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LCV is trying to make sense of a new direction
February 23, 2004
1:11 pm
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LCV
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September 24, 2010
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Hi all,

Well I filed for divorce on Friday. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done. My husband did not react in any of the ways that people told me he would. He did not freak out, or go crazy, or try to hurt me or our home....he has cried and asked many questions, and ask me not to...but I did and he is still being nice.
We are now looking at this in a different light. I told him that we have 6 months to see how this will play out. He has an appointment with a psych doctor to get some medication (Paxil maybe), he will continue with individual therapy and will start anger management classes. He is determined that he can change. I am hopeful, but realistic. I know that the odds are he will not change....but of course I hope that he can. Does anyone have an experience to relay to me that actually did work out? Do you know anyone that said they would change and ACTUALLY did?
Right now I am confused how to proceed....

February 23, 2004
1:25 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi LCV,

I have a really good story - of change, and I will be happy to share it with you. However, it's really long and I'm in a seminar at work today - so I will get to it tonight when I get home O.K.

In the meantime - please don't let your defenses down. I know I often sound like a broken record - but though your marriage is important - so is your safety. Again, I will write the whole story later.

One note - if he has anger issues - and I don't know what all the trial results are - but I was on Paxil for a while, and it made me ANGRY! I mean really really angry. When I talked to my Dr. about this he said that there was some evidence in the trials that indicated in increase in rage. So, just putting that out there for you to pass on to him.

Keep your resolve - stay living with your Father. If he is really willing to work it out, you will still be there. If this is another holding tactic - you are that much closer to the goal of being free.

Z.

February 23, 2004
1:33 pm
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LCV
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Zinnie,
That is EXACTLY what I told him. If he DOES do the work and truly change, I will be there...if not I will be through the hard part of leaving and on my way to a different path. Thank you for the support, I will look for your story tomorrow...Have a great day!!! : )

February 24, 2004
2:32 am
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Zinnie
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Hi LCV,

Just looked at the time and I see why I'm so tired... so bear with me, and if this does not make sense - let me know and I will clarify.

Anyway - I have a dear friend of mine who was in the same position you are now. Except her husband was an alcholic. She finally had ENOUGH - and did what she needed to do and filed for a divorce. He became more violent, and she had to file for a restraining order, etc.

Then, he called and was "willing to do anything to have her back." She did not bend - she had been down this route too many times to count. Anyway, she did divorce him. Once she did that, he realized how much he had really lost. He came to her and said what do I need to do to get you back. She told him 1. stop drinking, get help. 2. no more beating me. 3. get a job, and keep it. 4. be responsible, pay your bills first, instead of drinking your paycheck.

He joined AA. He started going to a support group for men who beat their wives. He got a job, did good work, got promoted. He began to pay his bills, and paid the back child support he owed.

That was 17 years ago. They got back together 15 years ago. He still goes to AA, still goes to the support group for men who are abusive, he has been continuously promoted, he has become a devoted father and grandfather.

HOWEVER, he has not become a good husband. Why? She will not remarry him. She said that if she does, it give him back "the power" - is that true - well, maybe not because he really has changed. They are still together. They love each other more now than ever before. He treats her like a Queen. But, she had to do all of that to finally get him to see the damage he had caused not only her, but the family as well.

Will they ever get re-married? I don't know. But, he does know - that one screw up - he is gone. He is a changed man - and I wish them all the best. But, she has done what she needed to do.

So, like I said - you do what it is you need to do. Hey, it might lead to the change he needs to make. But... don't fall for it just yet.

Hoping you are O.K. today.

Z.

February 24, 2004
11:21 am
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LCV
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Thank you Zinnie,

That is a success story. It's not often that you hear those.
I will take each day one at a time and see where it leads us. Thank you for continuing to help. I hope you are well today. Please take care Z.

LCV

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