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Ladyace: My update - a positive one!
September 7, 2005
5:54 pm
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Hi all! It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on here. I wanted to post an update and also had a question I wanted some other opinions on.

A bit of background: I am divorced from bipolar verbally abusive ex-husband, best thing I could have done. Spent some time alone (about a year) working through therapy, and being by myself.

When I felt ready to, I signed up on EHarmony.com, and not to sound like a commercial, but I met the love of my life on EHarmony.com! I am happier that I EVER was with my ex. We’ve been together for a little over 4 months. I’ll call him B. He spent time in the service for 6 years after college and said that during that time he worked on himself and what he wanted out of life. He is in graduate school right now using GI money, and just living at home with his parents (well, in between coming over to visit me!) B has so many of the qualities that I never thought I would find in a man. He is very affectionate and not afraid to show it, a romantic and loves to cuddle. He is comfortable sharing and expressing feelings, hopes, and dreams. He has a plan in life and a clue (actually started an IRA for retirement). He is very close with his family and family is very important to him. Best thing is he does not have ANY additions (no drug, alcohol, porn, etc). He has a glass of wine with dinner maybe once every 2 months. As for sex, he is just incredible, this is the way it is supposed to be, WOW! We also have similar interests, some are just staying home and reading or watching movies.

Ok, sounds too perfect right? The only problems are he snores really bad and I have to wear ear plugs at night, and he is a little bit overweight (but most of America is overweight!) I was able to look past his weight and see what a beautiful person he is inside, where it matters. No, he does not have a job, but he is working on his graduate degree and has 1 more year left.

I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging, but I hope to instill hope in those people who are at that point in life where I was 2 years ago when I started coming here. Sure, I kept hearing “there is someone out there for you” and “there is someone out there who will appreciate you”, but I really didn’t believe it.

My coworkers are happy for me on one hand but on the other hand, tell me things like “it’s still new, it won’t last”, or “yeah, my husband was like that, then we got married”, or “yeah, my husband used to help around the house, then that went away”. I really think deep down that they are jealous, and I almost have to tone down my good happy news for them. I also have to consider their situations as well (one is separated, one is getting divorced, another is in an unhappy marriage, etc) so their points of view my be negative. I have told this to B, fear that he may turn into “just being like all the other men out there”, but he honestly said no. That was not the way he was brought up, and he does not see himself being like that.

I'm not trying to brag, but I do want others to know that there ARE good healthy men out there and that there is hope. It was so true (at least for me) that if I worked on myself and my issues first that I would be more likely to attract a healthy person and have a healthy relationship.

Love to all, Ladyace

September 7, 2005
8:41 pm
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mj
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Thanks for sharing YOUR Positive Update. I am so happy for you.

September 7, 2005
10:35 pm
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gingerleigh
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Yay! All I see around me are unhappy single women it seems (plus my own divorce was final less than a week ago) so I am so glad to know that really working on oneself does work, when you're happy with yourself, you eventually end up pairing up with someone who is a good match for you. Good luck, Lady! Proud and happy for you!

September 8, 2005
3:53 pm
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KIP
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Ladyace - Thanks for your post! It's good to hear the positive out there. Good luck to you!

I am married and still trying to make my marriage come together (sounds codependent ha!)by working on myself right now and setting boundries with my wife that are allowing me to move forward. (The minute I work on us it gets real weird again.) I have not looked at e.harmony because I am married but I've thought what a great way to cut through some of the facade and look at some of the basic ideas that bring couples together. My wife and I have taken personalty tests before just for fun. We didn't match up very well. Sounds like a great place to start.

I just finished reading a book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", my wife won't read it (another funny story), so I did. It was great. I think the ideas in the book would only work if you felt good about yourself and you were not codependent (husband or wife) or at least you are both working on being healthy people. The book sounds one-sided but it's really not. - I chuckled all the way through it cause every chapter was so typical of our marriage problems. I won't get into the details but my wife said she finally read some of it. I could tell she had, just by the positive way she was treating me. It made it easier for me to treat her better too. I think society confuses us in the way we approach our marriages and the way we treat each other, especially after marriage. Also the book does not apply to marriages where abuse, addiction or adultery are involoved.

Since you are having success in your new relationship and you are wondering if it's going to continue after marriage I would be interested in what you thought about this book. Let me know if you ever read it.

Great job on improving your life!

September 8, 2005
4:04 pm
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taj64
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Hi. I am new here. Hey that gives hope to us out here. Im not quite ready for anything right now, but nice to know others out there have success. Communication is the key in a relationship. Simply sharing life together and having honesty and trust is wonderful compared to dysfunction. Congratulations to you. You deserve it. Your friends/coworkers they should envy you but not be jealous. Enjoy this relationship even if it is still new.

September 8, 2005
6:55 pm
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Kip,

Nice to meet you! EHarmony was reccommended by my therapist - she had known many people that it worked for. There were TONS of questions to fill out, and was a little pricey compared to other sites. But it definately was worth it!

I have not actually read "the proper care and feeding of husbands" but I do listen to Dr Laura at work. I skimmed through the book at Borders too. It seems like the basic premise is for women to respect their men, (and vice versa). You are right, that she says on the 1st page of the book that this does not apply to abusers, which my ex was. Being coda, I fell into that trap, but never again. Funny, how we teach kids so many things (reading, writing, arithmetic) but we do not teach how to have a good relationship, how to be a good partner, or even how to handle money. Seems like all of these things would be important.
Ok, off my soapbox now!

Love to all, Ladyace

September 9, 2005
12:05 pm
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KIP
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Ladyace - Isn't that true, there are so many things we could have learned when we were younger that would have helped us later in our relationships. It sure makes me more aware of what I'm teaching my kids now and the example I'm setting for them.

Thanks for your feedback on the book. Respect on both sides is important to a good relationship, among many other things.

Take care - Kip

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