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Let's talk turkey....any real successes here?
December 13, 2003
1:22 am
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Zinnie
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Hey Camper - and all,

I think that is how we fall prey to these C/A's. They SEEM oh sooooooo sincere when they need something.

Then, when we are back where they want us, they go back to being thier nasty real selves.

Take my cousin for instance. When he was getting the attention and help he wanted/needed things were fine. When I realized I had been duped, the tables turned and I saw the real person. Demanding, barking out orders like I was one of his Private's in the Military. After all I had done for this man before, during and after his trial. Then, on the day after his sentencing, because it did NOT go his way... I will NEVER forget that shaking finger in my face.

Then, when he realized he had pushed it too far, of course the letter's started again. "Oh Angel, you are the most important person in my life, and I need you so much, and you are the only person who can help me, etc."

Of course, tell a real man - my husband about that, and this person who I have been married to for over 13 years, and is one of the nicest, kindest people I know - let him find out someone was "disrespectful" to his wife? You want to see anger? That was it.

But, in answer to the question, no, I think they are only "sincere" if they think they are going to get something out of it. Bottom line, they are user's through and through.

Z.

December 13, 2003
2:55 am
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vegas
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As much as I don't want to believe it...as much as my heart pleads that it not be true...as much as my mind searches that there might be some possibility of hope...as much as I don't want to feel the pain the truth will bring...I have to push those aside and look at the facts. I think Zinnie might be right.

But I do think that the c/a's "sincerity" can become a genuine sincerity. I believe that God can turn even the worse of people into His children.

It has to be God making the changes within the c/a...it can't be us, the wives, the lovers, the boy/girlfriends. Then it's up to the c/a has to keep going forward along that path...not looking back, not stepping back, not turning back.

But, what do I know? My story was not a success...nor have I heard of one yet.

Maybe this time next year one of us will have a "real successful" story to share.

vegas

December 13, 2003
8:54 am
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Zinnie
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Vegas,

Just keep in mind that sadly for the C/A - they believe they are ABOVE God.

Z.

December 13, 2003
10:41 am
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Molly
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I have understood it to be a personality disorder, and you can't change personalities. Looking at it as a recovery issue, what are they to recover from ? Them selves ? I had thought it was as simple as co-dependency, NOT. I was the co-dependent one, and thus some how able to survive the victimization thing, and go back to who I was before my encounter. I really don't have much hope for their ability to change, can a lion become a lamb ? I know a lion has its moments, but I won't get back into the cage with him, you never know when the moment is over. I don't see how you can have love when you have constant fear, and I don't see how the fear will ever leave, always waiting for the When, or the What next. It has taken a long time for the hole in my life to close, and every once and a while a pang of missing him pops up, but my emotions, my thought process, my day to day routine are so much more stable.

December 13, 2003
1:24 pm
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I thought when my ex monster found church that things would change. Where I went wrong is that for a c/a, it's all about them. Everything, is about them.

Instead of humility and a softness of the soul, I saw he'd found a new weapon. He went to promise keepers and begged me to reconcile and sent a note with a rose and to call him for 11 plain red roses. He then called and asked me to go to his church with him. I said no. the divorce is going forward. This infuriated him.

I became a heretic. He would say things like "I rebuke you!", and "I cherish the future when I stand beside God and watch you burn in hell." His church going gave him a reason to file for custody non-stop and he even asked me in court at a hearing if I go to church and what kind of Christian education do I provide for our children. He sent me bullet casings in a ring box with a crucifix. He went psycho. As if he wasn't there already. He claimed at this most recent trial that my friend, a witness for the prosecution, was married in a satanic wedding wchich I attended. there is much, much more, but ya get the jist.

His relationship with God is all about him. What god can do for him. How God can work for him. How God can stand beside him. Him. Him. Him. All about him.

I don't think God appreciates being used kuz this all ended up working against him.

I promised myself I would never, ever enter into an abusive relationship with a c/a again. never. And I'm so glad I did, kuz happiness, for me, was not going to happen with this kind of a person.

UC, I know letting go is the hardest part. You won't do that until you are ready, until it is right for you.

By the time I filed for divorce, most of the tears had been shed. Most of the grief suffered. For me, anything was better than staying. Even dying. That would have been a welcome relief.

