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Left the crazy bf
February 15, 2010
4:39 am
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learningself
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I discovered that there was no possible way to work on my codependency issues while being in a relationship with my ex, because he is chemically dependent and isn't doing what is required to fix that. I tried to set boundries and say no more often, but then he would wonder why I was being a "bitch" and freak out.

So, finally, I swallowed my pride, and excepted that it's ok if people take care of me, and moved in with a friend. Actually, her parent's house. I need to find a job, so I can get a place. But for now, I already feel so great.

He won't leave me alone, though. Tonight it was: "I got some crack and I'm going to get more and I'm going to kill myself." ETC!!! Drama, that is not my problem, but I still love him and care about his well being. That is why it hurts so much when he tells me that I don't love him or care about him. He just doesn't get it. And I've explained it several times. It's not him or me, just our issues doen't mesh, they only get worse when put together.

I finally gave him a firm stay the hell away (Etc.) via email, pretty much because the last messages I heard on my phone were so nasty, I was disgusted, and knew there was no hope for the future, even if he and I took a break and did some theraph, etc. But I know he will continue to harrass. Twenty plus horrible messages, and mean emails. Most of the shit is lies. I from now on am going to block him in anyway I can, and my friend listens to the messages, laughs and tells me he's crazy and she's soooooo happy I'm not dating "The Douche" (as she calls him), and deletes them.

I'm just feeling so mad right now. He keeps telling me that I betrayed him, but I'm the one that feels betrayed. Yes, I did break up with him. But he knew it was coming, and didn't try to make changes. He only wanted to talk about problems when it was over, just as a ploy to get me back.

I'm just so frustrated and confused, because this man can be great, but usually he treats me like shit. So, why does he want to be with me if he doesn't care about me enough to treat me the way I deserve. He even admitted that I deserve better, but did very little to change it.

I also feel worried about him, b/c he's all into suicide right now. And I've been there (maybe not to his extent but still) and I don't want him to do anything rash or harmful. But he won't seek help and I can't be there for him. He will suck me back in if I have anything to do with him.

I need some words of wisdom or strength or something, anything. I feel like I'm going crazy, and I just want to move on with my life.

February 15, 2010
10:11 am
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StronginHim77
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First Rule of Being An Addict: NOTHING IS YOUR FAULT.

Second Rule: Never accept responsibility for YOUR lousy choices.

Third Rule: Always blame someone else for YOUR lousy choices.

Fourth Rule: Use manipulation and sheer drama to force others to accept your unfair rules.

I hope this helps. This guy is a classic. As you stated, he knew what was tearing you apart, yet kept on DOING HIS SUBSTANCE ABUSE. There is nothing you can do to help him, except step back (which you have done).

I know it was hard, but it was the right thing to do. You cannot save, fix or change him, but you CAN save yourself, seek your own recovery from codependency and change your own future.

Start reading some support books, especially Melody Beattie's CODEPENDENT NO MORE (which includes a workbook) and Sandra Brown's HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN. Also, check out local meetings of Nar-Anon and Al-Anon in your area, as well as CODA (for recovering codependents). All are free and will give you alot of support and insights.

Keep posting here. There are some great people on these threads who have been in your shoes. I believe all will agree that moving out, blocking your phone/emails from him and avoiding all contact with him are really important and positive steps. Hard to do, but they WORK.

I am really proud of you for the difficult choices you have made. They were the RIGHT ones.

Keep moving forward. It does get better, less chaotic and more peaceful each day (although that will feel weird and unsettling at first, since you are used to the chaos and drama of being around an addict).

- Ma Strong

February 15, 2010
10:23 am
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atalose
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learning,

Isn’t self discovery wonderful, you discovered for you that there is no way you could have stayed with an active addict while working on your own recovery from codependency. I call that putting yourself in a life boat and paddling away from the sinking ship. That takes courage and strength, something else you are discovering you have.

