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kathygy from henu
January 26, 2006
3:08 pm
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henu
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I was reading one of your responses about someones father effecting there today situation. I have a question, I have been trying hard "not to pass the blame" cuz,well, I can have a problem doing so. Anyway,I think of many situations my mother and father have both put me throiugh, not so much my dad as he wasnt around but my mom and i had a terrible relationship and still do. but I dont want to put the blame on them no matter how true it maybe. is there a differant way of dealing.i dont know if its really denial either cuz believe me I know its there. does any of this make sense?

January 26, 2006
3:13 pm
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henu
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p.s. My dad is now one of my b/f at this time.I met him at 17 and him I are very close so I guess the prob is really my mother. and Im 29

January 26, 2006
3:30 pm
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kathygy
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henu,

I don't understand. Are you saying your step father is now your boyfriend?

What kind of problem did you/are you having with your mother?

your parents wounded you, that is a fact. You are not responsible for being wounded. It is not blame to say this. Your parents were wounded also in their childhood. They bought their wounds into their role as your parents. No wonder you got wounded.

You can feel compassion for them but a part of the healing is to feel anger that you did not get your needs met. It doesn't require blame to feel this anger. its just anger at the situation.

It is something that is very important to acknowledge so that you can heal your wounds and your relationships.

You are responsible for your life as an adult but not as a small child. You take responsibility by healing your wounds and changing your behavior.

It is simply a fact of life that your adult relationships reflect your relationships with your mother and father. How can it not be?

That is where you got all the messages about how worthy you are, how important or not important your needs and feelings are, what intimacy means, and so on because as a small child you make your parents into super humans and give them all the power to define you because you are competely dependnet on them for survival.

I like to recommend John Bradshaw's book 'Homecoming, championing and claiming the inner child". This is an excellent resource that explains childhood wounds very well and how they play out in adulthood and how to heal them.

When you get into an adult intimate relationship it takes you back to the firit place you learned about yourself, from your parents.

January 26, 2006
4:27 pm
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henu
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kathygy i ment bestfriend

January 26, 2006
4:28 pm
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henu
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i will be going to work now but i will write later bye and thanks

January 27, 2006
2:59 am
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henu
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I can understand all that i guess.my mom and I have a very large trust issue and I too have it with my presant and past relationships.I also often look for somebody to do something bad. like past relationships i have looked for there car at girls houses which i thank god i have stopped but i still expect to be cheated on.you know maybe that tells mei am not ready for a relationship but will i ever be? I kinda expect the worse out of everybody. i try to maintain a smile but sometimes it gets so hard.i had a pretty rotten night tonight.i think im going to head to bed and sleep it of .thanks for listening to me i know it was all over the place tonight

January 27, 2006
12:17 pm
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kathygy
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henu,

you don't have to maintain a smile if you are not feeling that way. you have the right to honor your feelings and part of that is not trying to hide them.

what kind of trust issue do you have with your mother?

January 27, 2006
2:40 pm
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henu
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to come straight forward, she slept with my ex-husband. Pretty bad huh.Well you can imagine what it has done for me and, unfortunately I still maintain a suttle relationship with this woman!I choose to do so because she lives with my grandma and I have a tender relationship with her. My g-ma is 82 years old.She has been more of a mother to me then my very own mother.One more example I can give is when I was in kindergarden I walked about 8 blocks to school. I met up with a friend and on our way back she got hit by a car. I cant recall to much about what happened I do remember getting her parents but when I did get home my mother was in the car and she got out and started yelling about and at me how I had been late.I told her what happened and she had said that was no excuse. I was grounded.there have been many situations like these in my life.
I do have another experience that effects me and that is a passing of my 21/2 month old daughter.I had twins at an early 18.I still have my other geourgous daughter. thank G od for that.I struggle with this at times but,I have come to a sacred place to be able to think and sometimes write to her with out falling apart.In April it will be 11 years.
This is all only an introduction into my life. the sexual abuse, the abusive relationships and i am a recovering alcoholic and recovered drug addict. I have many struggles but I have found my place in life for the most part and go through these struggles with a new family who cares and loves me.
I can only make my days better and if they are not,I have a site to come to and a wonderful man and a beautiful 11 year old daughter. I of course only share so much with her. Thank you again for listening to me. Henu

January 27, 2006
3:20 pm
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kathygy
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henu,

WOW! no wonder you feel the way you do. You have had to endure horrible injustices and betrayal by your own mother. This has caused many deep wounds in you. Can you feel the justified anger/outrage at your mother? It'a an important part of the healing process.

No suprise you have trouble with trust. Your mother also grossly invalidated and entirely dismissed your feelings over the incident with the girl being hit by a car. This must have been a trumatic incident for you where your mother's job was to hold you in her lap and nuture you and reassure you, esstentially be there for you. But she turned her back on you. This is extremely wounding to an innocent child.

Add sexual abuse to this and oh my god you certainly have been slammed in your life. You didn't deserve any of this. You deserved to have a safe and loving mother to come home to who was always there for you.

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your daughter.

Given all of this I am not suprised you turned to drugs and alcohol in attempt to take the pain away. Contralutions on your recovery from that.

Have you talked to a therapist about your sexual abuse? This has wide ranging ramifications on every part of who you are.

I urge you to get the book I recommended to help you begin to feel love and compassion for yourself and to take a step toward healing your childhood wounds.No one deserves to suffer as much as you have in your life.

love,
kathy

January 28, 2006
12:35 am
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henu
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Kathy once again thank you for your thaughts. I have been in and out of therepy for many many many years. I have seen many counselors and have ultimately given up on them until I got help for my drug and alcohol addiction.I have gone to AA and have been involved with a treatment facility that helped tremendously.
As for any anger for my mother I feel it often and wonder where I would be without her negatives throughout my life.But as I said I hold my tounge around my grandmother as she is 82 and doesn't need the stress and family arguments around her.She does realize how I feel and she has also oppted to hold her tounge around my mother.I personaly believe she herself is codependant upon others for there acceptance.
As for reading up on the book you mentioned I am excited to do so. THank you Kathy for the prompt response have a pleasant and fulfilling night. Henu

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