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ladeska, gras
May 2, 2001
6:15 pm
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salna
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Hi gras/Ladeska
You know what you siad on the last thread. Has really help me put thinks in perspective. And what you said is very true. It hurt's alot but i am glad that i am finally facing it i don,t know how you've manage to know exactly how I feel.
I have spent the day feel very angry at the world, because i had to go through all of that. Whenever i will see a couple hugging or playing around, i would go like when will i ever be so relaxed to let it happen.
I also feel that if that so many people i have abuse me what's left. It,s almost like their's no use. What's their to preserve. Our who am I

May 2, 2001
6:20 pm
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Okay Sweets - and thank you for the compliment - just glad I make you feel comfortable. (smile) I'll check back later on tonight to see what you write. I kinda thought you might have been writing to both of us - but wasn't real sure about it. Thanks for clearing that up. As far as the sexual thing is concerned - I ditto what Grass said - I'd protect myself right now if I were you and heal more... Otherwise, you're going to make something grow crooked here inside of you...you're going to wall up places that need sunlight and nourishment right now and definitely don't need more trauma and being sexually active right now - would be trauma for you. It's okay to protect you - to take the time to be good to yourself and to not feel like you have to prove anything to anyone. We don't take care of ourselves in this area like we should. Just because we don't see blood - we assume - that all is okay. These wounds go deep and the man that has this place in your life needs to be someone who knows how to treat you, respect you and love you - all of you and that includes your hurt places. But - you have to be the one that comes up with a description of that particular man and not let anyone else through the door. Otherwise - you are inviting someone to hurt you again and again and saying - it's okay. So - "you" be responsible here for your own healing and take an active role in protecting yourself - okay? You can do this and it's time you hold that pretty little head of yours up and announce to the world - I'm worth this and I'm not settling for less..

May 2, 2001
11:22 pm
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salna
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Hi Lasdeska
Its 11:00 Just wonering whether you are still on line. If not we shall converse some other day.
You know I've been saying that for the longest time. Nobody knows I am having sex, if fact most people think that i am still a virgin. It it irritates me. I constantly hear that I am afraid of men or that I must be a lesbian and this reaaally annoys me. I survive this irgnorant remarks, by say to myself that I know what I know and I know what I am about , but sometimes it can be a real pain in the neck. I as long as I am alive i guess I can survive that.

May 3, 2001
11:06 am
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Ladeska
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Salna...if you don't mind me asking - was wondering how old you are and if you live in the U.S.?

And yes, I concur with the hopelessness you can feel sometimes dealing with this whole issue.. Society at large doesn't really have a clue how much it really happens to people and how severe it is.. But, you know what - the human spirit is very strong, is very awesome and can overcome just about anything that can happen to us. You add God into that mixture and since He's the author of Life - anything can be raised up from the dead!!! I would know - because I was pretty dead inside after everything happened to me over a 17 yr. period. So, yes, there is life after all of this...just have to hang on and go through the healing process a small step at a time and most of all....be very gentle with you and know that you are not alone - there's alot of us out there and we need to band together and share our strengths with one another. And we have Alot of strengths and talents.

May 5, 2001
10:39 am
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salna
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Hi
I am 25 years old and live in the Caribbean.
I am rushing out to work now and shall chat later.
Hi Grass how are you.
Enjoy your weekend.
And May God bless you all.
salna. Do you live in the US?

May 6, 2001
3:33 pm
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Ladeska
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Yes, I do live in the U.S. In southern Calif. May God richly bless you too, sweetheart. (smiles and hugs) You're very precious to Him and to us.

May 6, 2001
7:25 pm
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salna
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Hi Ladeska,
How are you MY curiousity got the best of me. Why did you want to know my age and address.
Hi Grass i have not heard from you are you alright i miss hearing from you.
Have any one of you been to counseling if so how was it. I am feeling terrified about going to my session on Tuesday. Although I must admit that conversing with you guys have made me feel better and in a sense bolder and stronger.
Grass i gather from what you said that from your lastthread that, you really understood who i feel about sex and kissing it is a relief that i am not that strange. BUt how did you over come that kissing and sex thing.
ONly today i took the smell of wrigley big red and upset me so must, i iwas really vomiting ,because it smell so much of sperm, like when i was very young. I really need to get over that. And be normal. I mean can you really be normal like everybody else.
One of the question i have always wanted to ask my counsellor and i have been so ashame to , partly because i am still very much confuse about it. Was i ever a virgin, or if somebody were to ask at what is i started having sex, i just counldn't answer, Is it the first time i was abused or is it the first time willing had sex. You know i have alwys wonder what it is to be innocent. And it hurts so much that i was deprive of that.
I hope i am not bothering you to much, I thik I better stop here.
Till I hear from you all.
God Bless and please continue you to be strong.
thanks salna

