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Kthomas, lost soul(hope), cici, tears, askme & others
November 8, 1999
8:38 pm
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Anonymous
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God I am learning so much about myself and my relationships, I feel dizzy!
I am now taking 100 percent responsibility

November 8, 1999
8:49 pm
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for myself that is..
ok so im all alone, i feel so depressed at times, looking for someone to blame, someone to control, someone to love.......
distraction, looking for distraction, work, chores, etc
No, I need to stay with myself, listen to myself
God I have neglected myself so, let so many violate me spiritually, emotionally, mentally but the operative word being LET, I LET them do it.
How? By my actions and them not equating my words with my actions, not taking me seriously, not respecting me because i disrespected myself by lowering myself to their standards at times, shouting, name calling, blaming etc...
I incited and brought violence and abuse down on myself in a way by feeding into the game..the blame game, the drain game.......
Dont get me wrong, I take NO responsibility for THEIR violent or abusive behavior, only my actions.
I gave up my power to others. I didnt want to deal with my own personal issues and unhappiness that were a result of them, I let my past patterning drive me into reactions and situations that victimised me.
I am not a victim any more, I no longer choose to victimise myself. I forgive myself for i didnt know any better, I t is hard but we can change our cognitive behaviors, I love myself enough, I do not hate myself, I love myself and respect myself more and more every day. I wish this on all of you my dear friends here.
I can not obssess about your lives and advice and recommend changes for you any more, because that was all part of my own self avoidance. I can not give advice, compassion and help, if I am not first following my own advice, giving myself the compassion and helping me. Blessings!

November 8, 1999
11:16 pm
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kitten
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Tears,
You've taken a great big step...looking at your role as victim. I do that, too. I just decided the other day to try to stop playing the part. It is very comfortable...I know the part well! I also know it will
kill me if I don't change it. I won't give in to the past...I'm living in the present. Here I can do whatever I want. Here I am free. Here those chains are gone. We all love you and are here for you. Talk to us.
If women are biologically "gatherers" then we are all looking around for the best fruit. We need each other to call attention to a bush or tree we might have over looked. We are gathering together, for community, the common good of women. When one of us gets tired another will pick up the basket till strength is regained. You have a lot of basket holders, dear. Peace.
PS. I'm too tired, but tommorrow I have to tell you what I learned today...I went and had my fortune read. I do it every year on my birthday. Believe it or not you all came up...Gotta believe
K

November 9, 1999
11:04 am
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when i say "that were a result of them" I mean were a result of my past issues.
You know we dont have to let our past dictate us. We can release it by first of all feeling all the anger, pain etc and confronting the ones who helped cause it and telling them. It is great if they admit it but if they dont you are still releasing it and no longer denying the abuse or suppressing it. This is sooo imp.
Then we need to forgive ourselves and others..
then we learn new behaviors, no longer working from a place of pain. God, I want to do so much with my life, and I will!!

November 9, 1999
6:57 pm
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VRJ
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yahoo tears

November 10, 1999
12:15 am
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🙂
I realise, that I take life way too seriously.
The painful patterns of suffering have been so imbedded in my psyche, its like I dont know any other way. So when I see a small amount of negativity/pain, I freak, bring up past issues and focus on trying to resist the negative that I make it bigger and soon it fills me and my life.
Gratitude is sooo imp. Fun is so imp.

November 10, 1999
11:11 am
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After a while, our brains literally change chemically, if we, look to the good

November 10, 1999
3:29 pm
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kitten
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suffering is comfortable...it's what we know. I don't know how to be happy most of the time. I've had periods
of happiness, but they seem to last about three weeks at most. How do we change our ability to accept joy? I know Cognitive behavior patterns can be changed, but unless there is some sort of constant reinforcement it is very hard. And I know if I could do it, it would also help those around me. After all, if misery likes company why wouldn't happiness? Like gravitates to like. I know too, it could help in my relationship. If we expect things to fail, they will...but that is based on all that old crap. And if we expect them to fail we only give a small part of ourselves. It gets complicated, doesn't it? I just know I can't continue to hide my light away...I need to shine. We all do!

