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November 12, 2001
1:47 am
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Cici
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I wasn't allowed to have my own bed until I was about 12 years old. I don't really know why. It was something that was never really discussed, but everyone knew what was going on. Looking back I can remember one older sister, the one I am still close to, who was always protective of me.

I did one of those catharsis writing exercises where you use your less dominant hand (my left) and write to yourself and I wrote that I remembered that sister would always tell me it was ok, it wasn't my fault.

I've been pondering this situation for many an endless hour. My husband is surprisingly immensely supportive and I have no idea why since I've done everything in my power to make him hate me. He still drives home and listens to my rants and at about 2am he made me a thermos of chamomile tea and got my coat and told me we were driving out to the prarie to look at the stars. While we were there I we didn't talk, he just stood next to me and we found constellations.

When we got home he played a Cat Steven's CD, the song was "Father and Son", and it was maybe 4am. You should listen to it, it just made me cry. And I thought about how we change. How I am a different person, a better stronger person now. My Dad was an asshole when I was little. An alcoholic, untreated PTSD, raised in foster homes and getting into fights. He's lived 3/4 of his life now. He's a different, more deflated man. Weathered.

I decided, that night, that I would take him for who he is now. I can't hate him, or have a tearful confrontation because of the ambivalence I feel, the very acceptance of that ambivalence entails the ackowledgement that I have no higher ground to dictate from. I am human, and what would I be if not for these experiences?

Not to say that the issue is closed. I don't know. A few years ago even, an emotional crisis necessitated a halt in my life and it's normal functioning. I need to be able to keep moving forward. But the fact that I have a context from which to more accurately interpret my reactions is a relief in and of itself.

My husband talked to me about my episodes of rage and violence. They hurt him, he is confused at the yo-yo-ing ambivalence of my responses to things. But he did say that during those episodes my body language changed and I looke very infantile, my attacks were clumsy flailings, he said I held my body differently and I was just screaming and grunting incoherently like a child having a bad temper tantrum. I ripped his shirt off of his back with my teeth and hands, apparently.

Pooh said, "think think think..."

November 12, 2001
1:53 am
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gypsygirl
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You are so very blessed to have such a husband.

November 12, 2001
7:26 am
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janes
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And he is blessed to have such a strong wife...others would have totally crumbled by now.

Beyond the ambivilence you maybe should let the father know that for some reasons you just have no feelings...

but aren't you releasing lots of anger at others....like your mate? Where does it truly belong? Put it there. It won't change anything in the past but at least it is rightly placed.

Why can't you hate him? the Bible says obey and honor your parents but it also tells fathers to care for the family and not provoke the children to wrath.
He broke the covenant first by not caring for you.....

I agreee...accept him for who he is...but be brutally honest about that... he may have been a pedophile and you the victim. This deserves rage!! And not at your hubby.

You can improve the future maybe...yours.

Love ya......hang in.

November 12, 2001
11:23 am
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Ladeska
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Cici.....It is a delicate thing - looking at this trying to access - where you stand, how you posture yourself. Ambivalence is a way of distancing....and for now, that may be what you need. However, the channel has been opened now and a certain identification has taken place. There is no going back and there is no hiding...

Your little one has spoken and you have heard her.

The anger has many facets to it and a large part is that you allow her the right to have anger for a time - toward her perpetrator. There is a season for that, Cici and it doesn't make you less of a person or a "bad girl".... The ambivalence will at some point have to give way to this. A child would continue to have outbreaks at any male in her life, who stands in such an intimate position until she is given permission to direct that anger - where it belongs. The adult - cannot dictate to the child - the politically correct way of behaving in this scenario. It won't work...

I see you sitting across the table from this little one, trying to explain so many things in a grown-up fashion and her eyes connect with yours and you know - that she cannot do what is expected of her. She needs "release", once and for all. A safe place to say - "I HATE YOU!!!" if she has to and not be reprimanded for it.

Shame stands at the door and says to her....you musn't. It isn't appropriate. You will be less of a spiritual person, less intelligent, and what would it prove or help anyways, for you to do this? Grow up.

