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LADIES: I NEED SOME DATING ADVICE
September 8, 2006
1:47 pm
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I met this drop dead goregous lady last week. We went on a double date and then she invited me over for dinner the following Monday. There were people over her house for dinner so I never got any one on one time. I called her 2 nights later and left a voicemail telling her I wanted to plan a date for the weekend. She hasn't called me back or contacted me. Question - do I try to call her sooner than later, is it possible she didn't even get the message. Should I send her flowers as a nice gesture or is that too much too soon. Ladies if i lost her interest after the second meeting how can i revive it.

September 8, 2006
1:58 pm
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StronginHim77
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Flowers would be overkill. I think I would send her a simple card, thanking her for her hospitality and expressing the hope of reciprocating in the near future.

Period.

- Strong

September 8, 2006
2:03 pm
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I sent her that exact message via text the day after. If i turned her off I know it will be very hard to get her back. I am the type of guy that wants to know what it is or what happened. It could be anything.

September 8, 2006
2:09 pm
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gayle
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hopefull- maybe she has just gotten busy this week, the reason she may not have responded back to you may have nothing to do with you at all!

September 8, 2006
2:12 pm
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Gayle, I have met and dealt with a lot of women and if a woman is interested she is never too busy to get in touch. Thanks for the response though

September 8, 2006
2:13 pm
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southgoingzax
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just keep in mind you barely know this woman - if you come off too pushy, she wont bother to get to know you any further. I would call her again, and ask her out again. Maybe she didn't get the message, maybe she's been busy. If you speak to her directly, she will either say yes or no to you, and you have your answer. Try not to read too much into this until you have spoken to her. If you get her voicemail, just leave a message asking her to call you back - if she doesn't, then don't call her again.

zax

September 8, 2006
2:16 pm
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gayle
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I have to disagree, as a woman that has been asked out and gone out on dates, if I had just met you a couple times and even though we had a nice time, it doesn't mean that you are first on my priority list. I think you may be making more out of the date than she is. As a coda woman I would call you before you could call me but as a healthy woman I would put myself before you because we just met. Don't look for a problem that isn't there. Wait and see. You are welcome though:) Good luck! She may be deciding to call you back as we speak, who knows?

September 8, 2006
2:18 pm
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gayle
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zax- I was not diasgreeing with you! I think you have given sound advice!

September 8, 2006
2:22 pm
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lovinglife
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Hopefull~ if you are feeling the need to send someone flowers- I'll take them!! I luv flowers : )

Ok that would stink if you lost her interest after the 2nd meeting...but we can't be jumping to any conclusions here...hmmmm let me think here...nope I'd better not think or add my two cents cuz I'll just confuse you even more....BECAUSE if I was the woman and I had LIKED the guy...I'd be too nervous to return the call and would be hoping he'd call me again! But thats me- and there is a reason why I hang out on these boards!! Good luck : )

September 8, 2006
2:23 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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hopeful,

I "hear" that you are WAY eager on this.....and gayle is dead on, if you want this to work, be patient.

Your eagerness may NOT match her eagerness. She may be busy. She may also be dating others. She may have had a family emergency. She may be out of town on business. She may be sick..............

there is a ton of what if's.

be patient. wait a little while. if you don't hear back from her, leave another message and then LET IT GO.

there is a book out there called "the rules" about dating....it's a guide for women.....but you might be able to get a good idea of what some women expect if you read it.

If she is smart, beautiful, healthy, intelligent and so on, then it will take time to get her attention.

if she is unhealthy, she would have called you already and been in bed with you already.

so consider this a possible blessing?

September 8, 2006
2:25 pm
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gayle
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Rising! I was hoping you would find this thread! You said it better than I could have! 🙂

September 8, 2006
2:32 pm
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you are all right. Funny because I get annoyed by eager needy women. And I typically don't get so caught up after the first couple of dates. I guess the difference is this lady looks wise is my ideal. I figure if I don't maintain her attention another guy will snatch her up. I guess I am shooting myself in the foot

September 8, 2006
2:42 pm
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southgoingzax
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looks-wise? I know you just met her, so you don't really know her...but if it's only because of her looks that you like her, she can probably sense that.

