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Karin's New Thread
February 19, 2000
10:48 am
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KTHOMAS
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I am dreaming and dreaming about issues I have had with my husband in the past. Until last nights dream, I was always accusing but turned out I was wrong. Last nights dream I was right.

I try to push all my fears and doubts aside and just concentrate on what the outcome is after his trial. I must need to work these things through as I never feel rested after a nights sleep lately. My mind is trying to sort it out while I am sleeping and not in control. Make sense?

Now he wants me to come to his trial. It is at one of my busiest times at my job and by going...it would put not just me behind but others as well. I am wrestling with this dilemma and it makes my stomach hurt.

Sometimes the pressure is just too much. That's when I just turn off. Beats having the knot in my throat and it gets so hard to breath.

My unhealthy thinking says I must go because if he were to loose...then it will be my fault. My healthy thinking says I can only do what I can and not feel guilty. There is a war inside of me.........

February 19, 2000
11:28 pm
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kitten
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Well, Karin, maybe trial will be postponed again. Compromise and go for an hour...talk to the lawyer and find out his game plan. If you can show up only during lunch time, well, so be it. Just don't beat yourself up.
God, is, after all, making the decisions.

February 20, 2000
1:05 am
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lost soul
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Hi Karin
I have the same feelings with you. My job was going on pretty fine till I found out my husband's affair last year.It hit me and my work performance.There are always the saying that you must not bring your problem to work, and you must not bring your work problems home.But, in reality how many people can separate this both?( I think not even a high level person, so long as a human being)
Till today, I keep telling myself this."So long that I have done nothing wrong to harm others, the rest is not to my control" Life is such,not everybody will archieve what they want in life, even someone who have work their very best and still not getting what they want.Be it career, relationship and many others needs.
so long as you know what you can do at this moment ( to attend your husband trial or cannot attend due to tigh work schedule)just do what you can.don't tear yourself apart.
I am not to good with writing,so I hope you know what I mean.
My heart is with you at this moment.
Best regards from a sincere friend!:) šŸ™‚ šŸ™‚

February 20, 2000
10:48 am
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KTHOMAS
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Thank you Lost Soul and Kitten,

Your words are wonderful. I did visit Tim last night and we still had words over the situation...but then he called later and told me he was sorry and that he understands why I can't be there.

I will take a lunch and go over at least for an hour or so...this is a good idea.

Some days he puts so much pressure on me and then some days he is a gem. It's that darn cycle you know....

February 20, 2000
4:38 pm
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hazza
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Karin,
My Dad often says - "the graveyard is full of indispensible people"

The demands of your job are real, but you must make sure that you have enough time for you. and your employers must make sure of this, it is your choice if you go to the trial or not, but try not to let getting behind at work make your decision. If this is the case then you are working too hard, like most of us, i bet you give work a 110%!

Just saying to you not to burn yourself out!!!

Peace
Hazza

February 20, 2000
6:29 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Thanks Hazza and of course you are correct. That is why I took two days off last week to make this a five day week-end for me. Almost like a vacation. I was getting very burned out at work and yes I do give everything to my employers. But they are very good about making sure we get R&R when needed. There is a block of about a week and a half that require the entire office to meet certain deadlines for reporting purposes...and this is when Tim's trial fell...right smack in the center of it. Until I do my part my supervisors can not do thiers...thus creates the problem of to go or not to go...but it is resolved now and I will break away for a couple of hours and hopefully that will be enough for the Jury to notice that my husband does have a wife that is backing him. If not..I have done the best I could and that is that.

Take care.....Karin

February 21, 2000
5:48 am
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hazza
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Hi Karin,
Do you see what you are doing here????

"Hopefully that will be enough for the jury to notice that my husband does have a wife that is backing him..."

On the surface level i understand exaclty what you mean, but....

the outcome of the case is NOT in your control, what ever happens there is no way you can alter the outcome, the fact of someone having a supportive wife does not mean the fact whether they are guilty or not changes.

Yes it is important when cases are judged to take into account the background of the defendent, but this is just one of many issues.

It surely is judged on the facts, the likelihood of re offending? which is down to your husband not you.

If he wants to re-offend then. you could be home making his dinner eveyday and he would still do it, it is HIS choice.

I just worry that maybe he is putting this pressure on you, if so it means that in his mind he is already planning "someone/something to blame" if things dont work out, ie -" you must be there for the trial, its all your fault i got sentenced if you..."and so on.
In other words he is not realising that the outcome depends on him, he could easily blame you if things don't go right..

I hope you understand what i mean here, its quite a subtle form of manipulation and way of not being responsible on his part.

I COULD BE REALLY WRONG!!!!, YOU WILL KNOW NOT ME, SO SORRY IF I AM WAY OFF THE MARK!!!
Its just that i think of things like that in terms of my own experience and alarm bell started ringing!

On the work front, if it is just a busy period and the rest of the time your employers give you support then great, its just real lousy timing! Just make sure that it isn't like that all the time, like my old job was, that becomes exploitation when they only employ half the people they really need then expect the workers to work the equivelent of 2 or more persons jobs!

