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Letting Go
May 31, 2000
1:30 pm
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hart
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September 29, 2010
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I really don't know where to start. My son's father and I have been involved for about three years...and have a very long and sorted history. For the past several months we have been arguing both physically and verbally. He is constantly telling me how he hates me and wants me out of his life, but yet he will come over, sleep with me, act like he cares. There is so much to tell, but it would be too long for this page. I care for him so deeply, but I just can't seem to let go. To see him happy with someone else would crush everything inside me. I love everything about him. He is constantly telling me how I need to have more self respect for myself and more self esteem. He yells at me all the time and is constantly putting me down, but when I am sick ( I recently developed a ulcer) he is always there for me. I just don't know how to let go and go on with my life. He tells me that we have no future, but then he will say I need to give him space so that he could figure out just what he wanted. All my friends hate him and would like to beat the crap out of him. What and how do I do?

June 1, 2000
6:04 am
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vositor
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September 24, 2010
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Oh hart, you know what you have to do - stop being a misery junkie. You probably would like a productive relationship. Well, you probably won't find a nice guy who'll go near you if you allow the abuser to keep coming around.

People have gotten out of that pit. Are you brave enough to call a battered women's group and see how it's done?

June 1, 2000
6:40 am
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janes
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September 24, 2010
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You are not involved in the worst buse/abuser relationship I have read about. Many women and men have accepted abuse, verbal and phys. for years.

There are relationships that can be saved. I don't know about yours. Sounds like you are both abusers and both into some very convoluted twisted relationship stuff.

The ulcer is probly partially from him......on one hand he could want to help because of guilt or bucause it gives him more control over you.

If you didn't have a child I'd stay stay and work it out.

Children learn what they live..bottom line. And even if he decides to fix the relationship with you ..(You both need professional help) it is going to take years.

Personally i think you and your son need to get out and you need to seek counseling for being both abused and an abuser. There are pay offs for you both in this relationship.

It doesn't have to stay this way..but it is totoally up to you.

I just hate to see abuse visitied on the next generation because you and this guy can't be nice to each other.

Your friends have valid points.

Noone male or female should ever accept abuse from anyone. verbal emotional or physical. Some abusers can and do change but it is a rarity.

June 1, 2000
10:26 am
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Cici
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September 24, 2010
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If you want your son to grow up to have the same relationship that you are having, then stay with this man. If you want your son to be healthy and happy and learn how to be a good man, then leave this man.

He's using you for sex. Bottom line. You're giving him sex. Change your locks, move away, stop talking to him.

June 1, 2000
2:24 pm
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heartfelt
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Again......it's a shame when small children are afraid of the dark...but it's a tragedy when grown men and women don't see the light. Abuse is not ok, not before not tomorrow and especially not today...not in any way shape or form..examine your motives..desires.intentions.....Is he worth your pain? The pain of children? Open those eyes and you'll see. Do you want to function or be in dysfunction....living or living hell.....enabling or be able?

June 1, 2000
6:13 pm
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Brenda
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September 27, 2010
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I saw your prayer request and wondered if you were in an abusive relationship and yes, again, I was right.
Dear Hart, I have been there and experienced the extreme suffering of body, mind and soul but also brought out of it healing, personal growth and amazing insight and clarity about people, life and love.
I dont get the impression you are abusing him, this is rarely the case, only when the victim has been abused for so long and pushed so far does she start to abuse back, in a big way...
because of your own unfinished childhood business, you have attracted into your life a man who reminds you of your father and mother, of the pain of being raised in your childhood home.
Until you get straight with you, you will continue to have people in your life that blow hot and cold and treat you like shit.
Until you give of the signal, and i mean an authentic signal, that you are no longer going to let anyone treat you with disrespect and abuse ( ( dont care if hes also nice, if its mixed with abuse its worse ) then abusors will be attracted to you like moths to a flame, in the form of a partner, friends, business aquaintances whatever......
Think of it as a strong signal that you give off that WILL NEVER GO AWAY until you take time to do some extreme self care, nurturing and work.
You do not have to leave him to do this, start now and DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN THE NEGATIVE ENERGY EXCHANGE OF VERBAL ABUSE OR PHYSICAL ABUSE stop it. YOu can control this.
If this man is very violent, you may need to get to a safe place to do this inner work. God bless

June 1, 2000
9:38 pm
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Spirit
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September 29, 2010
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Hart: Many have responded to your initial posting. Some have hit right between the eyes, not because they are mean spirited; rather, its because they care. A friend of mine stayed in an abusive relationship, both she and her son have many emotional and coping problems today. The anger the son has is unbelievable. Where it comes from is the idea that kids get that there moms are suppose to protect them, and protect themselves. When that doesn't happen, anger builds up, they explode, and bad stuff happens. Don't let this happen to your child. Show your child that you are both worth a hell of a lot more than to be used as whipping posts, verbally and physically. By the way, your past history isn't important. What's important is the here and now, and the future you are laying foundation for today. May you see the flaws in that foundation before the future is built upon it. Peace will be yours when you do what you KNOW is the right thing to do.

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