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lady v havent seen u on threads hope ur doing well
April 13, 2005
11:19 am
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ladyvirgo
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hello friends, and new firend, smiles,

Glad you like the thoughts, smiles and Bangles..... they did a more for me than thinking that I had to be flawed forever.

Bangles, one of my kids is away with her husband - living in a remote bush place - very tiny town. I miss her but she is happy there... and we email and call each other...

It must be hard for you.... although I'm not short of kids ( I have three great young adults) I have sort of adopted another.... she is in a divorce and has two kids and needs a bit of motherly support, so we get on very well..... She's just a lovely girl, and I'd have loved for her to be mine... so now she is a bit!

I have to go.... so tired after teaching etc.....

I will write again soon....love, ladyv

April 13, 2005
5:32 pm
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tooscared
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Ladyv., I think it is wonderful that you are willing to be like a mother to this young woman with 2 children. I know that it seems like people have been brought into my family's life that have become like grandparents to my kids and like mom and dad to my husband and me. Our parents both live a few hours away and it is nice to feel like an older woman or man truly cares about you and your family and is there for the daily trials and struggles and happy times that you go through. What a blessing you must be to this lady. Plus sometimes we miss things from our own mothers that they just weren't able to give us, and somehow another "mom" is able to meet that need that is inside of our hearts.

Take care.

Love, TS

April 14, 2005
4:09 am
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ladyvirgo
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Hi Everyone,
Yes, TS - That is so true!! Sometimes we can get and give more with someone we WANT in our family than who IS in our family! My mother never seemed as if she were there for me emotionally, and, as a consequence, I've developed that trait of 'being there' almost to a fault!!

It feels as if having gone through all the bad and sad times has been worth it when I can help someone else through... And that makes me life so rich.... I'm lucky to have my special girl...

You must feel a wonderful sense of love for the people who are there for you.... we so miss that in our tiny family groups.... for emotional wholeness we could do with a few generations around to help and be helped and to grow wise around. We have so little support in this nuclear way of life.... little boxes....

Going for a snooze.... what a treat - I love a nice relax in the day...

take care, all good friends..... smiles are you with us still?

love ladyv

April 15, 2005
12:14 pm
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bangles
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ts and lady v....real quick here. Was reading along and you mentioned almost "taking" in that young girl as a daughter. Well, remember the young couple we had over for dinner? After thay had had us to their place? Well, she calls me a lot and I feel as if I am a mother figure, or becoming one and while I sort of like it...she is a lovely person...there is a parat of me that feel as though I am betraying my real daughter. I love my daughter more than anything and would anything for her. I don't want to replace her on an emotional level but she is busy living her life and doing quite well . I feel torn, or afraid I'm going to be. BanglesPS Lady v...Vocab words lately?!?!?

April 15, 2005
12:44 pm
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bangles
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PS Lady v, ts, tumbles...all else who "know" my dogs...we are heading to RI today and i found a dog kennel that "picks up and delivers"! Good deal, huh? Saves a lot of trouble! Enjoy the weekend all! Bangles

April 16, 2005
11:00 pm
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ladyvirgo
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hello everyone.... ron... smiles.... et al....

Bangles, funny you should write about that..... I was thinking about that and you and then you wrote about it... also, I wrote a piece to you.... hope you are okay with my 'temerity'!

Now, the way I look at that is that she will never replace your daughter. Also, she doesn't want to! I think that you wouldn't see yourself paring off a bit from the love you feel for your daughter, and giving it to the girl who sees in you someone that she really connects with. You know, don't you, that love stretches and stretches better than any elastic on the market!

As people grow spiritually they find that their capacity to love is expanded and it's a wonderful feeling! Nothing is ever taken away, with love and caring and kindness, it is only ever added.

I suppose you could see this as a very healthy occurance. She needs to have support and woman to woman caring - and you, if you are to stay healthy, need to give it!~ The daughter in her sees the mother in you, and vice versa.

I'd say you'd been offered a wonderful and precious gift!

It may even take the pressure off your daughter and she will be happier knowing that she doesn't have to feel she must support you cause you are needy of her.

It's a win-win situation.... and a delight to have someone 'choose' you to be a surrogate aunt or mum.

You must be a very nice lady....

And how is everyone? I am fine.... sitting in my jammies, enjoying the quiet of a sunday morning....