November 11, 1999
8:25 am
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Brittainy
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Hi tears. You have done really well sorry I have not written for a while but if you ever want to talk then I am here to listen and help if I can. Please take care

November 11, 1999
11:20 am
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ok so my mother has sent me a letter basically stating "that I should forgive and forget the bad mothering (in my eyes, and allow her in my life" she is basically ordering me, she takes no responsibility and doesnt even care to ask how I am, what I am doing etc.
She believes I am the only one who thinks she is a bad mother. She says what I believe she did,IS IN THE PAST,and I need to stop rejecting the family for my own health......what a joke.
God I jsut feel like telling her how I feel for once. I cant suppress my feelings, but here I have compassion for her and my brother, thinking I will really hurt him and her, but here i sit feeling, unloved, disrespected and blamed by her.
I dont take this on any more, all I feel is angry.
I dont know what to do, my brother doesnt have much longer to live. Hes putting this big guilt trip on me, saying IM to blame for the problems.......
How sick, if i were dying, I wouldnt blame anyone for anything, think of the pain that would leave.
She never phones or sends me gifts on my birthday etc, she never asks how im doing ( ( suffer from chronic back pain and scoliosis ) she never offered to help me move ( when we moved, I hurt my back further because I had no one to help out ) She constantly sends me letters blaming me for her shitty life, her sons illness, her depression, her marriage break up..etc
She is an absent and mean grandparent
She is a shaming, manipulating, lying woman and I dont want anything to do with her!
How am i going to handle this?
If I reject her, I am basically rejecting my brother.
I am tired of all the bulls**t they put on my shoulders.
I have a lot of work ahead of me with little support, I dont need takers and abusors any more.

November 11, 1999
1:14 pm
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kitten
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Tears,
I have a few friends that describe their mothers in the same way. Recently I met one of these MOTHERS. I was prepared to dislike her. Anyway, when we met she tried to use her same old stuff on me. At one point in the middle of her tirade I looked at her and said "it must hurt a lot to feel such anger". Well, she looked at me like I landed from Mars and started telling me stuff her own kids didn't even know. How she was abused as a child, the stuff with her husband, etc. The only way she could deal was by having an attitude. My own granma
who was a deeply religious woman, but came across as a raging bitch(Iseemed to be the only one she talked to) told me about things her uncle did to her when she was a child. She told me this when she was 94...a few months before her death. What a waste of life. All those years stuffing something she thought was her fault. Not to say this is your mother's case, but maybe you need to respond to her as a woman, not as her child. If she came to this site and talked about the stuff in her life and you didn't know it was her, what would you say? Believe me, if I could I'd physically be there to help you with this. You can do what you need to do in life...walk in integrety...you are beautiful. Being away from your brother doesn't mean you don't love him...we know you do. Your love will transcend all. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Just don't let your mother's crap hurt you. What happened in her life has to stop with her. Peace my dear. You have my prayers.(sorry for being so long!)

November 11, 1999
1:32 pm
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Things get less confusing, as we start to trust and respect our own feelings.
I just have to do that, I dont have the energy left or the desire to put everyone elses feelings and needs first any more.
thanks for the reply kitten. If she came on here, I would tell her to no longer rage and blame but try to deal with her stuff so she can begin new relationships with her dying son and her daughter.
If she began to change and heal, so would my brother.
My whole family is trying to pull me back, like dying crabs in a boiling pot.
Im free.

November 11, 1999
5:40 pm
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kitten
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Indeed you are...

November 11, 1999
6:12 pm
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Tears, all of our pasts shapes us into what we are today..no matter if we want it to or not it still does. The key is to find out what negative behavior we are holding onto because of the past. Myself, I have a really hard time trusting people. Of course, there is alot of other things that have happened that has made me into what I am today. My mother sounds EXACTLY like yours. never wanting to own up to her own actions. It was almost a weekly thing for me to come home from school and have to clean up food-coloring and such from where she wanted everyone to believe that she had slit her wrists. All because of her boyfriend..her children had to suffer. After a while I wasnt even scared that she had really done something..just burning angry that I was always the one that had to clean up after her little fits. I was 12 at the time. Now, we still argue every now and then but it's different. She always blamed us kids for her and my father getting divorced(it couldnt possibly be that she had all these boyfriends). I just told her mom it's like this..I AM NOT PACKING MY BAGS AND GOING ON A GUILT TRIP FOR YOU ANYMORE!!! If she started in on me and said anything that made me feel bad I just hung up the phone..eventually she started getting the picture that i really wasnt going to keep taking the same s*** off of her. Take care of yourself. You are the only one that is putting up with whatever your husband is doing..If you REALLY think it is worth another try with him then GO FOR IT. I can't put up with abuse and I pray that you are a strong enough woman to not also. Good luck..Let me know how everything is...your sister-in-despair, gal

November 19, 1999
11:08 am
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Hey Tears
May be we are sisters! Your mother sure sounds like mine!
Gal has good advice.

