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Let's talk turkey....any real successes here?
December 10, 2003
2:13 pm
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unhappy camper
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I have seen many people here, perhaps because of the holidays, who want to get back with their C/A's.

Does anyone know of ANYONE who has been in this forum who has SUCCESSFULLY reunited with a C/A for a long term relationship????

Or are they always met with failure or constant ongoing problems?

Has a C/A and addict associated with anyone here ever recovered sincerely and genuinely and permanently, as well as the co-dependent....and have gone onto live happily ever after?

Can you sight any real success stories?

Or are we all spitting into the wind?

December 10, 2003
3:18 pm
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gingerleigh
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Unfortunately, the ones that I know of on this forum have all been met with heartache. And I've been here a long time.

One success story that immediately comes to mind is one lady who went back to her C/A several times, finally said, enough is enough, and is now living the life she knows she deserves, AWAY from her C/A. She has her lonely times too, but her overall sentiment is that she is far happier where she is than where she was. But this isn't the question that you asked.

Sorry, Camper. Wish I had a more positive message. Maybe others have accounts that tell a different story though. And maybe there are some people who are still hiding in the wings who went back to their former C/A and have good experiences to share.

December 10, 2003
3:24 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Sorry,,,not me...W

December 10, 2003
3:42 pm
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mj
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I am not spitting in the wind but I am not perfect 🙂

I figure that change takes time...so I am learning patience.
I feel successes are possible in relationships. Each new lesson learned is a success. Do YOU feel this site is a waste of your time?

December 10, 2003
3:45 pm
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complexroxanne
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Unhappy Camper,

I too wanted to ask that same question.

I for one am currently spitting into the wind

L-

December 10, 2003
3:45 pm
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complexroxanne
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Unhappy Camper,

I too wanted to ask that same question.

I for one am currently spitting into the wind

L-

December 10, 2003
3:46 pm
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complexroxanne
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Unhappy Camper,

I too wanted to ask that same question.

I for one am currently spitting into the wind

L-

December 10, 2003
4:05 pm
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unhappy camper
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mj

🙁 surely you don't think that I think this site is a waste of time??????? come on....

My point is: do "they" ever change for the better or are we just hoping for something that just cannot happen?

(this site is invaluable)

December 10, 2003
9:00 pm
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tooscared
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charmer/abuser on the c/a thread

December 10, 2003
10:13 pm
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Zinnie
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We cannot make a C/A change, only we can change ourselves.

Based on what I grew up with, I should have married a C/A, but knew that is not what I wanted in life.

Based on what my husband grew up with, he should have married a C/A, but again, he knew that is not what he wanted.

In counseling, my counselor made the comment, that some where along the way he and I see a mirror image of each other, which is why we are so content.

I don't know if that is the answer.

Zinnie

December 11, 2003
11:33 am
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mj
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I am glad you love this site.
Thanks for clarifying that with me.

I love this site because I can focus on me. Maybe I will never change...but I doubt it, because I am doing the self examination and steps to change. I focus on me...no one can change me but myself.

If we continually look at others and what they can change for us to love them, then I think I have failed myself. By loving myself, I can successfully embrace another human being. Hugs UC

December 11, 2003
11:37 am
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artist 2
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It seems like the C/A personality needs to work on self before entering a relationship. As far as having successful relationships in general, I am on my third since joining this board. And thinking of leaving it as well... so I guess if we were all successful, would we be here talking about our problems with each other? What about the rest of the world? Do they have the same problems and are not aware of it?

December 11, 2003
1:36 pm
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unhappy camper
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I have just allowed my husband to write me some letters. He has been cut off for 3 months now. I don't have any yet from him as I just did that today.

I asked him some very searing questions...the real basics about himself and his true nature and his visions for his future. I asked for no bs in them.

I'll wait to see if he answers, and what he says. If I don't see a different person in those letters, I will just go for a divorce.

I told him the time is now to decide how much he cares about himself, and then others. I asked him to look into his soul and tell me what he sees.

I arranged that he write the letter(s) to his parole officer for that man to see first, and that they get faxed to me from the parole office. I don't want him to write directly to me. I want a third party involved to whatever extent. But always a 3rd party.

So now I will see if a C/A can change. First, will he own up to his problems and guilt without excuses or blaming me or other things?

Next, will he advise me, as I asked him, if he intends to change for HIS SAKE, not mine.

Etc., etc.,.....

I would love us to be the first success story here, if no one else can step forward to claim that honour.

But I am not holding my breath. I also am not willing to keep trying and trying with him if he is going to be an ongoing source of pain and trouble for me. Who needs that? If I see him demanding things from me, whining for things, making excuses why he can't do it for himself, etc. I will see he has not changed.

I wonder if he will even write to me. He may be so discouraged that he won't bother trying at all.

I will accept that, if that is the case. I'm really ready for anything he throws at me.

Shields up.

December 11, 2003
4:16 pm
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gingerleigh
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Arm photon torpedoes...

*giggle*

December 11, 2003
4:19 pm
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mj
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How do you know if a relationship was a success...until its over or we die?
I mean, people do get divorced after 22 years...or more? So is time the measure of success or growth or happiness or maturity?

