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led on in relationship
March 17, 2009
5:40 pm
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thunderbird
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A man that I was dating in high school contacted me after 30 plus years. We dated for about one year. He was my first love as I was his. I agreed to meet him one evening. I knew that he was married, he did not try to hide that at all. After a few meetings, he was telling me that he loved me and wanted to be with me. One day, he told me that he was leaving his wife and wanted me to go away with him, just for an overnighter. The next day he went back to his wife. He said that he got confused and needed to get more of his things. I felt so betrayed and even worse guilty for I had slept with a married man. Since then, he promised to move out one weekend. Well, the weekend came and went and nothing. Now he talks about the end of the month. I basically have called the whole relationship off until he shows me divorce papers. Now we are not even speaking to each other. He swears that is was not a one night stand. But I still feel very used by his actions. I feel the need to put closure to this. I don't understand why he took so long to find me and then treat me like this. I am looking into counseling due to me not handling this very well at all.

I would appreciate any and all advice that anyone would give me.

Thank you.

March 17, 2009
5:52 pm
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CAMER
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aaah that sucks....i'd let this man go...fast, he is married, yes, he may not have "used" you, but he is still married. And i don't think he will get a divorce. Don't hang on to him, he is taken, and if you do hang on, he will basically be using you. You are better than that!

I'd do no contact, cuz this man may have known you from the past, but still he is married, he and you both may have felt vulnerable....but now is the time to end it...if he started off the relationship rushing into things, with loving you etc...then why is he married..he may be unhappy with his marriage but not enough to get a divorce. I'd have a hard time trusting this guy.

I wish you luck!!

March 17, 2009
6:46 pm
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_anonymous
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One cannot start a new relationship until they end the old one first.

It is best to get what you want from a man before you give him what he wants (sex).

You cannot go back and change the past. All you can do is chalk this up to experience and do things different in the future.

If a man is married and cheating he will do the same thing to you. A married man is not in a postion to be in any relationship other than the one he is already in.

This man cheated on his wife. He lied to you and used you.

Yes it hurts. I wonder how his wife feels about the betayal?

March 17, 2009
7:59 pm
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Anonymous
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I'm trying to say this in the nicest way possible but you played with fire, and you got burned. Dating a married person is not okay. A married man leaves his wife to go check out an old girlfriend - he was looking to find out if you were up to playing mistress, realized you thought you were getting the whole thing, and bounced. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh - I just don't know of any other way to write it as clearly.
I don't judge - I was in your position a few years ago. I started to ask myself why I thought it was acceptable for me to be with a married man. Today I feel that I deserve a man 100% - not already obligated to another woman. A part of it was also the thrill for me - getting the catch and then dumping him. I am honest in this post because I lived this life and it caused a lot of pain, not only to me but families and I feel guilt for that to this day. It's not right, regardless of what the guy says the status of the marriage is.

I'm sure you don't want to hear this right now but thank your lucky stars he bailed unless your looking for heartbreak. That kind of man will never give you what you deserve and expect in a relationship - love, integrity, honesty, commitment. You will save yourself a lot of trouble if you stick to guys with those traits, and single ones 😉

Best of luck,
-W

March 17, 2009
10:07 pm
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sincere2myself
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Thunderbird.

I am so glad i just tumbled onto your post. I too just reunited with an old high school flame. He is goin thru a divorce and they do not live together. I met up with him three weeks ago at his place and we had a nice time catching up and reminiscing.

Soon our evening turned physical and we ended up having sex. I was not intending to, but knew i would if the atmosphere was right.

I do not feel that he is ready for a relationship and I know I deserve someone that is in a position to committ. I sent him IM messages telling him that I do not feel comfortable with us having a sexual relationship and that i want him to call me only if he is not havig sexual thoughts.

I don't think this is realistic because we both have very strong sexual personalities and we have engaged in some of those in the last few weeks.

I had a dream last night that I was driving a car and it started rolling backwards and i pushed the brakes and it wouldn't stop, i tried the emergency brake and it wouldn't stop. Nothing I tried worked. I feel that the car represents me and while I may not be able to stop my self in dream land I know that I can in reality.

I dont know if this really helps or not..seems kind of ramdom with my thoughts.

March 18, 2009
11:44 am
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atalose
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AHHH first loves, high school sweethearts, reunited after 30 years---------it’s so romantic, fantasy like, the ultimate love story dreams are made of. It’s what many girls/woman dream of, the shining knight in armor coming to take us away. Like the old movie with Richard Gere and Officer and A Gentleman he comes back at the end and carries her away.

I think many of us at times have fallen into wanting that kind of love, problem is, and it really just doesn’t exist except in the movies.

You said you didn’t understand why he took so long to find you; I’m hearing that fantasy romance thing ringing. Most people reach out to what or who they know something familiar at first after a break up or thinking about straying the first person they reach out to is an old boyfriend/girlfriend, not so much romance as more predictability.

I think seeing a counselor is a wonderful idea for you, figure out why you were so drawn in to this whole situation. Build your self esteem, learn and understand red flags with people so that a situation like this doesn’t happen again leaving you feeling used and confused.

How to get closure is to ACCEPT this is not some fantasy love story and he’s no prince charming. You have no business being involved with him, he’s married, period.

I know you feel hurt, confused and hearing these things may feel harsh to you, no one here is here to cause further hurt or pain, only to help you with some painful truths.

Hang in there, you will survive this and be one hell of a stronger person.