I can only tell you how I have dealt with my mother and hope it is of use to you.
Firstly, I would say to you that the main problem is the anger you feel at her behaviour and they way she wont take responsibilty for her actions, I felt this anger for SO LONG. I got to the point where I felt there was nothing more I could do or say, she was so wrapped up in her own Martyrdom of what was Her life, there was just no place left for her to consider other peoples feelings.
My dad has an expression "Don't try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig"
My mother is just one little piggie who will never master opera. That was the first major step for me REALISATION. I realised that just because I have the kind of mind that can see things from different perspectives, not everyone else can.

Step 2, ACCEPTING, i had to accept this. I had to accept that she just couldn't understand how her actions are selfish. I may not like it but that is the way it is. I had to ask myself, do i spend the rest of my life trying to get this sorted out or do I just accept it and move on.
Even if you divorce your family and you are still burning with rage for all those years of pain, its not going to help much, okay she can't hurt you in the future but the whole situation will cause you pain. Tyhe only way i dealt with it was to truely accept that I was never going to get the kind of mother I wanted.
Step 3, Forgiving- I would say to you Tears, that if your dicision to forgive your mother depends on how she is now then your are once again giving her the power over your emotions. You have put her in the driving seat. Now im not saying forgive her, that is your choice, all i say is that by making it conditional, you are stopping it being your dicision.
I asked myself if I could forgive my mother, assuming she would never understand and never change, i did not even discuss it with her because i felt that it was my business what i feel about her, it is not for her to decide. I chosse to forgive but not forget! I am much more assertive, I do not let her know my feelings if they are negative. I wont be blackmailed anymore.
BUT i saw for the first time how she would use these things against me. Is this familiar? Each time you explain a grievance to your mother about the relationship between the two of you, does she turn it around and use it as a guilt trip on you? Don't let her know, her life is her life, Knowing you I bet you have tried to help her loads of times, I bet you have tried to listen and talk to her, If she will bite the hand that feeds her then tell her to get a councellor, they are paid to put up with that crap.
I firmly believe that the only way you can truely let all the anger rest in peace, is to l;ook at the situation just by yourself, you choose whether or not you can understand her life and why she is the way she is, You choose finally to expect no more from her.
As soon as i realised this I stopped waiting for motherly love as i had imagined it. It was so quick i was amazed. Just that subtle change of thinking on my part, that it was my choice how i felt about her, took away her power. I felt my anger go so quick, the past did become the past, she cant hurt me anymore because i don't think anything except pity at a woman who had a crappy childhood herself and never had the self awareness to see how she created her own misery.
People evolve at their own pace, Ironically my mother now has started to see the first few steps of herself, things i noticed in her when i was 5 yrs old.
Please take comfort in the thought that you are so enlightened that you assume other people have your talent for seeing reality and that they are just plain mean. SOmetimes they are just blind, or take a little longer. You are the rare and special one. This is why you see the unfairness of their actions because you would never treat anyone that way yourself. Most of the world doesnt have the gift for understanding that you do Tears, you have an exception ability to make sense of peoples actions and problems.
I have even read you saying that this is just part of your co-dependency, that may be true that you give too much, but the talent and kindness you have are not just symptoms. It is a very special ability you have to comfort people. Please don't denegrate your skill. I think now you are just learning to be a bit more selective with who you share that special commodity with, But i is and always will be your choice who you care for and help. Make your choice on how you feel, never let them dictate how you should feel. All emotions when given are best being unconditional, their is no way you can feel disappointed if you give something because YOU WANT TO and expect nothing in return.
Sorry for being SO LONG, i just wanted to tell you how special you are and whatever you decide, do what is right for you, you deserve a life free for all the anger, the only way is for you to just throw it in the dustbin, trash it, you don't need it no more, it will weigh you down while you are flying!!
Hugs
Hazza

November 19, 1999
5:19 pm
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Dear Hazza, friend, your words are so beautiful and menat so much to me. I would love to stay in personal touch with you. Is there any way you could provide me with a e mail?
I will write a lot to you in a couple of hrs, I have a massage appt to go to right now.
Love and light my friends.

