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letting myself be manipulated--any advice?? (gofigure)
May 19, 2006
4:08 pm
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gofigure
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Why do I keep letting myself be manipulated?? I am making myself sick over this and I feel as though I’m too weak to do what’s right for me instead of what will make HIM feel better. My eventual ex-h has asked me to spend an evening with him this weekend and when he first asked me I said maybe, I don’t know. I know I should have just said no right up front, but I still dread his reactions and I also feel sorry for him and responsible for his feelings. I know his feelings are his responsibility, I know this in my head, but I haven’t been able to “know” this in my actions. Anyway, he asked me again last night about this weekend and I told him again that I didn’t know, but if I did come over I didn’t want it to involve taking off clothes. He got irritated, telling me this would be the last time and he would really like to spend some time with me and how he’s so depressed and this would really help him be able to breathe easier etc. etc.

For as far as I feel I’ve come—separating from him and trying my best to set boundaries, I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS!!! I know how I “should” handle it (which is do what is right for ME), but in practice I can never get beyond doing what is expected or wanted of me where he is concerned. To top it off he looks terrible--he has lost so much weight (stress he says) and is always down and just looks like the life has gone out of him. I want to know how I can stop feeling so responsible for his well-being. The guilt is overwhelming to me and no matter what I do I feel sick for different reasons.

want to run and hide.

~go

May 19, 2006
4:28 pm
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CAMER
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AHHHH, i know these feelings too well, yep, feeling sorry for the man, but what about YOU!!!!! just say NO, its easy, I had to do this b4 and felt great after i kept saying "NO" a few times...it feels challenging, and you are being up front and honest.
Don't do things by saying yes, to keep him happy, say NO to keep YOU happy.....try it out, and it does get easier with one simple word N O
good luck, and he will survive, this is his life and he is responsible for it.
(((camer)))

May 19, 2006
4:39 pm
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taj64
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Go - you know what to do on this one. First if you are separated, i know in my state if you spend the night with the ex then you start all over with the separation time. Please do not feel sorry for him and think about yourself. He will get through this on his own and let him recover from his own personal issues just as you have and a lot of us here. Think about that. Think about times when you felt the way he does now, where was he then? Was he supportive? I think he is being manipulative but he will get used to the idea if you let him. Let him grow up and let yourself be rid of guilt because I just said it to someone else that guilt is useless emotion. Does no good to feel guilty right? You cannot do anything with that feeling.

May 19, 2006
4:40 pm
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gofigure
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Thank you Camer--HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN LIFE AND HAPPINESS.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Practice makes perfect.

And I DO deserve to be happy.

Thank you. (((())))

May 19, 2006
4:44 pm
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gofigure
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You're right taj--I've said it often myself--guilt is a useless emotion, especially this kind of guilt. Guess I'm just having a hard time, having spent the last 12 years feeling responsible for his moods and feelings, letting go of that pseudo-power. I never had it and I never will.

((((()))))

Thank you taj,

~go

May 19, 2006
4:50 pm
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taj64
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yeah if you get mad, you can punch a pillow. If you get hurt, you can cry a river. If you feel happy, you can dance around but guilt, what do you do with that, you get plain ole stuck and it sits and also makes you sick like you said. of course is hard when you think about 12 years but time to think about quality years ahead instead of a mountain of years behind you. I think it is natural to feel guilty, and ok, but don't let it stick to you that is all...hang in there.

May 19, 2006
5:28 pm
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codep
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It sounds like you know what to do in this situation. Do whats right for YOU whats comfortable for YOU what make YOU happy. He is feeling sorry for himself and trying to make you feel responsible for it. He is grown, an adult and just as you have had to fight your battles he needs to do the same for himself. Nobody can save you from your own pain and unhappiness but YOU! Goodluck were here for ya (((hugs)))

May 19, 2006
6:31 pm
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suchi
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I would really suggest "PRACTICE" in front of the mirror or over the phone by yourself and you'll be able to say "NO"....once you are done DO NOT FORGET TO CONGRATULATE YOURSELF!!!! I mean it. All the best....Just do it...

May 20, 2006
11:37 am
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Rasputin
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Gofigure - I know the feeling when you are manipulated by loved ones and you give in thinking that you're being loving and nurturing. I've done that b4 when I was a weak person/very codep then.

I would suggest you do some soulsearching, go on spiritual retreat, spend some time alone with yourself in order to come to terms with "Why" you do that kind of thing. "No smoke without fire." Read the book "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie, it will help you dig deep into these codep traits we all have and get understanding, wisdom and healing.

When you learn to love yourself, it will empower you and make you stand up for yourself and be responsible for your own happiness w/o rescuing others.

Blessings, Ras~

May 20, 2006
12:43 pm
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Anonymous
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I agree with everyone here, gofigure.

Yes it can be difficult to put your needs above the needs of others even when you should.

It can be difficult to put the energy it takes to rescue someone else into rescueing you. Yet, you deserve it as much as they do.

I'm learning this very lesson with practice. As much as I would like to say that i've nailed it, I do find myself back sliding from time to time.

You seem to have a good sense of what's right for you in this situation. I would just say, be gentle with yourself because it's a hard lesson to learn. And above all, keep practicing.

May 20, 2006
1:26 pm
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smarterone
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I dont remember the whole situation but if it is a separation from eachother you want, why rekindle old feelings, if any??? You have gotten this far, i believe once you give in, its over. Do you want to be with him, doesnt sound like you dont.

May 22, 2006
11:33 am
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gofigure
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Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement--I don't have internet at home so I had to wait to read/reply until I got to work this morning. The result this weekend was a combination of each of our wants--not perfect, but progress. HOWEVER, I did tell him I want to file papers which is something I've avoided talking with him about because I feared his reaction and the total depression he would fall into. I am trying to line up my brain and my heart because they keep confusing each other--that old guilt versus what is right and good for me.

Thanks again--you are all more precious than I can say. ((((((()))))))

~go

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