Relax, everyone.... let yourself a few hours right away from your everyday lives.... they will still be there when you look back, hopefully you will be stronger and refreshed to pick it up again.

take care....ladyv

April 17, 2005
7:19 am
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ron9871
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hello lady v nice to hear from you im doing ok no contact with the neighbor lady its hard because there are only 2 houses between us but i feel if i called her she wouldnt be very nice i guess she just wants to be alone in her addiction i was just going back to re read the old post and your adivce when im feeling weak i go back to the old post it helps me to realize WHAT IS.ive left the nursing home and the 12 hr shifts i went back to doing home health visits its better kind of like working for your self GOD bless ron

April 17, 2005
2:21 pm
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tooscared
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Bangles, I hope you are having a good weekend. Glad you found a good dog kennel. As far as your daughter and worrying about her feeling jealous or you feeling like you are replacing her in your heart- that isn't going to happen. I truly feel like God places people in our lives that we can minister to and that can minister to us. We all need to feel loved and I agree with Ladyv that we have an unlimited capacity to love and it stretches and stretches. You will never give away that part of your heart that only your daughter holds, but you have so much love to give and you need to go with your heart in reaching out to this young couple. It will bless you as much as it blesses them.

And Ladyv. it sounds wonderful to be relaxing in your jammies and not letting the stress of life crowd your day. Things are starting to pile up on me this week and I can feel the uneasiness crawling up. I just have to remember to take one day at a time, but sometimes life can feel overwhelming.

Take care everyone and have a wonderful Sunday.

Love, TS

April 19, 2005
9:20 pm
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bangles
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TS, Ladyv, et al...sometimes I post on different threads and should stay on just one or two because I don't know where I've, been where I'm goiong nor what I've said! It gets confusing for me! But thank you all for your kind words re. daughter. I posted (somewhere) that I am in the process of doing some pretty serious thinking where daughter is concerned. It may be painful, but I'll have to go there anyways. And Tumbles, if you read here...your post on the other thread made me feel not alone. I will explain another time when I am back on that thread.
And to all of you...I guess if I can find another site like this, I will "give" that one to my daughter as I do think a lot of these young people have a lot on the ball and I think she could benefit. I know you will laugh, but please believe me...when I told you I'd be saying sayunara (sp) and setting her up on this site, I truly had not planned to go on and read her postings! ! I really didn't! Actually, I'm somewhat disappointed in myself as it seems that idea should have leaped into my mind! Ha! But, truly, I had not thought it through like that. Now, I'm not saying that given some time, that particular idea would not have occured to me...However, if I can find a place for her and somehow make sure she knows I don't plan on browsing around there, I think she'd find lots of support and good advice. Naturally, she'd probably gravitate to folks her own age and that's what I'd hope for...kind of like we sort of all found each other. (Although I really think I am the OLDEST of the clan here) Tee Hee! Well, all for now. Tired and think I'll nod off early tonight. Bangles

April 19, 2005
9:21 pm
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bangles
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TS, Ladyv, et al...sometimes I post on different threads and should stay on just one or two because I don't know where I've, been where I'm goiong nor what I've said! It gets confusing for me! But thank you all for your kind words re. daughter. I posted (somewhere) that I am in the process of doing some pretty serious thinking where daughter is concerned. It may be painful, but I'll have to go there anyways. And Tumbles, if you read here...your post on the other thread made me feel not alone. I will explain another time when I am back on that thread.
And to all of you...I guess if I can find another site like this, I will "give" that one to my daughter as I do think a lot of these young people have a lot on the ball and I think she could benefit. I know you will laugh, but please believe me...when I told you I'd be saying sayunara (sp) and setting her up on this site, I truly had not planned to go on and read her postings! ! I really didn't! Actually, I'm somewhat disappointed in myself as it seems that idea should have leaped into my mind! Ha! But, truly, I had not thought it through like that. Now, I'm not saying that given some time, that particular idea would not have occured to me...However, if I can find a place for her and somehow make sure she knows I don't plan on browsing around there, I think she'd find lots of support and good advice. Naturally, she'd probably gravitate to folks her own age and that's what I'd hope for...kind of like we sort of all found each other. (Although I really think I am the OLDEST of the clan here) Tee Hee! Well, all for now. Tired and think I'll nod off early tonight. Bangles

April 21, 2005
5:53 am
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ladyvirgo
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Hi all,
Ron - Great to hear from you. I'm pleased to hear that you are off those 12 hour shifts.... they are so difficult and carve into your life too much, I think.

And you are staying strong and thinking clearly about the addict lady along the way.

You could be so much more to someone.... you are such a very kind person.

take care........

Bangles..... hello..... help those who need help if you want to and if it will not hurt you.... so that young woman who needs someone..... she's a gift for you..........

And if your daughter needed help, wouldn't you be glad if there was someone she could find help from>

TS Hello, dear..... you sound better lately... are you feeling brighter with the sunny days coming... I hope so.....

