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kids
December 3, 2001
11:46 pm
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cantgetitright
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I have a problem with my 19 yr old. I have had a bad relationship with her ever since she had this friend that told her I hated her. This was several years ago. To make a long story short I started when she was about 17 emailing her anonomously to try to help her make good decisions because she was going down a path to destruction. She would not listen to me when I talked outright with her. She moved out at 18 and I tried to stop emailing her but she kept emailing me so I kept going. Now for he problem, she found out and is very angry with me. She says ahe hates me and never wants to talk to me again. She lives a ways away from me and my husband doesn't know what went on so I don't want to tell him as he will not be happy to say the least. Seems like no matter what I do it is wrong. As far as she is concerned she is always right and everything I do is just to control her ( which is not true but she has had that in her head from her friend and nothing I do changes her mind) I just am tired of this fight.

December 4, 2001
12:33 pm
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Molly
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Let it go. Let her go. I have two daughters, we were best buddies, their friends were envious, other mothers were envious, it was great. They were both very bright loving good hearted girls. My oldest who is now 23 had delt with some rough things her first few years of college, and I was right there in a heart beat. The fourth year, she started to drift, less phone calls, less letters, less involvement. The youngest has always been Daddys girl, so our relationship was less intense, but none the less, stable. Two years ago, when I called to inquire why they didn't return my call for Valentines day,they live at school, I got this dump of how much they had put up with me over the last 10 years and that the oldest had a memory loss due to all the trauma. Her baby sis, co-signs all of it, and to this day I have had no explanation. I got tremendous support from this site, and everyone said let them go. They will come back around. My oldest had a room mate who is a psych major, and said that all of her what ever was caused by her mother!!!! At first I was devistated, they have done some really cruel things over the last 2 years, and pulled a real boner on Thanks giving, that their father even called to apologize for, and said I was well with in my right to be strongly upset. Ahhhhhh permission from some one. When the first blow came, I was in door mat mode, what did I do, I am sorry, your my best friends yada yada yada. After a few weeks of that I took a stand, and they came around. Things were steadily getting back to where they were. But this last time I got it, I have taught them how to recieve, and not to give. I have taught them that no matter what mom will accept them, and love them and be there for them. Real life doesn't work that way. The youngest has allready sent me an e-mail, to which I have not responded, this is a first for me. I refuse this time to pretend that nothing has happened. This is a growth spurt, she needs to learn her lessons, she needs to suffer the consequences of her actions, she needs to seperate her identity from mom. Just like when she was 4 you were God, at 13 you didn't know a darn thing. So at 19 you still don't know anything, but you will get smarter again by the time she is 25. Have faith, that is what I am dealing with. I am simply planning on putting coal in their Christmas stocking, its the little things. But don't buy into the guilt trip, it will rip your heart out. She will come around I promise. Great girl friend, wonder if its the same girl, with an agenda to ruin all the other mother daughter relationships due to her own lousy one.

December 5, 2001
1:26 pm
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Molly
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I agree to that, and that parenting never ends, but just like any relationship, there needs to be respect, we need to teach them that. They will learn that friends come and go, ideas come and go, and mothers are the only ones that really stay.
I watched Dr. Phil do his version of life boat yesterday, it killed me to not pick up the phone, but didn't do it. They would just accuse me of drama, but its true, we must live every day as though it is our last, and be complete with those we love and care about. But hell, I didn't listen to my mom when I was there age, and thought she was way off her rocker, and she was, but was able to get before she died, that she did love me, and did the best she knew how, and concluded hay you and your sis and bro didn't turn out so bad, now did ya? I didn't care for her much of my life, but I was never rude or hurtful, just didn't co-sign her stuff, and when we both grew up, we did celebrate the last two years of her life, better later than never.

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