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LADIES: I NEED SOME DATING ADVICE
September 20, 2006
10:30 pm
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Anonymous
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Let her show you how to dance! Have fun. Feel good that she invite you and is proud to bring you. This is what you wanted! Enjoy!

September 25, 2006
2:06 pm
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I went to the wedding although it was nothing like I expected, I had a good time. During conversation I found out that she was married for 11 years and recently ended a 5 year relationship 2 months ago. A huge red flag. After the wedding we went to her moms house and had a few drinks and chilled with the mom and sister. i was able to get cozy with her while giving her a foot massage on the sofa. Later when i dropped her off all i got was a quick little peck. I wasn't surprised by that but I am still wondering what she is thinking. At times durng the night she looked at me like she was in love but then she really doesn't seem to be interested. I gather that at this point she sees me as a nice guy however she is not interested in jumping into anything right now. Understood. So i must proceed with caution. That being said, do i just sit back and call her in a week or do i send her a flower to let her know she is in my thoughts?

September 25, 2006
2:09 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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my thought?

follow up with a call in the next day or two - tell her you enjoyed your time together, and ask her if she has some time to get together this coming up weekend.

but know that if you choose to follow this thru - she is not ready for any relationship and you need to take this VERY VERY slow and work on being her friend first.

two long term relationships and one just recently ended.

build a friendship first is my best advice...and flowers may be too soon.

September 25, 2006
2:22 pm
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Good advice.I asked her to get together on a friday when she is free. Get this, she said sure but it would have to be after her birthday party because she is very busy planning for it. Sounds reasonable but her birthday isnt til OCTOBER 29TH. LOL. Talk about taking it slow.

September 25, 2006
8:02 pm
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shyshy
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Don't show her too much interest or you will turn her off.

She may be feeling a little like me right about now. Interested in the person but not interested in being in a relationship so proceeding with caution. Basically, if the guy was showing too much interest I would run for the hills.

Make it like you were enjoying your life before she came along and invite her on dates where other people are involved for now that way she won't feel like your being too pushy.

September 25, 2006
8:04 pm
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shyshy
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What I'm really trying to say is that I think she'll be more interested if you come across like you have an interesting life and you just enjoy having her around every so often. If you show too much interest it will make you look like you don't have a life and your depressed and lonely and would cling to just about anyone who walked into your life.

September 26, 2006
7:24 am
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Shyshy, thanks for the advice. I have no expectations. I am a pretty smart guy and I realize there is a strong chance she and her ex will get back together. Most 5 year relationships dont ended that cleanly. So am going to just take it REAL slow. At times I consider taking the romantic route (possibly something her ex didn't do) to hold her attention.

September 26, 2006
5:10 pm
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doubleloss
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hi hopefull. be her friend, pursue your own interests, let things unravel at their own pace. you'll see what happens. if it was me, i would like to know...at some point...that the guy is interested, that would give me a chance to say: i just want a friend now, or lets take it slow, or whatever. that is HER decision to make, so you know what you want, let her know (when the time is right) and then both will be able to decide what to do. just my 2 cents. just don't crowd her, take care of yourself and have fun, men with strong interests, friendships etc are VERY attractive and if they are nice...well...

September 26, 2006
5:58 pm
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lovinglife
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{Just my prespective here....}

Hopeful~ I think you just might have a soon to be headache on your hands : ) or quite the challenge... as she sounds just a tad bit like me...the good looking part and all!!

No seriously, she is sounding a little gamey...and I am the queen of games with men mind you. Think one guy even said that to me or about me...hmmmm...yep I've been accused of playing games. Anyhow... It's not that I enjoy it but I'm just a little messed up in the head (and if Matteo is reading this- I called myself on it after I wrote it but needed to leave it in there to make a point!)...and because of my gaminess I’ve lost a few love interests over it – darn. ANYHOW I think she likes you - no need to worry about that- that part you got covered my friend...the problem is that the ending of her last relationship is still raw in her mind... did she end it- AND did she get hurt out of it??? That is what you’re going to be up against.

Now don't take all of my advice as I am not a relationship expert...BUT I really, really like your thoughts..."At times I consider taking the romantic route (possibly something her ex didn't do) to hold her attention." What would be more wonderful after a break up and the letting go and healing… then a little fresh romance - some simple flowers – AND most importantly ALOT patience, understanding, sincerity, and space from the next guy who is interested in me. Now if I liked the guy I’d just melt. If you do go this route you run the risk of ending up hurt…also need to ask yourself…how much does pursing this relationship mean to you even if it doesn’t turn out like you hope?? And how long are you willing to wait for her to come around??

Good luck~ : )

September 26, 2006
6:42 pm
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The only thing I'd say, is if your worried about her going back to her old BF, I'd ask or find out what caused her to break up with him. If you show that's not the case with you, provided it was something he did, then that should stop that right in it's tracks.

