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Letting Go, When do you know?
October 25, 2000
10:36 am
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voz
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I need some insight into a problem with a significant other I care about very much. WE have been dating for 5yrs. and actually lived together for over a year. She moved out 8months ago and we continued to date until recently. She requested we split up and whatever happens, happens. She is not saying that we don't have a future down the road or that we are a lost cause, she just needs time to sort things out with out me. I am crushed and every day that goes by I feel I am losing a little more. Can someone please give me some advice, I don't want to lose her. Do I do as she wishes and leave her alone or what?

October 25, 2000
5:42 pm
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Voz.
A saying on a famous poster showing two sea gulls flying free in the blue sky. - "If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you, then it's yours. If it doesn't, then it never was."

October 25, 2000
5:43 pm
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Molly
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Yes, infact wait and let her come to you. Respecting her space is the best thing right now. It is hard, but keep your self busy, seek a counselor if you need to talk, or some support. Be confident that you are ok, and that it is something that she needs to do on her own, with out your influence clouding her decisions.

October 25, 2000
11:24 pm
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janes
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Worst thing to do is to bug her. It will be tough.

It doesn't sem fair but that's life.

October 26, 2000
1:12 am
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janes, if he bugs her, she'll run away more!

October 27, 2000
4:25 pm
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janes
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I agree. Hard not to bug someone you "want" but is best thing to do.

November 3, 2000
8:50 pm
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Ash
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I don't want to alarm you completely, but when your girlfriend says she needs time to figure things out, she's more than likely found other interests. If she can't or refuses to discuss this with you in more detail, I'm sorry to say but she's not being honest with you either. The 'I need to sort things out' line is always the easiest escape because for some it doesn't require much explaining. It's definitely the first sign of you not providing her with specific needs which she may have found elsewhere. For now though, allow her the space she needs.

November 19, 2000
4:49 am
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nhonst
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yes .. people do need time and space to figure things out on their own. they need to take step back from a current relationship and look at it, analyze it, understand it, before they fully understand what they want.. sometimes certain people have doubts about certain things that they dont understand.. or they are unhappy about certain things which they dont want to tell. but it think time and space helps alot.

also the phrase. "figuring things out" IS a good way of just escaping without much explanation. and i do think that both people should be responsible for eachother's feelings.. it's just not very good to break away from someone without much explanation.

November 19, 2000
9:26 am
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cerry
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Voz,

How can I say it and be kind................, Voz, Let Go.
Words can be simple sometimes, but action is the key. I have read the responses to your thread but I read the title of your thread as well.
"Letting go, When do you know? It is very hard to do Voz, I am not a therapist nor am I telling you what to do but maybe reading your thread title you already deep down inside know what you are feeling and what you should do. It is a matter of time and everyone is different in how much they can put up with. Voz, I was in your shoes years back and I did ask the same thing. It took along time for me to wake up and smell the coffee. I too was in a 5 year relationship and the same thing happened to me. I loved this person and he to needed time to get away and "rediscover" himself. He needed his space and I hung on HOPING he would come back. Don't dwell on the "what if's" "maybe's" because it will only control you and bring you down. You cannot change the way a person is feeling no matter what you do, but you can change on thing. YOU, the way you are feeling and what you can do for yourself. I can remember when I look back and the time that I wasted waiting and wondering and most of all Hurting. Yes, Voz it is true time is the healer. You must think of yourself and do for yourself. If she needed for what ever reason to leave the home after a 5 year relationship it might indicate not only was there a problem in the first place , but also the way she feels for you. Now, you say she is gone and you don't date anymore. There is another indication to me that she has made up her mind and "MAYBE", decided what she really feels and needs as in "Letting go". I agree with "Ash", I feel that your friend has other interests too. My ADVISE to you friend is LET GO when you are ready and you will know. You can only put up with so much and then one day you will realize and GO ON and LIVE!!!!
Its ok to hurt and grieve as all of us do grieve losses. You will realize when the time comes when to make that change. Listen to your inner feelings. Love yourself and give yourself time. As far as contacting her, my advise is to back away and respect her wishes. No one knows what is going on in her head and maybe it is just time that she needs , maybe not. Give her her space and do your own thing but most of important, TAKE CARE of you and yes keep busy. Its amazing how much time passes when you are busy.
Take care Voz, and best of luck

November 21, 2000
8:58 pm
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gingerleigh
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A bit of cheery lightness... If you haven't seen "The Wedding Singer", see it. It's got Adam Sandler, and it's a silly story. But the reason I bring this up is that there is a great line in it where this little dorky kid at a Bar Mitzvah is sad and telling Adam Sandler that the cute girl across the room won't dance with him because she "doesn't dance with losers"... and Adam responds back with "Well why do you want to dance with someone who doesn't want to dance with you?"

And of course the kid gets to slow dance with Drew Barrymore and squeeze her tush. Happy ending.

If you don't want to do either of those, rent "Swingers". The moral of that movie is that somehow women know when you forget about them and let go, because that's exactly when they might decide to give it another go.

Seriously, time *does* heal all wounds.

Peace.

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