Take care everyone..... love, ladyv

April 21, 2005
9:21 pm
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tooscared
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Bangles, I am glad that you are going to stay around on here. I don't think you have much on age on any of us. I am not sure how old you are but I am 42 and sometimes feel much older and sometimes feel like a child. I really don't think age is an issue, but we all face problems and need the comfort and compassion of others. I hope you can find somewhere for your daughter to write and share.

Ladyv, I am doing better most of the time. I am taking better care of my health which I thinks affects my energy level and thought processes. Things have been more stressful and it has been hard to keep my head above the water this week. I'm really trying to stay more positive and take care of myself.

I hope you are doing well. Has the weather started staying cooler more? Take care and try to slow things down for yourself too.

Love, TS

April 21, 2005
11:50 pm
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ladyvirgo
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Hi TS -
Yes, it's cooling down, and the evenings are getting almost nippy to my toes. Very nice- as long as it doesn't go too far! I'd hate it to reach the tops of my legs!!

(Oh I'm sorry..... I couldn't resist it).

I'm glad to hear that you are managing to keep yourself afloat even if just enough .... that's enough, the rest is just luxury!

I think you are right about Bangles staying on the site with us....

Hi Bangles..... You r daughter needs to find her own way.... when she really wants to she will do it.... you can point her in the right direction.... and it looks as if you are....

Did you read what I wrote to you on Ron's thread to me...... about your giving time and support to the girl who needs an Aunt / Friend figure..... For me it is a joy to be able to help these young women who have so much pressure in thier lives.
Usually it takes little more than talking it over or telling them a little about how you coped with a similar problem.

I have things to do.... Shopping etc... and then I am going to have a quiet day.... still getting over a migraine .... take care, all,
ladyv

April 23, 2005
7:34 pm
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bangles
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Lady V...Thank you so much for your thoughts. Lady v. when I finish here, I will look and see where I wrote you in response to your letter to me. I thought ti was this thread, but I se it isdn't. I will fiinish here, go look, and tell you where. I did write youa somewhat long post somewhere. I am still, however, thinking much about this daughter of mine. Ladyv...I am thinking of "letting go." Not probably in a good sense, but really letting go. Carrying on with MY life and really not concerning myself much with her or hers. This doesn't sound too hot, I know. It hurts me to say it, think it, write it, but something has changed. To avoid the pain I feel, I feel the need to put distance between us. This to the daughter who used to be, to me, like a sister. I feel the loss...I don't like it. What Tumbles wrote to me hit home though. We cannot change things/people to our liking. I've tried and tried. And to be truthful, I don't really feel I've done anything wrong when compared to all I've done for her all her life. But I need to find me again. I need to feel complete in myself. I cannot depend on someone else ...even if it is my daughter, who means more to me than anything. As I wrote this, I am feeling the stinging of tears. But, Tumbles is right. There's nothing left for us to do. The ball is in their court and I cannot bring about the changes I so badly want to see. So, this is only a small part of my very beginning attempt to let go. It hurts me so because (this sounds selfish) I don't even think she knows what she doesn't (or won't) have. Does that make sense? Probably not. That's the best I can explain. You take care, and please Lady v, read my other post...I will look now for it. Bangles

April 23, 2005
7:37 pm
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bangles
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Ladyv...my response to you is no Tumbleed (April 18th). You will see that some of what you suggested indeed DID happen. Thank you always for your compassion, kind words, thoughts. Bangles

April 23, 2005
9:17 pm
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mj
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Have you ever read the Prophet by Kahil Gibran? I love the verse on Children....

It always reminds me that I am the bow and they are the arrow..
They can chose my thoughts but I can't chose theirs....

It was helpful to me.

April 23, 2005
11:44 pm
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ladyvirgo
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hi Everyone....
Bangles... yes, caught up with the thread of our conversation...

MJ I was reminded of Khalil Gibran, too.....
Your children are not your children,
They are the ..... of tomorrow, where you cannot go.... It is so deeply wise.... It helped me when I worried about my children and whether the wheelchair bound one would live to adulthood, and whether the other two would survive the rigors of adolescence with all its dangers.

Bangles, you have done all you can for your daughter, you brought her into the world and nurtured her..... taught her how to nurture herself.... your job is done....

When you let go you will find that she realises she can choose her friendships, and she will choose you. Being enmeshed is not the best for either of you.

As she grew up and detatched, so should you now grown up from mothering and detatch. There is a girl asking for you help - be her aunt.... help her! The blessings of giving will return to you.

For both your sake and your daughter's you need to cut hte umbilical cord. It will poison you both if you cannot do what must be done. But, of course, you have already decided to let go. A brave and wise decision....

And I think that Tumbles, is giving you wise words ......

Blessings..... ladyv

God Bless.

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