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left abusive H recently
December 15, 2005
11:43 pm
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prettyinpink
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This is my first post, AND I just got a computer at home, which will help connect with people. Just over a month ago, my H and I moved to separate apartments. It's complicated, but he's a N, and possibly BP as well. Out of the 12 years we've been together, he lived with his mother for all but three of them. He was abusive all three. He's actually lived with his mother for 42 years (he's 45 now). He is emotionally/verbally abusive, which is why we separated a year after we married 8 years ago, and then we tried again the last two years as he, his mother and his son (now 18) had to leave the house, as it was being sold. His mother died a year ago. I have two sons (now 21 and 23)....one who stays over a couple of nights a week & lives with his father the rest....and my youngest who travels & works out of the country.

The thing is, I'm having a terrible time. I know that NOT moving with him (where he told me 'pointblank' that my sons would NOT be allowed to sleep over, but HIS could live with us)was the right thing to do....morally, AND to stop the abuse. My therapist told me that as long as I lived with him, he would continue to abuse me. He has no real empathy, no compassion, no understanding that I have feelings too (not just him), and I need to be heard too (not just him). He wanted what he wanted when he wanted it. He's a 'my way or the highway' kind of guy. Everything is about HIM...and he is a control freak.
Yet, I miss him. How crazy is this? CRAZY!! No logic to this. He's hurt me so much, really since a week after we got married. It's gone on for so long, not living together mostly (while he lived with his widowed mother, yet I have hung onto the hope.....the hope that things would get better, that he would 'mellow', and that all his anger would dissipate over time. NOPE! He's MORE controlling since his mother died.
I just don't know why I can't just say to myself, "thank goodness you are out!" and move on. I am sad alot of the time (not on the outside)and only wish the pain would go away. He hasn't called, and I doubt he will. He's too proud! He's sent an email about getting some of my mail, (me too), so I dropped his off in his mailbox, and he did the same for me, but that's it!! Wow!after 12 years. This is tough! I get really lonely inside (even with my sons or others around me)....it's this sadness that just lingers.

December 16, 2005
1:14 am
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mamacinnamon
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Prettyinpink:

Nice to meet you.

I think the sadness is that the relationship ended. It's like a death. You have to take the time to mourn it. And it does take time. Spend this time working to improve yourself. To let go the the bad habits and actions. I would suggest the book "Codependency No More" by Melodie Beattie.

Find out who you are and what you want. You have had to be someone else for so long. Get out and make new friends at church, health club, book store, tons of places. I am NOT saying jump into a relationship. You don't need any of that until you heal and learn to not be codependent. But find a friend or two to talk to, go to the movies w/, out to dinner, over for tea... ...

Do come here anytime to vent, talk, ask questions. You are most welcome.

December 16, 2005
1:23 am
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Lass
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Hi Pretty,

Wow, how is it that you just described my husband? I guess when they have this dysfunction it just covers over any real personality.

I think thaat we have come to confuse a certain amount of abusive behavior with love, due to our family or origin.

That undoing becomes our job. To sense deeply that we deserve real unconditional love, not the kind that involves jumping through our master's hoops.

I think you will enjoy yourself here, and feel a part of things really soon. Keep reaching out and reaching in.

Love, Lass

December 16, 2005
12:07 pm
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taj64
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Hi Pretty in Pink, remember this is a process and you will go through many things. You will feel sad, miss him, feel hurt. It is ok to do this. taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do right now. You really can recover your broken heart because your heart is strong.

December 16, 2005
8:50 pm
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shelbeegirl
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prettyinpink
I am going through the same thing that you might be feeling. My ex moved out just yesterday. The house looks barron.My friends refer to the house as looking open, welcome and
serene. I got a new cell phone today and called several of my friends that Ihave been neglecting. They welcomed me bback with open arms. I will think about you and pray for you. Know that others on this thread really care about you and your situation.

December 16, 2005
11:20 pm
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36 inch inseam
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Prettyinpink - Do you really miss HIM or the comfort of the familiar? Sometimes it's easier for us to stay where we are even if it sucks becuz the alternative of starting all over again seems too frightening.

I hope you find the courage (which is defined as scared to do but you do it anyway) to change your life.

