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Kicking myself
February 21, 2005
12:31 pm
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jastypes
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I blew it this weekend. I had some old friends over. At one point they all went outside to smoke. I thought cigarettes, but apparently someone also brought weed. Mind you, we're all in our early 40's and my husband is a recently recovering addict. Anyway, I went outside and one of my friends offered some pot to my husband. Mark looks at me. My friend looks at me and says, "Hey, is it okay if he has some? It's a party, right?" Of course this friend has no idea of all our history. I was flabbergasted. I had no idea what to say, but what I said was, "Hey, you're a grown up. It's up to you. Do whatever you want." Of course I wanted my husband to say, "Thanks, but I gave that up." And, of course, he didn't. He smoked the pot. And I laughed it off. And then at night when I was praying I realized how I had enabled him by not saying, "Sure, get high and then you can pack your bags." Or something like that. Mark later said he felt guilty (which he never did before, but now he has had a spiritual awakening). He apologized to me (without my saying a word). I do believe HE'S changed, but it was so obvious that I have a lot of work to do still.

jill

February 21, 2005
12:48 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Jill:

That is exactly my worst fear. Totally and completely paralyzing.

My hubby did all his smokin at this brother's. I get paranoid, sad, anxious, .... you know the feelings.
He says no problem. I say it's a huge temtation. My hubby will ask me before he goes to his bros if I mind him going. What am I supposed to say yes? I tell him he can do what he wants he's a big boy. Not so different are we. I don't know what to say. I like that you thought of saying that later. I think all kinds of things, but I don't say them. My hubby has been clean since last July as far as I know. I gave him the ultimatum too. I too believe my hubby has changed. I've seen the differences. BUT, he is still an addict and addicts fall from time to time if they are not consciously working at staying straight. Ya know, I can see how easy it would be "here just one drag and she'll not know". That's my hubby's bro, but he says so far he has not fallen. I'm just ramblin on. Just wanted you to know that I know your pain and anguish over this. Doesn't help when you love the jerk either does it. Anyway, I'll stop ramblin. Oh, guess who's house my hubby is goin to after work today. Give me/him a prayer if you would please.

February 21, 2005
1:09 pm
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gibson
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i don't know, iread what you guys said. i've been there and know how you feel. no matter what i say or do my spouse would continue on. part of the problem is he doesn't see the harm in it. we've been married a long time and i myself am so frustrated i could pull my hair out. my husband does not want to change plain and simple. no matter how much he may love me, he can't do it and will not get counselling. so i have a hard decision to make. do i rock the boat? i am worn. living in an unhealthy relationship, where you are always trying to figure out what you did that set them off or why they would rather be with their friends than you. i am sick of it, but it's hard to make the break.

February 21, 2005
1:10 pm
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jastypes
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Prayers going up, MamaC. This so sucks! I mean Mark really isn't actively trying not to use -- no meetings, or anything like that. It's just that since his accident he really hasn't been in a position to use, he accepted Jesus as his personal savior, and he says he has no desire. But then when he was tempted, he didn't say no. And to make it worse, I feel like I can't complain because when I was asked, I didn't say no either! Not to doing it, of course, but to letting Mark do it -- as if I should have to LET him do anything. He is a grown man, after all. I'm not sure whether to let this go, chalk it up to experience, accept his apologies and promises that it won't happen again, or make a big deal out of it and insist that he still needs help. My original plan was to ask for drug testing when he's back to work and at his apartment. Guess I'll have to follow through with that.

jill

February 21, 2005
1:19 pm
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gibson
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we need to remember that they are adults. raised to know right from wrong. we are not ther moms. they should want to build good healthy relationships right along with us.

February 21, 2005
2:24 pm
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mamacinnamon
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They should Gibson, but do they want to or know how?

My hubby was the same Jill. He promised this next 12 years would be better than the last 12 and he'd do drug testing when I wanted. I could go to his bros w/ him. etc, etc. Within one week it was all taken back and I know it is because his bro told him how stupid it was to bring me along and give me control enough to have him do a drug drop. I was totally devastated.

Jill, I say stand up to him. But, you must do what you see best.

I know w/ mine, when he got he smoked it once, then he wanted it more, and more, and money was missing from the safe and he was always at his bros or out somewhere in the building but doing what "nothin". He brought it into my home and that I will not tolerate. So, next time he falls off the wagon then my daughter and I are gone. But then I think to myself, he really does love me, no doubts. Can I live w/o him? yes. But, I do know from my first divorce that I have NO control what the kids were around when it was the ex's visitation time w/ them. The courts wouldn't even stop visitation when he was drinking and driving w/ my kids coz there was no proof, just the kids say. So, I pray to God that my hubby doesn't fall off the wagon until my daughter is out of school, coz I cannot put her thru the visitation hell my other 2 went thru, and I know she would be around the pot. I won't let her go to his bro's house. God, I don't now what to do. So, I have given it to God and until the time I have the situation in my face, then I do my best not to think about it. That's all I can do is give it to God.
Coz I have no control over it. He is an adult like Gibson said.

Any thoughts Ladies?

February 21, 2005
5:52 pm
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CAMER
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love this thread....I myself, just broke up a week ago with my bf who smokes the weed. He is 40 y/o and has been smoking it since 13 y/o...a hard habit to break for him i guess!!! When he met me, (6 mos ago) he knew i didn't like the stuff or smoke the stuff, and as time went on, I told him how i don't like him smoking, not good for his health, and illegal here and Mass. & he has to "sneak" it from the regular world. Its all just bad news....I could not handle it anymore, and decided that I will not take it anymore and also, that I don't want to change him, his values are so different than mine, he thinks absolutely nothing of getting stoned, he thinks its ok, he thinks its ok to smoke with his 60 y/o uncle...ewwwww, 60 y/o and smoking pot, come on!!!! enough is enough, since this relationship is new, it was much easier to get out now, than suffer with the resentments (as i have in the past) and see years going by. I prayed alot, took the challenge and the fear with it, and said our goodbyes, it ended on a good note, no yelling or screaming, just differences on our beliefs and values with the stuff (plus he was very non religious too, so that didn't help the relationship either)......and its over now, and I had a choice, stay in the relationship and resent him or step up to the plate and leave, and thats what I did. Thanks for this wonderful thread!!! and thanks Mama for sending me over to it!!!

((love and peace to all))))

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