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LETTING FEAR GET IN THE WAY OF LOVE, I THINK?
September 5, 2006
2:45 pm
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nappy
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September 29, 2010
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This is a problems that I have but never really thought of it as a problems until I looked over the course of the last couple of years together with my ex. I shouldn't call him my ex because we are still dating but that is as far as it's going. I sometimes feel bad because of the way that I feel about being with him. As you know we used to live together but these are the things that he have done to me but I have forgiving him but not able to trust him again because of these things here listed:
1.) Filed false charges against me, listening to his family member.(sister)
2.) Left me nine times in our relationship together while living together.
3.) Left me while I was sick
4.) Stop paying the rent without telling me.
I did everything that I could to make sure that he was happy and not angry at me. I know that I had a problem with that because I guess that have been my whole life, not wanting anyone to be mad at me and me trying to make sure that everyone was happy.
He's mad at me because we don't spend enough time together and I guess his only way of showing me that he love me is through having sex. Well I don't think so because I think that is the reason he left me was because he felt he wasn't getting enough and I was killing my self trying to make him happy and wind up in the hospital because of stress. I guess the one thing that will always be in my mind is he made a statement to me that felt like a knife went through my heart.
"IF YOU WOULD TREAT YOUR MAN LIKE A WOMAN SHOULD, THEN YOUR MAN WOULD NOT BE LEAVING"
Well before we were together, I loved being with him, kissing him when he would come through the front door, leaving little note in his lunch that I would make. Just being around him because I loved him. Now he wants all of the things that he was getting before but took for granted and now I love him as a person but those feeling are buried deep down inside and is scared to come out. I still see little things about him and we are not even living together, If I don't do what he is asking then he get mad at me and don't want to talk to me again. I am getting to the point that I am going to give him what he want. Not talking to him anymore. I am realizing what I want in life and I just don't want that staying together again. I like it just the way it is. I can't help it that he left and didn't want it and now that he does he want me to want it also. Is there something wrong with me?

September 6, 2006
1:29 am
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chelonia mydas
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September 24, 2010
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Nappy,

You need to be true to yourself first. You do not owe him anything- and don't feel obligated to have sex either. I am in a similar situation with my husband of 10 years. For our entire relationship I gave him sex whenever he wanted it and I just faked it. It is now to the point where I am resentful and don't want to have sex at all. Now he doesn't understand, but is really upset that we aren't having sex. Almost like my whole worth in his eyes is tied into sex. It isn't- there is alot more about you and I then our ability to have sex. If your boyfriend doesn't see that then he is just a hornydog who doesn't deserve someone as special as you. Love yourself enough to expect to be loved for everything you bring to the relationship- not just for sex.
Your boyfriends comment to you about "treating your man like a woman should" is a bunch of BS- he obviously isn't treating you as a man should- with respect and appreciate you as a wonderful, gifted person who has a lot to offer this world without having to have sex.

I can't tell you what to do to fix this- because honestly, I'm still in the middle of trying to fix my mess. But since I have stopped giving my husband everything he wants- and have started to factor myself and my desires into the relationship, I do feel better about myself and I am making progress in feeling more like I have some control over my life. Here are some of the changes I have made in my relationship...
I am currently being honest with my husband about my feelings and trying to help him understand. I have decided to not give him sex, unless I want to have sex- and have stood by that decision. I try really hard to be OK with my husband being upset with me when he doesn't get his way. So far I have stood by my decisions- but sometimes it it difficult. I am now doing things that make me happy and inviting him to come along (so far he hasn't- but I have decided to be OK with that- it still hurts though because I really want him to do other stuff with me and when he doesn't it just makes me feel more like I have been just a live blow up doll for his sexual pleasures). I am giving him opportunities to change and accept me for who I am. I want to be appreciated as a person. I want him to enjoy doing other things with me that have nothing to do with sex. So far he is choosing not to... so I am left with some very difficult decisions. I have decided it is better to be alone and learning to love myself- than with him and feel like a cheap whore. But at present I am still with him and still hoping he will suddenly change.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you for who you are and sees you as a person with feelings, needs, desires etc. You are not just someone to have sex with- and if he stops talking to you or leaves you because you won't have sex- then let him. You don't need someone else to be with you to have value- You are valuable just because you are you.

