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LADIES: I NEED SOME DATING ADVICE
October 2, 2006
9:59 am
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risingfromtheashes
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and I am glad to see you didn't give up your beloved football game for her last minute invitation.

if you teach them to invite you at the last minute, you will always be the "last choice" - instead of the first choice.

October 2, 2006
2:29 pm
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Wow...the tide is changing. I just got a call from the little lady wondering why I hadnt called her back yesterday and she wants to hang out tonight. Well last night I didnt call her because I thought it was too late. Now I have a "chicken or the egg" type question. Is she now starting to heat up because she senses my indifference or am I indifferent because she is starting to heat up? I think it has to do with all the mixed signals and red flags so early on. Mixed signals I can understand but red flags are hard to ignore. I guess what I am continuing to learn is not to jump to conclusions to quickly and to let things develop naturally...dont force the issue. And I believe that is exactly what I did. With her I played it real cool even though I was clueless as to what was going on. If she ever read this thread I think she would be flabber gasted by my thoughts and questions. Thanks everyone and I will keep you posted

October 2, 2006
2:37 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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just be careful that it's not your "unavailability" that is attracting her.

once you think she's definitely interested - ask her out - and if you get the same stuff - she may have commitment issues - only want to date you on HER terms, kind of thing.

be careful....you know the red flags are there.

October 2, 2006
2:37 pm
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lovinglife
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Prescription strength in order yet?!

Oh, no the prescription strength will need to wait as there is more yet to come : ) LOL

October 4, 2006
8:53 am
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OUTSIDE PERSPECTIVE AND EXPERIENCE NEEDED HERE. I saw the lady yesterday for a few hours we just went to the store and watched a movie together. We talked quite a bit and agreed we were interested in each other and wanted to proceed slowly. Great. My main hang up at this time is her SON. He is full of energy and always around. I have dated women with kids in the past and usually took several months to accept and become comfortable with the child. In this case her kid is high energy and annoying. For example yesterday he gave me a hi 5 with a hand full of ketchup. I wanted to ring his neck. I dont believe there are any perfect relationships. The more time I spend with her the more i like her. I am 32 and weary of getting into a bad situation if she and I are able to develop a strong relationship can we address the kids behavior. My question is am I setting myself up to be in a miserable situation.

October 4, 2006
9:08 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I think that a child's behaviour is a reflection of the parenting "style".

So, if you see things you already have issue with, it may be best to proceed with caution.

As a single mom, I expect that my partner will eventually have input on how to raise my child - once we have reached that level of commitment. But in the meantime - it's a fine line to walk. And while I am ok with some constructive criticism, an all out revamp of my parenting skills would cause some major upheaval.

Some kids are high strung and it has no bearing on the parenting style. Some kids are out of control BECAUSE of the parenting style. Only time will help you differentiate. If you see her doing her best to rope him in, and he's still out of control, then it may not be her.

Also understand that if she is coming out of a five year relationship, then SO IS THAT CHILD - and this kid may be testing the waters - seeing how far he can push the new guy in mom's life.

So - there are ALOT of factors to consider - I can't stress enough how important it is to GO SLOWLY.

And perhaps, ask that she get a babysitter from now on - and explain that since the relationship is new, you don't want him to get attached until you two know the relationship is solid. She may not agree, but, in a perfect world, a parent would not introduce the child to their new love interest until they knew for sure that there was some kind of commitment. I'm guilty of not doing that....and wonder waht kind of damage I may have created in my daughter's emotional growth....I didn't have hundreds of men parading thru my bedroom - but I know she got attached to more than a couple of them and she had to feel the loss when it ended too. And when it ended, I was so wrapped up in my own feelings that I didn't give her enough attention with hers.

Anyway - go slow - pay attention - and in the end - this is a person you may end up parenting with - and many couples fight over parenting issues - do you want to go there? It's kind of like the money issue - meeting a person then finding out they can't manage money, have debt or can't keep a job....it's all part of the "is this person good for me all around" criteria. Yeah, they may be cute, smart and witty, but can they go the distance?

October 4, 2006
10:46 pm
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lovinglife
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Rising gave excellent insight on the child as well as dating a woman with children...speaking of…how old is he? And just one child?

As far as whether you are getting yourself into a miserable situation…only you can answer that for yourself. Are you going to be able to handle dating a woman who has an annoying child esp if you will be spending a significant amount of time around the child??? Also he may have just been excited with having you around – seems like when kids are excited they do stupid annoying things, esp boys…and he may not always be like that…but then again he just may be...

What is your gut telling you about the sitz with her son? I know for me in different situations that it sure seems like my gut feeling was right on from the get go and when it ended or came right down to it, I was like..."Shoot, I knew this way back when too!"