I’m glad you have such a good friend who was able to provide you a home for comfort while you work through this ending, work on yourself and move forward in life, how lucky you are to have her and her parents.

What you are now experiencing from him is classic “active addict” quack (talk) and harassment. He’s not getting his way and is much like a child threatening to hold there breath unless you buy them that toy. Healthy people would report a threat of suicide to the proper authorities so an evaluation can be done and also to know that you did do everything possible. Something you might want to think about and would no doubt put any guilt in yourself to rest. Also his constant phone calls and harassing emails can also be reported and a restraining order can be issued. Something else you might want to think about if it continues, so keep all those phone messages and emails just in case.

There is a part of us codies that welcome that kind of behavior, we long to hear them disclose there undying love for us and how they can’t live without us, so be on the look out for your own behavior and emotions after his contact towards you.

Blocking his number and keeping with no contact is very important for you but so is NOT allowing yourself to be harassed by him. Active addicts go in waves, his high tide is the anger towards you and his low tide is the loving longing for you, just realize that there is no calm while in active addiction only highs and lows. And if you become his only focus then you may want to think about finding the next step of strength and courage to put a stop to it.

((learning))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 15, 2010
12:38 pm
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Dark Phoenix
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I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Breakups are rarely pleasant and especially hard if you still care about the other person. You really are being so brave.

I am also codependant, and in the past have been a top notch "enabler". I often found myself in the situation where the other person drinking/using could continue the behavior they wanted and I didn't have to acknowledge that anything was wrong.But what sometimes happens in these relationships is that one person wants to get help for their issues but the other does not want to do the same for themselves.It seems your ex is very content to continue being a using drug addict. It's likely he might be in denial that he even has a problem. Your decision to leave has made him lash out at you the way he has because who can he blame now? God forbid he start to take some personal responsibility and address his own addictive habits. Addicts don't like to feel helpless and out-of-control, and they will blame everything and everyone except their own substance abuse for their problems.He knows how to push your buttons and he's trying to manipulate you now.
You ask "why does he want to be with me if he doesn't care about me enough to treat me the way I deserve." The hard truth unfortunately is that, like all drug addicts, the only thing he truly loves are the drugs. They are his first love, not you. As long as he's using, you or anyone else would only ever come second best.He's not capable of treating you the way he should. And, as is often the case, he most likely doesn't love himself. Unless he acknowledges his addiction and gets the proper treatment, he will forever be incapable of treating you or anyone in a loving way. I don't mean to sound harsh, but he only wants to be with you because you feed his unhealthy emotional needs and insulate him from dealing with his issues.

I hear you when you say you still love and care for him. But you also don't want to get sucked back in again. If you should come into contact with your ex, it might be worth considering the points below -

begin to look at the situation in a new way.
detach from your emotions.
realize that you are being blackmailed and that it is not appropriate for the blackmailer to be treating you in that manner.
make a commitment to yourself that you will take care of yourself and no longer allow this abusive treatment.
see that a demand is being made on them and that it makes them uncomfortable.
determine why the demand feels uncomfortable.
Do not give into the pressure for an immediate decision.
set boundaries to be able to take time to consider the situation and to look at all of the alternatives to make the decision.
Finally, you must consider their own needs first for a change, in this process.

As for the harrassment,
If he threatens sucicide again, phone the police, explain that your ex is threatening suicide and ask them to carry out a check on him

I wish you the very best.

February 16, 2010
3:10 pm
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friendlybear
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I am new here. This is all excellent advice. I am in a similar situation.

February 16, 2010
5:44 pm
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StronginHim77
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Welcome, Friendlybear...

Maybe you would like to create a thread for yourself, so we could all get to know you better?

- Ma Strong

February 16, 2010
6:15 pm
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learningself
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I still feel guilty, even though I know that I shouldn't. Nothing in this situation is my fault, therefore I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. Why? And how do I stop it?

