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KROIKA.....Are you around?
May 2, 2007
12:25 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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If you are around, do you have a few minutes?

May 2, 2007
1:16 am
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hi Mich,

I just got in. It's 10:15 p.m. here, 1:15 a.m. for you.

Don't know what time you posted.... but I'm here.

May 2, 2007
1:37 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Kroika...

Why does everything good have to end? Why does loving have to be so hard? I am tired...and I am emotionally exhausted....and I want to quit...I just want to quit.

I HATE THIS

May 2, 2007
1:40 am
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hi Mich, I'm here.

May 2, 2007
1:41 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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I have felt this coming...my night got worse on SO many levels...I hurt...and I am tired of hurting. I can't help but wonder if residential care will truly help...Will it? I don't even know anymore. I see NO hope...I see NO point. I wonder if I will ever be happy. I am so tired of being told that it is a choice. How easy it is for people to say that. I am tired of wondering whether I will ever be what my kids really need. I am dying inside.

May 2, 2007
1:44 am
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Ah, (((honey)))

I'm so sorry you are having so much pain right now.

May 2, 2007
1:45 am
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You are probably typing a response right now... I just wanted to post something short so you'd know I was here.

Do you want to say any more about how your night got worse?

May 2, 2007
1:45 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Why does it hurt to love? No matter who it is. I am tired of hurting, I am tired of DESPERATELY wanting to be loved....FOR ME. Unconditionally..

May 2, 2007
1:48 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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First...I told my h that I wanted to be happy. He says...it is a choice.

The second part..I can't talk about here. I just want to be loved...I just want to be understood...I just want to be respected.

May 2, 2007
1:49 am
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Something has happened to bring on the desperate feeling - do you know what it was?

May 2, 2007
1:50 am
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oops, cross-posted.

May 2, 2007
1:51 am
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Hmmm. What did your h's attitude seem to be when he said that? Was he calm and loving and sharing something he believes and has found to be true for himself? Or some other attitude?

May 2, 2007
1:52 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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The fear of losing someone I love with all of my heart. I can't explain my love, I can't go into it. I just want this feeling to go away. I am tired of feeling like I make things worse. I am tired of feeling that nobody that I love will stay in my life. I am tired of feeling like I am living with someone who loves me to NO end...and this isn't what I want.

May 2, 2007
1:53 am
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Ahhhh......

((((Mich))))

May 2, 2007
1:54 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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If it is a choice...what is my problem that I can't choose to be happy? Do I not want it bad enough?

I DON'T KNOW.

May 2, 2007
1:57 am
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Sometimes our choices are constrained by forces beyond our control.

I would not place the blame on you and say that the reason you don't feel happy right now is that you don't want it bad enough. To me, that is like telling a person with an illness that they're not getting better because they are not praying hard enough or visualizing well enough, or whatever.

You are choosing to stay alive, and in my book that is pretty damn significant!!

May 2, 2007
1:58 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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What is my problem that I can't be IN love with my husband? He deserves it. Am I not capable of loving? Am I not capable of being loved? WHAT IS MY DEAL?? This is the shit that makes me want to give up. I am just ready. I feel like I have NO hope left at all. This is all more than I can face, and more than I want to deal with.

May 2, 2007
2:01 am
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Hmmm. I am no expert on love.... but one thought I have had in my life, is that loving has not much to do with "deserving".

I believe you are capable of loving. But it sounds like you are mad at yourself for not being able to force yourself to feel some way you think you SHOULD feel. Have I got it right?

May 2, 2007
2:05 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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He isn't a bad guy...he really isn't. There is NO excuse..he loves me for me kroika. He isn't perfect..but he loves me. Yes, I am mad because I can't love him the way that I think that he deserves to be loved. I don't feel like I love anyone the right way. I feel like ALL I do is f*ck things up...and I HATE IT.

May 2, 2007
2:07 am
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Well... it sounds like the part you don't want to talk about has something to do with why you felt like you fucked things up tonight.

I just have the impression that you are caught in a spiral of self-hatred and I wish you could give yourself a break.

May 2, 2007
2:09 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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I want to love him...and I do love him. I just don't think that I am IN love with him. I crawl into bed with him...and I hate it. The way that I feel is wrong. I am loved, I am NOT sexually satisfied. Jim explained SOME of this to me. Questioning whether I would EVER allow a man to fully love me. Whether I would ever be able to "make love" to a man. I hate this. I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL. I want to have ONE healthy relationship in my life. Is that so wrong?

May 2, 2007
2:13 am
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Of course you know it isn't wrong to have one -- and in fact many -- healthy relationships in your life, sweet Mich.

Even NORMAL people go through times when they are not aroused by their spouse, so I hear.

Honey, you've been digging so deep with some very painful issues. It is not too surprising that you can't always drum up sexual feelings for your h who you love.

May 2, 2007
2:14 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Yes, at the moment..I can tell you honestly and whole heartedly...I HATE ME. For who I am, for what I came from, for where I am headed...I HATE ME. I don't want to be like this. I don't. I want someone to see me for who I am. The heart that I have that is there. I, at 30 years old, am TIRED of being in desperate want of someone to love me, someone to hold me, someone to validate me.

I hurt someone tonight. I didn't do it on purpose. It wasn't my intent. God...kroika...I HATE THIS. I want it to go away. I NEED for this feeling to stop

May 2, 2007
2:16 am
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Please take a deep breath and know that I am sitting at my computer at the other side of the continent, caring about you.

It sounds like you are feeling very very guilty about hurting another person tonight. I'm sorry that happened.

((((Mich))))

May 2, 2007
2:20 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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kroika...I have never been interested in sex...EVER. I don't want it, could live without it. I just don't care. I have NO drive WHATSOEVER. I do it for him. I always have. I see it as a physical thing...not emotional. I don't think that he cares about me in the situation. As long as he is getting what he wanted. It is all too similar to what I went through...unwillingly. Yes, kroika, we have, and always have had sex on a regular basis...but...I don't enjoy it...I don't even like it. I can't explain it...

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