, 2007
11:42 am
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courage to change
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Hi

Very tired today. Been working, had day off with boyfriend yesterday. Very pleasant, felt very at peace with him. But to be honest ive got the breaks on and am trying so hard to go slowly. At present im working quite a lot and only get to see him on the weekends. This enables me to do my own thing during the week, which for me is important. But lately when im with him, he makes some comment on how little time we spend together. I personally dont have a problem with this. Infact it suits me completely - my own space. But my real fear, that causes me not to sleep, and feel anxious is I m frightened, that by having these boundaries I will loose him and he will find someone else that meets his needs. The truth is im not prepared to loose me in trying to fulfil his needs. Wow, very difficult, but it feels right to have these boundaries. Long are the days when I give my whole soul to a man. Ive been there and done it and it did not work then , so it definitely wont work now. How do I stop being effected by his comments. I mean he is allowed to express how he feels isnt he? ? ? This new behaviour can cause anxiety also cant it ? ? ? Its actually really stupid cause, in the past I really did not have a problem being single, in fact I actually enjoy being a free spirit. Ive been dating him 2 months x

April 23, 2007
3:24 pm
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ncmother
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Hello! Yes, he is allowed to feel the way he does. But, I think you are doing the right thing to set the boundaries. When he makes another comment then ask him if he has a problem with the time spent with you and then I'd suggest to tell him you are comfortable with that amount of time for now. I would also ask him to please respect you on this. I hope I have helped some. Oh, and if you loose him, in my opinion, you havn't lost much!

ncmother

April 23, 2007
3:43 pm
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fantas
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Courage to change,
Good for you for making boundaries and sticking to them. ncmother is right, he needs to respect your boundaries or express himself in healthy, respectful and not guilt inducing. I suppose this is a good to in your relationship to see whether or not he can respect you, express himself, and allow you to be yourself. Keep on keeping on!

April 23, 2007
3:57 pm
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courage to change
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Thank you both so much.

You are both right I need to take back my power and communicate this with him, and also have a boundary with what he is saying to me. I need him to accept me as I am, or communicate whats going on with him feelings wise. Do men do this????

Im too nice and pleaseing with others, and always think its me. Ive noticed that when im with a man i like - I change, and accommodate myself to their needs. Well Im going to have to remember my needs this time. Ooh its all so difficult. Hey but at least im aware!

Thats why im going slowly, to keep an eye on how I am in this relationship, not so much him.

Will see him next w.e. and try and have a few boundaries around him this time.

Keep you posted.

And once again, thanks you both very much. x

April 23, 2007
5:15 pm
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nappy
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Courage, you is doing the right thing with yourself. Don't give up your boundaries because if you do then you will give ALL OF YOURSELF to this man.

After me an my ex broke up, we tried to give it one more try but he wanted to take up all of my time and I just wasn't going for it. Either I see you on the weekend but not on any other day. We were only dating, this was not my husband and we weren't living together. Then I realize that I didn't want to see him monday thru friday nor saturday or sunday (smile)

I have a problem when a person make demands on me and my time.

Don't let him make you feel bad because you have boundaries. Stick with them and you will feel good about yourself.
Nappy

April 23, 2007
8:15 pm
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soprano2
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Seems like you have sound boundaries, so don't let them go. If he can't understand them, then there is something wrong with the relationship fundamentally, and you are actually saving time finding out.

I have been told that when someone is starting to overstep my boundaries, I should say this:

"Is there something in my tone of voice or something in my posture that leads you to believe that I do not mean business?"

So everytime my husband is overstepping his boundaries (which is every time he talks to me right now) I have learned to say this. He absolutely hates it when I say it, but it shuts him down, and he has stopped arguing back.

A slimmed down version actually worked on my 4 year old son too.

Felt kind of nice to calmly be in control.

Hope you continue to keep your boundaries. Let us know what happens.

April 27, 2007
10:37 am
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HI:
I think keeping bounderies is important especially because the relationship is too NEWWW!! But if you keep these bounderies for years its going to affect you because it will be harder to let go when the time comes and he will feel like he is only getting part of you. For now its a good disicion!! Keep it up until its time to let go and make him part of your life!!
Soledad (bounderies are good, but cant be too strict)

April 27, 2007
4:45 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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boundaries are what keeps us happy in relationship. Know what those are has been really difficult to for me and i am still working on them however i am glad for the ones I've set and fought for because I am happier in my relationship now.

April 27, 2007
5:47 pm
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courage to change
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Its so nice to get some feedback, from everyone thank you. Ive only been on this site about two week, so its all very new for me. But I so appreciate the feedback. Its very easy to think you are the only one living the life you do. I am strict on my boundaries, at the mo, but to be honest time will tell how my relationship goes. Is this normal, during the week - I dont obsess about him, Im so enthusiastic about my own life and what Ive got going on. I do think about him a little, and feel fondness, but I dont yearn for him. Its really bizaar. All my old relationships I would wait by the mobile phone, and be distressed if I did not have contact. But this time round I actually dont care, about all the drama. I dont have the energy for it anymore. My health and my job and hobbies are just so much more important. I care about him, and am looking forward to the week end with him, but thats it. No dramatic stuff. I am hoping I can still look after myself with my boundaries, cause that the real tester for me at the moment. Thanks once again for all the feedback, I really appreciate it.
x

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