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Last Letter Lament ~Lass
January 5, 2006
4:19 pm
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Lass
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Kathyg,

You may be right; I may be right, too. His ability to learn anything from me, no matter how forcefully the message is sent, is pretty slim.

However, the healing power of love has a way of infiltrating even the most broken person.

I won't deny that part of me is still laying on the ground before him with all this pain. But I am slowly standing up. I have even made a rough attempt at quitting smoking today. Still going, but we'll see!

Anyway, I do appreciate your enthusiastic concern for taking care of ME. That's the good part!

Yes, Shaney, I sent it on my b'day. No reply, not expecting anything. Thanks for being there for me.

Mishy, you are such a sweetheart girl. I won't forget either yours or Shaney's.

LL

January 5, 2006
4:23 pm
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Shaney
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Wow Lass - you're attempting to quit smoking too? You're just cleaning house aren't you? Good luck with all of it - it's not easy, but well worth the fight in the long run. You only have one heart and soul... take care of them both. When is your h due back? Did your son have a decent time with his dad?

January 5, 2006
6:16 pm
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Lass
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Husband due back on 9th, home for one day, then gone for over a month, home briefly gone a month, repeat until lonely enough to do what I did.

Son is nearing age to want to live with his dad.

I figured I might as well gain some advantage to the grief and pain, as long as I was going through it, why not double-up.

Still holding.

LL

January 5, 2006
10:56 pm
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Lass
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Big fight with son tonight... All hell blowing up as it really is time for him (he's 12) to move on by the end of next year (age 14). We really had a big screamiing match to get to this place of acceptance, but okay. He is very stubborn. I fought from when he was 7 until 11 to keep him with me, only to have his dad turn him around, mostly with enticements and mentally trashing me. I finally told my son a few things he needed to know about his dad. I said that I kept him to protect him. If he is old enough to be respectful to me, he can go. Not until I see that respect for me as a female. If he comes back and is just snarky, forget it.

Anyway, very emotional day. STill no smoke, but boy that puppy is about to slide around. I am kinda hatin' life a good bit, but being' honest and real.... I don't much like my son's company anymore. I have done my part. He's into guy games on the electronic toys he has, and I hate those. He doesn't like sports, and I love those. We have just become different people. He's not the little guy who loved to look at tidepools with mom anymore. It's sad. But the way the ball bounces. Not in my court. If I blew it, it's too late now. I know I hammered at him too much about school and chores, two things he struggles with a great deal. I have been both a good and bad parent.

I wanted all day just to curl up in a ball. And cry.

January 5, 2006
11:42 pm
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Shaney
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Even I want to have a cigarette after reading about your day, and I don't even smoke. Jeez... kids. You know, with or without your ex's Lass-bashing, there would probably have been a time that your son would want to move in with him. I think that's just the way it goes. I did the same thing when I was 16 - I fled to my dad's for millions of reasons. There was nothing wrong with my mom, I was just needing my dad, I guess. When I had arguements with my mom, I'd run to dad. When I lived with my dad, I'd spend a bunch of time over at my mom's. Kid's, who are discovering everything for the first time, ALWAYS think the grass is greener. What they don't realize, is that the grass has to be cut and watered on the other side too. Stand your ground, Lass - it sounds like you did. Demanding respect and not backing down, will get you through this. He'll come around, and eventually find his way through all of this. And stay away from those cigarettes, if possible.

Tomorrow is another day - and i'll pray that it's a better one for you and your son :o)

January 6, 2006
8:50 am
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Mishy2sons
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Lass,
Wow! You are quiting smoking on top of everything else! You are brave!

I understand a little of what you are going through with your son. My older boy will be 12 in May. Our relationship is definitely different these days. It is sad in a way, but good to see him growing and becoming independant. I have the same thing you do with his interests being so dissimilar to mine.

January 6, 2006
11:15 am
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Lass,

Yes, there can be a very powerful healing power to love in many, many situations but not always. There are many people who are not capable of receiving love. Love does nothing for these people. A person has to want to change.

In my past long ago, I tried changing men with my love and got zero results.

I believe its a misconception to think that love will make a difference to an abuser. So often I've heard the belief that if I love him enough he will change or heal. In most cases I believe this is pure fantasy.

People could flood a terrorist with love but that won't change a thing. All the love in the world would have make no difference to Hitler, the ultimate abuser to say the least.