May I ask UC, what is he on parole for?

free

December 13, 2003
2:31 pm
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Zinnie
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Exactly, that is what I'm saying. They cannot and actually not only can they not, they do not want to change.

It is all about them. 100% of the time. Their relationship with God? Well, that is to prove to everyone else that they are good people. Their relationships with husbands/wives/children? That is so they will have some one else to use and abuse.

No matter who the relationship is with, if it involves a C/A - it is only to THEIR benefit.

Z.

December 13, 2003
8:35 pm
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UC

What have you been doing for you?

free

December 13, 2003
9:45 pm
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unhappy camper
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free
He was arrested for assaulting me...he had been doing that for a few months but he was getting more and more beligerent and hostile.

for me? I stopped trying to date others. What a blessing. I was not enjoying it.

I want to be alone....and just wait for my husband to get well and come back into my life.

As if.....

But just me and the kids for now...doing better at work too...I can concentrate better.

I am just thinking, not crying, hoping but not suffering, just carrying on like a trooper.

Listening to music again...it's been a long time since I did that. I am fooling myself by thinking....if I am really good and quiet I may get what I want.

Silly hey?

But just being quiet helps.

Thanks for asking. Just put up our Christmas tree. This will be the first Christmas where my daughter is not here. Last Christmas hubby was arrested.

I wonder what next Christmas will bring....

December 16, 2003
1:36 pm
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unhappy camper
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Well, I told my husband that if he wants to contact me, he has to write a letter to his parole officer and me. That way he won't be playing head games with me.

That seems to have stopped him for now. I guess he is reluctant to write a letter the parole officer can see. Also, he must be very angry for me for doing that, and also for what I said in my letters.

I may not ever hear from him again.

That would suck. I am hoping for resolution or closure. I need that.

December 16, 2003
1:38 pm
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unhappy camper
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I can't be much help to anyone here right now...I'm suffering. Feeling empty and sad...facing the end.

It's scary. Whether it is right or wrong...I don't care. I is just scary, sad, hurts.

December 16, 2003
1:38 pm
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unhappy camper
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I guess no success story for us.

December 16, 2003
2:11 pm
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gingerleigh
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You don't have to be offering support all the time, UC. Sometimes you just need to get a little too. That's OK. You deserve it, you aren't alone, even though it might feel that way some times.

Success story for "us"? Every day you are a success story, UC. You will eventually find someone with whom to share a relationship with, where the two of you together make something bigger and more wonderful than simply the sum of two people. Because you will be whole and healed, and you won't accept anyone else into your life who isn't on that same page. Right now, it's so fresh, it's so painful... it would be like expecting a person who just broke his leg to run a marathon in a cast! *smile*

The way things seem from your description, a relationship with your husband would be more like you trying to run a race going north tied to him while he is trying to run south. He will drag you, he is strong in his convictions, and in your love and with your loving heart, he will always be able to pull you into his race, rather than running one together with you.

December 16, 2003
8:10 pm
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vegas
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unhappy camper,

You are not alone...deep down I wanted for my situation to end up as a success story. There was a time a long time ago when I thought romeo and I had a good chance. But now I know that there will never be a "vegas and romeo" EVER AGAIN. THere are some major things that happened to us today...they destroy all hopes I had for Us. So, I'm on--what I've been calling it-- "Broken Dreams STreet." Perhaps you're somewhere on it too.

We can support each other in this. Cuz I'm familiar with this pain too...it helps when there are others just being there. ((hugs))

take care and God bless, vegas

December 16, 2003
10:42 pm
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unhappy camper
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Yes...it helps so much to be able to share your thoughts. So much....

December 16, 2003
11:07 pm
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Hugs UC.

your life is changing. You are growing, learning, changing. Remember adolescence? I'd swear, the time leading up to separation is even more painful. I wish I knew the right words to say.

free

December 17, 2003
3:07 am
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Zinnie
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Sadly, I think the reality of the situation is that the only successes we have in these relationships is:

1. The C/A see's a success when they hook one of us in, and see what they can get out of us.

2. We realize what the C/A is really about, and get out of the relationship.

Z.

December 17, 2003
4:20 pm
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vegas
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How are you holding up, UC? Good I hope.

your friend, vegas

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