I am feeling better and better everyday, and I'm trying to do things I want/need to do. I bought new clothes, some of which my mom wouldn't like, and got a second ear piercing (which I have wanted for YEARS, but didn't do it, b/c my mom wouldn't want me to). I am able to get back to the old me, that has everything written down and organized. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't able to do that before, but it was because you can't be organized and calm in a state of chaos. Now, I know that, and will stay away from people who are controlling and dramatic.

I am listening to codependent no more on audiobook and I have the hard copy, too. It helps me see what my life would have become if I would have stayed with him. I tried to explain that to him, but he wouldn't listen or read the book, not even the introduction. I even emailed him a link for an online copy of most of the book (http://books.google.com/books?.....38;f=false).

I saw that all he wanted was me. TO have me, so he could have someone to feed off of... misery loves company, and I'm ready to not be miserable.

I am going to get How to Spot a Dangerous Man, too. Because I NEVER want this to happen again.

Thanks for all the support ... and keep it coming, b/c I know there will be a few days in the next month or so that I will start feeling weak.

But for the most part, I'm growing, and gaining so much strength everyday.

February 17, 2010
8:01 am
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LearningSelf

i am very proud of you for stepping back from your toxie partner and seeing that you needed to work on yourself all by yourself.

That takes a lot of courage and strength.

I am fighting my own battle as well and trying to mend my broken heart.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you continue to grow stronger.

keep posting!

(((Learning)))

February 19, 2010
4:38 am
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learningself
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I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. Even after all the horrible things he's said. I know he didn't mean them and I don't want to be alone. I can't sleep alone anymore. I feel a void and I can't sleep, thus the 2:30 AM post.

Why couldn't things have been different? Why? I love(d) him so much. I just wanted that to be enough. If he could have just been happy. If I could have just been happy.

I hate his dad!! I HATE HIM!!!!! He ruined it all. If he wouldn't have been a verbally and physically abusive a**hole, if his parent's would have seen the problem behind his early drug use, if his mom would have taken the kids and ran away, if, if, if... All I do at night is cry and think of all the if's ...

Put my codependency and his need to self medicate asside, and we were a great match. We had so much fun with eachother. He knew me. He took care of me. And visa versa. He just couldn't take care of me the way I needed. And what hurts even more is the realization and FACT that I couldn't take care of him the way he needed. I HATE this so much. I just want to be with him, but it to be ok. Why can't I have that? Why can't things just not be so horrible? Why is reality so cruel?

I DON'T feel strong. Not when I can't sleep at night without him next to me. I just cry and feel so little and alone. I don't feel strong enough to do what I have to do to make the changes I have to make. I don't know how to not be codependent, but I know my happiness and the happiness of my future family is at stake. Codependence, Alcoholism, abuse, etc. it's all a vicious cycle. IF I DO NOT CHOOSE TO CHANGE IT WILL EFFECT MY FUTURE CHILDREN AND THEIR HAPPINESS! I feel a little better right now, putting that in big bold letters.

... But, I still miss him ... and there will still be many tears...

February 19, 2010
8:05 am
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learningself<3, I understand where you are coming from. Your post is what i am going through so you are not alone. Many of us hear are either going through this or have been through it. You are grieving your loss and going through it to make yourself healthier. i think you are a very strong soul and you know what you need. and yes IF YOU DO NOT CHOOSE TO CHANGE IT WILL EFFECT YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN AND HAPPINESS. I think i might put this in my mind during hard times. I just want you to know you are not alone and i am here for you. hugs!!! Saddoxie

February 19, 2010
10:56 am
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searchingtruth
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Hi....I am going through the same thing. I have to keep remembering the bad stuff. It is very hard when you love someone who is toxic.....I am always hoping he will change, but the same pattern follows and gets more destructive. He is such a wonderful man when he fears losing me and when he gets me back all the shit happens all over again. He is also self medicating. Drugged out..Grandiose.