January 6, 2006
12:52 pm
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Lass
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I think that even Hitler had a kind and loving spot for Eva Braun. But, in general, you might sadly be correct. However, I have seen so much healing from finding a way into someone's interior, finding a way in to love them. Usually it is the way it is expressed that can't find entrance with a certain individual that prevents any good effect. However, I do recognize the trap you mention of thinking that my love could change him. Expecting to change anyone is a bad motive.

Please keep me in your prayers about stopping smoking!!! I have had two with coffee this a.m., and have set them down now. Starting over this very moment.

And Mishy, I had nightmares last night about my son, as an infant. Losing him, falling or nearly falling from a high place. Really awful. I guess I am coming to terms with losing him to his dad. I am really processing some heavy duty crap these days. The depth of my grief over R. is profound.

Ironically, I am finding my attractability with other men at an all time high. I think that my "I'm vulnerable" sign is flashing in neon or something. Or maybe has been upgraded to, "Holy cow but I have never been so vulnerable." Of course that would have to be an LED kind of sign because it is too wordy.

LL

January 6, 2006
3:58 pm
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kathygy
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Lass,

congratulations on taking steps to quit smoking. I know how very hard it can be but it is worth every ounce of suffering now for your health down the road.

You can do it! Never give up! I'm saying a prayer for you right now. God, quickley remove the urge to smoke from Lass. Carry her through the tough times to the other side.
Thank you.

January 6, 2006
4:03 pm
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artist 2
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So, why is it ok for you to post thoughts to your issue person, and it's not ok for me to do so? That's what I did in "thought stream..."

January 6, 2006
5:01 pm
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Lass
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Artist2:

Please discuss this on one thread, instead of hopping about, okay? And my subject is that of support related matter... right on topic. NOT religious argument about proper Christian behavior. It has already been attributed to me that I am a harlot.

LL

January 6, 2006
5:06 pm
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artist 2
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You are so missing what I am saying...

My point is that you posted a letter intended for someone else to read--not a visitor to these boards, but an ex. I did the very same thing.

If I am preaching to those of us visiting the boards, that's a completely different matter. It just so happens that the word "Christia*" appeared in the message.

If you are so apt to guard the boards from evil intentions, then why don't you make sure you understand before you attack?

Again I defend myself against your obvious and self-rightous misunderstanding.

January 6, 2006
9:42 pm
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LOL!

kathygy - saying a prayer - that post should be framed!

Lass- sorry, but I will leave my prayer for later on when you will be on the other side: I never pray, unless thanking for something.

January 6, 2006
9:49 pm
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Shaney
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Matteo - I can't believed that I missed that post... that is the post of the year, undoubtedly.

Kathygy - are you okay? I think your split personality was present on the post above... We might have to take this to lib brew. Ha!!

I'm just playing with you Kathgy - I hope you don't take offense to me kidding around at your expense. No harm intended, really. :o)

Lassoo girl - any updates? How are you feeling?

January 6, 2006
10:21 pm
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Well, I am trying to see my success rather than my failure. Praise what is right and good. I did better yesterday, but I am definitely warming up to this stop smoking thang as never before. I will begin fresh tomorrow. I think this is totally do-able. Not even hard, really, unless I trip out on emotions like anger or frustration.

Tomorrow is another day.

Thanks for the support~ I can feel Kathyg's prayer doing the trick.... (heh!)

I am definitely of better humor, though the reason for it is under the questionable category. I have allowed the (strictly approriate) befriending of exbf's old sponsor. We each would like someone to be kind to.... and that is a risk, of course, but I already feel a little less under bondage to R.

Now, I need Kathyg to pray for me to be careful and not a harlot.... In all sincerity.

LL

January 6, 2006
10:51 pm
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Lass,

I am thrilled for the positive things that are going on in your life...quiting smoking, feeling better despite what happened with hubby.

I like your thread, there is so much humor that took place here that made me giggle.

Keep us posted!

January 6, 2006
11:52 pm
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Lass
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Going out tonight to meeting and coffee with him tonight, so will check in at bedtime. Thanks for finding it funny. I love that. ((((((Ras))))))

LL

January 7, 2006
12:54 am
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Shaney
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Take each day for what it is, and make the best of it - get through it, and be as thankful as you can for your blessings. Count your blessing out loud - state them and count them. There is something about doing that, that makes all of the bad seem very small in comparison.

