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(Kessie) What can I do about this?
February 26, 2004
8:46 am
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Kessie
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I came to this web site by accident, - when I had made a decision that I had to get free of an alcoholic vampire. (David) I truly believe I am out of that particular spider's web now, and as the days go by I see him and his sick little entourage more and more for what it is.

I am left though with one residual problem, a small thing, you may think but one that I would welcome opinions.

As a Christmas present I gave this man a gift of a print, an original screen print done by my son for an examination. Although not of any monetary value, it is of immense worth to me, since my son is dead and I have never given any of his work away before. I bitterly regret parting with it, and I want the print back. David phoned me last week and told me he had taken the print to the framer - and he'd like me to see it when he gets it back. Would you believe he wants me to write a nice message on the back? (breathtaking when I remember how he treated me - oops, sorry, of course all my own fault - I asked for it!) It will be ready to collect from the framer in a couple of weeks.

I could, by going along with the 'we're still friends' fiction offer to get the print, pay for the frame myself, and then be 'too busy' to take it over to him, (if he falls for it). I know that it would be dishonest and that it would reduce me to his level . I feel ashamed to say this, but it would give me a sort of satisfaction; and tie up that loose end. I think it's the only way to get the picture back - he likes it enormously and won't part with it otherwise I think. If he dies - he is terminally ill - it will just go in with his estate and then someone else will get it, who doesnt know or care what it really is. I could ask him to leave a note for his executors, - but knowing him he would ignore me.
Can anyone suggest a strategy for dealing with this?

K

February 26, 2004
8:52 am
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Wanttobewell
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Kessie, I'm not good at figuring out strategies for anyone, but I agree you should have the print and use whatever means possible to do so. Is it possible to maybe tell the framer that you're going to pay for it as a surprise for David and to let you know first when it's ready? Just an idea. W.

February 26, 2004
9:15 am
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nancee
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Hi Kessie. I understand that you don't want to do something dishonest, but I feel that you really need to get that print back. Maybe that will be the final step in breaking the ties to this man. I'm pretty new around here and don't know the full story about you and him but would love to talk to you more about it sometime. I did look up that narcissist website last nite but was too sleepy to get into it. Am excited about reading more today. Hope whatever you decide, it turns out well for you...
Nan

February 26, 2004
10:42 am
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Zinnie
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Kessie - you know me... normally I would tell you not to do something like that.

But in this case?

I know how much you regret giving him that piece, and I know you gave it to him with nothing but love in your heart for him. Normally, I would tell you "Kessie - you gave it to him, it's his" - and you know what? It IS his.

But... Kess - I also know how much this piece means to you, and you gave it to this person as a friend; only to find out that he is not a friend to you.

I'm having a hard one with this too, because rightfully - it is his - but, this is your boy's piece of work, and he is gone. As a parent having buried children, I know what you feel. I lost it last night, really lost it as I was going through some things and found a little picture my daughter drew for me when she was a child. I sat for hours last night in tears because I miss her so much. There is nothing in this world that I can do or say that will ever bring her back to me. To see that picture that she drew last night - brought back so many sweet memories. Her sweetness, her smile. I could not bear it if something happened to that little bit that I now have left of her.

So, I know how much having that piece of work means to you.

I know if you ask for it back, he will delight in telling you how much he enjoys it, etc. Perhaps, you do have a good idea - pick it up with the notion of writing your note on the back... and just never getting around to returning it.

Kessie - normally, I think you know me well enough by now to know that I would not ever recommend something like this - because it is wrong.

But, knowing what you have shared about this man - and knowing that your son is no longer of this Earth - and knowing that this is something that you had left of him - I guess leads me to give you different advice than I normally would.

Get the piece back.

Love,

Zinnie

February 26, 2004
10:57 am
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Anonymous
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I agree with Zinnie, get the piece back and be done with him, but also know that in getting it back, you will more than likely not be done with him because he will then have reasons to call you and stop by, or whatever, so are you prepared for that as well? You also should know though that in getting the print in that way, he could come after you will legal tactics, is he the type to do that or just let it go?

February 26, 2004
11:00 am
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mj
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Hi Kessie,
A gift is a gift. Let it go and remember this lesson well.
Hugs on your losses.

February 26, 2004
2:26 pm
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Kessie
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Thank you everyone for your input, - I know it was a curious thing to ask - but I'm an honest sort of person, and I really want to do this but I'm scared, like a kid shoplifting! I also know that part of me wants to hit back at him - and make him feel like he 'lost' for once.
I'll let you know if I pluck up the courage to do it.
K

February 27, 2004
9:38 am
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Kessie
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Well, - YES! - I just did it!!!!!!!

February 27, 2004
10:02 am
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Kessie
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It so happened I was in the town today - I went to the framer and just enquired about it - it turned out the framer had already finished it. I told myself it was fate!

February 27, 2004
10:04 am
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Wanttobewell
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ALL RIGHT!!! I'm so glad you got it back Kessie!!! W.

February 27, 2004
10:05 am
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Anonymous
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ALright!!!! now be prepared for that call from HIM

February 27, 2004
10:07 am
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Kessie
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Thanks Wtbw - I read something on the thread - about the mindset of angry and controlling men - and the post which ladeska had written just triggered something in me - The scales finally fell from my eyes!
Do Look at it, - its brilliant.

February 27, 2004
10:13 am
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Kessie
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Hi A&S - Im not bothered about his call - I know that I'm going to be all sweetness and light, say I did it as a surprise, say I'll go and take it over to him, (When I can fit it in) and then do nothing. I'll just keep stalling. Eventually the penny will drop. and.....

SO WHAT??????????? I couldnt give a f***!

LOL K

February 27, 2004
10:47 am
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nancee
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Kessie,
It really brightened my day to hear how cheerful you are about getting back the print. I'm so glad it worked out for you. Sometimes fate steps in and things just fall into place. Happy for you.

Nan

February 27, 2004
3:14 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Kessie,,,I couldn't agree more!!! Screw him to the maximum amount!!! There comes a time when we've just got to stand up for ourselves and tell anyone who doesn't agree with us to just kiss it!!! You know what I mean? Give them back a little of what they've given us and see how they like it. Screw 'em is what I say. I'm so happy you got it back, I just can't tell you. I did read that thread about the mindset of angry and controlling men. I have one of those myself, but he is very quickly not being a problem for me anymore, as I took the time to really read the Charmer/Abuser Personality thread. That's not the exact name of it but close.

You don't owe this former "friend" anything at all. You do owe yourself though!!!

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