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ladeska, gras
April 22, 2001
12:41 am
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salna
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How do I get in touchwith you
chow salna

April 22, 2001
2:24 pm
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Ladeska
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Hi Salna....I'm here. Usually check in everyday....

April 22, 2001
4:14 pm
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salna
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Hi Ladeska, gras
How are you today. Are you there now if you please come in now.
Thank you

April 22, 2001
4:41 pm
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salna
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April 22, 2001
5:09 pm
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eve
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hi salna, this is not a chat. It's a message board. You write what you want to say. And when you return next day there will be some answers. Slow, but sometimes this time helps me think. Bye eve

April 22, 2001
7:28 pm
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Ladeska
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I'm here, in and out, but I don't sit and wait for people to post, like Eve said - it's not like chat.

April 23, 2001
12:12 am
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salna
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Hi
Thanks for replying. I feel like such a jerk. sorry i did'nt know I just wanted to know.

April 23, 2001
11:23 am
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grass
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Hi sweetheart. It's o.k.
I haven't been available lately, Sorry :(. but I am finished a very busy time and will be able to correspond more now.
It seems like your having a hard time right now, getting through your days, whats on your mind that you need to talk about? I'll check back in an hour or so. Do me a favour and smile šŸ™‚

April 23, 2001
11:42 am
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Ladeska
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Do need to feel like a jerk. You did nothing wrong. (smile) Did you want to talk about something ?

April 23, 2001
7:55 pm
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grass
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Salna,
Hey girl..I tried to tlk to you on e-mail but it seems to be down, the server won't let me in. I'm just wondering how youn are doing today. You came on here about a week ago feeling pain aout the past and not being able to develop healthy realtionships and you haven't said much since, just wondering how you are holding up... I'll be checking back a few times over the next few hours.

April 25, 2001
8:47 pm
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salna
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Hi gras or ladeska,
My computer has been down for a while.
I am back i am so happy. If you are there now please let me now. Thanks

April 25, 2001
11:31 pm
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Ladeska
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I'm checking in real quick, but will be back on tom., so write down what's on your mind and I'll respond. 'kay?

April 26, 2001
8:04 am
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salna
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Hi there
Thanks for replying.
I have continue to be in counselling in fact i was there two days ago. I opened up a little, god it was so embrassing i dont't even know if i can go back there. I got upset and everything. I just hate talking about this things. My counsellor she is all right I think at lest she understands. Only thing i have continue to have this flashbacks and this awful smell. I just cannot continue. This makes me feel so sick.

April 26, 2001
11:49 am
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Ladeska
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Salna.....I assume that you are talking about an experience that happened to you that was abuse - sexual? You also sound like you are rather young.

Yes, you do - have to continue counseling.....is very important for you. The thing is - this was done "to" you and isn't about you doing anything wrong. You're going to get upset and that's very normal......it's like you have this poison running around inside you and it needs to come out before you start feeling better.

It is very embarrassing to talk about all this.....I very much understand that.....but, you need to do it.....all this needs to come up and out of you. Here is a good place to do that as well. You don't have to look at anyone, can just type and be in your own space.

I very much know how you are feeling......very alone, trapped inside your own body and like you are totally different from anyone else on the planet. Well......you have a lot of people out there who do understand you....you just haven't connected with them yet - but you've started that by being here. Grass and I - deeply understand and are here for you. So talk when you can and please continue to go to your counseling. Hang on with everything you've got. You need to be there......

Things can and do get better. There is life after all of this. I know it doesn't feel much like it now - but the sun does shine someday.....(smile) You are very precious and absolutely did not deserve any of this horror touching you. The world has some really ugly people and vile people in it and unfortunately - they want to take, destroy and make other people as miserable as they are. But........the thing about the human spirit is - we can overcome more than you've ever dreamed about. The very thing that darkness cowers at and is completely consumed by is - light. That's a scientific fact. It's also an emotional and spiritual truth as well. So......let's be about shining light into dark corners here and give you some tender loving care.....okay? (HUGS)

April 27, 2001
3:07 pm
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grass
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I wnat to encourage you to continue counselling...it's coming...your healing is coming. Seeking help through counselling is not a weakness and is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, it is a strength to be able to say "this is so big, so painful and I need help dealing, so please help me". I know it's hard, it does make you sick to your stomache, but like Ladeska said it is the "poison" in you. I know it makes you want to curl up in a ball and cry forever...do it, it's ok to cry/scream, but not forever b/c you have a sweet beauty to you that is waiting to get out, don't hide it from the world.