November 19, 1999
9:36 pm
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kitten
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I was wondering what happened to everyone. It's good to know you're all out there. I've been a bit down and not wanting to depress anyone, decided to be quiet for awhile. Hope you are all well. Life goes on. Tears, you lucky girl, you. A massage...how wonderful!

November 20, 1999
12:07 pm
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yes, it was wonderful. Yes, I am treating myself like the queen I am..hehehehe
You know Hazza, I appreciate your story relating to your original abusor. I found that I am still carrying tons of anger, resentment and sorrow towards mine.
I am writing it all out in a letter and e mailing it soon. It has been very therapeutic and is extremely important to do because I was denying, suppressing and minimising it for years. It is empowering and healing and allows me to rid myself of the anger and fear I still feel around her and my subsequent abusors.
I am doing major emotional clearing and I feel so powerful and it feels so right.

November 24, 1999
11:03 am
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hi you all....... just wanted you to know im kicking going to group at family health center and going through hell.. but im ok.. he blocked me from computer getting on this site , my friends, took all their phone #, disconnected phone then reconnected and changed all wires.. tons of stuff .. im in a battle for my life but know what guy im going to win because i deserve it....... do yourself a favor go to abuse center go to group and help yourself .........Just check it out your not alone.. many go throught this. I cant say its much easier but i see light where there was none and some days its dark . Co dependency im seeing as a way because abuser knows exactly what hes doing guys.....thats where he want you.... i found out more as his control was leaveing the worse it got and more center helped me to see this is common.. honey moon phase.. seem so great well look out for next move these are cycles........they will manipulate find your weak spots and hit you any way they can its not a matter of love its a matter of they have to control...... Take care of yourselves havent had chance to read it all few of tears but tears not alone.. you sweet heart need to look to your soul.. we all hide inside because its safe way we learn to survive and its ok.. till one day you wake up hopefully and see this is not normal.......... i would love to chat to you again i just got to run soon and see my daughter at school.. He has made attempt to get me in trouble i think again but cops didnt buy it... my days are still in just surviving however i do get few night of peace now. take care all. If he dont block this from his second computer or get kids to do something for him i will be back i never know what is comming next......UN gaurdd. touche........... i have yet begun to fight.. NOte to you all you are stronger than you thought probably more so just your whole you has been put into him ...you survive for him...... step back look at yourself and ask your self who are you.. what do you like to do.. and do it for you..........its not easy...... BUt you have survived and are and thats the whole key many cant and your still up and kicking from all the things weve gone through..... You are strong!!!!!! HUGS to you alll..................Best wishes and ill try to catch up with whats going on as soon as i can

take care
best wishes to you
xoxooxoxoxox
Your all wonderful!!!!!!!!!!

November 24, 1999
12:56 pm
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Dear Askme

I was just thinking of you todya, wondering how you were doing. I thought you were probably struggling and he had blocked you from the computer.
Stay strong Askme, you ARE doing the right thing, think first and foremost of yourself. Do not let him hurt your mind or soul any more. He can not take away the attitude you have now chosen to take towards his manipulations, lying and control.
Stay with your group, make friends and continue to believe in yourself. I do!!!!!!!!!
What a heroine!!!!!!!!!!!! You are an inspiration to many women out there (50%) who are being battered and abused in their relationships.
Women are the nurturers and bringers of life, we deserve to be treated like the Queens and goddesses we are, you are a warrioress Askme, a pioneer.

November 24, 1999
11:33 pm
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hope everyone is well.

November 25, 1999
8:24 am
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Brittainy
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Hello everyone, I've not much to say at the moment but I hope you are all ok.

November 25, 1999
10:51 am
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KTHOMAS
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Hi everyone. Just want to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving.

November 26, 1999
10:08 am
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kitten
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Hi everyone...
Thanksgiving is one of those days that is hard for me--
why do we always have such large expectations. I often think my life is suddenly going to be one of those prime time family shows where everything is wonderful.
It doesn't work that way. Holidays are crazy! Well, this year things were a bit better than normal...I guess it is what we make it. How did you all fare?

November 26, 1999
11:23 am
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KTHOMAS
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It was just my nine year old and myself this year. So instead of cooking...we decided to go out to a movie and a restaurant for our feast. It turned out really nice and my son said it was his best Thanksgiving ever. That made it good for me too even though I was very lonely and even cried (without him knowing) at the movie Toys 2.

You're correct in saying Kitten that it is what we make it. I hope everyone's day was better than normal too.

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