She can't.....until you allow her to finally once and for all - be with this knowledge and let it rage. You've directed elsewhere and now you want to pat it back down. Identification has happened. Now it is time for follow through.... There isn't room for the yo-yo process to keep going for the mark and then being pushed back down again. The child in you is weary of that and so is the adult.

Time to speak it, feel it and open all windows and doors with no more mis-direction. It doesn't even mean that you have to say anything to him, Cici - but you have to let this come front and center "within you" at some point.

Until you are strong enough for that "ambivalence" is a sedative, a way for you to rest....true enough.

Sweetheart....I read what you write and my heart just breaks... You know what you are looking at here, don't you? I'm sure you do. Looking at this is very, very tough for you...and I want you to be very kind with yourself in all of this..

What you have on your screen now - is the foundation from which most things that have really hurt you badly - originate from...what I call - the root. I'm sure alot of people would differ with me here but I'm just going to say it because I've seen it proven true over and over again. When a child has this kind of beginning....they are more susceptible to being molested and raped as time goes on. I'm not even sure I could explain to you why this is in words. It's almost like - until you are able to heal and acquire weapons against it, until what is twisted inside is made straight via the path of "real healing" there just seems to be this mark on us that pedophiles/rapists seem to see. As if they know our radar has been knocked out, disabled and that we are too weak to really fight in that regard anyways. I look back at pictures of me when I was 9, 10 and I could see it all over my face, especially in my eyes. It was like something had given up inside me and that I was mortally wounded. For a predator - that gives them a huge signal. Body language, eyes, voice - everything signals it that this child or pre-teen, or teen or young lady is prey....

This is not our fault - it is the product of our injury. We were never allowed to heal correctly. We just put on a bandage, wouldn't allow room for the identification or rage, thus what was broken, grew back crooked and disabled us in many ways. Even our compensation for that crippled state - would end up making us - more vulnerable.

It is understandable that you would be looking backwards into your father's life and trying to formulate a reason as to why he may have been the way he was to you. However, right now....that isn't appropriate to a child who is looking at you and through many tears says - "I don't care....I need for you to be angry - on my behalf and to say that - no reason is okay...None."

From that point, after you've crossed that threshold, allowed yourself to be in that space and truly hold this and let it rage - then and only then can you move onto a place of mercy, of grace, maybe even of forgiveness at some point.

You've opened the door for her....please allow her to be in this room and to have her complete say and a tantrum that is precisely aimed....on the "true" target for once.

I just want you to know that I appreciate so much that you stay in the ring as you do, as you have...you've been sooo brave, Cici, so brave... I can't begin to tell you how much I feel for what you are going through. You're like a rose to me....unfolding more and more each day, even though it is painful, I'm not real sure that great beauty is accomplished any other way...

Give your hubby a big hug for me and thank him for "being real". More than anything - this is what you need. The resiliency of his love for you is paramount also and extremely necessary. Yes, he has seen your little girl many times, I'm so sure...and he has held her close and realized that you may try and take off his arm in the process of loving you. (smile) And yet, love sits with you, even if it is in silence looking at the stars and giving you a much needed perspective on how limitless the essence of your life really is.

November 13, 2001
5:08 pm
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Ladeska
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....where are you?

November 15, 2001
4:13 pm
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Cici
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Where have I been? Hmmm. Couldn't say. Floating in a frenetic place, a lost and found of coagulating energy, where I can endlessly walk through the corridors of my mind and try to tidy up and make things look nice without ever dragging out the furniture and all that crap in the closet and really CLEANING anything.

Last night my Dad had yet another cardiac episode, ambulance, hospital, congestive heart failure. 25% of his heart still functions now, maybe less. What can I say to this, when part of me feels vengeful, "you deserved it", and another part feels so much sorrow for loss. Him him him. He he he. Death. Ambivalence. Family. Personality. Self.

While my Dad had no heartbeat and my Mom was trying to revive him with cpr, I was at a vipassana meditation group for 2 hours doing an hour sitting meditation and an hour of dharma talks, at my yoga teacher's house. I felt like the teacher could see straight into me and he was talking to me. "There is no crying in Vipassana," he told a story of his first teacher and how past traumas had left him an emotional powderkeg of tears at that point in his life.

