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Let go
November 7, 2001
2:28 pm
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Cici
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I can't do it, man. I'm totally not into the whole "make your life better and fulfilling" deal.

Hah! Actually, what the hell, I have no idea. I could have a ticker-tape list of all the sources of my enormous and all-consuming rage. We could have a parade and through all the crap into the streets and leave it for the street-sweepers to clean up. Maybe then I'll finally be able to let go.

I mean, what does it take? Why is it that people can cling to life in third world countries, enduring famine, war, hell, really BIG DEALS, but I can't be friggin' satisfied with my central heat and air and refridgeration and stock portfolio and college education? Why is it that learning to cope with yourself and your own faults seems like a monumental obstacle?

I know, I know. Grow up, Cici. Stop freaking out ever few months about existential issues. Be zen, Be. Breathe.

I just see it as a terrible weakness.

November 7, 2001
2:38 pm
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I KNOW HOW YOU ARE FEELING...I HAVE FELT THAT WAY ALL MY LIFE,BUT SINCE BECOMING A PENPAL WITH A YOUNG LADY WHO IS INCARCERATED UNJUSTLY,AND CONCENTRATED ON HER LIFE AND IN HELPING HER, I HAVE NO LONGER CONCENTRATED ON MYSELF BUT OTHERS IN NEED...

LOOK AT IT THIS WAY,IMAGINE YOU HAVE BEEN INCARECERATED UNJUSTLY AND NO ONE HELPS YOU?...WOULDNT THAT BE AN EXPERIECNE HUH?...FORGET ABOUT THE OTHER WORLDS OR CULTURES AND TURN THE FRIGGING TV OFF AND HELP SOMEONEELSE CLOSE TO HOME,THIS WILL HELP YOU TO APPRECTIATE WHAT And WHO YOU ARE..

IF YOU WISH FURTHER CHAT WITH ME PERSONALLY,PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL [email protected]...BUT IN EITHER CASE...JUST REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON AND HANG IN THERE...AND REMEMBER THIS...A STRANGER IS A FRIEND WHO YOU HAVENT MET YET...CONTACT ME FURTHER AND LETS CONSIDER EACH OTHER FRIENDS....TAKE CARE AND HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU...

November 7, 2001
2:48 pm
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Molly
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Ugh Cici, I hear your having a bad day? I had to laugh yesterday when I was searching desperately for some papers I had written the package from the Peace Corps. I though of you. We are special souls, we question this and that, and then question the this and that response. Sometimes I wish I could turn it off my self, but its who I am. I guess maybe that is where the zen of it for the day can be is accepting that your not accepting. Keep breathing. We still love you, just the way you are.

November 7, 2001
2:50 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici...you're growing up...that's evident. Just hung up on something you're being stubborn about. (smile) Have no idea what that is but from knowing you a little, I'd say you are in your cerebral hat and refusing to connect to the feeling one. You're such a smart little cookie....and sometimes, what we need to wrestle to the ground really isn't that complicated, but if we're scared to go there or feel helpless in some way - we will try like nuts to paint it something else with our brain. We'll slice it, dice it and make ticker tape out of it. Only to frustrate ourselves to no end because quite honestly - we do know what's up and we won't deal with it.

Something isn't setting well with you.. something isn't adding up...what is it?

November 7, 2001
3:25 pm
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Cici
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Emotions suck big time. They suck big, sweaty booty.

I can sit on the toilet and read "Yoga Journal" until I get hemerrhoids, and you know what? I still don't get it. I can have insight into other people's dilemmas, but when in comes to my own I am soooooo farsighted. I'm squinting like my Mom does at the newspaper because she refuses to admit that she needs reading glasses.

I feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis. Yet, I still hope I won't die at 44. Har har har.

No, no no. Emotions do suck. Really. they do one of two things: they make you super-pissed off, or they set you up and make you all jazzed and then you get to fall from your pesdastel and land right on your collarbone. Maybe that's it. I'm just in emotional traction right now, and my nose itches, but I can't reach to scratch it because I'm in a full-emotion cast.

I had the biggest infatuation with Spock when I was little. Wow, what emotional control. Me, I'm one minute up, one minute down. HUbby suggested I see a psychiatrist fo rmy bipolar mood disorder, as if he has absolutely no idea what's going on in my crazy head. Lately I've taken to referring to myself as the insane one. I can't even make it to the computer to post, or articulate my distress. Blarbleepleblop. That's it.