Glad to hear that the two of you like each other : )...not that I doubted she sooooo liked you WAY BACK UP THERE!

October 5, 2006
9:24 am
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thanks for the input.
I am going to start a new thread in hopes of gaining more feed back.

October 6, 2006
2:43 pm
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Kamasutraaustrian
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Hi,
usually women like to be admired but be careful. Don't be too clampy. I don't know your exact situation but according to John Gray flowers are always good to impress ladies. Tell her that she's great and that you've missed her. Good luck buddy!

October 7, 2006
12:35 am
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Devon
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Hopefull32:

I am seeing here that you are considering getting really cautiously serious with the woman that has the kid....

Why aren't you dating many people just for fun for a while? Do some fun activities that enhance your social life...and meet lots of women. Take a few out...just to dinner or coffee...a movie...something light and non-threatening.

What are your favorite activities? Mystery writing? Golf? Symphony? Tennis? Rowing? Go for things that you love...and the love will come to you.

Whatever happened to the art of just dating someone? No strings attached?

October 16, 2006
3:26 pm
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I have been in the dating pool for quite sometime now. And i started seeing someone with potential however there are some red flags that I am taking a ,wait and see, response to. The relationship started with her moving very slowly and sending mixed signals. At this point it seems as though we are running in place. After 6 weeks it feels as though we are still in week 2. I see her once or twice a week we eat dinner and watch tv or a movie with her 8 year old child. There is no privacy for us to get "familiar" She holds my hand and gives me a kiss every now and then. When I ask her out she usually cant because of work. I don't want to ask her how she feels about me because I think that sounds sappy. I havent spoken to her since friday because I had a wake and funeral this weekend. I guess my frustration is the molasses slow pace that this relationship is progresses. Actually it feels like it has stalled. Any thoughts?

October 16, 2006
5:12 pm
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loverbee
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I have an idea, maybe you should ask her, in advance, "If I wanted to do something special with you, could you let me know when a good time to do this would be so that I can make sure we have some time together. I don't want to interfere with your work schedule so I figured if I asked ahead of time maybe you could set some time aside for it?" Then you could think of something really romantic to do with her. Cause if she doesn't want to set any time aside, even in advance, then I would say that she is not seeing this relationship go anywhere. Just a thought.

October 16, 2006
5:16 pm
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loverbee, she just called me asking how i was doing. And she invited me to her moms bday party this weekend. But once again it is more of the same. No time alone.

October 16, 2006
5:27 pm
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taj64
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If she is like me, Im a single mom, I have to be VERY cautious is moving fast with men that I do take seriously. It is awfully uncomfortable in the beginning stages of dating and awkward. Dating for single moms is different. I find it much more serious than being single. You ahve to think about your child and the guy and work and all that. And for me intimacy is usually a big problem for me. Im scared to death of it actually when it comes to serious guys. And sometimes it is hard if you are with a guy and the guy wants to rush the physical aspect of it because sometimes in my mind, once that happens, the dynamics of the relationship do change. I know every relationship is different. Maybe you are getting mixed signals because maybe she IS mixed. Going back and forth is ok in the beginning. Maybe she had negative experiences like me and it is lot to handle pressure of relationship. If you really like her, hang in there a bit, and do ask questions. Don't assume anything. Be as communicative as you possibly can. It might surprise you.

October 16, 2006
5:32 pm
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lovinglife
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any thoughts you asked??? yeah, flowers Mr.!! Have you done that yet? : )

So now that you have obtained the object of your hearts desire, you want more?! geeesh, never enough for you men now is it? She sure sounds though like long term commitment material and pretty comfortable with taking things sloooooow.

I don't have any thoughts yet but wanted to just say hi and give you my congrats on capturing her attention, but wait, that's right... I knew that all along! Glad to hear that things are going ok otherwise.

LL

October 16, 2006
6:12 pm
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lolli
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I'd like to chime in and agree with Taj. The fact that she sees you in front of her child is probably a sign that she thinks your relationship has potential. Most single moms, I think, don't involve their children in more casual dates. (on the other hand, she could be less healthy and *using* her child to protect her from the scary process of having to get close to someone she really likes)

Either way it sounds like she's scared of moving too fast. If you are really interested in her, see if you can help establish trust in small ways. Make small commitments and then MAKE SURE you follow through. You better believe she is looking for signs that she can trust you right now.

just my 2 cents... btw, i am not a single mom, or even a mom. so take it with a grain of salt:)

October 16, 2006
6:43 pm
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doubleloss
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she sounds like a wise woman. Why rush into anything. Get to know each other, slowly, remember, a good wine is best enjoyed in small sips. Make plans with her in advance, use this time to really get to know her, earn her trust and more than anything, enjoy every minute!!