December 17, 2005
10:59 pm
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prettyinpink
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I so appreciate all your messages. I'm having a rough night.....feel like I've been hit by a truck. This is the second time this week. I think I was holding back alot since the move, 6 weeks ago, cause I haven't cried too much, and lately I've been falling apart more often! I mean, only two months ago, my H and I were sharing the same bed. Maybe it IS 'comfort' that I'm missing, as you say '36inch inseam'....I miss Jekyll, not Hyde. I guess too, with the NC, one starts to 'forget' how bad it was. It WAS 12 years of history together.

mamacinnamon, yes, I have this book and I will read it. I also got a book out of the library, and am starting to read it, "Violent Voices - 12 steps to freedom from emotional and verbal abuse" by Kay Porterfield. I discovered it thru the internet. thanks.

shelbeegirl - I will think of you too! Just yesterday? You are brave! Was he abusive to you? Mine was so mean....so very mean!!

Lass - sounds like your H? You know, the night before I told him that 'I couldn't move with him because of the way he treated me', he had closed himself (by himself) in his 18yr.son's room for the evening when we were supposed to go out to a movie, all because I told him that I had to do a quick email on the computer (to my son), and then we could look thru the paper and choose a movie. He was angry, took his car keys, driving his son to where he wanted to go (ONLY because he was angry that my attention went elsewhere for 10minutes), and when he got back, refused to look in the paper, and disappeared upstairs. It's very childish, punitive, and controlling!! I guess that did it for me.....I just couldn't see things getting any better. He NEVER apologized to me for any of the namecalling, or hurtful behaviors....never! I'll be thinking about you too!

December 18, 2005
9:08 am
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hurt and confused
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Hi Pretty in Pink,
I have not had your experience with any abuses but I do know of the pains of a broken heart. I just want you to know I am praying for your strength. Stay with us, it will help. They helped me with my issues. I am still growing...
Take care of yourself and know that you are worth more. We are here for a purpose and that purpose is not to be abused. It will take some time to move forward but you must. Stay strong. ((((HUGS)))))
Hurt

December 19, 2005
4:56 am
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Lass
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Pink,

You express yourself really well. And describe what his behaviors look like with great clarity. I really feel it, probably because I live it. It is as though most of the time their anger is only millimeters below the surface, ready to go off. And jealousy, games, control is how they try to make themselves feel safe and strong.

Good for you for having enough and moving on. I am still in the thick of it, trying to make a real go of it. I will go down knowing I did everything I could, and I hope it works.

Barring that, I hope I learn what I can control and what I can't. I hope I learn how to love the person simply because God made him, even though He didn't make him a sh*thead.

LL

December 26, 2005
12:36 am
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prettyinpink
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Lass,

I appreciate your message. I am sad to hear that you are midst the anguish of living with a N. I have to say, it's taken me a long time....and I STILL feel that I love my NH, but what I am facing, is that I love 'the IMAGE'. I always loved the image, cause I don't know who the real person is.

I just came upon a post here called, CURING NARCISSISM. It's long, but it's good. I still haven't finished it, but so appreciate what Garfield is sharing here. It's tough, because it's not dealing with ordinary ABUSE, it's N + Abuse, and that complicates things.

I fit right into this description of the 'partner' that Garfield talks about, and I am now looking after myself (and my sons). I do see now how I FED my NH, and why he adored me, UNTIL I disagreed with him, and said so. Big mistake with a N.....they always are right, they always know best, and it's 'their way or the highway'. I don't know if your H is a N, or just plain abusive, but take a look, you might find Garfield's info interesting.

Thinking of you, and Merry Christmas!!

December 27, 2005
11:18 am
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prettyinpink
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Today, I don't feel quite as strong. I'm ok, but I am starting to wonder why my NH hasn't called me. Is he just holding out till I 'weaken' and call him? or contact him? It hurts, it hurts alot, that after 12 years, and with what I tolerated with his abuse, that I just don't exist anymore for him.

I am holding up, but it hurts that he has just written me off. I am not in the wrong here, he is. I believe he is mentally ill. So, I guess, the question is, why would I want to be with someone like this. It's hard to let go of someone that I care about, even if he has been cruel to me. I guess I really didn't know him at all. Thanks for listening. Pink

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