December 11, 2003
6:14 pm
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Molly
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Was that me GL????? This site is shelter in the storm, it validates, it has attacked, it has just been here, when in the middle of the storm allowed one to process, write, vent, hear, see, and play sometimes.I would have to consider my self some what a success.... I have my moments, and had I truly listened to what was said and posted many a time, could have saved my self some pain, but we all move at our own pace. I found validation, support, consideration, respect, advice, fun, relief from boredom, courage, educational information, and finally moved on, and returned, and moved on, and returned, and here I am. I have also made some great friends, GL, Alena, Angie, Ladeska, Tez, Bel, just to name a few. There are so many that I can't immediately remember them all. I have had great opportunity to explore the human condition, my set of circumstances, and create change. Success hmmmm what a concept, its all up to you and your experience... Sometimes when we seek so hard, we over look what is. I am greatful.

December 11, 2003
6:58 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hiya Molls! Long time no see! Yes, I was thinking of you as I posted... *smile*

December 11, 2003
9:28 pm
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Zinnie
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MJ,

EXCELLENT point. Just because you stay in a marriage does not make it successful.

I think a "successful" relationship, or in my case marriage is that there is an equal amount of respect, trust, love, friendship and even manners involved. Life with my husband is not a roller coaster, I know what I can expect from him. Additionally, any time I have a real problem, I feel like I have some one else in my corner. He even told the pyschiatrist (I had to go before they do my hysto), that he thinks he and I do everything as a "Team" - if it is not for the good of us as a whole, then we do not do it.

Now, here is the tricky part. We do alot together, and have similar likes and view on most things. However, unlike a lot of people, we are not attached at the hip. If he wants to go hunting or fishing, or watch movies all day it does not bother me. If I want to go shopping, sleep, or visit with friends on the phone, in person or even spend time here (smile!), it's fine with him.

Thoughts?

Z.

December 11, 2003
11:17 pm
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Molly
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Z...sounds way to healthy

December 12, 2003
2:40 pm
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unhappy camper
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My real question is: can a C/A + alcoholic change enough so that they do no abuse or drink and are happy with that choice and go on without falling off the horse? Can my husband, or any of your husbands, wives, lovers get well and stay well?

I have asked my counselor to help me contact my husband's treatment centre to see if it is known what is wrong and how to REALLY help him. I just want to make sure he is making the effort, and they are there to help him. This man needs help badly. Otherwise, he will live in an extremely dysfunctional manner until he drinks again and possibly dies.

December 12, 2003
5:43 pm
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free
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UC

I for one have never known a c/a to change. I have known many victims who have changed and developed healthy, successful relationships because of that grueling process. It involves looking into oneself, and identifying what it is that causes the need to fix, rescue, sacrifice, and enable. That process hurts very deeply. It meant acceptance of having been a victim, when to a victim the belief that he/she is a perpetrator or at fault is much more appealing. Being a perp or at fault meant having some type of control over the situation. Being a victim meant there was none. That hurts. Deeply. This seems to be a common thread amongst my own fellow survivors.

For me, when I stayed, my happiness and future I had placed into the hands of my c/a. If he would only stop drinking. If he would only go to counseling. If he could just do this, just do that. And he always promised he would, kuz that helped to keep me there. But he was making these promises for the wrong reasons. Not because he wanted to change. I believed in these promises, kuz that meant hope- for happiness, for peace, for a united family, for a future.

For me, this set me up to be a victim. Because I was wrong.

For the hope to have promise, we BOTH needed to change. We BOTH needed to heal. And even then, there were no guarantees.

We did not make it. But I believe I did.

free

December 12, 2003
6:16 pm
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Zinnie
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Can they ultimately change if they are truly a C/A? Probably not.

They can be an addict of some sort and not be a C/A - and have you can have a chane with them. One day at a time.

However, I think the person who honestly falls into a C/A personality type, we will never be able to have a real relationship (normal) one with as they see NOTHING wrong with what they are doing.

The only "changing" they will do is to lie to get back in our lives. To lie and cheat to parole officers, prison chaplains, counselors, and ultimatelty us. Once they are back where THEY want to be, they go right back to being the way they really at their core are.

December 12, 2003
6:34 pm
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unhappy camper
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I'm so scared. Of our marriage failure. Well, it has already failed, but I mean of divorce. I am clinging to desperate hope, but I will be SO sad to have to let go.

I have the strength to do it, but it will kill me nonetheless.

But better than having him kill me...

December 12, 2003
11:35 pm
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vegas
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unh.camper, If your husband is sincere in working things out, would you be able to continue living with him as his wife and not bring up, or remember, the past? I mean, there are the past happy memories...and also the ones that still make your heart ache.

I WANT to believe that c/a+alcoholics can change...but you're right. They have to do it for themselves. I know that deep down in everyone there is a beautiful, good person. It's just the decisions we make, actions we take and addictions we keep.

No matter what happens, though, unh.camper, you'll be okay.

December 13, 2003
12:38 am
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unhappy camper
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thanks vegas

I am drained. I feel like I am waiting for my execution.

It's hard. Depending on him to make changes. I just wrote to him pleading for him to be sincere, to think about me and how important I am to him, whether I am worth the effort for him to work at fixing his problems, what he wants from life, and for him not to come back to me if he is not sincere.

Funny you used that word too...sincere.

I wish you happiness or at least peace too.

hugs,
camper

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