As for the romantic thing, it never hurts...humor is a big big plus. My GF says all the time that she loves that I can make her laugh.

September 27, 2006
8:30 am
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All the advice and the responses are greatly appreciated. Yesterday I decided I would stop thinking about her, live my life and let the chips fall where they may. Within minutes of clearing my mind she called me out of the blue, something she never does. She never initiates a call, she only returns mine. I figured it was a cultural thing (not to call a male) since she grew up in the DR. Anyway, she wanted to know if she could stop by my store with a friend of hers. Unfortunately, i was on the road. We chatted for about 3 mins and that was it. It was like she was in my head, as soon as i decided to not give her so much thought she decides to call me for the first time. A friend thinks she is playing games with me but I don't think she is the type for that...too mature. Anyway, all i can do is chill and try not to force the issue. I am embarrassed i am giving this so much thought and consideration.

September 27, 2006
1:30 pm
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lovinglife
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Hi Hopefull~

It always seems to work like that - once we finally relax a little the tables turn. And please don’t be embarrassed that you’ve given so much thought & consideration into *the object of your hearts desire* - you’re learning here - we all are learning here. One of my questions from above was “how much does pursing this relationship mean to you even if it doesn’t turn out like you hope?” And part of that is giving it thought & consideration, providing she’s worth it to you. To this point she has been. hmmmm…. question is now will this change and if so, why???

It doesn’t surprise me she called you at this stage of the game – infact I had thought about including that in with what I wrote above. The way I’ve been reading your posts thus far is that she so likes you – I kinda figured that out way back up there. Confusing huh? If I had the time, I’d go through your interactions with her and translate how I see what she has been saying to you…and up until her phone call yesterday has it been pretty much completely opposite…and/or she leaves you a little puzzled as in sending mixed messages???

Now when I said gamey, I was not meaning it in a negative way as it’s more within her. And I must say that a woman can be beautiful, intelligent, professional, and mature by all outward appearances…and still be gamey. AS WELL as being a woman who has been messed with in the head big time by a man. Just because she is beautiful, just because she is a professional, just because she is mature doesn’t mean that somewhere down the line a man didn’t mess her mind: Contrary to stereo-typical belief, abuse doesn’t happen to only unattractive, unintelligent, immature women.

Anyhow…I could be WAY OFF base with the *the object of your hearts desire* as this is only my perspective. Regardless, I’M learning from your *relationship* with this woman and thankful that you’ve given it the thought & consideration you have. Up until finding my way to AAC-I had this notion that if a man cared enough about me or thought I was worth the headache (from the confusion) he’d hang in there and want to break down the walls I have built around me. Well… that hasn’t happen yet- So instead of continuing to live with this fantasy- I’m now working on taking down my own walls.

Also… none of the above could apply in your sitz whatsoever…but you must take into consideration that it’s only been a few months since the break-up of a 5 year relationship. ANYBODY despite where their coming from in the head…still has a lot to process …a lot to let go of…a lot of emotions running through their mind. And to be honest, from my perspective aside from anything I’ve said above, I wouldn’t touch a man who was just getting out of a relationship UNLESS I was only interested in a friendship.

Please keep us posted and give updates. I'm very interested in how this will all turn out. I could give my predication now - but I'll wait- so far since day one - I've been calling it (for myself) pretty accurately.

Have fun : )

September 29, 2006
11:05 am
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Well, I think I am going to leave this one alone. I called her yesterday to see if i could drop something off for her at her house. Just a little something from my store since she wanted to stop by there earlier in the week. Her response was the check gauges light was on in her car and she needed to see a mechanic after work and that she would call me to let me know whats up. Well, she never called. Maybe i am being too eager or anxious anyway i am done trying to figure this one out. I have lost interest.

September 29, 2006
11:17 am
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risingfromtheashes
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it sucks that it turned out this way, but may be for the better.

Someone just out of a five year relationship may have alot of baggage.

Perhaps she is in "play the field" mode right now - which would hurt you in the end. Perhaps she thinks she is ready for a relationship, but down the line may realize it's only a rebound - which would hurt you.

The chances of it working out seem slim, from what you tell us - so it's all for the better I think.

It may hurt now, but I think the right person, with the right mentality and "AVAILABILITY" will be waiting for you down the road.

September 29, 2006
4:36 pm
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doubleloss
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hi hopefull. well, it sounds as it's a no go. I hope you are OK, just think what we girls are told over and over: need to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince.
keep meeting people, having fun, healing and growing. I think its way easier for a guy to find a woman. (maybe because I'm one?) or is it hard for men to find elegible women? are we all in the same boat?

