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letting go of ex
January 30, 2005
8:49 am
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moongirl
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I have had trouble letting go of my ex husband. I left because of his alcoholism. Even after divorce though, we had an ongoing physical relationship. In the last month he had stopped calling me. I thought I was doing better not contacting him and putting up better boundaries, but he had really not called because he had found a new girlfriend (16 years younger than himself). The hardest part is that my ex still maintains a close friendship with my sister and her husband (and my sister and I live in the same neighborhood!) So now they spend a lot of time together. It is all so new for me, I'm trapped in this victim mode and I want to be able to put this behind me and not over-react when I see them out socializing or spending such a fun time together. I feel like someone else has taken my place, not only with my ex-- but with my sister as well.

January 30, 2005
10:41 am
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CAMER
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hi Moongirl and welcome. Until your hubby gets sober from his alcoholism he will just bring more problems with his new girlfriend, and the same thing will most like happen, the relationship will end.

How long were you and your ex married for??? Have you tried dating yet???

Think of the reason why you and your hubby got divorced and not focus on the physical part of it, trust me there is more to a relationship than sex.

Start looking out for your own well being, and loving yourself more, and I think if you focus on your worth and your love, that'll conquer any feelings of seeing your ex and someone new and even hanging out with your sister& her hubby.

Good luck.

January 31, 2005
9:13 am
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moongirl
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thank you very much for your words of support. I was with my ex a total of six years. We were married three of those years. I did leave because of all the other reasons but sex. He was not able to communicate, responsibly set boundaries for his children and I did not like the example that made for my daughter in our relationship. Beer ruled his life and his second passion in his life was coaching young girls. He was not available to his own family, but was an icon to the community. And somehow could go through 2 cases of beer in a week and still make it to his work and coaching.
I have not dated yet. I want to at some point. But I worry that I am not ready yet, if I am still repeating old codependent patterns, I don't want to continue to displace that on someone else. How do you know when you are ready to date? Thank you again, moongirl

January 31, 2005
9:35 am
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petitefour
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Hi Moongirl-
I am in the same scenario. I left an alcoholic/abuser whom I had been with for five years. There was never an issue with sex between use when I was with him OR now.

I now he is toxic to me. When we are together (dating on the weekends), he is sometimes verbally abusive. He has improved because of my boundary setting though. I will not stay and take it, I leave.

I don't when I will be ready to date others, basically because I am still drawn back to him (over and over again), even after he is mean/ugly.......even though I know his problems have not been addressed. (He refuses any help either AA or anger management) but says he wants me to move back in with him.

Friends try to fix me up with people they know, I get excited about the thought of seeing someone who will treat me better, but never go through with it. I wish I knew why, too.

P4

January 31, 2005
11:14 am
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marley
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I used to do the same thing - in fact I wa just having this coversation last night that I can't believe that I haven't gone back (physically in the past year). I think that it is absolutely necessary to sever the physical connection b/c then you are forced to deal with the actual person and you may realize that you don't like them all that much.

January 31, 2005
11:20 am
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kc30
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I am so glad to read this thread, thank you. My husband is still in the house, and the sexual tension is very strong...he made it clear last night that I was welcome to pay him a visit (he's staying in the basement)

As badly as I wanted to, I realized that I want more than one night with him, and that I would just be hurt. It's too hard to take your heart out of it. I made a list of reasons why I would resist, and woke this morning feeling very proud...like a first step in taking care of my needs.

This will be a challenge...I hope I can learn from others so that I don't let myself get swept up in something that will only hurt me in the end.

thank you...

January 31, 2005
11:34 am
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sdesigns
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My ex has invited me over for sex and I have said no. Emotionally he is dead to me. He put me thru so much that I can't imagine being that close physically to him. The emotional part will never happen again for me. And therefore- he will not get sex from me! I am more than just a place to put it. Men just don't understand the hurt they cause with this. SD

January 31, 2005
11:48 am
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marley
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There is a song by Etta James and I cant find the lyrics - but here is the general idea

You don't want me
but you don't want noboday else to want me
what kind of man what kind of man are you?

You don't need me
but you don't want anybody else to need me
What kind of thing are you trying to put me through?

If you're not gonna take care of business
stop taking up space
because you're taking up
another's man's place

February 1, 2005
7:50 pm
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moongirl
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Thank you for your comments. It has made me feel more at ease knowing that I am not the only one who has experienced something like this (the physical aspects of being with alcoholics). Currently I am in counseling and have been trying to identify and change how I talk and respond to my family and friends--without falling back into self blame, taking responsibility for others' feelings or worrying what everyone thinks about me. I feel like I have better boundaries and have been really sucessful at work. With my sister, who is also alcoholic) it has been a nightmare! When I focus on forgiving myself-- for over-reacting in the past or improving boundaries-- she responds with really hateful and shaming ways of putting me down. Is this common? Because I do not drop everything and help her on command, or because I have my own thoughts or views-- is it that intimidating? I find that the best way to handle this situation is to protect myself and not allow myself to be in a position where she'll "attack".... is that how it ends up working? You pull back and basically do not have a real trusting relationship, but a cool acceptance that this is how it is going to be until they come to grips with their drinking problem? I need some support during this transition time...

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