May 8, 2001
4:25 pm
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Ladeska
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Salna....no, no, didn't want to know your address and don't ever give that out here. Was just wondering where you were from, could tell from the way you word things - you weren't from the U.S. (smile) Is cute, the way you write. And, also just wanted to know your age, so I could talk to you better.

As far as "when were you a virgin?" No. 1 - it's no one's business unless you are going to spend the rest of your life with them... There is some information about yourself that just isn't anyone else's right to have. Especially, if it is of a sensitive nature. You have to really know if you can trust them with some information or not. And if you can't - giving the wrong people some information could end up hurting you ten times worse than ever before. I've learned that people are so very stupid when it comes to rape and incest. They avoid the subject like the plague, therefore - end up not being educated at all - or with bad misconceptions. So, you have to really learn "who" you can talk to and who you can't. When you get stronger and some healing under your belt and have a real strong self-esteem - by all means - tell the world what you know and educate them!!! (smile)

But, for now, you need to protect yourself and have a very few people that you can trust with this information.

Our body remembers so much Salna....and as time goes on it tries to process all this and connect the body with the head and those with the heart. You're trying to become "whole" in all of this. Your whole self - knows it needs to heal and reconnect and not be these separate pieces laying all over the floor....and that will happen...but, it will take time and it will take - you being gentle with yourself.

I know all about the smells, the taste thing, all the ways you can "remember" in your body and through your senses. You've recorded all of this in various ways - within yourself. One by one these doors will be unlocked by you or will unlock all by themselves and you will need to give them the freedom to be free and to fly out "from you" - not to be held a prisoner in the dark shadows - but to come out into the light and be seen and heard and felt. That is the only way - they stop being such a tremendous force within you - like a volcano erupting constantly.

At a waste dump - where people bury trash - you have all this stuff rotting....which turns into poisonous, explosive gas and if you don't put vents in the hillside - at some point - it will explode and level the place. Same thing with us. You've had some very poisonous stuff dumped on you and inside you and the lies that you've believed about yourself have all grown into a poisonous gas. So now, we have to bring all this out into the light and dispose of lies, cut out the poison - give you some fresh air in there and start rebuilding what was torn apart...it's kinda like surgery.

The important thing is - you are here and you are on your way... Please understand that if you stay on the road to healing...you will probably end up being stronger than many people around you that have had no such trauma in their lives... Sometimes, pain has a way of digging a deep cavern in us where only the most beautiful things grow. You have a deep place then to hold more beauty, more compassion, more wisdom, more abundant life and liveliness...you "remember" that..(hugs...kiss on your forehead)

May 8, 2001
10:35 pm
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salna
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HI
Grass! I really need to know that you are ok. so if you are/not please let me know. I really miss you.

Ladeska thank you for keeping in touch. I really appreciate it. I feel good within myself now that i know that i could talk and not feel so embarrassed. Also that i could talk to somebody other than my therapist. Even to talk about my sessions. Can you believe that nobody I mean nobody knows that i am seeing a therapist. So its a nice feeling knowing that i could talk to somebody about my sessions. I went to sessions to today and it wasn,t that bad. I actually felt like i was in control at lest she let me have my way.
We discuss some of what happen during the sexual abuse it was really hard, but I guess i survived at lest just for today.

And I thank God for people like you and grass for caring enough to volunteer your time and comfort.
Thank you and May God Bless you all.
With sincere appreciation.
Salna

[And judging from your wording wisdom, I would think that you are in your middle 30ths or older.] I have always been right in the pass from juding peoples age, so i had better be right.

May 9, 2001
1:01 am
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Ladeska
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Salna....I'm 47. People always guess me to be younger in person by about ten years, but in words - just writing - I usually come across alot older. Funny, huh?