Diversions are good Lass, but I'm going to be the angel on your shoulder, reminding you that there is a devil that has your number, on your other shoulder. Make good choices (not that you wouldn't) and rid yourself of the inner conflict that you've experienced in the not so distant past. I'll be right there barking in your ear, my friend. I'm glad you're feeling better and know that I'm thinking of you and praying as hard as kathy is. :o) Toodles

January 7, 2006
5:42 am
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Very late. Stayed late after meeting with very special group of people. Lots of laughter. Very healing. Sponsor-man (we'll call him S) was very funny, as usual. He was wonderful. He called to check on me, and to let me know he would be late. He said he was gentle and would not harm me. He asked me if I wanted him to bring me anything. He kissed my fingertips and held my hands when he said goodbye. He said he loves me. I have known him for about two years... and had an attraction that whole time that stayed on the back burner. It will remain there, but is being brought up enough to break the bond with R. I cried some. I will have to set strong boundaries here, as I have done with him in the past. This could very easily go out of bounds, despite best intentions. But what we are really after is simply someone who cares. Some human kindness. A small gesture of affection. It could easily hurtle out of control with me... I have become so afraid of myself. I could have something deeper with my husbad if he were attentive and present. I told him I had only smoked a few cigarettes and he said nothing.

LL

January 7, 2006
2:37 pm
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Lass
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Okay, Shaney, I totally am open to your direct direction. I know you have my best interest at heart. I sometimes do incredibly dumb things. I know that the best thing to do is bring up the love in my own marriage, and I have. The biggest problem I am running into is that it is soooooo difficult to sustain the connection with my husband when he is gone. We talk on the phone every day, but it is hard to find a topic that isn't business. When he is away from me, he loses the sense of me, the way narcissists do. And then his emotional responses are just not present. When he is here, he crash lands for awhile, sometimes it even takes two-three weeks, and then we begin again, always starting over, never going deep. No sustaining. Always beginning over. Always losing touch. It is his plan entirely to do his life this way. He never even consulted with me about it. Just goes his own way. Then he accuses me of going my own way. I don't even know what he means. I just cope the best I can.

Well, I want to say, today, "Who's Rusty?" after having spent just one evening laughing and touching another human. Unfortunately, as fixes go, this one is dangerous. This is a very kind man, and not dysfunctional to the degree I have known at all. Comparatively healthy and strong as a person. But the need between the two of us is already strong and apparent. We are two adults who have spent a huge amount of time alone in our marriages. We are both very open but very vulnerable. It will be hard to do this, really hard, as my feelings are already rising up strong and pressing.

LL

January 7, 2006
3:31 pm
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Shaney
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I know you're doing the best you can to get through this life as you've come to know it. The fact that your h is gone constantly, pushes you in the direction of seeking the love and companionship, that you're lacking with your h... even when your h IS here. I completely understand your conflict and your frustrations... I do I do I do. In my mind, because of your situation, I think you should keep searching for the love your life and persue whatever makes you happy regardless of how if affects your marriage as you know it to be. In my heart, which is where God rules the roost (most of the time) that is where my strongest direction comes from. It always seems like the best advice I can offer when I speak from what I know is right in God's eyes... but it's often the hardest row to hoe, and I know that - especially because your marriage isn't typical, to say the least. I want it to work for all the right reasons, as I'm sure that you do, but I know that the odds are stacked against you where your marriage is concerned. And so, this leaves you in a tough position - needing what isn't given to you because of the circumstances, and who you are with. SO - I understand, and will always do my best to give you sound advice - even if what I really want is for you to wear that scarlet letter with pride! I'm not perfect... and have worn the letter myself from time to time :o). Be as right as you possible can, but be happy - and I'll be happy for you.

January 7, 2006
8:04 pm
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Mishy2sons
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"Ironically, I am finding my attractability with other men at an all time high. I think that my "I'm vulnerable" sign is flashing in neon or something."

Lass, I wonder if it isn't just the opposite. You are discovering an inner stength and blossoming as a strong, wise and independant woman. Men sense that and want your for it. Your "goddess power" is alluring.

So sorry to hear about the nightmare. I can see why you had it. It is so sad to watch them grow up and drift away.