September 29, 2006
7:14 pm
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lovinglife
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darn…suppose now the flowers are completely out of the question?! ….please forgive her for she know not what she do…

Well... that *went down* faster than expected - thought maybe at least another week…I’d offer you a couple virtual extra strength Tylenol but thinking ya might just need prescription strength soon enough …

Another guess here…you’re probably a pretty darn nice guy as well as have your crap pretty much together…

Thanks for the update – hope you enjoy your weekend.

September 29, 2006
7:17 pm
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Hopeful

Good that you lost interest. Anyone who doesn't return your call isn't worth your time.

What can you learn from this?

P&L

September 29, 2006
7:30 pm
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Ladies thanks for all the helpful input. Truthfully, i wont be surprised if i hear from her again but i have lost interest.

doubleloss, It is very difficult for guys in the dating pool as well. I am enjoying the single life but it is getting old. People assume i have no problem meeting women, i just cant seem to meet the ones with potential for a relationship. There are several women that are interested in me but for some reason the women I like dont seem to return my sentiment. It really is frustrating. I know I am a great catch.

lovinglife, I wish i had more to tell you are far as this situation. As far as I am concerned it is over but if anything comes up i will keep you posted.

Thanks

September 29, 2006
8:30 pm
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lovinglife
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Hopefull~ I don’t have a lot of time to write but have a few more thoughts to share on this…

Been thinking about your sitz ALL day- for one I have lost two potentially good men - the reason I say *potential* is because I never found out – wanted to badly though. Think they knew that? I doubt it until after the fact of course. One of the guys I played the game with washed his hands of it pretty quickly like you just may have. Looking back I feel bad as I realize now that he was just as vulnerable as myself when it came to getting hurt AND the sad thing is...I really, really, liked him. The other guy eventually gave up on me to include… *LL, you never let me in.* Give me a loser any day and I’ll make a man out of him – I’ll make him feel loved but a real nice guy with potential that I REALLY do like – I freeze and the games begin.

The other thing I was thinking about today is that this woman has had two long relationships – an 11 yr marriage and a 5yr relationship. Ok another thing I can relate to - got to hurry as I almost out of time here…. OK she really doesn’t have a lot of experience in the dating pool- she’s been in relationships- She might not know how to act!! I tell ya, I’ve wanted to play with big girls when it comes to dating, but I can’t…yet anyways. In additional to working out a few personal issues, I also have NO real experience in *dating*. Now I could see if this woman had been single for sometime, dating around, and acted the way she has been – I’d think it rude as well as perhaps conceited- ya know like the guys we all call the *players*? But does she have a lot of experience in just being single? Also need to say- that with her having had these two long relationships shows the she has *commitment* perhaps – just to the wrong men.

Got to go...hope some of this makes sense. I don't believe how she has acted has anything to do with you - it's her.

September 30, 2006
12:08 pm
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lovinglife, you make several good points and I too believe it is her because I didn't play any games and I gave her space and respect. So I am left to assume she is not ready to pursue a relationship at this time.

Funny, when my girlfriend and i broke up a while ago I thought I would have no problem finding a new girlfriend when I was ready. I am not a bad looking dude and i have my shit together. I wish I knew what the problem was. I wonder if there is something about physically or in my behaviour that turns women I like off.
Tonight my buddy is hooking me up with his girlfriend's friend. I don't have very high expectations.

September 30, 2006
2:02 pm
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lovinglife
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Hopefull~ you’ve done all that you could do in all of your thoughtfulness & consideration…it’s truly her loss not yours. I do expect her to *just drop by the store* or phone you…however hoping she leaves you alone because it's just going to be more the same games.

Whatever her deal is or whatever game she is playing – insecurities (my case) or just plain selfish & rude, you must remember….SHE is the one shooting of the major red flags here aside from just ending a long relationship {from memory, I know I’ll miss something}: She didn’t return your very first call and just left you hanging, then lied about having tried to return the call, the two of you had a tentative date set on a Friday- but she had an beauty salon appt???…trust me she knew about this appt when the two of you 1st talked about the *tentative* date, then out of the blue- totally throws you off guard when she asks you to be her date for a wedding for the next day (??), and then finally she once again doesn’t return your last call (the whole check engine light thing). She doesn’t call you once during this whole thing other than, out of the blue, wanting to stop by your store…Now it would have been nice of her (perhaps she did-including this if she didn’t) if she would have at least put some thought and consideration into giving you a thank you of sorts for esp attending that wedding with her- perhaps a simple phone call of thanks. And by the way pat yourself on the back for that one - WHAT A NICE GUY-she didn’t have a date, you were feeling a little insecure about it, and if it wouldn’t have been for you – she would have went alone. YOU made that day special for her... YOU gave her a memory that she wouldn't have had if you weren't such a nice guy.