There are three marks of existence in Buddhism: suffering, impermanence, and egolessness. All life is suffering, from birth to death. Sitting meditation of breathing awareness allows you to teach yourself to observe the ever-changing, impermanent microcosm of the body, and further, of the mind. Therefore, the entity that we view as "self" - me, myself, I, does not truely exist.

Suffering comes from clinging. Clinging to the idea that the self that existed an hour ago, a minute ago, or 20 years ago, is still the self. Clinging to memories of old hurts, clinging to possessions, memories, things. Without these objects, you become a creature floating out of context, unconnected and yet completely and utterly unified.

I am angry, at the man long ago who wounded the child. I am not angry, however, at the broken man I see today. I am not angry because there is no need to carry that anger with me now.

Last night at the meditation, someone mentioned psychological work, unearthing deep-seated motivations and preconceptions. The teacher said that this work is like setting up the furniture in your house just so, but the real goal is to be able to come and go freely from your mental home. I still have much work to do arranging things, but I can't let the minute arrangement distract me from learning to move beyond.

That little girl, she is so terribly wounded, she does not understand, she tries, though. But maybe the point is that there is no understanding to be reached. I am here now. I am safe now. I am no longer in danger. But I must teach myself to understand this, to be here now as Ram Das said.

November 15, 2001
4:31 pm
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Cici
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I want to open up the attic, to cut out a window and let my little girl fly and be free.

I having a recurring nightmare that I am a bird in a cage, that the cage is metal, I see the bars to clearly they are thick and hard, and I try to pull apart the bars but I have wings instead of hands and I end up beating my wings against the cage, fluttering until I wake up, thrashing about, wrestling with my body pillow. There is that panting desperation, the feeling that I am so close to something and if I just found the right WAY I would be ok.

November 15, 2001
4:40 pm
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Cici
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Ladeska, a recent letter from the little one:

Dear C,

How are you? You want me to tell you the truth. Sometimes its so scarey to tell the truth that you don't want to. If you just won't listen to me, you will get sick! But at least, if you get sick, you can stay home from school. School isn't fun but you always have to pretend that it is. That's because there's no other things that you can do. You can't just stay home all the time! But at home is nice. It really is. I think that people are bad and mean to me. I try to be so nice, like everyone wants to be around nice people. I know I do. But no one wants to be nice to me like I want to be nice to them. You think about things too much. That's sad. Just let it be. Let things go.

Then, I replied with the other hand (right hand):

What whispers - when spoken,
turn the track from east to west?
And what is the path that could have been?
If I could turn my own eyes away from right and might
I could be like the shadow, then,
anonymous and cool and omniscient.
It has been so long
since you last let me speak,
mother, sister, you
My mind has turned to
watery gruel
I am full of myself.
So full it makes me sick.
You know the sickness, little girl.
You know what it is that makes you weak.
But I can't tell you, love,
you know the two-headed lion cards are me and you.
"One of us always tells the truth and one of us always lies"
You're losing it. You've known. No one will listen. My mind is going.

November 15, 2001
6:16 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici....there are so many things that you have just realized as of late...things that haven't had a chance to settle in. As if to say - you've moved to a new house, but here are all the boxes now. You see the new dwelling, but don't know how to "be" in it yet. Thus the door is now visible to your cage, but you have feathers/wings for fingers. You see freedom and yet can't get there. But, you do know it's possible now..

I feel the same way about my father. I hate the man he was, I really do. Want to talk about rage?? Um, he wouldn't want to show up face to face and be the man he was back then. He'd be a greasy spot.

But, now - when I saw him the last time - he was rather pathetic to me. I know alot of the other is seething inside him because I heard he pitched a real temper fit when I left. But, he wouldn't bring it out in front of me and I know why... I really do. I'm no longer his victim nor his captive bird. And I do think at some point - you do have to come to that fine place where that is very clear from - you to him. You don't even have to speak it, Cici - but it needs to be.... That place, that line in the sand where you say - this is where the little girl was and this is where I stand - in her place and what happened back there...was not okay..

I think we rush to get to that forgiveness side all to quick and we try and bypass - this place where we are very firm in our wrathfulness about injustice to a child. Don't skip through this place to hurry up and get to this placid, mellow place. You won't arrive there anyways, if you do not go through this place. It won't happen and if it does it will be fake and come apart later inside you.

