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Last Letter Lament ~Lass
January 8, 2006
4:51 pm
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Lass
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You might also note that Anam Cara has singled me out for some talk time. This kind of attention just floors me, and my vulnerability to attention and affection is just fucking incredible. I am a piece of work. Left alone too damn long. I feel like all I do is work hard at my chores inside and outside, and exercise to keep my sanity. I am still a mixed-up shook-up girl. All these many years. Still. Yikes!

LL

January 8, 2006
5:41 pm
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Mishy2sons
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Yeah, me too: "...my vulnerability to attention and affection is just f***ing incredible."

I need to get back to my exercise to keep my sanity! I've been slouching off lately. It shows body wise too.

Who is Anam Cara?

Something about you is drawing people these days. Strength? Vulnerability? Sex appeal? A warm glow? A magnet? Static electricity? Sticky tape? (Just trying - and probably failing - to be funny with the last few.)

January 8, 2006
5:48 pm
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Lass
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Oh, laughing... it feels so good. Duck tape ~ you forgot duck tape.

January 9, 2006
1:40 am
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Lass
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Mishy,

Go read the Pax thread.

January 9, 2006
12:34 pm
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kathygy
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yeah, I know I actually posted a prayer on the support threads. A very non-sectarian prayer.

Its really not a contraduction as it seems. I never said I object to people praying. I have no problem with praying its just when it gets too christian or religious that i feel like it doesn't belong here.

Alos, I was feeling a lot of empathy for Lass because I know how very, very hard and painful quiting smoking can be. I've been through it and always feel happy to hear people wanting to quit because of the extreme health consequences of smoking.

January 9, 2006
7:52 pm
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Lass
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I loved it Kathyg. It was a heartfelt act of concern for me, and I simply loved it. We only razzed you about it because we love you.

LL

January 9, 2006
7:57 pm
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Lass
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On other matters.... I think that I have been trying to break free from exbf (R.) so badly, that I was willing to compormise myself, ANYTHING, to get free. I now see it as replacing. This is a dangerous action on my part. Better to do the work. I am feeling lots closer with my husband. We went to the grocery store together, and had a very pleasant time. He is taking great care to not yell at me. I think on some level, he was always terrified that when I got this money I would bail on him. His confidence seems restored on this point. Of course, I have not yet given it to him, so my full confidence in this is not quite there. He can treat me nicely to get what he wants, also, and has a history of this. But, I am not willing to change my whole life at this present moment. I have been begging him to not go away again on this buying trip, but the best I can get is a week off between this and the next month gone. It will have to do. I need my husband around more now to protect me from my wild side, my ranging neediness for male attention.

LL

January 9, 2006
8:09 pm
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elizabeth anne
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Seems to me if you are wanting affection outside of the marriage, there is a problem with the marriage. If you were truelly happy in the marriage you would not be thinking of others outside the marriage. That tells me you may not find the happiness you deserve in what you have now. You can wish it, pray for it, work on it. But can you honestly say you can be happy and content in what you have now? Maybe comfertable, I sense an unsettling emotion that hasn/t been met. What it really comes down to is either finding the feelings for H or moving on. One of my favorite quotes "Life is Simple" because no matter how complicated life becomes it always comes down to either a yes or no answer.

January 9, 2006
8:59 pm
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Mishy2sons
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Wow! Lass, you are so wise and have such a gift for introspection!

I'll look for the PAX thread.

January 9, 2006
9:26 pm
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Mishy2sons
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Lass, I am so glad things are going better between you and your husband. Maybe we could start a brothel 'cause I am as much a "harlot" as you ever were.

I've learned the hard way not to judge others. I've ended up doing nearly everything I ever swore I wouldn't do. One of those things I want to share with you some day. If I correctly understood something you mentioned on a thread a while back, you'll understand.

I am still a little confused about Anam Cara because I could only get the posts since Jan. 6th. The beginning was dropped. Oh well ... an interesting exchange from what I could see.

Kathy, I agree with you. I am not really offended by others praying or mentioning their beliefs. I do consider myself a spiritual person, but perhaps not traditionally so. I very stongly believe in freedom of religion.

