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Letting It Go
November 25, 2001
4:16 pm
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C-Bear
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This is hard for me to write because my mother has tried so hard to help my siblings & I develop good morals. And for the most part I have, there is only one problem and I know it hurts her to see me like this. Whenever somebody does something to me, I can never let it go. It eats me up until I enact some type of revenge against them. My mother has gotten on me several times for being this way and it just doesn't help. I have been hurt I feel far too much to be able to let anything go. And I know it hurts her to see me this way, and knowing that she is already stressed out most of the time with work, I don't wanna put this added burden on her, worrying about me. How then do I go about letting things go that people have done to me?

November 25, 2001
5:07 pm
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gg40
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Hi C-Bear. I am wrestling with this myself. I am angry at someone for something I made the choice to get into. I can usually let things go pretty easily, this one has been a challenge. Here are some great words from a Greek philosopher (Epictetus) to get you started: "Men are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them." Its all in how you choose to look at a percieved injustice or slight. Write your hurts down and see if they are justifiable or not. Either way, you can choose to which way to go in handling them. It seems as though it is not only hurting you to hold onto the resentments but your mother as well. The person that you are holding this revenge against is probably quite dumbfounded. Sometimes people can be insensitive, and maybe you should try to talk about it with them.
Thats my .02
gg

November 25, 2001
10:13 pm
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deshong
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It sounds like you are letting people control you and you are obsessing about them. When you are paying that much attention to someone else and what they do or did, there could be areas of your life that you are not addressing or caring for.

Your self esteem should not be wrapped up in others. Do not give anyone that much power over you or turn you into someone you do not want to be, vindictive.

November 26, 2001
8:56 am
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wallace
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You can't control how people act towards you, but you can control how you respond to it. You have two options. Either chose to react negatively to it, seek revenge, obsess about it and thus loose valuable time and energy from your life on it, or chose not to let it take on any importance with you and realise that what they have done to you is a figment of their insecurities that you have no time for. If you choose the 1st path, they have won twice. Once in that they have made you take note of them, twice in that you are spending time & energy on them long past the event when they have probably forgotten. If someone has slighted you, think of what a complement you are paying them by spending so much time on them. The biggest insult is to be indifferent to them.

November 26, 2001
10:26 am
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deshong
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Amen Wallace.

November 26, 2001
2:07 pm
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C-Bear
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You are all correct, thanks. I SHOULD feel that way, but the trouble comes when I obsessively hold onto what's been bugging me. I have forgivven a few people who have done me wrong, but that was only after they went to extreme lengths 2 prove 2 me they were sorry. There is no reason for that šŸ™ I think it'll be helpful if I give you all some history on me. Tormented by classmates & bullies from 1st grade until 11th. It is not a very good feeling. To make thing even worse, a lot of that teasing from 1st to 7th grade came from my own brother & sister. Sure some people have told me that they were sorry over the years. But I believed them & forgave them & they went back & did 2 me what they promised they would never do again. So now, it's hard 4 me 2 let things go. I know it's unhealthy & it's letting them havepower, but what can I do? You all are right I shouldn't give them the time of day, but I just can't seem to get started going in the right direction. I think the biggest thing that I have still not gotten over, was my friends from college. There were 5 of us & they were all abusive 2 me, but I took it b/c they were I felt all I had. Sure they'd call me names, tell me how inadequate I was, and abuse me in other ways I'd rather not mention, but if any1 else ever messed w/ me, they were quick to beat up those people. It took me 1 1/2 years to realize that they were brainwashing me. Basically telling me, I can't handle my own problems & that they could abuse me as they wished and no1 else better dare. Anyway, I got so down & depressed that I just ended up walking out of the group & searching instead 4 my own identity. This wasn't cool to them & the all shunned me. Looking back, I'm glad those SOBs did because otherwise, I'd have never found myself. They were slick too with the way they abused me. They would do me wrong, by doing what I mentioned & they'd do it in front of an audience to humiliate me. Then, when we were alone, just the 5 of us, they'd tell me how I was like a brother to them, how they were my best friends, that every1 else was trying 2 use me, that they loved me like a brother & would die 4 me, etc. And me being foolish, young & far away from home, I took it. I took it & I was stupid 4 that! So, now, I have serious trust issues & that's why I'm so stubborn in letting things go. I've been in counseling 4 this problem b4 & I thought it was solved but when issues are brought back up, those negative feelings surface. Whatz up with that? How do I go about nipping this problem once & for all?

November 26, 2001
2:12 pm
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C-Bear
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Oh, something I left out, there was one incident where I took one of these "friends" into my house & he completely disrespected me, my family & even stole things out of my house! I will write more later, b/c I'm getting angry even now, just writing about these things.

November 26, 2001
7:05 pm
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deshong
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C-Bear,

Usually when us codependants finally wake up and smell the coffee, it is usually due to one last straw of a situation. Then we begin to feel all of the anger we should have felt in a million other past situations but were to needy to do so. It sounds like this is where you are now.

Start to realize that when someone unjustly does something to us you are not helpless. You have a choice to make as to how you want to respond to them. Knowing that you have options should be freeing to you in future situations.

There are some excellent web cites about codependancy. It is like being addicted to a drug. In this instance the drug is toxic, abusive, controlling and manipulative people. Don't allow yourself to still be manipulated. Now you are being controlled in the opposite extreme. See, the drug is still working. Do not despair. coming out of a life of codependancy is a process but don't give up and whatever you do never go back!! It is never worth it šŸ˜‰

November 27, 2001
10:12 am
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wallace
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BlondieNYC, That saying goes for doing good to people too. You help someone in need one day, in your hour of need, someone will be there for you. Its happened to me. Its Karma. As the Good Book says - do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

C-Bear, I know its hard for you to trust others after what has happened to you. By trusting others and letting them near, you do run the risk of getting hurt, but for every 4 or 5 rogues that walks into your life there will be 1 guenuine soul. By closing the door, you are stopping that person from ever walking into your life - what a tragedy that would be.

November 27, 2001
11:58 am
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Molly
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Since your on the edge of being there, once you get to the point where you are, your boundry lines will appear, as you develop your personal stregnth, your boundrylines will remain firmer, and the trust will come. Trusting your self is where it starts, listening to your inner voice. Sometimes we get messages that we tune out, why go figure, but it is us you, me, that define the rules of the way people treat us. After we have done the DUH game for a while we get it, and our lessons are learned. Have faith.

November 27, 2001
1:23 pm
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C-Bear
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Hey All, thanks for responding that alone has helped me go through some of this. Last night, I was watching a Christian channel & brought 2 tears by the song the lady sang (don't tell anyone though, a man ain't sypposed to cry).

The words were:

Come to the water, stand by my side

Child drink from my fountain you won't be denied.

I've seen every tear that fell from your eyes.

And I arose to tell you for your tears I died.

The words of that song I felt so powerfully, it was as God himself stepped in and said "That's enough, enough pain,enough torturing yourself over what you can't change, enough dwelling on the past, enough letting yourself be controlled by idiots." As tears rolled down my face, I fell on my knees & began praying in a way that I had never prayed in my life. Now, I am beginning to see that what the devil means for evil, the Lord takes it and turns it around for good. That doesn't mean that rain doesn't fall sometimes in my life but rather that I must look at the flowers that will grow as a result of the rain that fell. I am now working on forgiveness so I can surrender myself to God 100%, right now it seems like an uphill battle, and I don't know how I'm gonna do it but prayer changes things.

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