I do feel for you...it's heartbreaking that one must go through so much pain...you know what gets you through? The little things...the wind blowing through your hair, the sun shining through your window in the morning, a kind word spoken to you, you giving encouragement to someone else...
Hang-on, I beleive in you šŸ˜‰

April 27, 2001
6:54 pm
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salna
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Hi Gras< Ladeska Thank you it really mmeans a lot to me. I feel at least somebody cares. I have an appointment on tuesday, I think i will make it at least i have live through this one and that i didn,t die of embrassement. I do have a homework for her which is to write down as much as i can remember about the sexually abuse, we are tackling this one first. And i have no idea where to start. I am so afraid of facing myself. Makes me want to bit myself up against a wall or start pinching my skin. But i promise her that i will at least try and i do not want to disappoint her. And Grass i really like what you said about the wind blowing ect. this is just my kind of thinking. Ladeska you are one of those who makes me feel reaaly secure,thanks to you both.

April 27, 2001
7:28 pm
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grass
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Oh hunny, I know that you want to hurt yourself to get rid of the emotional pain you are feeling. Please fight the desire to do that (biting yourself and hitting your head) I used to do that fairly often. People who have experienced severe sexual abuse do it, they do b/c they can handle the physical pain more so than the emotional, infact the physical pain can almost feel good in comparision to the ripping pain inside. But please hunny don't let yourself fall into that trap, b/c it is only temporary releif. You can spend years in couselling, but if you surpress the pain in unhealthy ways outside of the sessions, you still have the pain to deal with. It needs to be faced sooner or later, hurting yourself an surpressing it just delays your healing. When you feel like doing it, when the pain is driving you mad, write it down, even scribble if you have to...do you like to draw. I find that sketching what you are feeling helps alot.

I'm glad you are going back to your counellor, don't let the nasty lie of shame get the best of you. Shame is something that makes you feel embarrassed about yourself when someone else deserves it. You have done nothing wrong, take those feelings and place them on the one who deserves them, the ones that have hurt you. They are the shameful ones.
In my prayers šŸ™‚

April 27, 2001
10:27 pm
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salna
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gras thank you for replying.
My counsellors says that keeping secrets could be harmful. I know that one of my larger fears is that other people will now. No one in my family knows or at least i think so. And i am scared to death that they will find out. They also do not know that i was raped. Also my co-workers do not know about the raped.except for the housekeeper at my friend who knows my co-workers and each time she calls i usually get so nervous or self concious that she will say something. I really cannot leave like this anymore. Intelligiently i know it wasn,t my fault. But on the other hand i just cannot belive that this has happen and that i am not to be blamed.
I hope that i am not bothering you. Thanks salna

April 28, 2001
10:28 pm
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Ladeska
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Salna.....I do very much understand what you are going through...I was raped repeatedly as a child, started when I was in 4th grade. I know all about the shame and the guilt that you can lay on yourself.... But, a child doesn't know what to do with that kind of trauma and a grown woman doesn't either. We think we have to label someone the bad guy and since we are trained in this society to believe that because a woman is pretty or able to have sex - then - she must have been the reason - the perpetrator came over to her and started the whole thing.

We advertised - they came. Isn't that the way the marketing game goes? Well.....it's a horrible scam and lie and it destroys us from the inside out....IF we believe it to be true.

It isn't true. Those who hurt us - have willpower to resist hurting people. They know better, we don't twist their arm because we happen to be pretty or vulnerable or alone or "just there" in front of them. They choose to do this evil. And we have to choose to not allow this knife to continue piercing us through...this is where you talking comes into play.....where you start bleeding all of this poison out of you - so that your wound can really heal properly and so that the poison can get flushed out.

You have to be around people that can be trusted though - to do this. Trained people, people who can understand because they have been there or just have tremendous compassion and the gifting to stand beside you.

No other people need to know or to be let into your inner circle. Keep your circle "safe". I am so glad you are here.....I'm glad you feel safe talking to me, to Grass. We do understand and have walked in your shoes...One day at a time....one step at a time.... this is going to take time.... you are not the one that should feel ashamed here....he should. Which brings me to a question...has he been turned in by you? If not, he should be turned into the police right away.

Just feel free to talk here....say what you are feeling, not able to feel, think, whatever....we're here. And keep talking to your therapist....make little notes during the day and take them in...it helps.

April 28, 2001
11:57 pm
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salna
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Grass
I cannot turn him in. what diffeence would it do. The hardest think about it is that he is Schenzophenic[hope i splet it right] he is crazy in real life. My mother and a couple of my uncles do suffer from depression, manic depression i think and somtimes i talking therapy works. I grew up in this that of mood swings. So when i was introduce to him i knew he wasn't metally sound. But i did not know that it was schizo. I would sit down and listen to him. But i did,t realize that he was getting attach to me. We i did i started pulling out a quite a bit, this got him very upset, so finally he,d stopped taking to me not even greeting me, this went on for about 3 months. I had comp-letely forgotten that he was there.
One day it was business as usual when he came in and said that it was his birthday and that he wants me to have a child with him. You know i could,nt believe him. but then it happened. I did tell his sister with whom i was very close. She did confront him ,but he he siad i want it and that it wasn,t rape, he said calling all the names imaginable. Made me feel even worst. He then in the days which follows started burning himself up. cutting himself ect. He even had to hosipitalized. I have been feeling that i was all my fault that he went back to the hospital.. So you see one day i am very anry at him, next time i feel sory for him, and it has been like a roll coaster alternating each time. I want to forget pretend that it never happen but for to years i have not been able to do so.