Peace to you, re read some of your own posts! see how strong you are!!! its only a little longer now!
(((((HUGS)))))
Hazza

February 21, 2000
8:54 am
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KTHOMAS
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Hazza,

Everything you say is true. I was going crazy when Tim was forcing me to be at his trial (by forcing I mean using manipulation). I wrote him quite a long letter about how I felt about it....

1. We were seperated at the time of his arrest.

2. He alone is responsible for the outcome here...not me.

Along with some other points including ones you have noted. When he called me to tell me he was sorry for all the pressure...I was releived that he saw what he was doing. I had already mailed the letter though....maybe he is meant to read it anyway.

It is so hard to let go of certain ways of thought isn't it. Even when Tim took the pressure off of me...I put it on myself. "The I must fix everything and make it right" syndrome is inbedded in me so deep. In so many ways.....yet I have gown some and I will keep remembering that I am not responsible for what happens no matter what.

Thanks Hassa and Peace to you.

Karin

February 21, 2000
9:26 am
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hazza
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Hi Karin,
I think the fact that you wrote him a letter about it, shows you how much more aware you are now of both manipulation from others and also your own tendancy towards "fixing".

You keep on practicing changeing these things so don't worry, you are aware of it now and even aware when you do it to yourself! keep strong, and well done for standing firm, it would have been so easy to start feeling sorry for him, but you were right to point out the facts like you did.
It doesn't mean you don't care, it just means that you are keeping yourself firmly in reality!!!

Peace
Hazza

February 21, 2000
9:56 am
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lost soul
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Karin, your every thought and decision is right and Mature. You are doing the right thing. I hope that you will get good understanding and surpport from your employer & supervisor.
Hazza, it is so nice and wonderful of you for giving Karins these advises and thought.
Look, we have lots of wonderful support friends here.For me, I feel its a blessing!!!
Even though I am not a christian, at this moment of time,I thank God for having you friends here to share.Amen!

February 21, 2000
11:23 am
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hazza
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Amen to you too lost soul, nice to here from you, what is happening in your life now?
Hazza

February 22, 2000
9:40 am
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lost soul
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Well, Hazza, not too good at this moment.Very stressful.I am even afraid to mention my problems here because just in case that somebody from my work place co-incidently also come to this site and they will know all about me.( may be I am getting a little paranoid )
Since young, I am very caution about what others say about me.The more I protected myself, the more I receive unwanted attendtion from others.I am only close to the people whom I perceived as"close friend" and usually I am betrayed by "these people".Today, I even subconsciously projected myself differently.At times, I believe I also denies my own feelings.But one thing have not change over so many years, that is, I still stick with my principle.Thats the reason of my career's obstacle.
Well, someday I will probably change in order to survive.But I believe at that point of time, I will be totally lost.
I think I sound too novel! I better stop now, or else I can't even stand myself.

February 23, 2000
4:45 am
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hazza
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Hey lost soul,
Be easy on yourself, it is natural to become very guarded with others when you have been hurt. But sometimes we can take this to extremes and stop people getting close on ANY level!

I too never used to tell people my problems. i though people thought i was weak enough already. Then, for me , one day it was all too much, i ended up telling my family a little bit about my problems, they had alwqays thought i was okay!! it was very hard for my to handle other poeple, even my family, knowing about my problems, but for me it did help.

Yes, i am vulnerable to them now, they can and on occasion have, turned it against me and used the knowledge to hurt me in a argument.
But, i learned that that is not the end of the world, at least this way, people feel a connection to me, they don;t feel like i am a total stranger. With me it is all about taking chances, i havetold my "secrets" and i now take the chance that it works out okay, i have never been good at taking chances.
But it has worked out okay, people understand me better because i have comunicated the "real me". before they had the impression that i was hard as nails!

I think on the whole, to feel connected to people it is worth the risk in telling people a little bit about yourself sometimes. The risk of doing it is better than the isolation of not. And the more you distance yourself from people the more isolated you become.

I don't think your should worry about people knowing who you are at this site, that is quite unlikely.

Peace
Hazza

February 23, 2000
10:16 am
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lost soul
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thank you hazza, thank you!!!

February 23, 2000
6:21 pm
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Lost soul, you have kept yourself to yourself for so many years. This will not advance you as a human being nor in your own healing. It is important to trust someone sometimes in order to develop trust in humanity.
Is there one person you can trust with your feelings?
Go to them as ap and confide with them all your feelings, fears and coping strategies.
Karin: I know you dont want to hear this, but you really need to LET GO.
He put himself in jail, you deserve to be happy, you really are your own worse enemy. God bless

February 24, 2000
12:18 am
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kitten
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Hi Karin,

Tell me what you are thinking???

Tried to send something last night, it was very profound, too! It would not go--guess the spirits in charge decided it was not meant to be.

When you walk forward...it's important to see what you are headed towards...faith, my dear. Every path has it's bumpy spots!

Lost Soul,

Just believe in your inner and outer beauty...that light will cast it's shine for miles!

