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Leave now or wait? - a new thread
December 29, 2003
4:14 pm
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artist 2
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Oh, one other thing... whenever something goes wrong, Bf says it's HIS house and these are HIS rules. That I abide by certain behaviors in his house. Isn't that a little controlling, considering I'm paying RENT to live there?

Granted I've done some pretty inappropriate things in front of his son, like arguing right in from of him and engaging in passive/agressive behaviors like slamming doors.

But even so, does he have a right to demand they way I will act and be because it's HIS HOUSE??

December 29, 2003
4:15 pm
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artist 2
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I sit here and read this, and the independent side of me thinks "bullshit!" and it makes it easier to leave... then the heart part of me gets all mushy. Why does that happen and how can I prevent it from stopping me from leaving?

December 29, 2003
4:16 pm
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artist 2
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Do women like me ever find someone to settle down with? Why can't I just be OK the way I am?

December 29, 2003
5:22 pm
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Zinnie
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Artist,

That puts a new spin on things. If you are really sure that you want out, if you have made that final decision, then it's time to go without prolonging the process.

If he is pulling the "It's my house" that to me is a big sign of controlling. My Dad! Matter of fact, my Father made the comment to me not once by twice (regarding both marriages), "well you have to do as your husband tells you - since you are living in THEIR house!"

Not long ago, I did something (don't remember what), and my Dad commented "well, is S (husband) going to put up with that, you know you only work part time." I mean come on, I'm also going through treatment.

When I told my husband about this last remark - it was only a few weeks ago; he replied "you know what... you are my wife, it's OUR life, you keep the house immaculate, we can eat off the floors, the laundrey is always done, you cook like a gourmet, you run all the household errands so I don't have to worry about it. I make more than enough money for both of us and our needs and obligations, so they do NOT need to worry about it."

So, the answer to your question, is yes, there are people that you can have a relationship with, who will understand. It has to be a cooperative relationship. Having one partner pull the "this is my house" - that is not a partnership.

Zinnie

December 29, 2003
5:25 pm
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artist 2
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That is bullshit, Zinnie. What right do they have?? Sooooo glad you have that husband!

But ,it literally IS his house - I don't have a share in the mortgage, but I do pay him "rent". Does that make any difference? I wonder if we had gotten married, would he still pull the "it's my house" routine...

December 29, 2003
5:33 pm
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Zinnie
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If you are paying rent, you are contributing to the household.

Oh, I know, no kidding huh? When I told my husband that, he said "why would he think that?" I had to tell him part of it is cultural (Hispanic), but a part of it is my Father's controlling.

Yes, I rather like my husband. When I got to work today (for the next four months, I'm working almost full time), my boss looked at my bracelet my husband gave me and said "can you will me that man? He is such a sweetie!" Trust me I count my blessings each day with him, we have had a good and happy marriage.

You can have the same, you are so above this!

Love,

Zinnie

December 29, 2003
6:36 pm
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artist 2
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Yeah, thanks... have a good one. You're so lucky!

December 29, 2003
7:39 pm
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Squeezles
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I get the "this is MY house" stuff too. When we're happy it's "our house, our things", when we're not it's "HIS house, things. Get out of MY house". Talk about making you feel like you're worthless, unwanted and just don't fit in. I hate the 'push pull' kind of game where you have to be 'good' to warrant living in THEIR house or you're out (talk about making you feel like you're living with your parents!). The one difference between our situations is that as I am a full time student so he pays the bills (my contribution is to pay for my own personal wants, chip in money where I can and do most of the housework). In some sense BF's comments to me are justified (although he knew and has agreed to the situation many times before and since I moved in), but I think considering you are financially contributing to the household he is being unfair. Especially as you're engaged right? That's a sign of working towards a partnership. Surely the 'yours' and 'mine' boundaries get somewhat blended at that point? It seems like he's using the 'mine' and 'ours' categories at times when and in ways that suit HIM not you or the both of you as a couple.

We've all seen you struggle with this relationship and situation for months. We've seen you bend over backwards and twist yourself around to try and make this situation work, to help out BF and his son and keep everyone happy. You've stated many times that you're not happy and you're needs aren't getting met. Seems to me like you've done more than can be expected. Perhaps it's time to start looking out for 'you' now. Don't be trapped by feelings of 'guilt' if you're needs and happiness are going to be yet again silenced.