November 7, 2001
3:38 pm
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Cici
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November 7, 2001
4:09 pm
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Molly
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Maybe its something in the water, Ladeska will validate that I as well have a ring around my ass. Bi-polar, isn't everyone? I actually got past the anxiety and started to really fill out an employment application, and my explorer, had a .dill, attack, and closed. Is that a sign? Hey lets go to that yoga camp in Costa Rica !!

November 7, 2001
4:10 pm
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Ladeska
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...okay, sweetheart....why did you post "this" particular website? What is it's meaning....for you personally?

November 8, 2001
12:46 pm
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artist
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CiCi--

I have NO idea where you are coming from

BUT if you'd just crawl out of your skin for one little minute and TELL us

--I'd tell you something COMPLETELY useless and OBVIOUS that would not make ONE THING BETTER!!

What it would do MAYBE is tell you
that you have A GREAT MIND AND HEART
and COMPLETE STRANGERS care about you because they are so great.

So, drive yourself nuts if ya gotta but REMEMBER that YOU are the driver and you can stop the car at any time.

Love ya--Artist:)

November 8, 2001
10:22 pm
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Ladeska
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I won't second guess Cici here. She's a bright and highly sensitive young lady. I just know that we do talk in code alot so wanted her to interpret if she felt safe to do so... I do think that when I look back over what my abuser did to me and then he ended up almost fatally wounding himself...(saying all the time he was doing it that it was because of me, mind you) I still felt guilty, horrible for being angry and all of a sudden the spotlight was on him and his disabled state. Everyone, including me - had to wait on him. I stuffed some enormous anger and felt guilty the whole nine yards. Then he became a Christian on top of everything - through this experience. How sweet. I tried to take that one in as well....tried...

But, what I saw was - a major deception. One that was supposed to - excuse his behavior. All he said to me was - sorry you had a bad life...that was his apology, which later - wasn't good enough for me - thus my confrontation to him. Not for him but for me.

I think if he had of been in some bad physical state, I would had to work this out, just with me, but he wasn't - he remembered, even though he tried to worm out of it and say - the bullet he put in his head that night - erased his memory...

Um, no.

He remembered alot of things after that, just selected things - he did not remember. He remembered all right and when he looked at me that day that I talked to him - he knew I knew - he remembered.

But, it's not about always "talking to them". If you can - fine, but the major battle is within "us" and how to come to a place of releasing their poison and their hypocrisy in our life and to really look at it - right between the eyes and call it - which DOES NOT mean that it reflects badly on us in any way because we dare to do so. That's the big hurdle.

We are so wrapped up in "how we should be" as is reflected to us in other people's eyes, fashioned by their own demons and lives of denial they have lived - then SO should we damn it! I think not, thank you very much. I can think for myself. You may have put up with bullshit and not moved on in health but I don't have to inherit the whirlwind of destruction from you and refuse to. End of story.

Guilt - misplaced - is a killer. And we who do not face that one squarely - pay for it dearly with our lives. I don't care who these people are in our lives, what label they wear, how wonderful they are in the community, how they may have "changed", blah, blah, blah. They started the cancer and the consequences of that motion can never be erased. It has to be addressed within "us" and corrected as to who - who did what and what rights we have as human beings to sort out, to lay blame right where it belongs, to be responsible about it and to move on - without clingly roots of denial, misplaced guilt and buried fears and anger. No more. There has to come a time of "no more".

If we struggle....it usually because of these things....and because our true inner self knows the path we must walk and we hesitate... Calling it a myriad of other things, looking to the left and to the right, under the bed and up at the sky, all the while the wound festers and grows and grows with intensity....like a cancer - we feed it.

The moment of truth is when we face it and go Okay....I will speak it and let the chips fall where they will. Then I will build a new structure - the one I have every right to. I didn't start this destruction, but I will "identify" it's origin and it's path and I will leave this path for my own "way".

November 9, 2001
7:56 am
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artist
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Hey Blondie and Ladeska--
{{{{HUGS-A- LICIOUS IN OVERTIME}}}}!!!!

Artist

November 9, 2001
11:22 am
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Ladeska
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...((SQUEEZE))....

November 9, 2001
2:48 pm
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Cici
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Sorry about my latent postings. I'm having to use up my free time collecting observational play data at the preschool we're researching.

My Dad, no it wasn't him I think. I have no idea. He's this very remote person, very distant. Hell, he's 50 yars older than me.