((thunderbird))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 18, 2009
12:05 pm
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RobynB
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He may not have intentionally hurt you, but he is not ready to leave his married life. Right now, you are providing him with the appreciation he needs to feel better about himself, but she provides him with comfort and security and a sense of familiarity.

If it makes you feel better, issue an ultimatum like "you must move out, file for divorce or knowingly seperate from your wife before I will see you again."

And then don't hold your breath. While this was a great fantasy, it is simply that. Don't sell yourself short by settling for a relationship that is less than meaningful to both you and your partner. Your real Prince Charming will show up before you know it!

March 18, 2009
2:56 pm
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Anonymous
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I have to add that I highly doubt this guy had any intention of leaving his wife at any point in time. His pattern suggests he likes his side action to stay just that... on the side.

Good luck

March 18, 2009
4:38 pm
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thunderbird
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I want to thank everyone that has responded so far. I really do appreciate the time that everyone gave me and the comments and advice.

I have since heard from this guy and he wants to remain in contact. He says that he loves me but the timing is just not right for either of us. I told him that the timing may not be right for him because my life has been destroyed because of all his lies. That leads me to my next question. Why do men lie so much? I know that it is not right to generalize but I have not met a man that has not lied. I should have known that this guy was a loser. And I should have listened to what my friends were telling me about this situation. He told me not to listen to what my friends were telling me because they did not know our situation.

UGGGGGGGG I am just so frustrated!! And I seem to be going deeper into depression and back to my old ways which is not healthy. I cannot afford counseling after checking into some. So please help me!!

Thanks so very much.

March 18, 2009
5:28 pm
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truthBtold
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Tbird,

Hey - don't beat yourself up too badly about this one - afterall, you were able to pretty much nip this one in the bud in just a short time - right?

Not like having something like this drag on and on for years and years and then you finally see it for what it is....you know?

Your blanket question of 'why do men lie so much?' - it's not all men.

Just certain ones.

Good for you for seeing these red flags so soon.

All par for the fricking course......

See, my thinking is that after so much hurt and betrayal, we eventually wake up enought to smell the coffee and change what we are willing to accept and not accept in a relationship with nary an apology.

We develop EXPECTATIONS of just exactly how we should and should not be treated in a relationship.

Period.

Then...when you do that for yourself - you kind of just naturally attract these same healthy traits from others as well.

(That's what I have kind of learned anyway....)

March 18, 2009
5:30 pm
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Anonymous
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Well to be blunt, (I am good at that 😉 why would you want to stay in contact with a man that has lied to you repeatedly? What's the point? So he can further string you along? Or get you at another vulnerable moment to get his needs fulfilled?

I say drop him, erase all ties to him (phone, email, profiles, etc) and move on. Some men lie because they can, and because there are women that want to believe them instead of seeing the truth. There are lots of great men out there that don't lie, but you have to learn to find it. Talking to a married man will not get you there, that I promise.

Good luck, and hugs. Sorry this guy treated you badly, you didn't deserve it. We live and learn, right?

-W

March 18, 2009
11:04 pm
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_anonymous
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Thunderbird- You ask why men lie? Cause they can and because women reward them for it. A skilled man learns that all he needs to do is come up with the right words and a woman will drop her drawers.

A smart female will not listen to a word that a man says and watch what he does. She will not trust what he says, she will trust what he does. She will not give him what he wants until she gets what she wants first.

If a man says he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you please realize that you can not live on words alone. Tell him to go to the jewelry store and show you what he means. If you listen to his words and give him sex he will have no motivation to do another thing for you.

Sorry you had to go through this with this man.

March 25, 2009
1:24 pm
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sexychoclady
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i so agree with destinystar..first sign was he was married,lying to the wife..what makes the girl on the side any better. i have to get me some guidelines to live by and they are not open for debate..rule number one no married men.

March 25, 2009
1:52 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi thunderbird:

Sorry you had to experience that but sounds like you now see it for what it was.

I'd like to reccommend a great book for you- its called "How to Spot a Dangerous Man before you get involved" by Sandra Brown. You could urchase one thru Amazon. There's a whole chapter on why to NOT date married/ separated men- its called being emotionally unavailable. Period.

We deserve to have men that are available and want to be with us, not men who are testing the waters for their next move, or adding a little something on the side for THEIR enjoyment and amusement, when they feel like it. They aren't committed to really finding someone, they're committed to having flings and superficial "relationships" for distraction from their own miserable situations. They want their cake (the maariage) and eat it too ( YOU)/US!). They'll string you along as long as it suits them and doesn't get too complicated.

I broke my own rules and dated a separated guy earlier this year. As time went on and I kept asking questions, I found out that the "immenent" divorce he had first told me about wasn't going to happen. His wife (who was a lesbian)had moved out but he wanted stay married to her since he'd been divorced before and didn't want to go thru that again, his wife was his best friend, he didn't want to give up living with his kids- blah, blah, blah. So basically he lied from the begiining and I nailed him on it. Plus he was prowling dating sites constantly so wasn't exactly "into me". I cut him lose.

So, lesson learned. Now I KNOW for myself why it is recommended to not date married men. In fact the Dangerous Man book says these types can be almost the most dangerous (emotionally) because they don't seem overtly dangerous and can sluip under our radar. But they can certainly do damage to us, if we let them.

sd

March 25, 2009
3:26 pm
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atalose
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I couldn’t agree more with walkawayndon’tlookback, why would you want to stay in contact with this guy?

Destinystar is right, they lie and often are rewarded for it, like remaining friends and staying in contact with him would be rewarding him.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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