February 24, 2000
7:46 am
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lost soul
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Thanks friends! I did try to be open, but the feed back I get in return are people finding me aggressive.So, they make me more confused.To be open or to have some reserve? I really don't know.But I can tell you, people sees me as a bubbly & optimistic person.There was occasion that I was badly hurt by the people I worked with, I don't cry infront of them but instead I went to the washroom,locked myself to cry.Or went back home to have a good heartily cry.
Frankly, there was a few times I was so stress that my shoulder's was so "stiff" & painful.I went for massage.I have tried all posible ways of de-stressing.Excersice, Aromatherapy,holiday with family ( short & affordable holiday )usually i was the one who pays for it.
Anyway, I find myself being a very stressful person.

February 25, 2000
10:41 am
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HI L.soul,
Im a stressful person too, i have a few things i do that help sometimes.

When things are really bad, i think to myself.
"will this actually matter in 10 yrs time?"

often the answer is no.

I also remind myself that i am much more effiecient if i keep calm and organised.

If i feel like crying, i do. Tears release unwanted chemicals from the body, it helps.

Have a nice cup of tea, but decaffeinated!!!! after all i am british!

Take time to relax/meditate every hour if you need to, just 5 mins can really help.

and most of all, RELABEL.
This is a thing that i do with my phobia councelling and Infaith mentioned it or something similar too, you think about or write down all your negative thoughts, and relabel them. For example.

"i have not done enough work today"

relabel that as, "this is just my insecutiry talking, i feel like im not up to the job, that is why i FEEL i have not worked hard enough. i know logically i give 100 per cent, if my boss thought i had not done enough work they would say so, etc..."

It is a way of applying logic to your thoughts so that you see how much of your stress is really caused by your own negative emotions rather than reality.

I am getting quite good now at recognising my negative mind when it speaks and telling it to go away becuase i wish to listen to logic instead, but with all things it takes practice and i still have a long way to go.

Try to accept that you are the type pf person who feels stress, and don't allow yourself to feel that that is a bad thing, sometimews it is very helpful. Once you accept it you can start to allow yourself to relax.

Best wishes and keep up with the massages, you deserve them!! you work hard and it is right that you have some relaxing time just for you, put that high on your list of priorities.

Peace
Hazza

February 25, 2000
11:26 am
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lorene
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Hang in there. I am having a very stressful week also. I have a sister that has disowned her family. She always confided in me with her accusation about our family. I always kept this to myself and did not share with anyother family, but now that she will not talk to me i am having a hard time coping. any ideas or comments

February 27, 2000
5:19 am
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lost soul
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Hi Hazza, thanks for your wonderful words. It really make alots of senses to me.I constantly tell myself to take things easy. I am also writing it down to express my feelings.

March 4, 2000
8:17 am
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Karin...how is your son? disrespect and out of control are symptoms I see in my school everyday.

Is the school counselor any good? Teachers actualy like it when parents try to be part of the "team" to help the "whole child" Goood teachers/schools anyway.

March 4, 2000
10:34 am
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KTHOMAS
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Thanks Janes...he has his good weeks and his bad weeks. This week he was caught drawing pictures of a naked lady. He is only NINE YEARS OLD. I was so shocked.

He is going through so much. The teacher and I tried the school counselor...seems he has to be really unmangable before they will seriously counsel him. The counselor has sat in on his class a couple of times to observe him...but that is all. I call his teacher twice a week to check on him.

He starts soccer sometime this month. We go to church on Sunday's, and he is in a boys club there on Wed. nights. Having a father in jail must really do a number on his head though...I am doing the best I can and have decided to move into town so that he can have friends to play with as we live way out in the boonies. He will have to switch schools (we are moving during the summer) but he says that is what he wants...paved roads and lots of kids. He is too isolated out here.

Thanks for your thoughts. It's hard being a single parent these days. I have already raised two children (ages now are 25 and 23) and for some reason I sure think it was easier back then. šŸ™‚

March 4, 2000
7:52 pm
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Hi again....school counselors can be so overloaded...the one at my school is just useless tho'

hmmm naked ladies at nine..well you could look at it as one more cry for help or a natural part of growing up. They are much more exposed to that stuff on the tv these days.

If it isn't long distance and the teacher doesn't mind why don't you call 3 -5 days a week? And/or..some of our parents and teachers have a daily notebook that goes back and forth everyday with both positive and negetive stuff in it...just a report on the day both good and bad.
Think up a reward for a certain number of good days in a row.
Any decent private couselors available for chldren? How about your pastor?

I don't know if it was easier in the pst or if we just didn't know as much and muccled through anyway.

Hang in there!!!!

March 7, 2000
4:52 am
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lost soul
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Hi Karin, sorry to hear what you are going through. I hope things will get better for your son. children today are more vulnerable compared to our time. ( don't know if i am right? just my feel )
I haven't been well lately too.my body is retaliating.
Take care!

April 7, 2000
2:46 pm
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eve
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Karin,

are you still out there? How are things?

And kitten?

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