So what have you gotten so far for your time, thought, consideration? Some pretty lame excuses for her behavior; phone dropped in the toilet, gauges in her car lighting up, planning her BD party for the next 6 wks- not sure when she’d have time. I have this recent found philosophy that when I give to someone from my heart – then I should not have expectations of anything in return from that person- and what I have seen with you is just a lot of patience and understanding - and just being a nice guy. Whatever her deal is (who knows-I’ve been read totally wrong myself before) you don’t need me to tell you this--- but YOU DESERVE better than what she has giving you.

Hope you get this before your date tonight cause here comes my unsolicited pep talk:.... : ) You go out tonight and have your self a wonderful time – relax, don’t be concerned about making an impression on this girl - be confident – be yourself, and most importantly BELIEVE IN yourself. Without even having met you – I can bet you’re a great catch…and the reason why I say that is because I have let *great catches* pass me by and I know that I am not the only woman in this world that has done that. And remember confidence is a very attractive thing in a man or a woman – not arrogance- but just plain confidence. And if you’re feeling a little shaky in the confidence department - one suggestion...Think of something that would make you feel on top of the world… like you just won the lottery, got your first book published, received a huge raise, sale, bonus, or like the girl we’ve been talking about calls you and tells you what a wonderful guy you are , whatever, whatever, etc. find something that would make you feel just good inside – then hold onto that feeling and let it carry you through tonight. AND oh – we often lead ourselves to our greatest fears so why can’t we turn that around and lead ourselves to our dreams????…

and give full report in the morning or asap!! Now REALLY have a great time & have fun : )

September 30, 2006
5:38 pm
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Dating is like bowling. Sometimes you can throw the perfect ball, but all the pins just don't fall down....no fault of your own- it just happens sometimes....

I guess the point is that just because a person does not seem that into you does not mean its because of you. You have no idea what has gone on in their life, what their expectations are (they may not want a relationship)or if they are still emotionally attached to an ex. The point is don't loose confidence in yourself. Date as often as you can. This way you will learn what you Do and DON'T like. That will make it easier to know when its the right one...good luck.

October 1, 2006
9:31 pm
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Well yesterday I got a call from the
"object of my hearts desire" inviting me to come over for a late lunch. I had nothing going on at that time so I accepted. Believe me I had no expectations but to enjoy her company before I went out later that night. While I was there we did some drinking, eating and talking. Her neighbors stopped by and they inquired about her car which she had fixed the night she never called me back. She also told me that was a horrible day and she was feeling very emotional and had considered calling me but decided against. For what ever reason...I didnt dig for answers why. My plans for later in the night got cancelled so I ended up staying over her house longer than anticipated. Like normal she was very touchy feely and accommodating. Within a hour of being there she invited me to go out with her and her friends the next day to a Chinese buffet. At this point I can say I enjoy her company, she is extremely hospitable, and super attractive, however the red flags are waving in my face causing my engines to remain cooled. So I guess the book is not yet completely closed on this one. However I no longer have to control my eagerness because now I am somewhat indifferent.

As for the girl my friend was going to set me up with. Well she had to cancell and wanted to reshedule. I'll keep you posted.

Oh and as for the chinese buffet. I wasn't able to make it because I had a long day of watching football planned.
Thanks for all the helpfull input. Especially you lovinglife. You have very thoughtful responses which are fantastic.

October 1, 2006
11:33 pm
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lovinglife
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I KNEW IT… I knew she wasn't done with you and I knew that YOU weren't done with her either : )

So now you can COMPLETELY relax about whether you have her attention or not- you’ve got it and you’ve had it along, go figure, huh?! Anyhow, please give updates (with as much as you feel comfortable with), like I’ve said I am learning from your experience (how a man see’s it). Only advice is to just be patient with her and have understanding… who knows where this could lead…it will be interesting to follow this story.

Also wanted to mention something about P&L’s question… “What did you learn from this?” Since I am on this journey of self-discovery, when any of my negative thoughts kick in, I’ve been trying to stop myself and figure out where those negative thoughts are coming from as well as, “What can I learn from this?” Just a suggestion, but take a look at you’re reactions (what you felt inside) when you thought she didn’t have interest or thought she lost interest…where were your thoughts coming from and “What about yourself can you learn from that?”

One more thing...this thread is an awesome example of what support/suggestions/advice/encouragement can do for others...one of the things on the top of my mind is how the ladies in here encouraged you to go to the wedding while on your own (left with just your own thoughts) you have may declined...AND then personally how much I'm learning from you're honest sharing and your experience…so with that I thank you. Oh how I love this website!!

October 1, 2006
11:52 pm
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lovinglife
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And Hopefull... I don't want to see you hurt out of this...{thinking of a few from my life that may have been hurt-was not my intention at all.}

Don't know what else to say...other than for the time being guard your heart, remain as indifferent as possible (I don't believe she is going anywhere) and just take it slow...

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