But Frank, with his black shadow hands around my throat, is an amalgamation of my childhood molester, my first rapist, my second rapist, my distant father turning away from Mom beating her children with broomsticks. The first rapist was a friend. A boy - the first one since I have been molested who made me feel comfortable. The second was a boyfriend, well, not at first. First he got me drunk and raped me, then he told me I was pretty much useless to other men because of what he had done and somehow convinced me that I could only be with him.

The thing is that I am working through my rage. But recently, on a handful of occassions, I've erupted into violence. Mom-style. Hurling breakables at my spouse and punching him in the face and stomach. I kneed him in the balls this last time, boy was he pissed. Bruised up my arms and hands all over by beating on his head. Screaming all the while. I'm turning into my Mom and it scares me. For the first time in my life I have lost complete control of myself and just blacked out during my rage periods. They last about 15 minutes. I work out on a punching bag with kicks and hooks and jabs about 3 times a week, I don't understand why I can't get my rage out in a safe place.

The story, reminded me of my wedding. Just that feeling of depersonalization, not being real or really attached. That thought she had, at the altar, "I can always have an affair" - ran through my head continually. Still does. It's like, you can only let yourself love someone who can hurt you. If he makes you feel safe, comfortable, happy, you can't trust him because he will wait until you're vulnerable and he WILL hurt you.

November 9, 2001
3:26 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici....I don't understand this statement...

"The first rapist was a friend. A boy - the first one....since I have been molested.....who made me feel comfortable."

Are you saying there was a molestation before you were raped the first time?

As far as this is concerned....

"My Dad, no it wasn't him I think. I have no idea. He's this very remote person, very distant. Hell, he's 50 years older than me."

I'm just going to comment here, like I would to anyone because it's something you need to hear for "you" if it applies to you or for your knowledge in general...

But, I see a "haze" here....one that is very interesting to me. You really don't know, that's apparent, so it's worth the consideration and would explain much if you applied this template to you and how you react to your husband in so many ways. I think you know that template fits, but what is so common with us is - that one place, regardless of how smart we are, or trained or whatever - we will extremely blind to and resist going there like visiting hell itself.

You could have picked alot of other articles, Cici to have sent besides this one. The central focus of this article wasn't that she was feeling like she could have an affair. Although, this is where you are concentrating, like a child telling someone something and then saying - no, I didn't, I didn't say that the prince was an evil gargoyle, I said that I was talking about his horse being evil.

It looks like a child's way of getting it out there - but withdrawing behind the curtain to see if - it's okay to say it. Will people run away, what will they say, how will "I" feel about it?

I'm not saying it did happen, Cici. Just wanting you to look at all options and go toward things that "fit". If this were the case - it would definitely explain your anger. Your father is old and disabled - you can't clear anything up with him now. Your mother would blow a gasket probably if you said anything like this. You'd be the bad little girl all over again.

If mom hit you with broomsticks...."why" might that be? Because I'll tell what the most logical scenario is - since you are who you are and exhibiting the signs you are.... pay close attention...

If....Dad is the perpetrator early on and I'm talking - early, maybe even toddler stage - it still registers with you - No. 1. It's a violation, period. And, a child at an early age - would have rage and anger as a way of expressing themselves because they probably wouldn't be able to put things into words....feelings are all she would have.

And here's the kicker....if Mom saw Dad doing this - knew about it, maybe even fought with him about, but somehow it got patted down in a real crippled way between them - the way it goes usually is - the Dad becomes distant with the daughter and "allows" the Mom to exact punishment and abuse on the daughter because the Dad needs to have a scapegoat for his own behavior. It then falls on - Mom needs an outlet against Dad and daughter can wear the shame for Dad and be the dog she takes her own rage out on.

You absorbed someone's rage beside your own in this instance... And you assumed guilt and responsibility from someone as well.

The Dad then just stands back and looks good. May have a rotten relationship with his wife and daughter, but he's not the one wailing on the kid - she is...and he lets her do it. Then he's just the "distant" father - but not the guilty looking one, right? Passive aggressive tactics once again - work just like a charm and the real culprit escapes without a scratch.

The other thing that plays out here is - the daughter assumes the position of feeling like - the other woman who stole her mother's husband. Not a fun feeling....and the mother's rage towards the daughter and all the snide put-downs, one woman to another - doesn't help matters either. It's all bad...