So glad you feel comfortable here with us, sweetheart. That means alot to me. You're very brave and this is a hard thing to do - it really is. I remember all my shaky times...remember them well. Glad you have a good therapist, too. That's important. Keep going. There will be good days and bad. You have to go through all that. Being in control is good at times and other times - you have to let go inside...

At any rate, you don't have to thank me for being here....I know how it feels to be where you are. I know how lonely it is. It's a priviledge to be here and to let you know - your abuse isn't "who" you are...

May 13, 2001
10:25 pm
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grass
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Yeah, I'm o.k. I just haven't had access to a computer for a while. I've kept you in my mind though.
You sound like you are doing a little better...you're asking alot of questions, which is good, questions lead to answers...(duh:)
About the kissing and sex thing, to get over it...well I'm not completely over it. I have a boyfriend I've been seeing for a month, I am comfortable with the kissing thing now, but I will not have sex with him until I am married. I've had sex with my ex and I know that I need to feel safe and comfortable with my body before I enter that area. I need to feel safe with kissing too.

What I had to do is take time and not date. since my last boyfriend I have been single for a year. During this year I really sought healing in that area and tried to figure out what sexual activities mean to me and how they aply to my life and especially how all of the abuse I have experienced has distorted my view of sexuality. Truthfully, it was Jesus that healed me...I am a beleiver, I haven't always been one, just the last couple of years. I don't know if you understand, but I searched for how God values me and my body, and how sex was primarily intended for. Then I searched for how the sexual abuse I have experienced changed my view of sex from what the world has shown me it is to- what it is intended for.

It takes time...know matter how you view it (biblically or not). and being in a relationship with someone is just going to be pouring salt on the wounds that were put there. You need to take time, disinfect them, bandage them and then when they are healed and the time is right you will know. Yes you can have a healthy "normal" relationship with someone someday. I know b/c I have waited for so long, I was faithful to my healing and I am being blessed with a wonderful man that compliments my healing. I beleive that the same can happen to you. Just keep at it..:)

May 13, 2001
11:41 pm
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salna
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Hi Grass
It is so nice to hear from you. I am glad that you are ok.

I will agree with you there on the Jesus, believe me if it wasn,t for him i really believe that i would have killed myself or go around having sex with whom ever. I am keeping the faith that i will one day get to like kissing and having sex. I am just , i guess getting worried that i am getting older and that people are pressuring you into things, just because they are comfortable with them.

I do understand where you are coming from with your believing in jesus and his healing, this is one sure and secure feeling knowing that you cannot go wrong believing and keeping to his word. I really admire you for that. I think i should really begin to be more believing and faithful to him. Coming to think of it i do miss being intimate with him.I should really get back on track.
May God bless you always.
Thank you
Hi Ladeska how are you.
May you have a peaceful and joyeous week.
salna

May 14, 2001
6:44 pm
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Ladeska
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Hi Girlfriends! I'm fine, just enjoying your conversation and nodding in agreement...it takes time to heal and it needs to be done with loving care and one step at a time. It's definitely not about you performing it's about you being safe to bloom as God would have you do...in that timing, His timing... We would bloom like a beautiful rose without an hindrance at at all except for that "sin" word and that "will" word here. Seems to be a fly in the ointment, doesn't it? However, there's also that "grace" word and that Unconditional Love thing...works miracles - everytime - if we'll get in rythm with it...(smiles)

May 14, 2001
11:19 pm
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salna
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Hi there,
You all are so cool, have a wonderful week

May 15, 2001
10:50 am
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Ladeska
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You too, Toots!

May 16, 2001
6:00 pm
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salna
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Hi Ladeska and Grass
Trust that you had a wonderful weekend.
I wenttomy session today. Still feeling a bit down and angry in fact this is the first time I have been able to to place a specific feeling the persons who baused me as a child.
Whilst in therapy i was able to for the first time, understand and believe that it wasn,t my fault and i am in no way responsible for what they did. I guess i can safely say that i have stop blaming myself.
The thing now is that i feel so used and exploited, and it is sicking, I know that I feel angry and hurt but have not be able to express that. I just feel a bit numb. I just feel powerless. And hurting so much that i just want to smash my head or even their head.