I am so sorry you had to go through this so early in life. It is just horrible, how can anybody cope with such terrible and traumaizing things.
I hope you continue to be strong and helpful. I am gald you have survive this chapter of your life. I am very, very proud of you.
May god bless you
salna

April 29, 2001
1:42 pm
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grass
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What difference would it do? It would stop this man (whom I understand is very sick) from doing what he did to you to other girls. I do understand that he is mentally sick, but if he cannot be in society without doing harm to others then he needs to be placed somewhere where he can get help and not hurt anyone again.

He took your rights away, I'm not suggesting to take his away by throwing him in jail, but someone needs to know so that he can get help, so he doesn't attach himself to someone else and take their rights away.

It's not your fault that he is sick and that he had to go to the hospital, you did nothing to him...you are the victim here not him, if you didn't want it then it was rape and I'm sorry...I know you have been living in the nightmare for two years now, it may be time to shine some light in clear out all of the nasty lies that are embedded in you from what happened. One clear lie is guilt-you are blaming yourself for something that IS NOT YOUR FAULT Another is shame- you are carrying shame that is rightfully his to be carrying.

It's time to search and reveal the truth. I know that you don't want to but until you do you are going to continue living in this nightmare and not be able to move on in your life, you will continue to have flashbacks, you will continue to hate yourself and you don't deserve any of this.

you seem to have a good understanding of yourself and right now you understand that you have not been able to move beyond this by ignoring and pretending it never happened. I want you to not only be a survivor but to be triumphant by facing and healing...
You are a gift to this world and don't let anyone or anything tell you otherwise.

April 29, 2001
11:41 pm
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salna
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Hi grass
Thank you. I am thinking of what you said. Especially the part where i will continue to have flashbacks ect. I am really very upset about that, i want very much for it to stop.
Actually i am having a problem. And its been there for a while now it is getting increasing worst. I do have that male friend of mine he wants us to have sex. I have twice but what is happening is that i hate kissing so much it so Yack. And most times it is irriating just having me touch me But go along with it just to please him and i guest make my self feel better.
It that normal
What is going on with ladeska to you know. Haven,t heard from her.

May 1, 2001
2:17 pm
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grass
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Yes, it is normal for you to have sex with a man and hate it at the same time...doing it just for him. There are several reasons that you may be doing this. One is that you may be having sex to try to get over your sexual dysfunction, by having sex you are trying to say to yourself and the man that raped you, that you are o.k. and that you are not ruined sexually, you may be trying to make your body feel "normal" sexually. but your body is not comfortable with it, you are not healthy enough to engage in a sexualy relationship yet, so your body rejects the sex, while your mind tries to tell you that it is something you want.

Another reason for having sex when you really don't want to, may be b/c you feel that it is all you are worth, you can't beleive that someone could like you or see you for more than your body. This one is a BIG LIE.

I know that this is tearing you apart. After I was raped, I made out with guys and gave myself to them. I didn't enjoy it, and like you, I detested kissing. I never understood why I would behave that way, b/c you would think that someone who was raped would never enter relationships (or one night things) like that, but b/c of the obove reasons I did. There are many other explainations that could explain, but this is all that I can think of for now.

My suggestion to you is to stop giving yourself sexually so that you can heal and can feel safe and comfortable in your body again.

Kay, I need to go back to work now. I'll try to check in tomorrow. Oh, and I don't really know where Ladeska has been šŸ˜‰ God bless you Salna

May 1, 2001
9:51 pm
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Hi guys...haven't been around much the last few days...but here now. I wrote you something Salna on the 29th, but you didn't seem to really respond to it that much, so I was just letting you talk to Grass without interrupting, that's all. She's got alot of insight and you guys are really hitting it off. I just don't always feel like I need to put in my two cents worth. But, I'm here and have been a little under the weather lately, but gettng back into the swing of things. Have needed to just get some rest. Will give you my thoughts later on some things, still thinking about them and what I want to say to you.. Just so glad you are here and that you are sticking with your therapist...sounds like a keeper. I know it's tough to talk, but there's no other way for it to come up and out of you. You have to go through this...takes time, be gentle with yourself and just plow through one day at a time. I'm here though....so ask whatever and I'll chime in...

May 2, 2001
6:07 pm
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salna
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Ladeska,
Hi I read over all the conversations because i felt something was wrong there. Acutally the one on the 28 was suppose to be to the two of you. and mostly especially the last paragraph on the 28th .
I am very happy to hear from you.
You know i just like i am trying to get the word for it, i think it,s your manner of thinking. I think that you are a very cool, understanding and considerate.
I"ll be on line later on chat later
salna

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