October 16, 2006
8:31 pm
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Well personally I have rarely gone to bed with someone before six weeks of 'getting to know them'.

I have to decide if this is someone I want to share that aspect of myself with ... it's a big step for me.

Some people need more time getting to know someone. Do you sincerely compliment her, do you pitch in when you go over, are you polite and respectful to her child, are you able to laugh a lot? Just some questions.

When ever I have gone to bed with someone in a shorter time frame I quickly back out. It was simply a fling to me. I hardly knew them.

October 30, 2006
7:36 pm
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Hello, this past weekend i went to "the" birthday party for this girl i have been seeing for about 8 weeks. I have complained in the past that the relationship was moving in slow motion. The day of her party I went over to her house early to help out with the decorations. The whole time she was giving me hugs and kisses and telling me how sweet i was. I went home to change and returned with a couple of my friends for the party. Well lets just say she acted like she didn't know me. My buddies were clowning me all nite because of the lack of attention i got from her. I understood that she had alot of people to entertain but, had i been in her shoes I definately would have paid her some special attention. Am i wrong? So I left the party 1/2 an hour before it ended and I was very disappointed. This all fell in line with the mixed signals i have been getting through this relationhsip. On the way home i was highly buzzed and said I would not talk to her again because I was through with all the mixed signals I was getting from day 1. Over 8 weeks time we havent gone any further than a kiss. Well today she call me and I didnt take her call because I didn't feel like talking to her. I could very easily ask her what she is thinking and what her intentions are, but that would make me feel like I was giving her all the power in the relationship. Would a girl only kiss a guy for eight weeks if she was interested in a relationship with him? And what is up with barely acknowledging me at the party? I would appreciate any input on this.

October 30, 2006
7:54 pm
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truthBtold
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I hate to be blunt, but I am wondering how old you are?

The reason I ask is because her actions sound like something someone in high school would do.

Either way - it sucks - no matter what the age.

"Mixed Signals" are a sign from someone who may not be ready to reciprocate your affections.

If I were you - I would just lay low and let her make the next move...and at that time bring up your feelings about the whole incident.

She could just be a "user"

Time will tell.

Meanwhile, forget about her and get involved in activities that bring you joy!

October 30, 2006
8:01 pm
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Truthbtold, She is 33 and i am 32. I don't know if i will bring up the incident but I may try to get some clarification on what she wants from me. Because I am truly clueless

October 30, 2006
8:09 pm
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truthBtold
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Hopeful,

The real question is...what do you want from her?

You may just want something from her she is unable or incapable of giving.

If it's been 8 weeks and the only physical contact between the two of you has been only a kiss - perhaps you are looking for romance...and she isn't.

I could be wrong.

But - I think that the basis of ANY relationship has to be RESPECT.

If you do not feel respected by her - then perhaps you might want to cut your losses with the understanding that you were both looking for different things.

I hope that I have not been too harsh.

I could be wrong about all of this.

Best thing....trust your gut!!!! It will NEVER let you down!

October 31, 2006
8:24 am
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Sophie3012
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Yes the age old mixed signals routine, I know it well.I remember once when I was getting mixed signals from a guy a long time ago and I didn't know where I stood with him, it felt like walking on egg shells. What I did was I sat him down to his face I said ''Where do I stand'' turns out in the end he didn't want us to go anyhwhere and he didn't want to string me along because I liked him so much, I say to you leave it for abit to see what she does, if nothing happens just ask her out straight are you or are you not ready to move things on, if so is this person me? she'll either provide you with a explaination or storm out your life, on the other hand maybe or this needs is time and space sometimes the best things take long to develop. I am 18 and forever learning about men and their ways though starting to feel I just won't understand.

October 31, 2006
10:03 am
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2alone
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I'm sorry you are going through this with her. In my opinion she is using you to raise her self esteem. I gather this because she was very greatful and "loving" while you were helping her out and doing work for her and the two of you were alone. But when the party started and her friends and family were around she did not continue the same behavior. As an outsider it seems like she didn't want other people to know that you were anything more than just a friend. I could be wrong - she could be the type that doesn't like PDA and is shy to acknowledge a new relationship in front of your friends and hers....but I fear that she just isn't that into you.

Don't waste your time and effort on someone that can't or won't respond in the way that meets your needs.

Good luck!

October 31, 2006
11:06 am
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You all make some great points. 2alone, i agree that she is probably not that into me. However, when I came to that realization in the past she would show me extra care and attention hence the mixed signals. She called me yesterday and i havent decided whether to call her back. Mainly i want to see if she is going to call a second time. It feels like I am playing games but I just don't want to be so available to her.

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