He is also only caring about his survival...not yours. I am not qualified to give advice, but all I can tell you is that I am on day 2 of no contact and I start wondering if I did the right thing....ya know? I am afraid that he WILL change and yet another woman will get the "best" of him that I wanted and it makes me sick and want to call and beg for him back...

All I can do right now is wait for thoase moments to pass (and they do) and keep reading books on this.

I know I think that he is my "soulmate" and he makes me feel like I am abandoning him. These men will do anything to keep you trapped

I hope you stay strong and not go back for more rounds of this abuse like I did....please keep posting.

searchingtruth.....

February 19, 2010
10:44 pm
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learningself
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Thanks so much for the words of support. It really does help to know that even though this is hard, it is hard for other people, too. Other strong women cry over similar issue. They are strong, and I am too.

Searchingtruth:

I have felt similar feelings, esp. the another woman will get him when he is better, but when you pair a codependent person with a chemically dependent (and also codependent person) it will NEVER work. You will not be able to be happy, and "fix" yourself, and he can't "fix" himself with you. It's a hard realization when you love someone so much, and you just KNOW that if you could both be "fixed" it could work. But even if you fix yourself and he fixes himself, it will always go back to the way it was. Learn to be happy about the potential of him getting better and finding a wonderful woman that is not codependent. B/c then he can stay better and be happy. If you really love him, that is what you should want. As for you, focus on YOU! Your happiness, and how you can find it. When you find you, then you will find your "soulmate" or whatever you want to call it.

PS I am saying this for my benefit just as much as it is for yours.

Happy thoughts to all. And let's all continue the support. Because we are strong women, and we can DO this. Happiness can be ours.

Learningself<3

February 19, 2010
10:56 pm
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learningself

i too think the same as you and searching. it is truly hard to let go of someone and to think they may find another person better. It is really tough. BUt you know what? it doesn't matter anymore. they hurt us enough and they are gone. You both decided on your own to leave your relationships and that takes a lot of love for yourselves. I didn't i got dumped big time! So i am the odd one out. HA!

i like what you posted learning. it is now dully noted in my brain. that was a very kind and sweet thing to say about your ex. i shall want the same but for me to be happy as well!

yes we will all get through this.

February 20, 2010
10:45 am
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atalose
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It’s extremely hard to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic or drug addict. You will always be second to them as there drink/drug consumes most of their lives.

The short bursts of happiness with them always will become clouded by there habits because addiction is a progressive disease so those short bursts of happiness become less and less.

It’s natural to remember the good times after an ending and discount and deny the bad times. Making excuses for their behavior is where our codependency lies.

Try and stop worrying about whether he will be different with a different woman. That's a total waste of energy. Who cares! You're assuming the other woman is going to be just like you, has the same needs as you etc. Maybe she doesn't need to feel "respected" like you do, maybe she needs to be with someone who is selfish and unavailable to her. See? It's absolutely fruitless to imagine that his relationship with her is like yours but "better." Impossible. 2 people bring 2 unique sets of needs, attitudes, behaviors to a relationship.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 20, 2010
12:23 pm
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learningself
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Saddoxie

It is not that they will find a better person, but a better match at a better time. Unfortunately, my break-up wasn't mutual. He knew there were problems but he didn't accept that we both could not get better together. We have to do it alone. I hope he can learn that, but it has to be on his own. I'm learning to separate myself from him mentally and emotional, and it is helping now that I am completely separated physically.

It doesn't matter if you if you are the dumper or the dumpee or it's mutual. If it is not the right match at the right time and it ends, you are better off. Now it is time for you to stop focusing on him or the break-up (which is hard, and you do need some healing time). It is time for you to focus on YOU. And I will do the same 🙂

Learningself<3

February 20, 2010
12:46 pm
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searchingtruth
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Hi, it's me in the same boat. My brain is telling me I am doing the right thing....but I am depressed. I am tired, sad, weepy, yet don't have time to mourn....it is like a death and somehow it is easy to forget the bad....that is why I keep reading here. I know this will get better, but I just need to write it out loud.