January 9, 2006
9:42 pm
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Lass
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Egad, Mishy! Not another novel waiting to be borne! Your life is wilder than even mine ever was. Well, almost.... and if we were to ever trade stories, I have little doubt I could match you. But you have come out of left field more than once already, to coolly reveal something really.. shall we say *intimate*. You have taken me aback a couple times, with your research librarian's exterior!

Allright, out with it. I doubt you have done anything I haven't. Double dare ya'.

LL

January 9, 2006
9:54 pm
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Mishy2sons
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Oh Lass, This is really something heart wrenching. I might write about it someday, if I ever get up the courage. I think it is something you have done too, if I understood correctly.

Still, you made me smile with your post.

I am afraid to say it and have righteous people jumping all over me. I also don't want to take over this thread and I am afraid this revelation would.

You can read it here:
http://www.aheartbreakingchoic.....rdson.html
(this version is a little messed up - not edited)

January 10, 2006
1:25 am
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Lass
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Oh Mishy darlin',

You are welcome to tell anything here. I am getting over this exbf as well as can be expected, and it doesn't even hurt me to see the letter here, though I have reread it many times.

I read. Your last line is so true. Your only real solace is that you didn't spread the potential pain around. I wish that I had been stronger at a younger age, and not made choices based on fear of the expectations of my parents and their judgment of me. With far less justification than you, I did this three times. I was drinking alcoholically in those few years.

I think that it has haunted my whole life and made me feel broken and mistaken and not good enough. It was one of many mistakes I have made, and been forgiven for. I have a measure of peace, and that seems far more than my due. Yet, I continue to reach for love, life, laughter, recovery, healing, connectedness.

You are a precious, precious, child of God, sweets. I wish you were here to hug. I told my son today, while cutting his hair, that life is incredibly dangerous, but being afraid of it doesn't make it any safer. Might as well put yourself out there and live.

LL

January 10, 2006
6:52 am
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Mishy2sons
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Thanks Lass!

The novelist Ayelet Waldman (married to Pulitzer winner Michael Chabon) wrote this:

"A woman who is unwillingly pregnant, whose pregnancy at, say, 10 weeks, is nothing more than a source of desperation, of misery, knows one truth and we must respect it and honor it. A pregnant woman whose 4-month-old fetus has Down syndrome knows another truth, and we must respect that, too. A pregnant woman whose batterer kicks her in the stomach, trying to end her baby's life, knows another truth. Respecting the truths of these pregnant women allows us to deal in shades of gray, to liberate ourselves from the straitjacket of the black and white."

This is part of a longer essay she wrote coming to terms with her own decision.

We do what we have to do to survive.

Hugs to you,
Mishy

January 10, 2006
1:15 pm
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Lass
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Yep. I really toyed with that one as I married my first husband. He said he would kill me if I killed my baby, and I feared him. But I left him, breifly , and determined that I would give it everything I had, and if it didn't work, I would shoulder the responsibility myself, and I have. How much easier it all would have been to have just aborted. The man intentionally got me pregnant. It was questionably intentionally a rape, it was an definitely intentional impregnation. He knew he would own me, or at least be able to control someone like me, at that point.

I don't judge you in the least. And I did the best I could with what I knew and who I was at the time.

LL

January 11, 2006
4:44 pm
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Mishy2sons
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Oh Lass, How horrible to be raped by your own husband! I can see how you would have reservations about sending your son off to live with his father. It is a good thing he has had all this time with you teaching him to respect others.

My hubby is so grouchy. I guess 'cause he isn't drinking and 'cause he is scared after what happened. I can hardly stand him, he is so mean. I am going to keep trying to put up with it, but I don't know if I can take years of this, if it keeps up. He is still confused too. I wonder if he doesn't have bit of alcoholic dementia.

January 13, 2006
1:57 pm
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Mishy2sons
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Lass,
How is it going now? Did your husband leave on the buying trip?

January 13, 2006
11:11 pm
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Lass
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No honey. Ironically, I pressed to have him stay, to do some work around here, spend some time with my son, and grow closer to me before I lose him utterly. He is home for two weeks, well I guess another ten days now.

Thanks for keeping tabs on me, sweets. I know you get me. Same back. At least yours can't run!!!

LL

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