I think that gorgeous women probably get a lot of attention from men who like how they look, but never take the time to really like the actual person within. Maybe think about that, for a while - in order to get and retain her attention, you're going to have to be interested in more than her body.

September 8, 2006
2:45 pm
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StronginHim77
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hopeful -

Um...I meant a HALLMARK card (the kind you sign with an ink pen and put a stamp on?)...not a text message.

Oh well. To me, a card which someone went to the trouble of selecting, buying, signing, addressing and mailing indicates more sincere effort to me than a cold-blooded text message.

- Strong

September 8, 2006
2:57 pm
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lovinglife
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Hopefull- now you have me thinking…if she lost interest…how can you revive it?? From past experience either you won’t be able to (those 1st & 2nd impressions are pretty powerful) or like others have said you just need to give it time and don’t seem too pushy. And rightfully you’re left questioning whether she even got the message…. Now thinking back here about having been asked out and I wasn’t interested…I rudely never got back to them : ( huh…always a learning lesson here at AAC now isn’t it?!

And Rising~ I agree with you that “If she is smart, beautiful, healthy, intelligent and so on, then it will take time to get her attention.” And “if she is unhealthy, she would have called you already and been in bed with you already.” Only I can’t figure out where I fit into all that- Because I’m the unhealthy one but wouldn’t be doing the calling or jumping into bed right away!

And Strong~ Oh I how also dislike the IM, TM and emailing thing!! Hopefull- Strong may be on to something here...TM is SO unoriginal and SO impersonal- how many TM’s do you think this beautiful has received from men? A hallmark thank you card- NOW that’s a way to send a thank you and leave a lasting impression! would set you apart from the rest...

September 8, 2006
2:58 pm
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StronginHim77
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Amen, brother. Hit that Hallmark shop!

September 8, 2006
3:03 pm
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lovinglife
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and the thing about the *ideal looks wise*...what a great reminder for us women- whether we like to hear it or not - men are very visual!!

September 8, 2006
3:14 pm
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Hopeful 32,
I think that you should send her a little note explaining that you enjoyed the night and wanted to spend some more time with her. Nothing to fancy just something to let her know you are thoughtful. Dating is very exciting but can be very nerve recking because you feel like you are very vulnerable. Why dont you give it a few days and if you do not hear from her ask her politely if she is interested in dating if not you guys can be friends. Sometimes just being direct and straight to the point you will get a straight answer and their is no guessing involved. It is not rude for you to ask this, it is rude for someone to keeping you on stand by waiting for them to answer you. good luck and I hoped this helped.
Iluvemenow

September 8, 2006
3:27 pm
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Great advice. I have to admit I did lose my head for a little bit and you girls calmed me down. I think I will send her a card. Funny before I called her this week, I considered how I acted towards all the women that were interested or had feelings for me. And to be honest I didn't do much. Usually they contacted me after the first date or i called them a week later. I guess I just need to cool my engines and I will likely send a card next week if I don't get a response so be it. thanks

September 8, 2006
3:34 pm
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doubleloss
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jumping in...if you are interested and she is a HEALTHY woman i guess you'll have to do the work. call her in a week or so (if she doesn't respond to your message). i wouldn't ask her if she wants to date you, you've only met twice, how about just that you would like to spend time getting to know her? no pressure and sincere interest. she might then respond, yes, that's nice or will tell you she's not interested...isn't that they way adults are supposed to communicate.
no games, honesty and sincerity will be your best tools! good luck!

September 8, 2006
4:02 pm
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Anonymous
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Okay, I personally would not like the card if I lost interest, just a different point of view, with a due respect.

If she lost interest, she lost interst. Maybe she never was interested and wanted to make sure by giving it one more date. Some women do that.

Just because you were enthralled by her beauty does not mean she is a nice person or that she was enthralled by you. You don't know her.
She doesn't deserve a card or flowers. She hasn't sent you the message that she wants them anyway.

If you are unsure, send her an email or call one more time. BACK OFF.

People do not like to be contacted repeatedly by someone they do not encourage. Please respect that.

