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Letter to my husband
August 31, 2005
3:14 pm
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gofigure
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I don't know when I will give this to him. I pray I have the courage (at last) to be true to myself for once. Anyone have any suggestions? I tried to be detached and non-accusing--I don't know if it worked.
Thanks you guys!
~go

I don’t even know where to start. I am so damn tired; tired of making excuses for not paying our bills (on time or otherwise), tired of making excuses to your parents, our children and my friends. I’m tired of pretending things are not only tolerable but good, when in fact our life together is neither. I’m tired of doing so much for our family while you often just do what you feel like. I’m tired of telling you what needs to be done when you are a grown man and should be able to see for yourself. I am tired of the endless job changes and the complaints that you never get vacation when you get a vacation every time you walk out of a job. I’m tired of feeling responsible for your emotional well being while you make little effort to heal yourself. I’m tired of being afraid of your reaction to anything that may be annoying, difficult or unpleasant. And although it hasn’t happened recently, I’m tired of your anger erupting into yelling and then you leave while I am left to comfort (and lie to) near hysterical girls. I am tired of taking the blame for making you angry. I am tired of the drugs and your shame over doing them. I am tired of spending my afternoons wondering if you’ve done any and then (if you have) having to make excuses for you coming home late, missing or not eating dinner and trying to explain why “Dad is acting funny”. I am tired of your demand for honesty (and the blow-up if you don’t get it) while you lie to my face. I am tired of depending on you because this dependence has spit in my face time and again.

I am upset with myself for allowing so much for so long to diminish me. I am upset that I have lost so much trust in myself.

I am sad for this loss, because I truly believe that is what it is. The loss of dreams and goals, the loss of potential, the loss of an intact, healthy family. I am pretty sure I am beyond the point of salvage—too much for too long, or too little for too long I don’t know, but I am empty except for what I need for myself and our children.

August 31, 2005
3:24 pm
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gingerleigh
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Whether or not you ever give him this letter is inconsequential. Even if you give him the letter, he won't change, not because of a letter. But the point is, these are your feelings... you are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

My suggestion would be not to give it to him, but instead to busy yourself in making plans to better your life for you and your girls. Giving it to him is only going to cause more drama, more blame, and set you back even further, because that drama is going to suck your energy out, energy that you need for much more worthwhile pursuits...

August 31, 2005
3:55 pm
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angel1
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Even if you don't give it to him..this is good therapy for you..to release your feelings..so even if he doesn't read it your helping yourself by just expressing your feelings..this is how we get better..Angel1

August 31, 2005
4:13 pm
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taj64
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Hi. Boy do I know your pain. Ten years ago I was married to a drug addict. Your story is mine. I have two children, they were young then. I got tired of holding everything and taking second place to drugs. I was tired of looking like the perfect family but inside wasn't. I got tired of the late hours he kept out and calls in middle of night. I got tired of taking care of the bills, the kids, being the breadwinner, wondering if the tv or vcr would disappear when I got home from work, I got tired of not having the nicer things in life because he snorted them up his nose. I got tired of coming home from a hard days work only to find him sleeping and sleeping through dinner. I got tired of his big piped dream about finding a job that paid big or his own business plans to make big money that never happened. I got tired of not being able to go out and not having any friends and disliking most of his. I got real tired of him! The last straw was him signing my name to our joint tax refund and cashing it without my permission and spending half of it on drugs. I changed the locks. It took about 3 or 4 months before I accepted things to move on. And life got much better being on my own than living with a drug addict. He was never there for me. Today we talk and he is sober/clean yet I would never go back. I feel for you and pray for you.

Writing your letter is very good and I agree to keep it to yourself. It is a loss and will take time to heal. But you deserve much better than all this.

August 31, 2005
8:27 pm
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Dori
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I feel for you. My mom did the same thing for my step father. She didn't mean to cover for him, she had to. I understand.

I met a woman the other night who had the same story as yours. There is hope. There are meetings you and your daughters can go to. For families of addiction.Drug or alcohol related.The are meetings for children, young kids and teenagers. The lady I met could totally relate to you. Her children were across the hall from us laughing. Check it out. Some of the people I've met have been going for years. They love it. They say to give it a few visits before you decide not to go back. Try it.. Not for him.. for you and your girls.

August 31, 2005
11:08 pm
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hollow
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If my wife had sent me this letter three years ago we'd still be married because I'd have moved heaven and earth to keep her. But gals tend to wait until they are so fed up they just want to leave. I never did drugs or drank however I dwelled on trying to be an image I wasn't and let my reality suffer. I retreated into every day reading and study to look the part. If I thought she'd love what I might be--cause I still don't know--I'd have done anything.....

September 1, 2005
1:33 am
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Shaney
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Hi gofigure -

This letter is heartbreaking. Whether to send it or not? In the midst of all of these feelings, ask yourself what your main objective would be for sending it.

1. Are you sending it because you're hoping to provoke some response in him? Are you hoping that he reads this and wants to change? Or are you hoping he just feels bad and walks away?