May 17, 2001
11:16 am
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Ladeska
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Salna....we have to compartmentalize our our memories, the past, the present, our expectations, our anger, our pain because to bring it together and into the center of us is too much too handle until we get each and every part healthy and try to connect one part to one other part a little at a time.

We stuff things off into rooms or compartments because everything has so much intense power to it that it would literally blow you apart to bring it all together.

You're where you should be right now and having your anger or pain is something you really have to "feel" and yet at the same time be responsible with that energy. It's funny how - when you start realizing that you didn't do anything to cause this at all - how you start getting really, really angry. Shows you the lie that you believed - the instant that it happened and how it's kept you immobilized and sick ever since.

Lies are like poison - once believed they start killing you slowly from the inside out, taking with it - everything it touches. So, once you disbelieve it - everything starts coming to life again and sometimes that means you have a bit of rage that comes with that. Like a giant that has been in a coma and then all of a sudden - takes a big gulp of air and sits up and expels it, opening his eyes and bursting back into the world with full force.

What you are doing now is expelling outward - this poison, these lies that you believed to be truth. You are throwing them up and all the diseased places with it. You will do quite a bit of emotional throw-up, but it is necessary for your healing. It has to be done. Little by little - you'll get your strength back, seeds will start having little sprouts and where all that decay was - a garden will emerge...

Spring is coming.....

May 17, 2001
8:22 pm
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Hi
You are right.I am feeling a bit better today. and i am really looking forward to summer.[smile] Enjoy your weekend

May 18, 2001
5:24 pm
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grass
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I couldn't agree with Ladeska more about the compartment stuff and lies/poison. You are where you need to be and yes it's hard, but one day you are going to be able to give yourself a huge pat on the back and say wow! look at how far I have come and I can finally breath now. What a wonderful time that will be.

Write out all of your anger and pain if you have to. Let it out in healthy ways...please don't smash your head, that will just shove all of the hurt back in...Let it all out. I'm glad you are in couselling, keep up with it, sometimes it takes a while, especially if you locked all of your memories/pain in suitcases...I think it's vacation time and the suitcases need to be opened...Party time! 🙂

May 21, 2001
2:22 pm
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salna
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Hi Ladeska and Grass
How was your weekend?
I went to my sessions today, and i don,t think i can do this anymore it is just too hard. For my next session i have to write or talk about what i can remember about the abuse, i mean every incident of what took place. And i really don,t think i can do this. I wish i could just forget, and make believe that nothing happen, i was told that it was time to start believing that something, and not just stay in a state of denial.
But i really don,t think i can do this.

May 22, 2001
11:03 am
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Ladeska
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Salna.....sweetheart....that's the lie that is attached to the abuse itself....the lie that you have believed - that your abuse is stronger than you are. It's a normal kind of lie that we would tell ourselves - we were too helpless to prevent this from happening, so - then forevermore - it is written in stone that we are weaker than what happened to us.

Not true... It's one thing to have something happen during a moment in time and we reel from it, it's another to say that is the state we shall live in for the rest of our lives! Um no.....you believe that you are still knocked down and ridden with fear and pain....but, the truth is - you're not there anymore, Salna. You are moving on and you have to resist the small, little, pathetic mouse in your closet that roars like a lion and says - You'll never be rid of me - see how fierce and powerful I am against you!!???

As long as you listen and believe that stupid voice - the more you shall remain behind bars that don't exist. You aren't in a prison, but you "believe" that you are...

It's kinda like getting well from a snake bite - you have to drink something made from the venom in order to be okay. What is illicit in this world is not alive.....it eats liveliness and what is alive because it is very dead in and of itself. It consumes because it does not generate anything of "life" within itself. It's predatory..

What happened to you is - predatory. And it's time - the hunter became the hunted.... I don't know about you but with me - there comes a moment in time after I've sat around and cried in my cornflakes, reeled in my pain and hid in the shadows - when I start getting really angry - like....you "did what" to me????? And you're lurking around in the shadows of my head and life thinking that you are STILL going to control me and make me live in some kind of fear???? ARE YOU FREAKING OUT OF YOUR MIND????? I DON'T THINK SO!!!!

It's time to get angry, Salna. To stand up and take your life back. To do what you could not do then - FIGHT!!! No more brainwashing from all these lies....you most certainly CAN do this. And you have to do this. No one said it would be easy - but it's the only to turning the tables here and taking control back for yourself.