If you contact her twice and she does not get back to you, get the message and move on. If you are willing to risk you own self respect, she likely won't respect you anyway. If you try twice, especially via email and phone (two different methods...she is surely going to get one), then you give her to benefit of the doubt of not receiving one, and if she does, in fact, like you, she will appreciate your effort. If the relationship grows from there, then buy her flowers on the fourth date or something when you know each other a bit more.

Just my own opinion. please use it for what it is worth...from someone who was repeatedly contacted by someone she didn't want to hear from...

P&L

September 8, 2006
5:23 pm
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revelation
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Ahem....Hello from a "rules" girl.

You left a message on her voicemail? Well, she probably won't get in touch.

I'm sorry if someone has already told you this, I didn't have time to read but a few of the replies.

Don't send flowers yet..please, that
is just a bit too overpowering.

You don't need to do that.

Just CALL her...don't leave voicemails...call and talk to her face to face.

If you don't get through, don't call over and over, try again in a couple of days she may be on vacation or something. If after a week, you cannot get through then she's avoiding you.

If you do get through, be ready to say what you are going to say.

Ask if she'd like to go out with you for a drink/dinner whatever....don't be vague about it, have a plan for the date. DON'T ask her on a tuesday for a date on a wednesday, give her at least a few days notice, say 4 days notice. If she still says she's busy say ok, no problem and end the conversation. Try once again the next week, same format, if she says she's busy again.....then she's not interested.

Busy once...fair enough...busy twice...your just not worth the effort of cancelling her plans...she ain't into you.

If you ask her out (Directly, not over voicemail) and she says NO...don't ask again, don't send flowers, you are wasting your time.

Basically the only way to find out for sure is to ask her out face to face or on the phone directly...otherwise you run the risk of annoying her.

Rev.

September 8, 2006
5:30 pm
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Anonymous
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Dear Rev

THANK YOU! Now, could you please tell all men that???

P&L

September 8, 2006
5:36 pm
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revelation
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I wish I could P&L....sounds like common sense to me!!! Go figure!

September 8, 2006
5:53 pm
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REV

UGH! Let's start a new thread called, "the Darn I Give Up on Dating Thread!"

I used to date as a sport, just dinner nothing serious, one after another...until it got old.

The real problem with dating, in my opinion, is that nobody knows what is supposed to happen anymore. They don't know the roles. Who is supposed to do what. Am I supposed to call him? Am I supposed to wait? When is this supposed to happen? When is that supposed to happen? Who pays? How do I let the person know I like them? How do I let them know I don't like them? How do I keep them? How do I get rid of them? Can I be honest (which we all should be!)? Will they be honest with me? Opps, last time I expressed myself, I got burned, better not do that again! But, I don't play games. Wait, I think I am engaging in a game here. This is too much trouble. He is not working hard enough. He is working too hard. UGH!

It is a free for all.

Personally, I want some knight in shining armor to ask my dad for permission after he tells my dad his intentions, regardless of the fact that I am in my 40s. I am that worth it. Well, I better think so...

Okay, enough of my sermon for the day.

I think I made my point.
Even though I probably confuse hopeful even more.

Okay, one more point since I got myself going...hopeful, this is for you, my hopeful friend. I will take you any day. You seem like a nice fellow with good intentions. Too bad you are suffering from "the hopes and dreams." I urge you not to push. I was pushed once. Tread lightly...not just for her, but for you. Enjoy today, my friend. Live in the moment. Yes, I applaud you for have good intentions for tomorrow. That is awesome, but you don't know the person. Here is a great book for you... I STRONGLY urge you to read it. It is called Change Your Mind and Change Your Life by Karen Casey. You might find it at your local bookstore. It will teach you about living in the moment, accepting what is, not pushing, and letting go. It is so awesome. YOU will feel better. I read it over and over. It will help you feel serene when you get the pushing feeling in your chest like you need something to happen, and you want to control some outcome that really is out of your control. It is such a great book. I recommend it over and over on this site, but so far, I don't know of anyone who has taken me up on it. I do know of CODA members who have read it, and my sis in law. Everyone I know who has read it, simply raves about it. So, do yourself a favor and read that book ASAP if you want to feel better about this situation and if you find yourself wanting to control outcomes.

Okay, so I sincerely hope that helps.

Peace, love, and serenity,
P&L

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