Your little one - just wants "realness" and doesn't care who's slip is showing in the process. She's tired of the pretense, of the "face" that you have to give everyone when you're bleeding inside. For you to be angry for the right reasons, aimed in the right direction is good for her to feel from you. She needs to feel protected and like she has a right to her voice, so keep writing, Cici. She will open that door to her cage all by herself....just as soon as - you guys become one...

November 19, 2001
2:47 pm
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Cici
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Ladeska,

You path to release/salavation must lie in helping others. A disconnected voice filled with suffering may awaken fear or repulsion in others, yet you have only compassion. Thank you.

November 19, 2001
3:53 pm
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Ladeska
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I just love you, Cici....and if nothing else....my little girl will sit with - your little girl and just hold your hand or throw things, growl, paint ourselves with dirt, throw up, watch stars, snarl at the world.....have tea....whatever it takes....I'm here for the long haul...no need to thank me...I know all about disconnected darkness...

November 19, 2001
4:08 pm
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Cici
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Did you see the meteor shower early, early Sunday morning? I stayed up until 4:30am and sat on the roof and watched the shooting stars. This weekend, you probably know how it is, was a time of a lot of reflection.

I keep experimenting with different therapeutic techniques and I kind of feel the progress. Instead of trying to push away those thoughts during my hour meditation on saturday and again on sunday, I decided to explore them and meditate on them, and I found myself in a visualization technique.

I used to do this when I was very little, I went to Catholic school and I was a very earnest little child (what you couldn't tell? ha ha). During naptime I would do this visualization in order to pray. I would imagine walking a dark and perilous path to a steep black cliff, and I would jump off and dive into a river. The river was dark and scarey, but I would wash ashore in a garden and find myself walking toward an old, old man who glowed softly. In my visualization I would never speak, and sometimes the man wouldn't either, but this was my vision of God.

This time, during my meditation, I followed the path and instead came to an old, old Buddhist monk in saffron robes. He told me that his appearance was not important, that I saw him as I needed to. And then instead of the path he showed me a door, and said that this garden is inside everyone but we lose sight of the door and always take the hard route instead. And I went through the door and saw a flower blossom, tightly closed, but slowly, slowly beginning to bloom.

I want to lead my little girl into the garden, Ladeska. Perhaps my inner voice is showing me the way.

November 19, 2001
4:21 pm
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Ladeska
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I think we all know about the garden....but basically we choose to live for the base nature of our existence - or to rise above it. Yes, even a child knows.....how to get there. Interesting thing...that you dove into the scary water. Sounds to me like - you chose way back then....to survive.. Otherwise, in your meditation - you never would have jumped into anything dark and forboding. You jumped off the cliff and could have chosen differently and it brought you to a place of peace and wisdom ultimately.

I don't think it's a thing of - will you lead her or will she lead you....you have already chosen...and in effect - it has been done...(smile) You just need to "breath it"...and then the lotus will allow you to "see" it's blooming.

There are many things that can wound us - but only those things that identify the mark as mortal. Nothing eternal can be mortally wounded. Such a garden, as the one you visited and hold inside you - isn't anything that will ever know death...

As the whirlwind inside you spins....slow it down a little....and keep yourself perfectly still inside the eye....watching, watching...as the violence, as the anger, as the feelings all have their place...one power blows away all that is dead, while the one that watches ushers in - all that will never see death.

No....I didn't see the meteor shower...the sky was too overcast at the ocean....bummed me out....glad you got to see it though! Was awesome, I heard....

November 21, 2001
2:01 pm
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Cici
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Oh, Ladeska. It's like stairs, you know that. One step forward, two steps back, but you make slow but steady forward progression.

It's so strange for me to look back at the first time I found this site, and started posting, and hell, through all the therapists, friendships that have come and gone, psychiatrists, medication, drugs, here I am still crazy after all these years. But maybe realizing that part of growth is accepting yourself, flaws and all. I'm stubborn. Like a mule. har har

November 21, 2001
2:30 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici....I don't think we can see our own growth, just don't think it's possible, at least not until we really get down the road and can have some perspective. Yeah, I know you're stubborn, but isn't always a bad thing, ya know?