You are going back into this - not as a victim - but as a person who is going to kick butt and take names. You aren't that victim anymore - you are the part of yourself that is strong and getting stronger and says - you know.....I will NOT allow you or anyone else to steal from my life in this way again. Not now - not ever!!

Going through what your therapist is asking you to do is about - you - becoming a warrior, Salna. I know it doesn't feel good.....training never does, it hurts. But, there are no chains on you, no prison walls and you have to go here to see that. Your perpetrator is long gone - like most cowards do. They are pathethic little spineless creatures that steal from people.

But, you......have an enormous amount of power inside you that is just waiting to be "lit up", so get the matches out my dear and get ready to rumble because - I have no doubt in my mind that when you do get ahold of what I'm telling you here - you're going to tock and roll...

It's okay to be vulnerable, to feel things again....but that's not about you being helpless now - it's about you going back and getting that hurt person and saying - get up and come with me...it wasn't your fault, it wasn't about you and I've come to not only "know your pain" but to take you home with me and make you a whole part of who I am.

Yes.....you "can" do this..

May 22, 2001
8:53 pm
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salna
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Hi Ladeska
I am so very scared, i wish i did not
have to go through that, i understnad what you read, and it has gotten me upset and even angrier, because i know that i have to face it. I really feel that I will not be able to survive it i am so scared.

May 22, 2001
8:59 pm
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I am trying to write aboout it, and it is terrfying, I try to talk about it and i feel so embarrassed that nothing comes out. Can you understand that. But i can certainly say that what you wrote have maid me change my mid about not going back to my sessions
Thank you

May 22, 2001
10:59 pm
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Ladeska
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I totally understand.....I really do, but....I've gone through it and come out the other side...so...I know that the mouse in the closet is a mouse in the closet. And, I've learned that my muscle and willpower in this world counts for something because - I make it count for something. People and things don't have power over you unless you let them have power over you. Being powerless because you are victimized or young or overcome by a stronger force is one thing...but...to remain in that condition is another.

The thing that is stumping you here is - you've believed this was your fault. That happens when it's someone you "know". They mind screw you - quite simply - that's what happens. And you walk away going - it must have been something I did to make them do this to me. Otherwise, there would be no guilt, no fear, no embarrassment. You'd be able to kick butt and take names here.

Therefore....the "lie" needs to be looked at and disbelieved by you, Salna. You did not.... make this person do this to you....period. End of story. It wasn't your perfume, or the way your hair flowed or the way you walked or talked or dressed or the way you're built.

This person was a predatory kind of person / animal. And he saw you as "food" for his void, so he reached out and took it, stole it. And you....have to reach back and bring your rights, your self respect and dignity back. And you will have to do to this with much force. Being angry will help. You need to be freaking angry!!!! You were invaded!!!!

So.......take these sessions by storm and even if you hurt - plow through anyways because in the end even "your pain and your vulnerableness" will be stronger than.....what happened to you. Even in your weakness you will come up out of it breathing a breath of victory that your perpetrator - won't be breathing. You will...overcome by walking through this fire and meeting your fear head on. I did it. You can, too. You must do this. No if, ands and buts about it..

It isn't our rigid confident self that is strong...it's our willow tree that bends in the strong winds and survives where the big strong rigid oak tree comes up by it's roots in a strong wind... You think about that..

Christ didn't give us a spirit of fear. He gave us a sound mind and a spirit of confidence so that we can meet our enemies head-on and still "live" - even though they throw bombs into our camps that would kill most people from the inside out.

Inside....where our spirit lives...we are very much "alive". So, okay fine, you're going to bleed a little, you're going to wail and hurt....you still hold that pretty little head of yours up and say to your enemies...and "I WILL BE STRONGER THAN YOU....EVEN IN....MY WEAKNESS...

No more stealing from me....I've come to take it back!

May 23, 2001
1:15 pm
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salna
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Ladeska,
I really had to laugh in sprite of my self. My therapist did tell me that i seems i still blame myself and i flatly told her she was wrong. But it is true. I must say that you really know your stuff. I am begining to feel that I can, at lest just because i know that you will be there.
Thank you
You pretty much convinced me, Really wish i could huig you right now. But i guess i just have to imagine that i am{smile].
talk to you later

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