I support you regardless of what you do.

September 6, 2006
3:42 am
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wazz
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Nappy...

I was in a similar situation to chelonia where I felt my (ex) husband only saw me as a sex object. I, especially after the birth of our child, desperately wanted to be cuddled, but he said he couldn't do that without wanting full sex. This led to us never having sex at all, and ultimately to our separating after l2 years of marriage and divorcing four years after that.

It makes me very sad to read that you used to put loving notes in his lunchbox etc.; you obviously loved him very much but this was clearly not reciprocated.

His actions (filing complaints, leaving etc.) are not actions of love, but of control. He is making it YOUR FAULT

September 6, 2006
3:55 am
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wazz
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...sorry, Nappy, I leant on the send button by mistake...

He is making it YOUR FAULT that he is acting like this (if you treated your man like a woman should than he would not be leaving) - what crap! How old is he - 12?

Please don't make the mistake of believing that his shortcomings are yours - they are his alone.

It is interesting that you refer to him as your ex, when you are clearly still in some sort of relationship. You ask if there is something wrong with you - yes, there is - you are CONFUSED, is all.

Nappy, you are nearly there. You are clearly stating what it is that you do want - but habit is allowing him to confuse you. It's his actions that have made you want to live apart, his actions that have hospitalised you in the past - how dare he want to put you back in the same situation where all that can happen again? Do you think he'll be any different if you did resume living together, or would he be walking out on you yet again at the first sign of you sticking up for your feelings?

Try to move on. Please.

September 6, 2006
8:01 am
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Brown Eyed Girl
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September 27, 2010
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Hi Nappy

I hope youe well, Im sorry to hear your having such a hard time. I dont think there is anything wrong with you. Your clearly a loving and affectionate person and its a shame that your man doesn't appreciate that. Ive had similar problems with my ex who blamed me when things went wrong, went in a mood when i said "no" to sex and never took responsibility for his own actions, and as a result i lost all my confidence because for i while i believed i WAS to blame. Then i talked to a good friend about it who pointed out that HE was to blame for the way HE behaved not me or anyone else, so i took the plunge and finished it. It was hard to begin with but my thoughts were, "i dont want to be sitting in the same position in 5 years time", "if he really loved me he wouldnt have treated me like that" and "he is all the man he is ever going to be and will never change". Im alot happier with my life now. My confidence is back and im alot more productive. In my opinion your man will never change his ways and you would do alot better with him out of your life completely, YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE than he is giving you and i really hope you believe that.If he really loved you he would try to help you instead of leaving you and everything else he has done. Its sad but true that in life some people think because your kind and loving that they can walk all over you. In my opinion this is whats happening to you. Do you really think you deserve all this? Let me put it another way. Would you do to him everything he has done to you? I seriously doubt it. What i have written are just my opinions and i hope they dont hurt your feelings, but i know one thing for sure. Your worth alot more. I really hope your situation gets better, keep in touch and let us know how you are.

Love and Hugs Brown eyes

September 6, 2006
11:05 am
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nappy
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Thank you all very much. I is taken me a long time to really see me for me. I have alow others to just beat me down in thinking that I am not good enough. It also hurt because when I met him all ove again. I was so happy and for the first time in my life in being with someone, this was going to be my husband. I have never married and I just knew that he was it. I was looking forward to a life with him and finally thank god that he brought someone into my life. I still love him and haven't made any demands that he change, I loved him for him but I guess after we moved out of the house, I didn't have time to really know what I wanted in life because after he realize what he done then he was right there again but I glad that I didn't give in to wanting him to move in with me because that what he wanted to do at first but I just said no way. We had a house together and you left and now you want to live together again.
I know that it has been 2 1/1 years since the house sitation but I don't trust him anymore like that. I scared that once things is going good and then if something else comes up, then I have to put up with him not talking, not wanting to be with me, laying in bed with the covers over his head, leaving the house before I get up, coming home until late. That drove me crazy but now I am not giving it my all in this relationship because we don't see each other that much. It is not my fault.

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