The stairs? Yep, hate em. But, it's all got that kinda "crazy rhythm thing" going on....just have to tap into it and learn how to dance with it. I've stopped comparing myself to people and what I ought to be - as if there's some big picture up on the billboard that we should all adhere to be like....actually, there IS that billboard (smile), but I refuse to be the sheep that says - duh, okay, make me a clone..... Um,no.

I'm me, you're you and it's a crazy little recipe when you look at each one of us. I've taken all the fairy tales and all the "this is how it IS" books and thrown them out the window. Don't anyone tell me the absolute truth about squat because the deal is - you don't know either.

I just sit by an open window and expect the scenery to change and also expect that I might jump through the window at any given moment, too. Then again, I might tear the walls down and build the structure I'm in from scratch one more time. Then again, I might just camp out under the stars and be a vagabond drifter, too.

Life was made to be "lived" and the rules are what control freaks live by because they are scared little mice who run from their shadow and everyone else's, too.

The key......was always on your own dressing table. You're just blowing time until you're ready to stick it in the door and turn the handle....thus all the counselors and circles. there is nothing crazy about you - it's all about timing...

What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

November 21, 2001
4:10 pm
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Cici
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I'm making the dinner with my sister, which I'm actually looking forward to (food tv junkie that I am). We picked up some stray guys, friends of my brother-in-law and my husband, who have nowhere to go for the holiday. Personally this is my favorite holiday. Christmas has gotten too commerical for my taste.

November 21, 2001
4:30 pm
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I don't get into the commercial anything anymore, haven't for a very long time, never did it well anyways. I'm the person that says - don't tell me what to buy, where to buy it, when to buy and how to buy it. Isn't what the holidays are supposed to be about anyways. My family got so yuchy about all that, got to be complete snots about who got what, to the point of I'm really glad now that I'm not a part of them anymore. My sister tells me all about the hell she goes through with my alcoholic mom and the horrible dysfunction that goes on and I just smile and go - yep, that's why I'm not apart of them anymore. Feels damned good. Isn't that nasty of me? No big deal really. They weren't the family that raised me anyways. Didn't meet them and try to fit until I was 25. Never worked. The family that raised me was the abusive bunch, so me being an orphan is by choice and it's times like these that I don't regret it. May be quiet, lonely even sometimes, but - with alot less noise and heartache. Good for you that you have invited all these other people. That....to me....is the real spirit of things. (smile) All I ever got at the Thanksgiving dinner table was a hard way to go and major indigestion the night after. The smile I had to plaster on my face didn't agree with me either. As long as we can love somebody up and have some "realness" - that to me - is the way it should be.

November 25, 2001
4:55 am
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I so agree with you, Ladeska. I cut as many family ties as I could as early as I could because I never felt understood or appreciated for who I really am so little by little through the years I built my own family and spend the holidays with them.
I have a southern branch to my family now since I moved down here and just spent the holidays with them and we had a great time. To me ,spending time with people you love and accept and who love and accept you is the most important thing. It doesn't matter what you do--it just matters that you are together. Also, new people have a way of showing up at celebrations during the holidays(friends of friends or strangers you meet in the check out line of the grocery store) and they sometimes become a permanent member--I'm always looking for potential family.
I hope that all your holidays gave ya'll lots of warm fuzzies.
Artist:)

November 26, 2001
11:28 am
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Artist....yeah, it just makes sense to do this, but so many people get all trapped in the guilt thing of I have to honor my family no matter what! Like I've said before....honoring is real cool, as long as they deserve to be honored. Just because a cop is a cop - doesn't mean you have to respect him if he's violating your rights. Kinda the same principle here. People may wear the title - but not walk the walk. So many people though just can't get past that dyed in the wool thing of - you just have to take it because it's family, you'll burn in hell if you do otherwise. Yeah well, I suspect alot of people might burn in hell in families because they turned their heads about atrocities going on within families, too - and did nothing about it because they didn't want to soil the family name and all that B.S. I'm a product of that one, so "sore subject".

Good for you that you're able to do this... There are so many orphans out there in the world, too and family is "where you find it". (smile)

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