My G. Is very close to his father and sometimes verbaly abuses me in imitation of his dad. I wish I could say he was growing up to respect women but I fear it is the other way.

January 7, 2006
9:03 pm
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Lass
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Oh, Mishy~ That's exactly what I am trying to stop in its tracks~ that disrespect that has been an example for my son in both homes. And you may be right. I have a strange combo of strength and vulnerability playing in me right now. I have learned on this site how to speak up clearly~ in ways not so long ago~ I did not dare even try out.

And Shaney ~ I had no idea that your true heart toward me was one of such complete understanding. Thank you for saying what you did, because you all are not strangers to me, and your opinions and advice carry weight with me.

I have found, that today, I have friends willing to help me not go "tilt" as I can easily do. I think that it is a lot harder to get strung out on somebody who isn't resisting you.

This man is every bit as delicate and vulnerable as I am. I have felt today like I want to live, and that is helping me with the 'stop smoking', too. I have had the last three from my pack, and slept a lot! I want to be free. Happy, joyous, and free.

LL

January 8, 2006
10:18 am
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Mishy2sons
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As if your life wasn't complicated enough, you now have S. to confuse you all the more.

I am like Shaney in a way. I want to say, "Go ahead, where that scarlet letter with pride." Heck, I even want to wear one myself. Yet all the while my Christian upbringing (deeply instilled) is screaming out against it. It is so conflicting.

I so completely understand that need for human kindness and affection. Your marriage (mine too) is so devoid of any true intimacy and connection (other than sexual). It is only natural to crave that.

Basically, I don't think of myself as romantic. But then again, part of me is thinking: "What if you pass on this and it would have been the greatest love of your life?"

You said, "This is a very kind man, and not dysfunctional to the degree I have known at all. Comparatively healthy and strong as a person."

From what you have said your marriages have been dysfunctional. Maybe you deserve to have a functional relationship for once. I am not saying it has to be with S. or that you have to have an affair to get it. ('cause I guess that is dysfunctinal by definitiion - lol.)

Sometimes, the realist in me wonders if there is any such thing as a functional relationship. Maybe they are all crazy-making and dysfunctional. All mine have been.

Life and love are so hard, so confusing , so complicated.

I've known people who have been seemingly happily involved in long term affairs.

One married woman I used to work with was involved with a married man for 15 or more years. Neither one expected the other to leave a spouse. They understood their committments, yet still saw each other for what was lacking at home, I suppose. They had a social support system in place. All our coworkers knew about and accepted their relationship. For all I know they may still be in a relationship now, 8 years later.

Another former coworker has been involved with a married man for at least 25 years. She has remained single and he has remained married. His wife is mentally ill and he won't leave her. Apparently, the arrangement works for my old friend. About 16 years ago, she went through a tough time, letting go of the dream of ever having children with him, but they are still together. Even her elderly parents accept this guy and have him over to the house for dinner. I guess they know he is married. She always brought him to work Christmas parties etc. People just accepted the situation.

A divorced coworker of my sister was also involved in a long term affair with a "sugar daddy." When the wealthy man retired and moved with his wife to a mansion in a beach community in another state, he bought her a condo there too.

Part of me wants to scream that these relationships are unhealthy, dysfunctional, sick ... But then part of me thinks, who am I to judge? Whatever works for them ... it isn't my business.

January 8, 2006
4:39 pm
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Lass
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What a very honest and well-thought out response, Mishy. I think that all three of us (you, me, Shaney)see both sides of this coin. All I can do is move very slowly, and cautiously. I feel like I might implode sometimes from lack of affection, touch, the presence of another. For all my friendships, there is very little physical touch. It is almost a skin hunger. A desire for validation, affirmation, attention, affection, closeness, a sense of not being alone, feeling special, singled out. I don't even really need the sex part to have the rest, it just happens that with the rest, the body tends to respond with its own needs. I am confused. I don't want to add to my troubles. This man is actually telling his wife about what he is doing. He is not even hiding. He is giving her a chance to cease her resistance to him. They have been married 25 years. I have no easy answers. I probably should slow down even more. I have asked my husband to not go on this next buying trip, to stay home for awhile. We were onto something there at the end of his time at home, and I fear losing the connection every damn time he leaves it becomes obliterated. I wish I could see my way into a real and lasting love relationship.

LL

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