December 29, 2003
7:57 pm
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gingerleigh
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In my relationship, we did the "my house, my rules" dance ALL the time. Only in this case, it was MY house and he was the one who was intruding, not playing by my rules, etc. We weren't married, heck, we weren't even living together but I was not prepared to make that commitment to turn the "you and me" into "we". On some level, I think I was always counting on things to sour, and I even went so far as to make sure that anything that BF left at the house I knew exactly where it was so that I could oust him at any moment. I felt like I had worked so hard to get what I had, and to see him or anyone treat it the way that was less respectful than I would treat it (and trust me, that is a tough standard to reach) would throw me into a tizzy.

Thankfully, that has changed. We had a lot of stressors that snapped us into the mode we needed to be in, for a real partnership. And it helps that we are making real plans to get a place of our own in a few years, laying all of our plusses and minuses on the table and figuring out how to build a nestegg together. A year ago I would not have been able to do this, I was not ready. What both you and Squeezles are describing here are people who are very afraid of turning "you and me" into "we". Doesn't necessarily mean it isn't possible, but that sounds like the place that they are.

Squeezles, I know you've got school that you're trying to finish up before you make up your mind on your next big adventure, whether it involves your boyfriend or not. I know you're in a tough spot.

Artist, if all of the other issues weren't present, I would ask if you and he have discussed getting a place together, rather than staying in "his" house. Because whether or not you're paying rent, it is still his place. You didn't put the downpayment on it (as far as I know). You didn't pick it out (as far as I know). You didn't live there the entire time he has (as far as I know). Just like paying rent on a condo in the city doesn't make that condo yours, you're just living there with approval you bought from the owner for a while. You still have to abide by the rules of the owner, like not having pets or not painting the walls a god awful shade of blue... if your boyfriend were further down the road of wanting to commit and live a life with you (and there are varying levels of commitment readiness and we all move through those stages), the "his house his rules" thing would be long gone, a thing of the past. But it sounds like he just isn't there, at least not now.

December 29, 2003
8:04 pm
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mj
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But it is possible....The secret is to believe in yourself enough to make it happen. Our home became my home when I decided it was my home too 🙂

Artist....Only you know what you need. Reach deep within and decide or choose to wait until you are clearer.

Each one of us has our own timer if we listen to it.

December 29, 2003
9:02 pm
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Squeezles
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Ginger - I agree with you. So much harder (but like MJ says, not impossible) to make it 'our' home when it 'belonged' to one first. And I can see why you'd be less willing to make the transition into 'our' stuff if you weren't living together with BF and you had purchased your possessions before he came on the scene.

With my BF, we 'moved out' at the same time. We both had next to nothing so, apart from the basic stuff you have from when you're a kid that you bring with you, everything we have is new. Stuff we bought together (either he paid, I paid or we paid) - nevertheless we both choose it together, so we don't have the "OMG what's he doing to my couch" as we both paid half for it. Actually that's a good point. I think he forgets that I did actually pay cash for half the cost of the furniture and that was several 1000 $ and I have actually purchased quite a bit of the general household bits and pieces.

I don't think for him it's so much as a 'not wanting to make the transition into 'our' stuff'. I don't think that's his (ahh MY bf's problem). I think more it's about control for him and him feeling that he 'can't do what HE wants in HIS house'. I'm starting to deal with stuff by thinking about each thing as "Is this really important to my life? Is it really worthwhile to make a big deal about it?" If not, I'm learning to 'let it go' and accept it.

December 30, 2003
8:48 am
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eve
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Artist,

I followed your posts for quite a while now. You seem to be swinging. From "I'm so happy, now I'm committed to (or he has changed to...)" to "I'll be leaving now, I can't take this any longer". For me this makes it very difficult to give any advice, because it seems that these have to be separate realities. Being so unhappy that you can't take it any longer, and beeing committed and working on living together seem to change every two weeks. So neither can be the whole story (at least for me it couldn't be). I think that you need to take a closer look on your situation, and how you feel in it. If the situation is what is causing those swings - get out of the situation. If it is some other problem, that maybe stems from your childhood - you'll propably get out of this situation right into the next that is the same.

Which one is it?

And how can you work on finding out? I can't really be much of help there, because I don't know you. You propably know yourself best.

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