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Ladeska and others - I failed
October 30, 2006
4:57 pm
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2alone
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I wrote you a few weeks ago about the man I date asking if you thought he was a CA. You told me that I know the truth but I'm not willing to accept it. I thought I was wise to what you told me and I could follow my gut- I pulled back. He chased me. I was strong and started moving forward with my life - taking care of myself. He pursued even more....even sending flowers. This past week I received a horrible note from my ex-husband's girlfriend. It really shook me up and I immediately called the boyfriend. He sympathized with me but he had meetings to go to and I had work. He didn't call at all the rest of the day - or the next day. I didn't call him. I made excuses that he was busy - or tired - or whatever. He sent me a text message at noon the next day. It bothered me that I was only worth a text message. He didn't call at night - he then text messaged me at 10pm "Take care of yourself." I didn't understand what I had done. I called him - he refused to answer. I paniced. I cried. I fretted. But I stayed strong. By Sunday he emailed me - it was my fault - I wasn't doing enough to be with him. He didn't appreciate that the note from my ex-husband's girlfriend dragged him into our custody mess. In short - its all my fault. I called him. I tried to stay strong. I agreed that I wasn't the woman for him. But he twisted it around - he made me think it was me. I believe it is me. I told him we should end it. He back peddled and said he loves me, can't live without me. I caved and said we could try it again. I'm kicking myself... wondering again if only I did something better that he would just love me and it wouldn't be my fault. My mom tells me that I don't fight well because I was an only child. She tells me that he's a good man from what she sees and that I am lucky he will put up with me. It just hurts so much... I want to be strong. I want to stand up for myself... I start to...and then... I listen to what he says to me. Why can't I be strong for myself?? Why do I let him define me??

October 30, 2006
5:15 pm
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would you feel more at ease - or less critical with yourself - if you´d let "us" (ladeska & others...) define you ?

October 30, 2006
5:18 pm
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StronginHim77
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2alone -

This guy is a classic CA. You know this. (Before I forget, your mother is not exactly a blessing in your life, either. I would stop listening to her. She gives you HORRIBLE messages about yourself.)

You are "lucky" that he will "put up with" you?? Please. Give me a break. This guy is a predator and you are his prey. It is all about control. He is enjoying the tar out of your misery. It inflates his ego. He is SICK. That is not love. It is SICK behavior. Run from this guy. Shut the door on his face. Firmly establish No Contact and get yourself into a local CODA group and/or private therapy to learn why you tolerate such abuse. (Hint: Your mother might have quite a bit to do with it.)

- Strong

October 30, 2006
10:58 pm
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Travlin_lite
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2alone,
I'm glad you came in here with such honesty, and released your feelings with the group. I've been there too many times to count. A question I ask myself a few weeks ago after my last relationship which is helping me define any other relationships is Why does the abused go back to the abuser? I really had to study that question personally because everyone could have put their input but I had to answer why in my own life a few examples were: acceptance, approval, support, lonliness, inability to cope you get my drift. So then I ask myself how could I meet those needs myself. This has helped me take my own inventory of why my feelings and help with my healing..just sharing and like I had said in a earlier thread I have been crossing the days out with a green marker for "peace" for everyday that I don't have contact and guess what almost the end of the month and I only had a couple days uncrossed but I had a whole lot of days crossed..Worked for me!! Keep sharing this is healing for you and will help you in the long run. Hug to you!

October 31, 2006
8:47 am
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2alone
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Thank you. I know from reading other posts that accepting this behavior begins and ends with me. I allow it to happen. I know I don't feel worthy of true love. I know I feel imperfect and needy. I want to work on those feelings and thoughts and change it in me. I guess the problem I have is that while I feel these things its so hard to kick the bad influences out of my life...which in turn hinders the progress I can make with myself. I thought I could be strong and then I folded like a deck of cards. It just seems so easy to believe that everything is my fault and I'm responsible for everything and everyone. I do gain a lot of strength from people here. I read a lot. I see the success of others and I know it could be me one day. I just wish I could be strong right now.

October 31, 2006
9:55 am
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cyndra820
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2Alone,

I know exactly how you feel!!

I often blame myself when I feel unloved when in truth it is someone else who isn't acting loving towards me.

Standing up for yourself is something that didn't come easy to me. I repeated some of the behaviors I had seen myself doing in my marriage with my xso.

So, I am in the same boat you are. Learning to stand up for myself and feel worthy of being loved by me and then someone else.

(((2Alone)))

Cyndra

October 31, 2006
11:23 am
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Travlin_lite
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2alone
It is really really hard!! I can only take one moment at a time somedays. If you look at your post you can find within it your strength we all have times and days that we fall short..but that's okay and so much a part of walking along the path to recovery. I have a "safe list" those are people I can trust and call if I feel loose at the ends. If it happens they are busy or not available then I have "games" "music" "meditation, books, lots of praying, journaling, a teddy bear or my dog to hug and hold. I go for a whole lot of walks many times and that alone helps. When I feel really alone I go to the mall just so I will be around people and I am an observer. Or I go out and find someone to talk to..there is always someone you can start a conversation with. Library if nothing else the librarian..seriously. You have to have a plan that works just for you all I am sharing are just ideas that work for me. I found just wondering around didn't help me and I would go back to the same ole same ole. Support groups are a must too!

October 31, 2006
5:00 pm
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taj64
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This guy is NOT perfect. He is a real person and has faults. Why are you taking the blame for his avoidance of situation? Why would you believe your mother when deep down you feel differently? Is your mom always right? You felt strong for awhile. Stick with people that make you feel strong. These people are not good for you. Your mom, she might be your mom but she should be standing by you and helping you instead of idolizing him. When a person says "take care of yourself" it is a polite goodbye. You do not have to prove what kind of person you are like this. Accept yourself for who you are and love yourself for who you are, not what they want you to be. Be the person that you are ok with and limit time with people that draw negativity on you. WHen he says he cannot live without you, don't believe him. it is not true. He can live without you if you are so easily disposable without even facing you like a real man would. He is coward. He is out for his own interest and when things don't go right for him, he will drop you. You need to listen to your own feelings, what you need, what you want, not what he is saying. he words don't mean much. Because he is all talk and no action. You deserve something much better than this guy. Let him go, Let him go, and you will be free. It is painful process but you will recover and come out stronger as long as you figure yourself out.

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