Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
kids first or spouse first?
May 20, 2007
9:04 pm
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

which is the healthy choice? does it matter how old the kids are? or the circumstances?

bonni

May 20, 2007
9:10 pm
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Bonni, The most successful marriages/relationships I have seen are those that nurture both their relationship and their children's relationships. It's not one over the other because a spouse and the kids need different things. From what I have seen those who put all their emphasis on their spouses end up with kids who feel neglected and abandoned and those who put all their efforts on their kids end up with neglected and jealous spouses. Do you find yourself in this dilemma? All the best to you:)

May 20, 2007
11:53 pm
Avatar
hopeful for change
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You have to put yourself first as selfish as this may sound. If you aren't at your best, you can't give your best to anyone. And alot of time especially we as codependents give our all to everyone but ourselves.

But if it comes between a man or my kids, the kids win.

May 21, 2007
12:06 am
Avatar
Loralei
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I do agree with hopeful that you should put yourself first. That has been a huge adjustment for me to make since I never used to do that. After that, you should put your spouse next. A happy marriage is the basis of a happy family. That doesn't mean you should wait on your spouse hand an foot and be controlled by him. I'm not saying that at all. But marriage is supposed to be a lifetime committment and should be there long after the kids are grown with lives of their own. Kids are happier when both their parents are happy and love each other. The basic safety and welfare of the kids should come first. But beyond that, do not make them the center of your world. That is the worst thing you can do to them.

May 21, 2007
6:41 am
Avatar
matthew65
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I sometimes go round and round with this in my mind---who comes first? My husband of 4 years or my children, who are now 16 and 13. I raised both of my children on my own until my marriage. I always put them first (even before myself). I still do this. When it comes to my marriage, I know it's important to build and work on this relationship and it's essential to have some time together. That is when I put my husband first. I believe if we have a solid relationship that it would be a foundation from which our family would grow from. HOWEVER, if my husband goes off on one of them and it's for really no good reason, I will defend my children. I guess that's called maternal instint??? Plus, on the flip side, I can defend my husband if my children are wrong. Therefore, I am in the middle always. Not a good place to be and wish I wasn't there sometimes. Can anyone relate? Wendy

May 21, 2007
6:58 am
Avatar
healintime
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Definitely yourself first, within reason. Teaching your kids good self care by example is one of the best gifts you can give them.

Next up, kids before spouse - also within reason. Your spouse can earn a living, feed himself, clothe himself, drive himself around and make adult decisions. Until your kids are adults, you have a responsibility as the adult/parent to make their welfare a priority. It's a huge commitment, but in my opinion that's what parenting is about. Ideally both spouses can act in their own best interests (self care) and manage to balance good parenting with a healthy relationship. Hard, hard work but possible.

May 21, 2007
8:38 pm
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you all for your insightful responses. You are right. I can't believe I didn't think about myself. they even say that on every airplane before they take off. you first, then those who can't care for themselves.

i think what I really need right now is a pedicure.

bonni

May 21, 2007
8:51 pm
Avatar
lonely and addicted
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I soooo agree with you bonni on the pedicure 🙂

I am divorced but involved. I would say the kids before the man. I guess that is what I did in the marraige too....that is why we are no longer. ????

May 21, 2007
8:53 pm
Avatar
thewall
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

As hard as this is, all the books I have read say ....

"first comes you, then comes marriage.... then comes your babies in a baby carriage.

May 21, 2007
8:55 pm
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thewall,
that's a kids sing-song taunt, silly. and the nicest punctuation on this thread there could be.

Thank you!
bonni

May 21, 2007
9:01 pm
Avatar
tiedupinknots
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I've read the first thing for really successful families is a strong faith, belief in a higher power. Everything else just falls in line after that. So I'd say strong spiritual base, then yourself, your husband, and the children last but not least. 🙂

May 22, 2007
6:55 am
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

God and I aren't really getting along these days. perhaps i should think about that.

bonni

May 22, 2007
10:13 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

like anything in life...I believe in moderation.

nobody should take priority over anybody...it's a give and take most of the time...sometimes one gets more than the other, but as long as it balances out in the end, it's all good.

I don't think we can be everything to everyone at the same time...so we do the best we can with what we have.

I think it's important to take care of our selves, physically and mentally....and I think it's important to nurture our spirituality...and also nurture our marriage and our children.

I think it's a cycle and some days are better than others.

May 22, 2007
10:14 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

one more thing...if you have the right partner in life...they help pick up the slack....like a give and take.

when you are down, they take care of you...when they are down, you help take care of them...when the kids are down, you both pitch in, or if one is unavailable, one handles it now, another time it's the other.

as long as the give and take stays fairly constant, usually everyone's needs get met.

When you have a partner that needs you to care for them all the time...then it's unbalanced and either the kids, or you, or both get shortchanged.

May 22, 2007
10:26 am
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My theory is that you can't win for losing.
As a person you need to take care of yourself first. And even if you try and give the partner some time and even the kids, someone is going to be upset.
The partner is going to WANT all of your time and the kids are going to NEED your time.
And the one that is wanting all of your time is going to be the one that is going to be selfess.
Nappy!

May 22, 2007
10:32 am
Avatar
Randomwomen2
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 9
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My kids are my first priority. I am in charge of raising them. It is my choices that helps to mold them into young and hopefully healthy adults.

May 22, 2007
2:19 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

All my married life, I put my kids over my husband. For example, the kids' plates would be put on the table before my husband's. When I came home from any outing, I would greet the kids, before I greeted my husband. Stuff like that. Looking back, I regret those unconscious choices which made my husband feel he didn't matter much to me. He felt there was a deep bond between me and our sons...and that he was on the "outside" of the bond.

I regret that very much and wish someone had taught me how to be more respectful of my husband, helping him feel more loved and honored, without overlooking the (obvious) needs of my children at their different age levels. It could have been handled MUCH better on my part.

- Ma Strong

May 22, 2007
6:46 pm
Avatar
Tiger Trainer
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I read everyone's thread with great interest. I have the same problem only the opposite. When my stepkids are here I am jealous of them because my husband spends so much time trying to please them. They choose the restaurant, the TV program. They get every wish granted. Part of me laughs at the jealousy part because I know they are only here for the summer and he wants to show all the love he can. the other part of me wants to sit and pout because I am not getting all his attention.
I am glad to know about how it feels when it is your kid involved. I will be much more patient.

May 22, 2007
8:58 pm
Avatar
tiedupinknots
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
May 23, 2007
10:10 pm
Avatar
rachaelhale
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi there. I believe children should always come first. There is no other kind of love. Think about if something were to happen to your spouse, you may fall in love again and even get married. You can not replace a child.

May 23, 2007
10:12 pm
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

good point, as long as you don't make your child your life to the extent they can't safely go out on their own without you falling apart. i guess that's not really love though, but obsession.

bonni

May 23, 2007
10:34 pm
Avatar
Loralei
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I believe that children should only come first when it comes to safety and their welfare. Your affection should be primarily for your mate. I didn't say to not be affectionate with your kids. But your mate is your partner in life. Your kids will grow up and have lives of their own apart from you.

Making children the center of your universe is very unhealthy for them. You are creating all kinds of dependency problems when doing this. Your job as a parent is to raise them to become independent, well-adjusted adults. Focusing all your love and attention on your children is about as codependent as you can get. Kids are much happier when their parents clearly love each other.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
23
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111165
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
anissafield, Aemorph, CaitlynForlong, AndrinNetzer, MaarcusPedersen, MarcusPedersen
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information