2. Have you already decided to leave and you're just sending it to him to let him know how you feel once and for all, regardless of his response?

3. Or is this just a theraputic way for you to release some feelings, and you haven't decided to leave yet?

Honey, in my opinion, after reading this letter, I think that he would feel compelled to respond. You have to be sure that's what you want. You sound as though you're at your wits end. Maybe all you're looking for is action, or a step forward - regardless of what direction it's in.
You can't go on in this state... something needs to be done but I'm not quite sure what you want your outcome to be. Please keep us posted - I'm worried about you. Take care.

September 1, 2005
1:47 am
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BOO_la_Rei
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gofigure,

As I read your letter, I felt like it could be adressed to me. My husband is the functional one, he has fully supported me for the 3 years we have been together. I have been employed on and off never longer than 6 months at a time. I have had times when I would be at the bars 4 nights a week (although not in a long time) anyway, somehow, you have expressed articulatley what my husband only speakes in metaphores about. he says things like "I feel like charlie brown" you know, the way lucy convinces him over and over to kick the ball and pulls it out EVERY TIME. DH says that he has let me into every aspect of his life only to have me betray him or make him look the fool. It is the truth.
Do you feel like your husband expects you to love and care for him no matter what? Like he can do no wrong? ... I think that is how my DH thinks I feel.
so, what would it take for him to conince you to try to work with him to get better?.. I ask because when I suggest one thing or another DH jsut shrugs. I ask because I need ideas about where to go from here. And maybe it could help you too... to think how far-fetched, or how possible a healthy relationship could be.
Again thanks for posting that most honest letter

September 1, 2005
9:30 am
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gofigure
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WOW, thanks to everybody for your responses. I think my main objective in writing this letter is to express how I feel and how I've felt for a long time. I have tried many times to tell him what's going on with me. Apparently, though he looked attentive, it must have fallen on deaf ears. He says he will do anything for me, but in the end I think he is somehow unable to be the husband and father he wants to be. I think yes, I have decided to leave, I am just trying to get prepared: a car (since ours will probably be repossesed at the end of the month; he has lied about making the last 2 car payments and let the insurance lapse while I was visiting my mom--lying about this as well), a place to live that I can afford, childcare, etc. I have gotten to the point where I can't think of anything he could do that will make me feel like I used to--I am fed up with all the promises to change, the disappointments my girls suffer when he doesn't do what he says, the insecurity and on and on. I know he loves his family more than anything, but it's not enough I guess. It breaks my heart, thinking about hurting him so badly, but after many years I have come to the conclusion that I am worth much more than I am getting and my girls deserve something they can count on. I am scared more than I can say, but there's nothing else for me to do. I am dying here and refuse to just lay down and let it happen. It has taken me many years to get to this point and over a year of actively trying to salvage this relationship.

Boo-- as for what you can do, I'm not sure. He has tried to convince me to work on us, and I did. But he remained selfish, with high expectations while he gave very little in return. Talk is big, but actions are the bottom line. You can tell someone how very dear they are to you, that you would die for them, but if you continue to take them for granted and expect everything to be roses just because you know the right words to say, you are only speeding up the death of love. Love can't live in a vacuum.

Shaney--thank you for your wise words. I don't know if I want a response--I have caved many times to try yet again. I'm tired of all the promises in regards to his changing. I'm at the point where I don't want him to change, I just want him to let me go with--well, not his blessing, but with some grace. I do want him to know how I feel, maybe if just to encourage a little self-examination on his part. I finally feel strong enough to be true to myself and my daughters. But I am still scared. But it can't be worse than the life I am living now.

Thank you all.

September 1, 2005
9:42 am
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revelation
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gofigure...this situation is terrible. I am sure at the start of your relationship you thought that things would change, that he'd change once there was kids, that he'd grow up once he was married etc. I think you are right...I think he is unable to be a good husband and father...I bet he dearly wants to be, but missed out on some vital piece of learning earlier on and just can't get it together now. Its sad, but probably quite common, I wonder how many others are in the "He will change" mode now??? It bears thinking about.

I feel so sad for both of you.

September 3, 2005
6:40 am
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ucmesmiln
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gofigure, I feel ya! I just stumbled onto this website, doing some research on narcissist'. I'm glad I did, too. To the rest of ya'll......Your replies and comments....I feel like I have finally found some hearts and minds who can help me and understand every single thing that has happened in the last 16yrs of my life. I don't have much time to write, now....I promise, as soon as I get a chance, I wont to tell ya'll my story and I'm begging for help. May 05' I was divorced, after 16yrs & 2 kids. Emotional Abuse was my first keyword search a year ago....and I stumbled onto a Narcissist site....I never thought it was possible for a medical, mental disorder.....word....was exactly what my X is....I just assumed he was an A-hole and would be one until he died.....I hope to get back on here tonight..My prayers are with you all.......
ucmesmiln, age 35

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