And subconsciously - it ends up making the daughter feel - I identify with my mother because she is what I looked to as identification of my place in this world as a female in a relationship with a man - good, bad or ugly - that's what we do.

So, what gets imprinted is - her husband was unfaithful to her...therefore, my whole basis for how I see faithfulness in a marriage - is messed up, especially because - it was with me....he was unfaithful, even if I was a toddler or whatever age. You would always ask the question - can I be faithful, can he because the greatest and most influential model of that - was shattered early on.

Now...if this hypothesis is true about "you"....it would explain alot of things. Would explain why you were a target with these other guys. Not saying that YOU BROUGHT IT ON. Not at all. But, I am saying - we are terribly vulnerable to these kinds of people...our radar is majorly messed up with them and we don't see things coming, especially in our younger years.

Just something to think about and if it's not the case, then maybe you could put it in your box of things to apply to someone else down the road as a consideration.

Rage won't cease....until the key in the door "fits". That's what we scream for is - truth. Nothing else will do. Then....we find peace.

You do put up with me, don't you? (smiles and hugs) You're not crazy, sweetheart...quite the contrary. There's a huge reason for everything you are experiencing and I want you to get to the bottom of it. Love ya.

November 9, 2001
4:22 pm
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Cici
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Yes, I was molested when I was 5. The first rape happened when I was 12.

Ladeska. You don't know how much your last post affected me. Maybe you do...ha ha.

The fact of the matter is that I simply don't know. I may never. Do I want to? Hell no. I still don't remember my first rape. Just right before and right after. I have no memories from my childhood, either. None before I was 8 years old, except for disturbing flashes. Those flashbacks though, never include anyone. I remember me, as a little girl, maybe 3 or 4 or 5, doing strange adult things to my little body. I always attributed it to the swim teacher. Maybe there never was a swim teacher. Maybe I made him up to have a "safe" person to associate these memories with.

Oh Ladeska. "What tangled webs we weave when we humans seek to deceive." Suddenly I don't feel that strange tension anymore. I just feel very very sad. An immense sorrow.

November 9, 2001
5:01 pm
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Ladeska
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Ohhh Cici...my little Cici...sweetie, yes, I do know or "know somewhat" how this affected you. At least you're peering around the corner, as honestly and as bravely as you can at this point. The thing is - your body does remember and has a hard time connecting with your mind, especially the little one with the adult. Different language, but not impossible. Just different. The adult has to be willing to learn the language of the child, because it can't go - the other way.

Her code - is what it is and you have to learn it. I think one of the most important steps in finding out "who" - is to give "permission" to yourself - saying if it was him....it's okay...it's okay....I can let you say it and I won't reject you, won't turn my back on you...I will embrace you and focus my anger where it belongs - at what happened.

The child in us is sooo scared of rejection. The attic is a lonely place, very lonely place. And if a child has something like this happen, even if it is molestation and not rape - pretty much same difference...especially if it is a parental figure. Many more elements come into play as I pointed out before when this is the figure involved..

So, in order to find out what's what to the best of your ability....you must give that child a safe place to "be" within you. A no fly zone. Just as you were physically speaking to a child....you focus on her and say - it's okay....I'm listening to you now, so do what you have to do, speak to me in all the ways you can, I want to be re-united to you so that we can become whole and leave this ugly place together - intact - as one.

The absence of the strange tension may be a little girl's hand - relinquishing the fist that she's been beating you up with. She may have finally - gotten your attention...

You have no idea....how much YOU touch My heart...

My little girl wants to come have tea - with your little girl...

November 9, 2001
5:16 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici...touching yourself before the age of 5, before the molestation, and not just in a way of exploration, which probably wouldn't take place at that early age, to the extent of you remembering "that" and feeling shame and not remembering - other things. This is significant. Shame being attached - is of major importance here.

You not remembering the face is common and even more common if it was someone you trust and love and has authority over you. That would be a fate worse than death - to acknowledge the identity of the face. Even as an adult - that would be hard now - even harder for a child....they split, they sometimes disentegrate altogether because this is just too destructive. They can't cope, can't handle this, it doesn't compute and they can't make it compute.

One of the most common things I used to do was when something would happen - I would project it elsewhere by telling myself a story about it and then commit - that - to memory instead of the other.

My dad was reading my pornographic fairy tales at nighttime as a child and getting off on it. But, to me, I said dad was just being silly and was reading to himself and not to me at all.