This and the lonliness thread I can relate to.

Just hanging in there and learning more every day. The rollercoaster ride is a long one, isn't it?

M

February 21, 2010
5:39 pm
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searchingtruth
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I think I am a thread killer....That is low self -esteem? How many times can you beat the same subject...yet...???

Still having hard time.

Learning self? How are you?

February 21, 2010
5:41 pm
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searchingtruth,

How are you?

🙂
Mugsie

February 21, 2010
5:49 pm
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searchingtruth
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Not too good, but holding on...wrote on "My Gut"

February 23, 2010
8:14 am
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searchingtruth
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Hi Learning self.....How are you doing?

February 27, 2010
10:24 pm
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saddoxie
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Hi searching! How are u doing? U still hanging in there? I know its tough! Toxic men just stink!!!

Hugs and strength coming ur way

March 2, 2010
11:40 pm
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hi everyone,

i am new to this site.

my ex and i have been dating on and off for many years. he comes to me when he's lonely, when he wants comfort, etc... eventually i relent and when he gets me back, he starts drinking, smoking, and smoking up a lot shortly after. then comes the negative attitude, constant complaining, and me trying even harder to do my best. of course i defend myself but rarely do i feel heard as his apologies are empty words while he actions after a while remains the same.

i think i am codependent because when he wants me, he treats me well and i am happy, and when he doesn't want me, he treats me like garbage and sadly, i take it and keep trying harder. recently, my ex broke up w/ me because it was too hard for him to make this relationship work, to treat me in a way i deserve. he mentioned that there's no connection. i don't know if he'll come back. past patterns dictate that he'll come back but he seems pretty determined. then again, he always is.

i'd like to say that i've had enough of this back and forth drama. the truth is i don't know. i used to say "no" then eventually succumb to him because my heart wanted him. (i thought he really loved me.) currently i am tired of this drama and feel that i deserve to be treated better but i'm hesitating because i'm afraid my actions won't be able to back my words. i guess i'm hoping to work on this hesitation and myself so that if he does come that i won't go back to him.

learningself, thank you for sharing your ups and downs with your situation. i feel for you and wish you all the best.

March 6, 2010
8:22 am
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searchingtruth
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Amen....my story in a nutshell....learning self and all in relationships with these kind of people....I am sorry and mad for us all!

I am doing good today after listening to I love you by text all night. I am slowly getting used to not being with him and that makes him scared.

Sorry in a rush for work....Have a good day all

Searching-

March 6, 2010
10:14 am
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Cheeky,

Have you considered some counseling or going to an CODA or AA meeting?

What you're describing is something I'm still struggling with. I was addicted to a person. Even though that person made me feel bad, I kept letting him back in and the pattern continued.

It's still hard for me. Yesterday, I got 2 phone calls that I didn't recognize (he often would use someone else's phone - he was a user in a lot of ways) and it started me thinking. I had to do some deep breathing in order not to return the calls.

Searching,

Good for you for ignoring the texts. Keep going.

March 6, 2010
4:37 pm
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So much of this stuff sounds so much like me too! I have been on and off with this guy for almost 2 years. He is a alcoholic but right now attending AA and sober. He got his 3rd DUI in October and has been doing good since. He only wanted me when it was convenient for him and when he needed someone to lean on and be there for him...he turned to me. As soon as he started to feel a little better he told me he needed to concentrate on his sobriety and that he couldn't be in a serious relationship. I thought he was telling the truth until one of my friends saw his profile on a "singles" website and there under status it said, "looking for a serious relationship" talk about a kick in the face. I asked him about it and he lied and said he's never on that site. Liar, liar! It says he was on it 3 hours ago. I just wish I could be done with him. He leaves me alone and when he gets lonely he reals me back in just like a fish. Just thought I would share that you are not in this alone. Best advice is to keep busy and you won't think about him so much and try to find things to do that are positive.

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