I never acknowledged those stories until I picked up a childcraft book about 10 years ago and looked at the fairy tale book and read The Highwayman.... He read it to me as - they raped the man's girlfriend, tied her to the bed and raped her, one after the other in clear view of the window where her lover would be coming into view and see it.

I freaked when I remembered this and immediately my mind went back to grab the story I had told myself about it, but I wrestled with myself and finally went....this is true...he did this....then, I just broke down and cried and cried and cried. I finally saw the child and the adult thinking as separate things. I was under the age of 7 yrs. My first memory of being raped - was 9, but obviously other things happened before then.

There's a mechanics here that you really have to come to understand....and like I said - even if it's not what happened, it may help you unlock what did and who did more....

Obviously, something of major importance has moved in you...whatever you do - don't let your analytical mind shut her down. You'll want to do this....but fight it to the floor and keep the door open for a little child to come through, shaking and scared to death...and also angry that she's had no words to communicate her wounds with. If...for the first time she has your attention....then this time - will be so very fragile. Step carefully.

November 9, 2001
6:39 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici...I'm going home now in about five minutes. But, will check in during the weekend to talk to you. Just wish you were a few minutes away and we'd go do something, have a beer, chuck water ballons at people or go to my favorite canyon and break bottles and scream like really primitive scary little people....

I've never forgotten what I read one time about empathy....it was described simply as..

Two little boys sitting on the curb, both of them with their heads in their hands, downcast, quiet. The adult passing by asks - what's the matter. One little boy looks up and very seriously says...

"We" have a pain in Billy's stomach.

I just call it friendship...same difference. Empathy is too big a word for me anyways. Especially for us little girls....(smile)

....okay, we wouldn't have a beer, we'd have tea...in our tea sets....

The ocean is pretty from where I'm sitting right now. Very big, very still, very limitless....

November 10, 2001
12:09 am
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Cici
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So many feelings. Weirdness. A disjointed kind of calmness. Maybe healthy, maybe not.

I was in yoga class today, doing inversions. Handstands, headstands, shoulderstands. Difficult asanas that require centering, being "in" your body instead of inside your head. I was talking to my instructor afterwards and he was telling me how certain asanas, as a student, burn away the deeply seated psychological blocks we build to separate our spiritual being with our consciousness.

I am flexible, but I am tense in my hip flexors, which indicates a blackage in the lowest chakra, the one associated with the power of sexuality and reproductive awareness. He told me that as I worked on increasing my hold in the poses, my mind would slowly build inner strength along with my body, and the obstacles I had avoided would be attainable to me as time passes.

He recommended some readings, and going over them I read that yoga, "yuj" (Sanskrit for Yoking), united the spiritual with the physical body. By strengthening my inner body, I strengthen my outer. Maybe I am finally strong enough to face this with perspective.

Slow and steady. No more big emotional scenes. I was thinking about the pain, the hidden secrets and mistakes and blame that every family builds in their web. Deceit, taught to yourself and your children and your parents. "Smile, though your heart is breaking..."

Yoga is perhaps a better crutch than drugs, doncha think? ha ha ha.

November 10, 2001
12:11 am
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Cici
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Molly,

Read a yoga journal article about aroma therapy and decided to give it a try. Loving it. Lavendar, Clery sage and Jasime for anxiety, female problems and depression. Ahhhh. I feel like I can smell my wrists during teh day and inhale calmness. Who knew?

November 10, 2001
12:07 pm
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I've been thinking so much about so many things. Late into the night, awoke early in the morning. I feel unidentifiable emotions. Kind of sad.

I was talking to my husband about this though yesterday, before he left for the weekend to see his parents and I thankfully had a pleasant time by myself. He said I may never know and I know that and I don't want to know I just have all these emotions, this strange feeling of understanding, but not the kind where everything coalesces into some enlightened space. Just patterns, patterns, subconscious patterns of behavior, ways to protect yourself from a threat that no longer exists, recognizition of some deeply held sorrow, some secret that holds so much and so little.

I prided myself on working each day to forgive my rapists. to forgive is to grow, to be better. The best revenge is a life well-lived, right? In the quiet hum of being, being alone and now, there is too much room for clinging.

I'll see him tonight, crippled by insecurities, delusions, what is right and what is wrong, the world we create when we shut ourselves inside a house and never, ever come out again. It becomes minute, and fantastic.

Laying in bed, early this morning, I had a flash of so many memories that I never let myself think about until this very fucking day. What about those times? Those times I tried to make myself endure with a smile. When Mommy left for basic training and Daddy made you sleep in bed with him and make him dinner and take care of him. You got to play Mommy for a few weeks. Your sisters were gone to summer camp and it was just you and him and that nagging feeling of not right, no I don't want it this way I want my own bed. I wanted to sleep in my own bed. I just wanted to. I wasn't allowed.

So shocking how easily I could fall into bed with someone I had just met when I was first in college. The way I could be sexual but never intimate, I was like a man. I never went more than 2 weeks without sex. I would go out after I was raped the second time and look for men to get. To have sex. And leave. Relationships were an impossibility because I was unable to tolerate them after a few days. They disgusted me, they were repulsive and made me sick to my stomach when they touched me. So I would just leave and find another boy.

Am I being too raw? It's how I feel. What I am seeing inside my head. This is something else, apart from my value as a human being, as a woman, as an insightful or deceitful human being, this is just emotional vomit. Realization and recognition. My goal is not a touchy-feely resolution, Ladeska, I think you know that that is not possible in the sticky web of family politics. Maybe just a humanistic resolution. To look at myself both honestly and acceptingly. To see the flaws and glories and be balanced.

Denial is not a river in egypt. heh heh heh.

November 10, 2001
1:16 pm
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Its not??? Damn....... All of these memories did it start with the asanas? or with the lavender? Cleary Sage, you supposedly can get drunk with and lavender for some stimulates the dreams, my sis, and youngest have to be careful with it. Any of the scents can unlock memories, its the oldest part of the brain. I scents to help people stop smoking, tension, eating disorders, different scents for different things. I can't live with out the stuff, and What he said about the yoga is true, very true, we have some people in our class which is a very very safe place, break down, and go what was that all about. We also do chakra balancing, and exercises once and a while, better than an md, or a shrink, and you get flexible and firm all at the same time har har har.
Some of the things you are writing remind me of things that I hadn't given signifigance to as well, I recalled them quite some time ago, even when I was in school, and sorta went into the river with it. Abuse comes in way to many varieties.
Take care Cici, and take all that good smell in. My favorite combo is chamomile, lavender, and rose geranium, it is also supposed to be good for your skin, and lavender will take care of any burn, but you need to use the oil straight. I almost forgot to tell you about Vetiver, that is a really grounding scent, it reminds me of the smell of earth. it comes from the roots of a tree, go figure.

November 10, 2001
5:02 pm
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Cici
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Vetiver, eh? Maybe it is the scents. I've been experimenting with mixing different combinations. Something unlocked a black box inside my head, who knows what it was. Maybe it was just time.

November 11, 2001
1:03 am
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Ladeska
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Cici....sticky webs of family politics....? yes, I would know something about that one. And you can't heal you - through them, very true. Isn't possible. Would be nice, but highly unprobable they would - be a part.

Your memory of being with your dad in this way - is highly significant. As is - the chemistry of how your mom has been with you as well, as I described above. You definitely have a well seated pattern that goes way back, even before your rapes, before your molestation, something was locked in early.

The body does need to be "with you" in all of this and doing whatever conjunctively, whether it is yoga, dance, swimming, whatever - is useful and I think quite necessary for healing in a whole way and at an accelerated rate.

This is an interesting journey you are on, a path that has different languages, rhythms that you are just now - learning how to speak, translate.

I totally understand the need to seek out the people for sex and then turn away and not be able to connect. The trust button has been badly damaged as has the whole function of a man with a woman because you do seem to be remembering it being - a man with a child. Doesn't compute and why should it? Until she grows up and connects to you and you become whole - it won't be possible the way you know it can be. She's still a child, Cici and it doesn't feel right. The feelings are not right, not there and they shouldn't be.

The road to resolution isn't scripted by anyone because it is your own. And the vomit must definitely come up and out. That one paragraph about you being mom or a surrogate wife really says alot. For one thing, emotional incest is just as bad as the physical kind and maybe you need to read up on that....and give yourself an open path to just look at how this one thing has affected you and what lies may have been laid in the place of truth - that now need to be ripped up by by the roots and replaced with "understanding" for a child and her pain.

What do you mean you weren't allowed to have your own bed? And how old were you then?

November 11, 2001
3:38 pm
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janes
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Good work good work good work!!!!!!!!!

You guys are all so insightful..

Cici..have you ever checked out Dr. Irene.com?

Hang in there..

Keep smelling and I'll pray you don't get a stuffed up nose!!

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